I'll Beat The Good Humor Out Of You

From the Times:

Summer is more than a month away, but the ice cream wars have already begun. In neighborhoods across the city, skirmishes are breaking out over which franchise can sell its wares on which route. And the tension between the city’s purveyors of ice-cold treats can at times be thicker than a Chipwich.

There have been harsh words, hurt feelings and even bloodshed between competitors. In 2004, a couple in their 60s who owned and operated two ice cream trucks were ambushed in the Bronx and beaten with an oversized wrench. The motive, the police said, was the couple’s ice cream route. A rival ice cream salesman was charged with assault and sentenced to 10 years in prison.

Bloodshed? Oversized-wrench beatdowns?? Jail time???

Seriously?

No more Mr. Softee, I guess. Now it's ... oh I can't bring myself to it, but I'm open to suggestions on hard-rock gangsta names for the ice cream crips-and-bloods set. Also: photoshop anyone?

Ice Cream Truck War Revs Up [NYT]

About TAN: 5/14

Hi there,

I'm putting this updated About TAN up since I'm getting e's and facebook messages asking me why I'm being so slow/lazy/negligent. Also people asking whether I'm male or female, black or white etc., which I think would be patently clear, but you never know who lurks behind the computer so I'll take the chance to put up a refresher pic-- that's me picking my nose on the right. I also revolutionized the blog photo shoot a couple years ago. So there's that.

Basically things have been slow as I'm trying to get the proposal done for The Greatest Book On Race Ever, and it's literally taking me longer than the Civil Rights movement (someone needs to firehose me and send in the attack dogs!). It's just with a title like that there's obviously much hand-wringing and consternation, plus I'm having trouble finding someone to write it for me on craigslist. Also, I'm slow and dim-witted, soooo there you go.

So friends I've been ignoring: my apologies (but that's what friends are for, right?). Editors who I owe or have promised letters and words for: umm, they're coming? Thank you for bearing with me. (incidentally, editors who would be interested in TGBORE (emphasis on BORE) can contact me via the email on the sidebar, I will put you on The List and highlight your name in melanin. I'll also get rid of all the double parentheticals in edit. Promise.) Random readers who are neither friends nor editors: look, I have friends and know editors! Yay!

Hmmm, what else? I have abandonment issues, so please don't leave me. I'll be back soon. Like maybe even tomorrow. And I have a slave ship full of links and content waiting to be released from their chains; just have to whip them into shape a little more.

(another aside: in thinking about my abandonment issues it occurs that negroes in general might have abandonment issues, like we got picked up and thought we were going to play bumper boats with the white people or something and then, not so much (cf. slavery), so now we're sort of socially adept but distant, not capable of the full love/embrace. We're still all clingy with american mainstream culture, and feel nervous when it looks like caucasians are bailing on us (looking at you West Virginia). Anyhuh, still whipping this particular negro-thought into shape, but was wondering why I don't see more reference to the disorders blacks collectively might suffer from as a result of the period of abuse in this country.)

Not sure how to segue here ... Look! Barbara Walters slept with a black guy! bwahahahahahahahahaha. Ahhhh, it's funny cause it's true.

Ok. Be back soon. Really! I never lie when I'm wearing my seersucker shorts by a pool in Vieques (don't hate the player, hate the blog. and the prep school).

xo

Onward, Upward, Etc. Etc.

I should be getting in the blogger roundtable mix on NPR News & Notes sometime soon. This will be take 2 for TAN getting in the NPR cipher, last time was a learning experience (I still owe you a call Michel; I'm an awesomely confused negro idiot is the long and short of my message though) ... so anypr, should be fun, and I'll update w/ specific dates and times as apropos, but icon below is linked so you can always use that and search around.

