Friday, November 18, 2005

TAN: The NeverEnding Interview

Since talent borrows, and genius steals, I’m not going to tell you who inspired this...

This post will be a regularly updated "interview" that answers questions people have asked me over e-mail, or in person, or never. Eventually, if this goes as planned, I'll never have to answer another question again.

Please send your questions to - theassimilatednegro AT gmail DOT com. I promise to answer 99.9% of them and add them on here. This means tons of free exposure for your question, so if you have a question that's trying to make something of itself, and is driven to be more than a paltry ol' average mediocre question. Make sure you send it in so it can get a fair shot at the big time.

Who? I’m The Assimilated Negro. A lot of people, including myself, shorten that to TAN to keep it simple. My real name is The Assimilated Negro, so please keep asking. I do go by other names, they are given on a need-to-know basis.

What?? This is my site. Cleverly named The Assimilated Negro Dot Com. There’s an annoying blogspot in there now, but I do own the URL So DON'T try to bite my styze. The URL does forward to this site. And, as you probably guessed, it is in George W. Bush's bookmarks. As well as Barack Obama's and Jenna Jameson's. Eventually I will move to eliminate the annoying blogspot, and George W won't comment anymore because he won't know how to update his bookmarks. I will, however, send detailed instructions to help Jenna out.

When??? I post 5-6 days a week. Sometimes I post multiple times in a day. It’s probably best for you to check the site every hour or so, just to be safe.

Where???? I come to you live and direct from the center of the universe New York City. I currently live in East Harlem, also called El Barrio, Spanish Harlem, or SpaHa. But if someone calls it SpaHa you are legally allowed to assault them.

Why????? I started blogging so I could keep a physical record and take credit for the trends I’ve started. I basically put up all this other stuff in between updates of the Trends list. I guess I'm also trying to help my agent help me help her to help me and her make a lot of money so we can help other people to help themselves (her phrasing). I also felt the assimilated negro was lacking a voice. So consider this blog a declaration: I Am Assimilated Negro, Hear Me Roar! I'm also trying to help transform hip hop's brand identity. That's no joke (seriously) (I mean it) (despite the presence of triple parentheticals, you should know I'm not kidding). The final reason is because I needed something to send when I answer craigslist personal ads that ask for responders to "tell me a little something about your self." So this is for all you sexy, sassy, and intelligent W4M's, now can we turn on the Color me Badd, and um, start coloring, me, baddly?

What Else?????? I’ve been Gawkered and picked up on the internetprimarily for my hip hop songs about various sites/people/things. I know someone who has slept with Madonna. I know someone who dated Lauryn Hill. I know people who live in Sweden. I went to prep/boarding school and college to get my assimilation on, but I remain open to resolving disputes through physical violence. Here are 100 other things about me. And you can find out more in the neverending interview that follows:

Why do you do rap songs about bloggers?

The power of Christ compels me. I also want people to love hip hop like I do, and everyone likes hip hop when there's a personal song done about them.

Where did you come from? You started blogging a short time ago, and you’re all over the place.

I come from Africa mon. Oh wait. I come from Jamaica mon. Red Stripe Hooray Beer!! While I just started the physical act of blogging recently(sept. '05), I’ve been a blogger in spirit and avid random note taker / long e-mailer for years.

What’s your hip hop background entail?

My father was down with the hip hop founding fathers. He has credits on albums like Planet Rock and the soundtrack for Beat Street. So many say they grew up around hip hop, but it rings a bit truer for me. During college I hosted a hip hop radio show every Fri. night from 10pm-2am. I did this despite the protestations of every college woman who cleared out that time in their schedule for "drunken debauchery." *sigh* Through my pops, college radio, and personal career as an artist I’ve met, interviewed, and performed with hip hop professionals with varying degrees of notoriety.

Have you done any interracial dating?

Oh boy have I. And don't forget the interracial mating.

Are you a reverse racist?

Nothing reverse about it. I hate on Negroes, Asians, and Caucasians alike. I also wonder if Asians want to change that description to Asiyns. So they’re not derivative of Caucasians anymore (like woman and womyn). Though I guess it should be the Caucasians who change to Caucasiyns, since the Asians have the whole Asia thing going for them. Lucky for me I'm Negro so I don't have to worry too much about all this.

What's your favorite animal?

The playtypus.

What are your five favorite CD's?

Come on. The CD's question is so no longer relevant. Like obviously I would bring an mp3 player (but not an ipod, since they're overrated and overpriced) with a variety of songs and artists.

Ok. Then who are your five favorite artists? And why?


