Wednesday, March 15, 2006


From the man who brought you hobo-rap, the end of all winking, and revolutionary new tools for the mucus on your nose (I’m like George Washington Carver, Holla!).

The next campaign is upon us. I know many have already begun the fight ... I now join you in the struggle.

What the fuck are you talking about?!!?

This is my OPEn tRAnscipTION to people who use ROTFLMAO.

Dear people who use the term ROTFLMAO,

What the fuck are you talking about?!!? I don’t get it. People don’t really say “rolling on the floor laughing my ass off” in actual conversation. So why do you have to shoehorn this waste of eight letters into our messaging and e-mails? It’s not even a good acronym. It’s not clever. It doesn’t spell anything. And it’s not even that short, ROTFLMAO is longer than most standard good-size words. It’s almost as long as the word “eucalyptus.” And no one wants to write that out. It’s as long as “laughing,” and longer than writing the word “funny.” Which is the point here, right? I can only presume you're trying to express your amusement, and the whole rolling on the floor and ass falling off is for “dramatic effect.” Correct me if I’m wrong.

And really, rolling on the floor? Laughing my ass off? What is the imagery we have going here? Has that ever happened at any time in the history of the universe? Someone rolling on the floor laughing, and their ass falls off? I don’t think so. It’s fucking disgusting. It’d be like “YO SON! Don’t tell that joke again, the last time you said it someone rolled on the floor and laughed his ass off. There was blood and not-yet-congealed shit everywhere. It was fucking nasty. I’m not down with that. Just tell the regular old funny ha-ha jokes.”

Ok. I could even concede letting you use the “rolling on the floor” part. It’s a little unnecessary, but all right, we get it, you really enjoy the humor going on right now. Excellent.

We can even add the “laughing,” just so we know what you’re rolling on the floor about. Even though clearly, it had to be the joke. That was a good ass joke. It had you rolling on the floor … laughing.

But nooooo. You can’t leave it at that. No, that’s not enough. No, this joke here was EXTRA superlative. This joke right here was THE SHIT! This joke right here had me rolling on the floor … laughing my ASS OFF!! Yeah, not on. Off. My ass. Off. From the joke. Well yeah, I don’t think it was just the joke. The rolling around helps too. It’s the combination of the joke and the rolling around on the floor laughing. I think the ass actually falls off while I’m rolling around on the floor … laughing. I guess my ass could fall off while I was rolling around the floor crying as well. You just need an emotional response strong enough that it forces the ass to detach a little bit. Then the rolling around takes care of the rest. But we don’t like to talk or “acronymize” about the crying so much, that’s a touchy subject.

Ok, so stop it ROTFLMAOers. Or I’ll get my bodyguard to pummel you.




Ok I have a couple things to add.

So if we remove ourselves from this satirical fantasy-land, where people’s asses come off when they hear a good joke, We acknowledge that no one is actually rolling on the floor laughing their ass off. It’s a dramatization. It would be disgusting. And certainly if it were true we wouldn’t see it nearly as often as we do.

This is when you people who use ROTFLMAO really become fascinating subjects. Cause if everyone knows that there is zero chance that any person is actually rolling on the floor laughing their ass off, then what exactly are you doing? Why do you feel compelled to relay this reckless bastardization of the truth? Have you no moral compass? Were you raised in a dark dungeon by Sin and Betrayal, never to know the light of honest communication? There's no need for this:

“I just stubbed my toe on my bed”


I’m not letting it slide anymore. From now on I’m going to say,

“No. No you’re not ROTFLYAO. You’re lying. That’s what you’re doing. You’re sitting at a computer and typing lies.”

Why do we allow this lying, this projection of some alternative world where we have crazy hysterical responses to even the most casual of conversations? I get enough propaganda in the daily barrage of corporate marketing nonsense. I don’t need your transparent histrionics in my personal e-mail. If you’re trying to express your enjoyment of a joke, Judas, why don’t you give this a try:

“That was funny.”


“That was really funny.”

Yeah maybe it doesn’t have the same fireworks as your roll-the-ass routine, but it’s real life. Honest. True. Pure.

Let’s try and keep it that way.


Now I'm really done,



  1. I'd like to volunteer. Where do I sign up?

    I'm slightly more picky though. Someone so much as "LOLs" at me, that's a dealbreaker.

  2. Anonymous3/15/2006

    I laughed audibly while reading that post, prompting co-workers to inquire as to my well-being. But there was no rolling, or falling off of my ass.

    Personally, if somebody makes me laugh on IM, I type "funny" or if it's really funny I'll spell out the type of laughter from a simple "hehe" to a raucous "BWHAAAAHAHAHAHAHA"

  3. I want to take this crusade further: to LOL. LOL must die. Occasionally, someone actually did chortle aloud before they wrote "LOL," but when the guy on the condo board includes it three times in a memo to his neighbors, I somehow doubt there was such a laff riot going on.

    But TAN, when I read this post, I did in fact SQIMCALTM (sit quietly in my chair and laugh to myself). My ass is intact.