Why We Wear Baggy Jeans

Nick over at Gawk does a good job debunking this viral video, which I think as of his and this posting is not publicly acknowledged as a stealth viral video campaign for Levi jeans, but should be soon. If it is an ad there's a definite missed opportunity to corner the negro market cause obviously this is why we wear baggy/saggy pants. And, obviously, we choose a brand based on how easily it is to jump into them. So instead of the token faux-hawked negro (which as I've pointed out before are the reason why some caucs think they'd rather go negro than lose tivo) and some hipster-gymnasts doing nonsensical acrobatics w/ pogo sticks and what not, which no one in real life can relate to, you could have some real hood negroes who, y'know, are jumping out of bed trying to avoid baby mama drama, or out of a car trying to avoid 50 shots from the po-po, or whatever else we do on a typical Saturday night. And then you'd have us lining up for your jeans faster than if Lebron James wore them in his last playoff game and changed his name to "Tommy Hilfiger in the mid-90s" and they came with a free amateur-rapper myspace account. And a lifetime supply of Tims. And rims. Shout out to Mims! Damn, it makes me wanna freestyle (or at least beatbox) just thinking about it. Holla at ya boy, Levi's. Let's make it happen.

More Beatbox Assimilation: Where Da Ladies At?

So I got put on to some of the pioneers of the caucasian beatbox renaissance, and turns out when you get sent one beatboxer there's thusands more behind the walls of youtube. So here's another young, white, aspiring Doug E Fresh:



So that's cool. I know what you're thinking though, young white boys doing hip hop stuff is whatever whatever at this point. But did you know the ladies were getting down also? Honestly, show me an assimilated negro whose melanin doesn't flare from excitement at the thought of white-girls-gon'-wild-beatboxin' and i'll show you ... i don't know, but it won't be me because as soon as SaRa turns of age we're getting married and doing our vows beatbox styley. Maybe I'll even make the ring pop out of the back of my throat:



word. and as we see here, they're working at it diligently ...and look ma, it's not just hip hop tunes anymore:



as soon as she turns her head right side up, she'll be ready for primetime.

But just when you think it's a black and white thing, the Asians are like yooooo, we got this too, son!



Btw, what does this girl know about "Push It"? You know your hip hop song is classic when young asian girls are beatboxing it...

of course amidst all this oral drum machine assimilation, we shouldn't forget that black people are still the pros, only we can give the smooth polished performance, with a white blazer, in a concert hall full of seated caucasians:



word. make that music with your mouth, kids.

next up .... Obama? You know he wants to.

Dear TAN: White Girlfriends And The Seeds of Discontent

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: White Girlfriend Ressentiment! (ressentiment is a word, perhaps, we could use more often?)

Dear TAN,

I hope your February isn't too cold! (You know how we don't like the cold.) [ed. note: yes this is old, d'oh!] I thought I'd drop you a line, soliciting some insight from a fellow partially assimilated negro.

I'm beginning to see feelings of resentment growing in my soul against my white girlfriend.

But I think it's more disdain for the white privilege from which she comes and its manifestations in her life.

Bemusedly,

DPW

~~

Dear Redacted,

Ahh, that old canard of caucasian coquettes and their craved kunta-kintes ... I know it well, my friend. Unfortunately, for your questions, easy answers there are none. A road map to Racial, Peaceofmind there is not, young jedi-negro. All I can tell you is where the hot hipster chicks hang out so you can get a new one.

But firstly we should confirm what we do know: White Privilege has everything to do with feelings about your White Girlfriend. Thats why we're using capital letters. If you're still wondering about that I'd say you should just reference her as "White Girlfriend" for a week or so, just for conditioning purposes. I mean what's the point of having one if you're not going to remember what she is, knahmean?

Moving on ... in the setup for your letter, I use the word "ressentiment," and that's not just my hip hop spelling of resentment. As the wise wiki above tells us they're two related but distinct terms, and I think very relevant to us assimilateds trying to manage the white angst (wangst?) dilemma.