Stevie Wonder - I like to say, even though I'm not a religious man, that Stevie Wonder represents proof positive that God exists.
Eminem - Because he has the best combination of humor and skills amongst emcees out today. Possibly even better than me.
Jay-Z - Because he won me over with his lyrical content on The Black Album. And he has great producers working on his behalf.
Michael Jackson - as long as he doesn't molest me I still bump a lot of his old material. The Off The Wall, Thriller, Bad era is hard to beat.
Madonna - I'm presuming I'm doing this before getting shipped off to a deserted island, so I want to be prepared in case a woman happens to wash ashore. We can listen to Madonna and gossip about Michael Jackson.

What's currently in your fridge?

Lactaid milk, orange juice, a bunch of cans of Sunkist, a bunch of cans of Pepsi, mayo, ketchup, some other no longer identifiable condiments, water, a tomato, bread, sliced chicken and turkey from the deli.

What are your five favorite movies? And why?

I'm a movie nut, so five is extremely limiting, but right now I'd say:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - charlie kauffman's creativity combined with emotional resonance = perfect film.
The Corporation (documentary) - the corporate paradigm will change due in small part to this movie. (and in large part to TAN).
Waking Life - I love philosophy, and creatively animated philosophy is even better.
Big - I wanted to get an old school movie in there and this comes to mind.
Lord of The Rings trilogy - the current standard for epic filmmaking. slightly better than my arrested for holding a DVD trilogy.

How do you feel about someone making a magnet of you?

I love it. I encourage this sort of behavior completely.

How did you feel hanging out with NYC's blogger elite?

Who? Oh, I don't know. Kind of like an elitist, kind of like a panhandler. It was bittersweet, but I got some spare change out of the deal.

How does it feel to be Gawkered on back-to-back days?

It felt like I was born. Again.

Speaking of born, were you really born in a cab?

Kind of. The consciousness I know now was born in a cab. I was physically born five years previous in Jacobi Hospital.

Who do you know that slept with Madonna or dated Lauryn Hill?

I'll tell next time I need to get Gawkered. Gotta keep the people coming back for more you know.

If you knew you were going to live like a bum your whole life, but as soon as you died you would become posthumously famous, would you kill yourself?

I don't know. I'm thinking about it.

Would you get shot nine times to be in the position 50 cent is in now?

If I knew I'd survive, then definitely yes. If I don't know the outcome, then I'd probably only take five bullets. Vivica's cool, but she ain't worth six bullets.

Have you ever passed gas during sex? How did you handle it?

I lit a match. Unfortunately the whole apartment exploded. *rimshot*

How do you maintain that girlish figure of yours?

I read Cosmo and starve like everyone else. The skinny models in ads apply pressure on the guys as well you know. I also throw up after every donut. If they're krispy kreme donuts sometimes I eat them again, by then most of the calories have disappeared.

What's the longest stretch of time that you've worn the same underwear?

When were you born young buck? Don't be talking back now, I got underwear older than you boy.

Do you think Beyonce and Jay-Z make a good couple?

Yeah I guess. When I dumped Beyonce, I never thought she'd get over it. But apparently she's a Survivor and she's gonna make it.

If you found out God and George Bush are definitely the same person, what would be the first thing you said to him?

That's pretty fcuking funny.

What kind of question represents the .1% of questions you won't answer in this forum?

Anything with the word sphincter in it.

Did you know questions about the sphincter can be related to the stomach as well?

No comment. I said I would not answer those. I'm not interested in your assology.

What's your most embarrassing memory from high school?

I'm most embarrassed by the fact that I have a facebook picture in which I'm wearing Dwayne-Wayne glasses and a Levi's "Sit On It" shirt. The horror. The horror.

Can you still tap dance?

Only if you're a lady. And only if you ask nicely.

Do you perform? Where have you performed?

I do perform. I haven't since spring / early summer '05. But the gears are starting to grind on that again. I've performed at Joe's Pub, Nublu, Southpaw, Bowery Poetry Club, and some other venues in NYC. Schools - UPenn, Wesleyan, Trinity.

Why don't you perform more? Why haven't we heard of you?

I plan on performing more. As to why you haven't heard of me, I don't know, there could be a number of reasons, perhaps the first is that it's a big city, and an even bigger world.

Aren't you like 30? Are you just trying to pick up college chicks? Does it work?

I will never turn 30, even when people claim I've turned 30, which hasn't happened yet. I think I'm trying to pick up readers, but I'm definitely NOT trying to pick up college guys. Regardless, nothing I do works.

Have you ever seen the movie Teenage Caveman?

No. But I have seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

One of the guys we hang with, who is gay, took a fancy to me. Nothing new, but this time, both of us went our separate ways, at one point to another party. At said party, I was cooked, and passed out on a friends couch. This other guy did too, and tried to get frisky. I wasn't havin' it, but then I thought to myself that if this bloke, a good friend BTW, wanted to touch a hot piece of 20 year old ass, maybe I should just let him. If I did indeed let him put his hands on my ass, and otherwise cop a feel, does this make me gay?