  4. the thing is, at least LOL is short and to the point. ROTFLMAO is so long and annoying. I am with you TAN ... let's kill 'em

  5. Whenever I do one of those smiley/winky characters, I do actually wink at my computer. I feel comfortable in my use of ;-)

  6. Anonymous3/15/2006

    ROTFLMAO - Holla!

    (And now I must go figure out how to put my ass back on...)

  7. Lucifer3/15/2006

    I have actually rolled on the floor when somthing was really funny.

  8. Man, this really makes you angry! I thought I was the only onw to get worked up over minute nonsense. But I hear you. Nobody has ever laughed their ass off. Peed in their pants? Maybe. Fell to the ground? all right. Busted a gut? Possibly. i am down with stopping this.

    By the way, TAN, you will truly become George Washington Carver when your ideas are stolen by the likes of Frederick "Jif" Armstrong and "Skippy" Williamson.

  9. Anonymous3/15/2006

    I used ROFLMAO all the time. Can't we all just appreciate acronyms? I mean, let's not take things to seriously. I would hope you don't think a joke is the SHIT. First of all, "the shit" is used in reference to something good. When did shitting become good? Why do you like shit?

    Funny item today, though.

  10. I have read shorter manifestos about the evils of capitalism and the plots of the zionists. Gosh, TANm you are one pissed off dude. I am no fan of emoticons.anachronisms,whatever-the-hell when typing. Never used one myself. BUt wow, this must really get under your skin. Take some valium and kick back for a minute, bro.

  11. Hilarious! I would have to agree with Orange that we should tack on LOL to the ban list. I much prefer "hahaha" or Orange's SQIMCALTM.

  12. ROFL lamo lol


  13. That would be a cool idea for a diet. Shed the pounds through laughter. At least you'd have a skinny ass. Hmm. Anyone have a good joke?

  14. Yeah I never knew what Rotflmao meant until now-- thanks for clearing it up. Besides being a weird phrase and teenagerish it also keeps people out of the loop. THe internet should remain a realm full of freedom for everyone where info and defintitions freely flo. ROTFLMAO-- its also annoying that you have to do it all in caps and hold your pinky down while you type making it more akward--- but it is like a club where only people in the know can understand. THat's wrong and "uninternetic."

    uninternetic (adj)-- not espousing the virtues of the internet which stands for free flowing information..

  15. To update the phrase for the 00s, perhaps it could be...LSHMLLJ, that is, "Laughing so hard my lady lumps jiggle."

  16. Click on "snotcicle" and about two thirds of the way down you'll find a similar sidebar, poo poohing the "lol-ification" of the net.

    Rock on TANman.

  17. Anonymous3/15/2006

    I am not amused



    (c'mon, what did you really expect?)


  19. I agree. I prefer "funny" because, at least, I understand what it means. I wonder how you learned (guessed?) the meaning of this ROTetc thing.

    (Rubbing My Nuts And Yawning While Listening To Internet Radio)

  21. Awww, man, save us from the literalists! Hyperbole rocks the Internet. (IMHO)


    (the initials above stand for no actual set of word; it's message-board-speak) ;-)

  22. It's a bastardization of the English language and no one likes a bastard. No more acronyms, period. No brb, lol, jk, w/e(which I recently learned was short for whatever), ttyl. All of them and there users should be shunned and sent away.

  23. Worse than ROFLMAO: When people indiciate something is funny by declaring "just spit out my coke/pepsi all over my screen!"

    I'm willing to bet that, in the history of the internet, only one or two people have actually found something so funny as to actually spit coke all over their monitor.

  24. Anonymous3/17/2006

    Hmmmm...maybe that's why I have no ass.

  25. Anonymous3/17/2006

    You're my new favorite blog. I giggled like an idiot while reading this.


  26. I cried a bit due to laughing convulsively while reading TAN's open letter to ROTFLMAOers. If my bladder had been fuller I might've even peed a little. My ass is, thankfully, still right where I left it. I need that ass, and no amount of laughter will convince me to part with it.

  27. s- "uninternetic"- I love it!!!
    TAN, I came here about a year ago defending my right to wink ;-)...
    But I have to agree with you on this. It's assinine. "LHR" would do it (Laughing Really Hard) but even that isn't necessary. "HA!" works better than anything, really.
    Incidentally, I spend a great deal of time laughing and the size of my (ample) ass is testament to the fact that it ain't goin' anywhere, no matter how hard I laugh.

  28. I found your musings highly entertaining, and paused to consider what really angers you is, perhaps, bad punctuation.


    Yes...much better.


  29. hmmm...i did actually laugh out loud when reading this post. where can i sign up? my coworker, who is a myspace whore, uses it all the time and every time i feel compelled to hit her. i've restrained myself thus far but who knows how much longer i can maintain my self-control...

  30. Anonymous8/14/2007

    I agree. I mean...I've rolled on the floor. But my ass has never left my body in the process. And the situation is getting worse. I saw an "ROTFLMGDFAO" (Rolling on the floor laughing my goddamn fucking ass off) What the hell is that? 11 friggin' annoying letters...for nothing. So I thing we should bludgeon all who abuse the alphabet in such...RETARDED ways. *pointed to some guys in the shadows* THAT MEANS YOU TOO!


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