Since I prefer to spit my Nietzsche to fine mamacitas in the wee hours over wine I won't really get into it now *cough* but Friedrich has a lot of real talk for black folk. And the long and short is ressentiment is about creating an object and subsequent morality out of being poorly treated. In the wiki they use a quote about birds of prey and lambs saying birds of prey may pick on the lambs, but it doesn't mean they dislike or hate the lambs, in fact quite the opposite, they think they're delicious. Meanwhile the lambs are sort of like F these birds, birds suck, we should get organized and start a F Birds revolution. This psychology is seen often with the black/white stuff because smart black people are always wringing their hands over whether we should be hating on The Man and engaging in the resistance, or seeing a brighter side etc. It translates well with the White Girlfriend issue because the White Girlfriend is more ostensibly not an enemy. Their weapons are fair-skin, blowjobs and cashmere vaginas (actually I think all girls have the latter two) so what's to revolt against ....?

Anywhite, I don't know if this helps you at all, but if you babble about this to your White Girlfriend she probably won't know what you're talking about, and you'll feel superior, and then maybe oral sex will ensue, and voila: no more resentment. The ressentiment might remain though.

Good luck!

-TAN

Grand Theft Auto V: Children With Attitude

Here's some nice fodder for those arguing that Grand Theft Auto is going to destroy the planet. Of course with a 7-year-old black kid stealing and driving an SUV (his gradma's) you'd prob be inclined to blame the hippity-hoppity too, but I don't think that works here. Stealing cars, err carjacking, has been played out in hip hop (and jazz!) for a while now.

Incidentally will GTA IV be available on the Wii system? That'll be fun.

Love the American Jokes

thanks: LT

TAN Guide to Astoria

TAN pops up at the new digital community for neighbors, or new neighborly digital community: neighborbee blog. A lot of good about-town peeps, blogging vets working with nice localized beats. I share some of my newly discovered Astoria knowledge (more on this to come!) and generally make a nuisance of myself, but cool blog for NY heads. Or those coming to visit.

4 Jewels in the Lost Town of Astoria [neighborbee blog]

The Caucasian Beatbox Renaissance

I remember when caucasians only beatbox'd to make jokes because obviously they couldn't beatbox, just like they couldn't rap, dance, or sexually please a woman. Well all those other things may be true, but it looks like they're trying to Tiger Woods the beatbox game. At least this guy is. The Martha Stewart/Julia Childs presentation definitely takes it beyond Doug E. Fresh and Biz Markie.



Related (that's fun, but I don't know if it trumps flute-boxers):
Beatbox + Flute = Hot Fire [TAN]

(thanks: LT)

The Barack Album, In Stores (If Not Office) Soon

Seriously, if you're a presidential candidate, and you go ahead and get ...that ... dirt off your shoulders in a public appearance, as Obama does in the most awesome clip below (2:25), the race should be a [w]rap. 99 Problems but a .... well, you know.



via: Stereohyped

Related:
Obama Just Threw On His Du-rag! [Jewcy]

Jeremiah Wright Has Black People On Lockdown

This video of Common freestyling in church came out early this year, and I kept forgetting to post, but in light of the Obama/J. Wright newscycle it has gained renewed relevance. Also, I hear the big G-eezy upstairs loves the hot buttery freestyles.

In any event, J Wrizzy can't be all bad if he's got Obama and Common in his cipher vouching for him. That's about as non-threatening negro as you can get.

Dr. Phil Doing His Part To Fight Black-on-Black Crime

Here's an amusing clip of Dr. Phil fighting the war for strong black negro-on-negro love...



"Lexi" appears to be setting herself up for drama. "Will only date guys who look like models?" Come again? Her body seems ok, but I don't think she's talked to her hair about that decision. They don't appear to share the same goals in life.

(Also ... Dr Phil's a little overearnest at the end with the matching hands and "ironically" pointing out how they have nothing -- NOTHING! -- in common.)

But honestly, the guy looks fairly well assimilated so Lexi shouldn't have a huge problem. If really attempting to diagnose and provide a solution, Dr. TAN would just recommend dude lose the cornrows. While more prevalent in the mainstream, cornrows are still a little too hardcore for many white people and would-be-white black people. It might be a shade short of showing up with gold fronts on your teef. Or a du-rag and some sort of prison-chic attire. Or bringing a burned Funkmaster Flex mixtape to the party instead of a bottle of wine.

Aww. Poor cornrows.

Related:
Mediocre Black Chick Reconditioning Program

Dear TAN: The Assimilated Downsy

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: The Assimilated Downsy (™) endorses Obama!