This question is too long. It's more of a "Dear TAN" question, and we haven't started that segment yet. But yes, you are gay. Very much so.

How tall are you?

I'm taller than the midget in your building that you've been giving "sexy eyes" too. And I'm a little shorter than God. I do wish I was a wee bit taller. Just so I could occasionally grab a bite to eat off a tree branch.

Are girls with red hair really the coolest girls in the world? (note: there is only one correct answer to this question. I think you know...)

Thinking I know anything is always a mistake destined to end in a catastrophe. I'm guessing you expect my answer to be, "no, they're not the coolest girls in the world." But actually I have a soft spot for redheads. And I marvel at their ability to be cool and hot like fire at the same time.

Did you get many people asking you questions?

Actually, for some reason, more people are sending me answers. I have no idea where the questions are, but the answers are flooding my inbox.

Will you help get me and my roommate liquored if we come to NYC for New Years?

I don't think they serve liquor in NYC on New Year's. Sorry. You're welcome to join me and my grandfather though for a rousing game of Gin Rummy.

Are you really a fat old white lady? Regardless of whether or not you are, why should we trust your answer?

I am really a fat old white lady. Though I don't consider myself fat. That's society's deviltalk, and I'm not listening. I'm also not white. I'm light-skin. You should trust me because I have a website on the internet.
Do you think you're funny?

No. I said "show me the money."

Did you know you rock / suck?

Yes. No. Thank you for reading my piece on

Can you say I'd've? Is there a rule against having more than one apostrophe in a word?

Good question. Orange, what say ye?

I know sometimes rappers are called emcees or MCs--but that's not all rappers, is it? Does it hearken back to the early days at the turntable, scratching and whatnot? Would anyone call Eminem or Kanye West an emcee, or not? And in the verb form, is all rapping emceeing, or just certain varieties of rapping?

Rappers are sometimes called emcees, or MC's. You can definitely call Eminem and Kanye emcees. Hip hop purists will often identify someone as a rapper, and NOT an emcee because they don't meet a certain artistic/literary standard. Some relate emceeing to a "conscious" or positive message. Thus rappers like 50Cent and the like are rappers, not emcees.

They are both the same thing though, the person who does the vocals on a rap song.

A related debate is rap vs. hip hop. this is where you get the inclusion of the other hip hop art forms like dj'ing, breakdancing, graffiti etc. hip hop is typically regarded as the big cultural
umbrella that encompasses the "street/urban" sensibility and all its artistic manifestations. rap is one of the manifestations. and a particular style of rap at that.

In the verb form I would equate rapping and emceeing. As an action they're the same thing ....

What Do You Want To Know???
send your question to theassimilatednegro [AT] gmail [DOT] com


  1. Anonymous11/18/2005

    I've been here a few times since seeing you on gawker. you are a riot.

    I'll be forwarding my own private question your way.

  2. Well, I guess we know all about you now. No more reading required ha ha ha!

    the Power of Christ Compels You ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    Best line I've read in a while.. ! Makes me want some pea soup!

  3. funny, dancing rapper who can write. well. you're fucking fascinating. seriously.

    did we go to school together?

    sorry, I don't have a blog.

  4. anon - thanks

    judge - thanks.

    choatey - to put dancing first is probably a little off. I haven't put on the ol' tap shoes since I was a young teeny-bopper. In fact before my choate days. I don't know if we went to school together. sometimes the sarahs start blending together. e me and we can try and sort out the sordid details.

  5. Anonymous11/18/2005

    awesome interview.

  6. Im happy that someone besides me recognizes the root word "ass".

  7. you are a COMPLETE fool Where do you come up with this stuff?

  8. I guess even if you HAD seen the movie Teenage Caveman, you wouldn't remember since you got a rebate for all that caveman education, right?

  9. Oh Christ, "SpaHa." That's gotta go. Thank god my 'hood still lacks a trendy moniker (Central Harlem). What are they gonna do, call it C-Ha? If that happens, I'm moving to "SoBro" (South Bronx).

    Nice interview.

  10. anon - thanks

    blackcat - you always pick out the good stuff

    closet - where do yo ucome up with your stuff is the real question here.

    niki - true

    drunk - SoBro. I kind of like that. I was born and raised in SoBro, then lived downtown LES, and now reside in SpaHa. excellent.

  11. There is no limit to the number of apostrophes you can use as long as you use 'em correctly. You'd've killed me with an abomination like "I'd of," but I like "I'd've." 'Tain't nothin' wrong with the two-apostrophe word, no matter how 'sim'lated you may be.


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