Thursday, October 13, 2005

100 Things About The Assimilated Negro

I've seen some people do this, and found them interesting and informative, so this should suck pretty hard.

100 Things. TAN-Man. Go ...!!
1. I’m a Negro.

2. I will never turn 30.

3. I have received private schooling from Choate Rosemary Hall, Pomfret School, and Trinity College (CT.)

4. I have received public schooling from PS. 100, CS. 152, IS. 131 and, of course, the one we have all attended PS. Life.

5. I haven’t been in contact with my mother since I was about eleven years old. I haven't seen her in a non-hostile environment since I was 5ish.

6. Each of the last four times I saw my mother, it ended in her trying to kidnap me.

7. I believe I was the first negro freshman class president at Choate Rosemary Hall, but I haven’t confirmed that notion with research.

8. I was definitely the graduation speaker for Pomfret School’s centennial year.

9. I co-hosted an underground hip hop radio show called, “Hip Hop Nation” for four years at Trinity College.

10. My father has been awarded a gold record.

11. I’ve been backstage at a concert in Madison Square Garden.

12. I was in Model UN, and represented the country Somalia.

13. If ESPN covered the spelling bee back in the day like they do now, I would have been on television.

14. I have taken dance classes, for both modern jazz and tap.

15. I’ve had a bullet miss my head by inches.

16. I’ve held a vial of crack in my hand.

17. I’ve held a gun in my hand.

18. I was suspended from Choate for beating up a faculty child (or as we called them, fac-brats).

19. I lived life as an only child until August 18th 2005. Since then I have enjoyed having a half-sister 6 years my junior.

20. I’m a big sports fan.

21. In 2003 I finished #2 overall in fantasy football on ESPN. I won a 21” Sharp Aquos LCD Flat Screen TV.

22. This year I signed with my first literary agent, one with over 35 years experience in the game.

23. My favorite/hometown teams are the Mets, the Giants, the Knicks, the Rangers, Notre Dame, and St. John’s (college basketball). Notre Dame is the only out-of-towner, I attached to them during the Lou Holtz era because I liked their style of football.

24. I’ve been to Fenway Park (thanks Mo!), Shea Stadium, and Yankee Stadium. That’s it for baseball parks.

25. I like Rob Neyer's approach. I once pitched him an idea for a baseball movie, asking if he could help, and he responded with some interest. But I dropped the ball (in all ways) and never really followed up.

26. My blood type is A-

27. I know that because I gave blood during the Hurricane Katrina aftermath. I didn’t come up with the idea of giving blood on my own however.

28. I believe Friedrich Nietzsche figured life out and went crazy. I see the Will To Power everywhere.

29. I cried after reading The Brothers Karamazov for the first time. I also cried after the second time … but not as much.

30. The only pets I ever had were two guinea pigs named “Patches” and “Cuddles.” I cried a lot harder than any Dostoevsky reading when first Patches, then Cuddles died.

31. I don't cry much anymore. Now I'm all cried out over you.

32. I think I can argue for or against anything under the sun. Rape, murder, abortion, hurricanes, global warming, bring it on. *UPDATE* Except George Bush.

33. I can be longwinded, but it’s usually for the sake of meticulous existential accuracy.

34. In trying to explain my point of view one time to my friends/music partners, I maxed out the allowable text for a hotmail message. Have you ever not been allowed to type anymore in an e-mail?

35. I’m not a big grammar person.

36. I was a National Merit Scholar finalist, but I think it was the negro division. I don't feel as good if an award is eligible to only negroes, but I'll still take it.

37. If it were my choice I’d send my son or daughter to prep/boarding school.

38. I ran away from home once as a child. I went to the police station to ask for their help in relocating, and they took me back home.

39. I have been put in jail for no reason.

4o. I have received a financial settlement due to being wrongfully imprisoned.

41. I’m left-handed.

42. I’ve probably received the most compliments on my voice, then my eyes/eye-lashes.

43. I have received a YMCA Volunteer of the Year Award, I received it at the Waldorf Astoria.

44. I worked a summer job at Bear Stearns when I was 14. I worked at CitiBank when I was 15. During some time off from college I worked as an executive recruiter in financial services. Since 9/11 I have not done anything related to financial services, except maybe read a Wall Street Journal.

45. I don’t read as much as I used to, but I devoured whole libraries as a child. I’ve had to change library cards a lot because I’ve often just kept books*. *this statement is for entertainment purposes only and can not be used in a court of law*

46. Because of my hatred for aging, I am constantly trying to figure out a way to undermine our current notion of time. I think it’s anti-natural. We had to have made a mistake. It’s not a sustainable model. We need a construct for time that makes it subjective, because we all age in our own way.