After posting the pitch-perfect "Color Me Blind" video, I e-befriended the writer/director Will Drinker. A short while later he sent me a longish video with footage of his brother, who has Down syndrome, going on a date. He asked about posting/promoting the vid, so i pulled a Michael Bay and suggested some things to spice up his brother's stuff.

the following is his most recent email to me:


Come on Tanny Boy,
You said you'd post something that was shorter, like a trailer. I think Dan's Obama Endorsement is better than a trailer, and it's short, political, moving, and will be enough to attract curious minds to his site. Dan Drinker is the Assimilated Downsy.

- Will

~~

Dear Will,

I didn't respond in email, but as you can see, I am posting. For whatever that's worth. I think the vid is solid, but i am even more impressed and inspired by your pounding the inter-pavement on behalf of your brother. Incorporating your own interests of writing/filming etc with the love of your bro feels like what blogs, youtube and new media exposure/sharing is all about. Go you.

Also ... umm maybe see if you can get Lindsay Lohan to sing him happy birthday, naked, a la Marilyn Monroe.

And maybe give Dan a gun? if someone other than Obama wins people should know he means business. Maybe some Iraqi war footage could work there also.

Just spitballin' here. It's coming along great. You're gonna put the "Dan" in SunDance!

Good luck ....

(oh, and "tanny boy?" ummmm, let's talk about that in private before we install that as a term of endearment. thanks!)

- TAN


here's Will's endorsement statement and video:

My brother has Down syndrome. He's heavily caught up in the current political race. We are both Philadelphia natives. I'd like to share with you his very brief but very moving endorsement of Barack Obama. I believe this is newsworthy because my brother, Dan is symbolic. His judgement of character is just as valuable as the most famous or respected individuals currently receiving press for endorsing a candidate. Please allow his honest voice to be heard. Find out more about my older brother's impact on the world around him and the documentary we're making together at http://dandrinker.com.

Thank you for your time,
Will Drinker

Can You Paint Better Than A 4th Grade Elephant?

There's plenty here to make one skeptical, but also plenty to make you wonder if this is in fact an Elephant Picasso. Regardless, it's highly amusing to think of this elephant stroking its ears, or the tuft of hair on its head while agonizing over the texture/tone/impact of this self-portrait.

Differences: Black Girl, White Girl

From the animated minds of the "Read A Book" PSA/video, Tyree Dillihay & Six Point Harness Studios, (fyi: I interviewed them and Bomani for King mag) comes the newest animated breath of fresh air for the ongoing dialogue on race. A series of shorts titled, "DIFFERENCES." Like most things that are awesome it is best explained by simply watching it:

The Wheel of Misfortune Does Not Discriminate

I was ready to scream "Nah Negro" and tell these girls that's what they get for skipping class to chew bubblegum at the video arcade:



But then I saw caucasians share in the retardation:



(she's even worse cause she's stupidly tempting the bankruptcy gods as well. although i guess that stupidity comes from her original stupidity of not knowing the answer so there's really just one stupidity to rule them all.)

anywheel, yay equal-opportunity ignorance!

via: Gawk

Try To Focus On The Letter From Bill Clinton To Jeremiah Wright, If You Can

I posted about the picture circulating with Bill Clinton and Jeremiah Wright and how that should effectively end the Obama/Wright drama (not that Obama didn't end it himself with his SPEECH), but now Alexis Stodghill at AOL Black Voices has unearthed a letter from Bill to Reverend Wright. I mean, again, at this point it shouldn't be a huge deal, but simply knowing that there can be all sorts of hubbub about Barack and Wright, without any reference to Clinton and Wright OBVIOUSLY having a relationship as well is kind of annoying with regards to fair balanced reporting etc. etc.


Of course no version of politics-by-association is as effective as sexy Halle wearing your t-shirt. Makes me want to put the "C" and "G" in "Change" if you know what i'm sayin'... and i suspect you do.



The Clintons: A Friend of Ref. Wright? [AOL BlackVoices]
Obama-Chic [AOL BlackVoices]