Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Girls: The Human Care-Package

Do people still get/send "care-packages" anymore?

A friend of mine recently re-entered the dating scene, and has decided to treat me as "Hitch" to his, um, "Kevin Smith's James' character" (oy, I need an intern) (jesus, how assimilated have I gotten? Did I just say, 'oy, I need an intern' -- it's like, ni**a you ARE the intern!!!).

Now everytime I see my friend I need to offer advice and come up with some different metaphor for women and/or relationships. He's one of these "smart-sensitive guys", so I can't keep telling him my "holes-on-heels" philosophy over and over again.

So the other day I noted myself telling him how I thought that girls are like care-packages.

Everyone likes a care-package. In a fundamental sense, there's something undeniably irresistible about a care-package. If you don't know anything about where it came from, initially you might be like "ehhh, I don't know about this ..." but eventually you have to think, "awww, what the hey, it's a care-package." (you also have to wonder what time you're going to get your ass kicked for saying 'what the hey?'") But no one ever completely turns down a care-package, unless its incredibly inconvenient, or it smokes crack and lives on the street. Care packages are so nice some people will pay for it themselves, and have it delivered. Discreetly wrapped, of course.

Even the suggestion of a nice care package entering your life can be transfixing. You'll be at work thinking about it. You are intoxicated with the thought of it arriving, and the subsequent inspection of its contents.

This is not to say care packages are all rainbows and BLT sandwiches. The above applies primarily to the idea of the "care package," the reality is that most care packages have some stuff you like and some shite you could care less about:

I'll keep the chocolate covered tits, the filing/organizational system, and the recipe book. The anal-retentive ass creme can go in the box for The Salvation Army.

A lot of care packages have an item that's not supposed to be opened until later. That item is usually wrapped up and labeled "SEX".

And of course that's the one you just stare at and think about ripping open ASAP. Usually it ends up feeling like, "eh, I probably could have waited for that."

Guys can't be care packages. They're too cold and steely and guyish. Guy care packages invariably suck. You get dirty underwear and some duct tape ... maybe some chips if you're lucky. There's very little "care." It's just packages. Which, ultimately, also makes a lot of sense. Guys are just packages really.

Anyways, I don't know if people still send care-packages. This could be old school terminology. Or maybe, at least for guys, you grow out of them and start dealing with girls on a full time basis ... no need for fake care packages in boxes, when you got real ones that walk around to deal with.

15 comments:

  1. Kevin Smith isn't in Hitch. You're probably thinking of Kevin James from King of Queens.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The last care package I got was lightly dusted with Anthrax. If you know what I mean...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Care packages are a girl thing- we tend to do that for one another sending shiny trinkets and toys with thoughtful notes. Dirty underwear and duct tape just don't quite have the same impact.

    I do have one burning question, where does one get chocolate tits?

    ReplyDelete
  4. nice to have you back TAN.

    I'm one of the best kind of care packages there are. all good stuff. little to throw away.

    and I only cover my breasts in chocolate on special occasions ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous4/05/2006

    nice little riff TAN ...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous4/05/2006

    I recently got a very nice care package, a V-Day gift actually, from a guy in prison.

    Oh and good post.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "I recently got a very nice care package, a V-Day gift actually, from a guy in prison."

    Like George Costanza said, the only thing hotter than conjical visit sex is fugitive sex.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I get a lot of care packages from my mother.

    Now I'm confused... and disturbed.

    ReplyDelete
  9. We got care packages in the Marines all the time. Girls, on the other hand, not so much.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Great update TAN. I actually laughed out loud four times. Other blogs just kinda fade out, but you keep on deliverin' the laughs.

    ReplyDelete
  11. my mom sends me care packages, too, to remind me that somebody loves me....i'll be alone forever.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My mom sent an Easter care package to my workplace a couple weeks ago... I mistakingly left it out and the s**p&D f*ck*N mice ate my Cadbury Cream Eggs. I'm so bitter.

    ReplyDelete
  13. (you also have to wonder what time you're going to get your ass kicked for saying 'what the hey?'")
    --------------------
    I was THINKING THE exact same thing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous4/13/2006

    not totally unrelated, but mostly...two people (who plausibly could have been TAN)claimed to be the author of this site while trying to get me to chat with them at a bar. after the first i was like whatever, the second time i said, "hmm.." if it happens a third time you will be canonized as a pick up line. i guess this is one way to achieve immortality.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous4/13/2006

    not totally unrelated, but mostly...two people (who plausibly could have been TAN)claimed to be the author of this site while trying to get me to chat with them at a bar. after the first i was like whatever, the second time i said, "hmm.." if it happens a third time you will be canonized as a pick up line. i guess this is one way to achieve immortality.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts with Thumbnails