47. When it’s warm, if I could wear flip-flops at all times, I’d be happy.

48. Ralph Lauren is my favorite designer.

49. I aspire to write a movie like The Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

50. I’m a big fan of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm. I have written a Curb spec that brings back the Crazy-Eyes-Killer character.

51. My dream is to have a #1 CD, #1 book, #1 movie (written) all in one year. And all three items stood on their own, but also tied-in synergistically with the other two projects. Like Lord of The Rings but through different mediums.

52. I can say the word “love” if I need to, but I’m fairly squeamish about using it in any serious context. This is with anyone, including family and close friends.

53. There’s nothing I’d rather do than have a passionate engaging conversation with someone about something interesting. Preferably at night, and yes, keep the drinks coming.

54. Make mine Ketel One and Cranberry.

55. I still have not “acquired the taste” of beer. And especially not the deep, rich, “good” beers. Sam Adams might as well bottle mud milkshakes as far as I’m concerned.

56. I believe "God" has been dead for a while, but faith will never die.

57. I expect anyone under 30, if asked about their religion, to say they are either jewish or “spiritual but not religious.” I haven't been wrong in a while.

58. I believe the ipod is inferior to its competition, and is primarily a triumph of marketing.

59. I started as a Psychology major, but ended up in Philosophy because I didn’t want the extra science classes.

60. I was introduced to the prep/boarding school organization when I became a member of Prep For Prep 9

61. I wore minor league and negro league fitted baseball hats religiously during my high school years.

62. I once injured my knee in a football game, and had an immobilizer placed around my leg That same night, on crutches, I played the male lead in “A Raisin In The Sun.”

63. I am inspired by Malcolm Gladwell and Seth Godin.

64. I like roller coasters and scary movies, but I’m not big into heights.

65. If you wanted to argue in favor of the existence of a God, I believe you start with Stevie Wonder.

66. The ibook I’m writing on now is the first computer that wasn’t a hand-me-down from my father. And I love it. I could probably make love to it if that was really necessary. I'm not squeamish about expressing my love with my ibook.

67. I’m more comfortable speaking/performing in front of strangers than friends.

68. I coordinated bringing hip hop to The Poetry Project for the first time. Though I only knew about it fairly late in the process.

69. I’ve been called smart many more times than I’ve been called stupid. But I’ve been called both plenty. I’ve been called arrogant more times than both of those combined.

70. By #70 I feel you should be full aware that I have reason to be arrogant.

71. Ultimately I can’t be arrogant because I believe strongly in the idea that “the knowing pose questions, while the unknowing answer."

72. Usually if I say something like “the knowing pose questions, while the unknowing answer" people think I’m arrogant. Or stupid.

73. It may be arrogant, but I’m very proud of the fact I have a document that contains my own personally concocted aphorisms. i.e. “the knowing pose questions, while the unknowing answer”

74. I’m allergic to a number of things. Among them walnuts, most seafood, and pollen.

75. I had an asthma inhaler (proventil) until I went to college, but I’ve only suffered one asthma attack in my life.

76. I believe Prince Paul’s “A Prince Among Thieves” is the most underrated hip hop album of all time.

77. I think I’ve settled on Nas, Jay-Z, and Eminem (in no particular order) as my favorite emcees.

78. I was once certified as a lifeguard.

79. I’m a native NYer, and aside from my schooling in Connecticut, I’ve never lived anywhere else for a significant stretch of time.

80. I don’t have a driver’s license.

81. I lived in the South Bronx when I was a child, Lower East Side Manhattan during the teen years, and East Harlem since college.

82. There was a time, when I was a child, that hip hop pioneers like Afrika Bambaataa, Kurtis Blow, and Doug E. Fresh were in my house frequently, and it wasn't a big deal.

83. I’ve only been using a cell phone for the past couple years now.

84. I have a lot I want to do before I think about thinking about marriage and/or children.

85. I was a counselor for the Boy Scouts one summer. During that summer the black troops were always the furthest from the camp’s activity center. There were also a couple children who ran away, and a couple others that were dismissed for being caught fellating each other. I don’t invest much in the Boy Scouts brand identity.

86. I still have and use t-shirts that I used to wear in high-school.

87. In the summer I now go to Randall’s/Ward’s Island more than Central Park.

88. My father’s former girlfriend, who was essentially my substitute “mother figure” from the ages of about 7-11, now lives less than ten blocks away from me.

89. My father’s current girlfriend and the former girlfriend share the same first name (though they spell it differently).

