From the man who brought you hobo-rap, the end of all winking, and revolutionary new tools for the mucus on your nose (I’m like George Washington Carver, Holla!).
The next campaign is upon us. I know many have already begun the fight ... I now join you in the struggle.
What the fuck are you talking about?!!?
This is my OPEn tRAnscipTION to people who use ROTFLMAO.
Dear people who use the term ROTFLMAO,
What the fuck are you talking about?!!? I don’t get it. People don’t really say “rolling on the floor laughing my ass off” in actual conversation. So why do you have to shoehorn this waste of eight letters into our messaging and e-mails? It’s not even a good acronym. It’s not clever. It doesn’t spell anything. And it’s not even that short, ROTFLMAO is longer than most standard good-size words. It’s almost as long as the word “eucalyptus.” And no one wants to write that out. It’s as long as “laughing,” and longer than writing the word “funny.” Which is the point here, right? I can only presume you're trying to express your amusement, and the whole rolling on the floor and ass falling off is for “dramatic effect.” Correct me if I’m wrong.
And really, rolling on the floor? Laughing my ass off? What is the imagery we have going here? Has that ever happened at any time in the history of the universe? Someone rolling on the floor laughing, and their ass falls off? I don’t think so. It’s fucking disgusting. It’d be like “YO SON! Don’t tell that joke again, the last time you said it someone rolled on the floor and laughed his ass off. There was blood and not-yet-congealed shit everywhere. It was fucking nasty. I’m not down with that. Just tell the regular old funny ha-ha jokes.”
Ok. I could even concede letting you use the “rolling on the floor” part. It’s a little unnecessary, but all right, we get it, you really enjoy the humor going on right now. Excellent.
We can even add the “laughing,” just so we know what you’re rolling on the floor about. Even though clearly, it had to be the joke. That was a good ass joke. It had you rolling on the floor … laughing.
But nooooo. You can’t leave it at that. No, that’s not enough. No, this joke here was EXTRA superlative. This joke right here was THE SHIT! This joke right here had me rolling on the floor … laughing my ASS OFF!! Yeah, not on. Off. My ass. Off. From the joke. Well yeah, I don’t think it was just the joke. The rolling around helps too. It’s the combination of the joke and the rolling around on the floor laughing. I think the ass actually falls off while I’m rolling around on the floor … laughing. I guess my ass could fall off while I was rolling around the floor crying as well. You just need an emotional response strong enough that it forces the ass to detach a little bit. Then the rolling around takes care of the rest. But we don’t like to talk or “acronymize” about the crying so much, that’s a touchy subject.
Ok, so stop it ROTFLMAOers. Or I’ll get my bodyguard to pummel you.
Ok I have a couple things to add.
So if we remove ourselves from this satirical fantasy-land, where people’s asses come off when they hear a good joke, We acknowledge that no one is actually rolling on the floor laughing their ass off. It’s a dramatization. It would be disgusting. And certainly if it were true we wouldn’t see it nearly as often as we do.
This is when you people who use ROTFLMAO really become fascinating subjects. Cause if everyone knows that there is zero chance that any person is actually rolling on the floor laughing their ass off, then what exactly are you doing? Why do you feel compelled to relay this reckless bastardization of the truth? Have you no moral compass? Were you raised in a dark dungeon by Sin and Betrayal, never to know the light of honest communication? There's no need for this:
“I just stubbed my toe on my bed”
I’m not letting it slide anymore. From now on I’m going to say,
“No. No you’re not ROTFLYAO. You’re lying. That’s what you’re doing. You’re sitting at a computer and typing lies.”
Why do we allow this lying, this projection of some alternative world where we have crazy hysterical responses to even the most casual of conversations? I get enough propaganda in the daily barrage of corporate marketing nonsense. I don’t need your transparent histrionics in my personal e-mail. If you’re trying to express your enjoyment of a joke, Judas, why don’t you give this a try:
“That was funny.”
“That was really funny.”
Yeah maybe it doesn’t have the same fireworks as your roll-the-ass routine, but it’s real life. Honest. True. Pure.
Let’s try and keep it that way.
Now I'm really done,