Friday, December 02, 2005

TAN Quarterly Report

Dear TAN stockholders,

We are pleased to report that the first quarter for TAN has surpassed expectations. As our base continues to grow (TAN recently acquired its 100th ‘Rati link), we are happy to declare that TAN has a promising outlook for the future.

You know it was only a couple months ago when we wondered if 'Rati links were some sort of new hipster vegan sausage. Now we shake our head in disdain cause we know it's something far more trivial.

But this letter isn't about jokes at our own expense. That's not the TAN way. The TAN way is to flaunt what we got, drop it like it's hot, and ... try not to get shot?

Now at the time of the IPO in September many questioned the “assimilated negro” foundation we aimed to build upon. They said,
What's the formula yo? Negro-plus-wannabe white? That’s like a worst-case scenario isn’t it?

I mean assimilated negroes have success, but not with blogs. And they certainly don't call themselves out like that. No, no, we can take some of them and put them in a nice company/firm so we can get our “multicultural” on when it’s time to market. But blogs are a little too personal. That’s a little too risqué. We rescind assimilation privileges for too rowdy behavior.
But lo and behold the early adopters don’t care what you call yourself if you bring that real ish. If you held the DSL or cable modem to your ear you could hear the whispers, “That negro’s smart. That negro’s funny. That negro’s got talent.” But there were still more questions. Some feared he would be branded a sellout. They said,
Prep school??!?! And he trying to rap??? Pissshhaw. I saw Eight Mile yo. Prep schoolers GET NO PROPS in the hood. Ain't no Choate/Pomfret kid telling me how to keep it real.
But they didn’t know TAN was born in the belly of the beast. A little boy sometimes sitting next to Bam himself. Hip hop flowed through his veins, he couldn't help but be as real as real can be. Or as they say in the blog world, "you know, whatevs." So then they said,
ok, maybe the assimilated brother can be cool with the negroes. He got the little father connection. He got a little bit of skills. But he ain’t gonna be able to pop in on those hoity-toity motherfcukers. Even if the negro do a little shuck-and-jive for them. They ain’t gone let him up in there spraying that "graffiti" in their comment boxes.
But they didn’t know TAN would beat down all the punk ass cracker white boy bloggers and rape their women. And he would do that every night until he was given a Gawker User Id. He was. And the graffiti commenced, the beatings stopped, while the rapings continue on.

Then they said,
Alright so you became a kinda sorta blog geek. Big friggin' whoop Melanin-Man. You cracked their code and got to comment. But you still won’t be able to do anything in "real life." You can’t go to their parties, touch their laptops, or get a good seat at a reading series."
But then TAN received an invite from the esteemed Lusty Lady (actually LL's friend) and panhandled amongst the bloggerati. He has since received copious amounts of change from much of the NYC Blog Society (NYBS - New York BullShit?). And though he hasn't touched any laptops, he now gets the opportunity to fall asleep at a reading series / book party every week.

With all this talking, before we knew it the first quarter was over, and TAN had pooped on all skeptics of "the black blog with the white writing."

Of course one quarter does not a year make. There remains plenty of time for corrections and people to re-adjust their feelings. So we remain focused on the task at hand. The beat downs of all the punk ass cracker white boy bloggers will resume ASAP.

And we know many still lurk in the background, not yet ready to commit to a negro. They want to see what quarter #2 holds. It's alright, we keep an ear to the modem. We hear the whispers,
100 links ain’t shit son. What's that mean, like 100 people like him out of a kazillion? Come on. I'm about to de-blog roll him, just to drop his ass to 99.

Yo for real, I don't think he got the goods to hang with the big boys. The old people who run this piece/world don't be going for that "negro" jazz, they may listen to jazz, but they don't be going for it, that institutuional slavery hits too close to home.

Yo when those blog songs start getting wack and played out, it’s going to be real bad for him then. He ain't gonna be getting no links.

Yo son, I swear all he does is add negro to everything he says and people think that shit’s funny. Whatever yo. That shit won't last.

Ayo, he be talking like he’s attractive and gets girls. But I saw him in person the other night, and he’s like not even half that good looking. Yo he was straight-up wack. I think he’s gained weight or been in a car accident or something.

Yo, you see his template?? Tell me he don't got the most friggin' basic paint by numbers ugly-ass-black blogspot template. Ain't nobody with the black blogspot template gonna blow up.

Yo if TAN comments on my blog one more time, I’m gonna snuff him. Fcuk it. For real, I don't even think he really black. I ain't scared.
To those people we have nothing to say except,
We'll see you in quarter #2 bitches.
And as this letter comes to a close, I know some of you are wondering if this is in fact really a letter. Cause it flows a little odd for an actual letter.

Well it is a letter. We know it's a letter. We know it because it starts with a "Dear ..."

And ends with a ...



PS - You punk ass cracker white boy bloggers should know I'm just kidding. I'm not kidding about you being punk ass cracker white boy bloggers, just kidding about the beatdowns. Y'all alright.

PPS - We don't really "rape" so much as we "charm their pants off with our fists."



  1. Sometimes I wonder. But I think after the "first quarter" it's readily apparent that you're a crazy man. good crazy, I think, but def. crazy.

  2. Anonymous12/02/2005

    glad you PS'd the punk ass cracker bloggers. I was feeling a little bad about it. But it's all good if there's no violence. :)

  3. stockholder12/02/2005

    "it's not rape, it's chaming their pants off with our fists"


  4. I'm assuming those of us who 'rati-linked you early on in the game will be getting some dividends, then?

  5. You rock! When's the IPO and where do lay the money down?


  6. cool larryS12/03/2005

    Its all good ..BUT at the end of the day, you're still just a negro!

    .just sayin..

    buts its all good anyways

  7. choatey - yeah I'm keeping my fingers crossed on "good" crazy

    anon - no diggity

    girly - thank you counselor

    ali - TAN doesn't pay dividends. we think it's wiser to reinvest.

    niti - thanks

    cool larry - ummm... "just a negro?" I think you mean "lust a negro"...

    but if there's a problem, please refer it to my bodyguard

  8. i'm just commenting on your blog overall. as The Assimilated NEGRESS, i truly appreciate your commentary. maybe one day i'll get my sh*t together and join in instead of having a blog full of premature senile ramblings...

    "all i hafta do is stay black and die!"

  9. cool larry12/04/2005

    soryy about my typo! trudat lust a negro! for sure! peace

  10. cool larry12/04/2005

    shit... after watching that...all I can say is.. always run when a girl wants to fight, cause you can't win

  11. OK I'm bored with this post now. Please write a new one.

  12. 1. You had best pay out some dividends to Ali-Z. That rent doesn't pay for itself, you know. And "reinvest"? Leave that to punk ass cracker white boy executives at places like Enron. Cash is King here, baby.

    2. I recently began playing GTA: San Andreas. As a member of the aforementioned "punk ass cracker white boy" demographic, I am both highly entertained and intensely horrified by the experience. Is this wrong? Discuss.

  13. lc - I use that line all the time ...

    claire - as you requested ...

    l'emme - nothign wrong with being highly entertained and intensely horrified. I suspect that's how most of my dates feel after a night on the town.


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