90. I was very good at sports video games until I stopped playing them a couple years ago.

91. I own a Total Gym 1500 (that's not me in the picture).

92. The only things I don’t feel squeamish about killing are mosquitoes.

93. Winter used to be a burden, until I got a North Face. Now even when it’s a blizzard, I still might only wear a loin cloth ... and my North Face.

94. I smoked cigarettes during college, but have since quit. I did it cold turkey.

95. Sometimes I’m a slacker.



100. I love finishing a project and moving on to something new.



  1. 13. I won $1,000 in a spelling bee.

    17. I've fired plenty of guns, but not since adulthood.

    34. Okay, now I see how you manage to post so often...

    36. Me, too. Whitey division.

    42. Close-up photo of said eyes, please?

    50. Sometimes my TiVo records an old "Seinfeld" episode for me, just because—and invariably I get sucked right back in. "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is a more visceral pleasure, though.

    55. Try Leinenkugel's Red. Or the Polish beer called Okocim. I can't drink crap like Miller Lite anymore. And I used to be a total beer wimp.

    56. How can he be dead if he never existed in the first place?

    57. I'm not spiritual in the slightest. But then, I'm over 30. (Sigh.)

    70. Me, too! But I try not to let it show too much.

    1. Orange! You got my vote!

  2. Wow...I think I need to sweep my floor, and I can tell because my jaw is resting there at the moment and it's a little gritty against the soft skin of my chin...

  3. 2. What's your secret? I am scheduled to turn 30 next year and I would like to postpone that...

    3.+ 4. + 37. I grew up in Naples FL and somehow managed to be one of few who DIDN'T go to private school. I teach in public school now. I think if I have kids, I would send them to private school - that's horrible of me, right?

    17. I have too and my dog FREAKED out - he hates guns!

    21. In the past three consecutive years I have placed 2nd and 3rd in the Brandon XFL - my (almost)ex-husband's fantasy league and I did all my own picks and trades.

    32. Topic: Rape in a hurricane. Position: For. Go!

    34. I thought I was the only one!

    50. I used to hate Curb Your Enthusiasm - it was just tooooo painful. Now I enjoy it - and I LOVED the Crazy-Eyes Killa.

    86. Me too - one of mine is one that a friend made me that says "Psychics, Fuck Off" - lyrics from an REM song. I once got kicked out of Taco Bell for wearing it.

    Loved it, TAN-man!

  4. I was convinced well before #70. Had something to say but am now extremely disturbed from the mental image left from #85.
    And I thought Girl Guides was dirty.

  5. hey, what years did Hip Hop Nation run?

  6. Who's your daddy? And I don't mean that in a sexual-spanky-spanky way, but really...who is your father?

    Oh yeah, and your Nice.

  7. Wow! You didn't even type "98." Impressive.

  8. I think I'm in love.

  9. Nice list. Preppie ;)

    Bambatta were in your house. that is Uber Cool. This from a Kraftwerk fanatic who is still a bit bitter over the sampling thing ha ha!

  10. 32. Topic: Rape in a hurricane. Position: For. Go!

    Can I debate this one to Assimilated?

  11. thanks. when I shared this info in prison I didn't receive anywhere near this amount of love.

    Well except from "he who shall not be named" ...

    I'm tempted to say for every comment I get I'll add another thing to the list. But then the comments would stop. *sigh*

    but a couple more?

    101. if not for hbo and sports I would watch very little tv.

    102. I've been trying to write a spec piece for the Modern Love column in the New York Times but I keep getting distracted by blogging.

    103. I had plenty of juicy items left for 95-99, but I really fell in love with the slacker joke (thanks for noticing Malia)...

    104. Have I mentioned the negro thing? ...

  12. wow~
    that's some list...VERY interesting :)

  13. re: 104: What? I thought you were white. What happened, man?

  14. Anonymous10/15/2005

    God's not dead.

  15. Anonymous10/15/2005

    I'm anonymous, but not the same anonymous as the one above me.

    I love this post.

    And this blog.

    Maybe I love you too.

  16. annush - you have an interesting list yourself ...

    orange - sorry.

    Anons - I can understand god is dead as anonymous, but how can you send love as Anon.

    anyways I'd say I love you too, but #52 is still a problem for me.

  17. I love number 65!

    Great list altogether.

  18. One word... MAN

    Keep up the good work brah.

  19. Anonymous11/12/2005

    I had a guinea pig named Patches.
    My dad gave him children's tylenol when he got a cold (really). Patches "went to the vet," and never came home.

  20. what a unique list. CHOATE!!!


  21. 1. I'm a white boy.

    2. I've already turned 40.

    3. No private schooling.

    4. I have received public schooling from various public schools in Oklahoma. Currently attending P.S.Life. Trying not to be expelled.

    5. I was in contact with my mother this week.

    6. My mother has never attempted to kidnap me, which suggests a certain lack of initiative on her part.

    7. I believe I was the first ventriloquist student council president at my junior high school. Ventriloquist dummies were banned shortly after my election as an unfair form of electioneering.

    12. I have met the Gajapati Maharaja of Puri.

    13. I was beaten by a fifth grader in my elementary school spelling bee. I was a sixth grader at the time. The janitor attempted to perk me up by joking "Of course you missed 'course.'" I'm still bitter about it. How could I have been so stupid to miss "course" for crying out loud?

    14. I can't dance.

    16. No vials. Baggies, yes. Vials, no.

    17. I’ve held a super soaker in my hand. It was necessary to fend off a territorial cat who was guarding my car every morning.

    22. I received a very nice rejection letter from a literary agent. They had obviously taken great care in writing it, which made me feel good.

    27. I didn't give blood after Katrina, although I did give a lot of money to a Katrina victim who had moved into my complex and kept knocking on my door.

    28. Ditto on the Nietzsche thing.

    33. I can be longwinded, and it frequently rhymes.

    36. I was a National Merit Scholar scholar. White boy division.

    39. I have never been put in jail, although there have been valid reasons to do so on occasion.

    41. I’m left-handed.

    44. I worked a summer job at a country radio station in high school and college, even though I know nothing about country music and only like a little bit of it.

    47. I don't wear flip-flops because I'm self conscious about my feet.

    53. There’s nothing I’d rather do than have a passionate engaging conversation with someone about something interesting. Preferably at night, and yes, I'll keep the drinks coming. I can't hold my liquor myself, so I'll just have soda pop.

    55. I “acquired the taste” of root beer.

    64. I like roller coasters and heights, but I’m not big into scary movies.

    69. I’ve been called smart many more times than I’ve been called stupid. I’ve been called arrogant once by my sister, but she later took it back.

    73. My current favorite personally concocted aphorism is: "The secret to happiness is lowered expectations."

    79. I’m a native Texan raised in Oklahoma. I’ve never lived anywhere else for a significant stretch of time. Haven't yet made it to New York.

    80. I probably shouldn't have a driver’s license.

    82. There was a time, in my recent adulthood, that the FBI and one foreign government had me under surveillance, and it wasn't a big deal.

    100. I love starting a project and then abandoning it in the middle to move on to something new.

  22. Regarding the update in #32 (The inability to debate for George Bush): You get a free pass on this one, as debate presumes a certain level of coherence not to be found within this particular administration.

    Debating for the admistration would be akin to climbing a glass-encased Mount Everest coated in baby oil.

    Debating against it would be akin to shooting into a barrel of fish.

  23. I love a list that makes me now feel I've known you longer than the 5 minutes it took to read it.
    Don't I know you from somewhere?
    maybe not.

  24. Miss Tan11/20/2006

    I HEART TAN in 100 ways.

  25. T.A.N.,

    I know I am so many days late and many thousands of dollars short on this one, but I had to comment. What amazing accomplishments you have, and all before you are 30. :-) Seriously though. I began to read the blog on your unlawful imprisoment and I have say honestly that I couldn't finish it because I began to cry. Images of Cry Freedom and Dry White Season came into my head and I had to turn back to the 100 list.

    We seem to have a few things in common except that when I beat up the kids in private school, I never got suspended. I will now and forever be even more addicted to your blog, just by reading this list.

    Ms. Denva

  26. #46- you are so dead-on for this one. If a 36 year-old looks 26, they should be allowed to be 26. Further to that argument, if the 36 year-old who looks 26 feels 17, then they should be allowed to be 17. Hm. I should come up with a name for this theorem.

  27. Number 57 almost made me spit my food out! :-)

  28. Anonymous5/10/2008

    #32 - I think the argument for GWB would be that by becoming president, he proved definitively that anyone can become president, thus opening the door for females and minorities. The down side being that the bottom of the barrel had to be reached, so to speak, before it was realized that there are more/other, debatably better, barrels.

  29. Ok now I'm convinced I'm in LOVE!~

  30. Anonymous8/25/2009

    Great post. I've been reading this blog for a minute and after going through the archives ... I think I know you. I'm a Prep 9 alum as well, but we weren't in the same contingent. I'm blown away because I've been trying to meet some Prep writers for a while now. It's great to know you're here!


Related Posts with Thumbnails