Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The Bartending Muse - Part III: Mission Impossible

I have developed a crush on a bartendress. But it’s not a specific image of her that is distracting me, it’s more the idea of her. I think dating a bartender or stripper should be one of the items on every guy's "100 Things To Do Before I Die" list. So I have dubbed this vivacious and voluptuous vixen The Bartending Muse, and I am currently chronicling my pursuit/stalking/wooing of her. The saga begins here.

Here are the notes from Day 2.

(these days are non-consecutive by the way. Day and Day 2 were about a week apart. Day 2 and Day 3 were a couple days apart. Day 4 is another week after that.)

And now ... Day 3:

So after Day 1 I was unsure. But Day 2 seemed like a nice step forward. It had a weird abrupt ending, but still definitely more to work with. We had the name, what she does when not bartending, what's she passionate about and what she's trying to do with her life (if anything) ... standard getting to know you stuff. We had her raising the spectre of competition, vis-a-vis someone she's seeing, but also leveling the playing field by changing the title from "seeing" to "kind of dating." We had me respond to that with a mental arm pump, "Yes!" Gotta love title changes, very emboldening. We got some comped drinks, and the tab wasn't too bad. So there was a lot to like.

But there's still been a bar between us the whole time. And so the mission for Day 3 was to make a move on removing the bar. To that point we had yet to initiate the Great Information Exchange, so that was the primary objective.

Now I had a birthday party to go to further downtown, so the plan was to make this visit short and sweet. Just do a flyby to make an impression on her radar. A hit on her sitemeter. I would make a move for the information, but no hard sell. Very pliable approach. A lot of room to breathe. I'm less interested in the actual info, more in the enthusiasm (or lack thereof) in providing the info. This is reconaissance.

As it turns out, this would be the first time I go by myself, as my friends bail out on me for the evening, ensuring I won't have any company/wingperson until I get to the birthday party. But since we're in Day 3, that's not as big a problem.

So I enter the bar for dolo. I see the bartender is present and head on over. First problem: place is crowded, and to be even more particular, most of the crowd is around the bar. I survey the scene looking for a solution and run into ... Second problem: the second bartender on duty is possibly hotter than The Bartending Muse. Do I trade in my muse for an upgrade after two days? No, no ... that's not TAN's styze. The Bartending Muse is The Bartending Muse, the other girl is a hot bartender. Or bartendress.

But what I am able to do is use the hot bartender to play a little hard to get with the BM.

Since I just saw Mission: Impossible III last night (it's ok), I'm going to relay this next little part of the story as if I'm the leader on an IMF team, going over our strategy and objectives.
Mission: Ketel & Cranberry

Ok, listen up!! Here's the deal. I'm going to go right through the crowd to the bar and order a Ketel and Cranberry from the target. I will then leave the center of the bar where the target works, and go to the other end of the bar, where it's less crowded, and where the other hot bartender is working. I will then drink my drink and gauge if the crowd is dissipating or not. If the crowd doesn't disperse I will explode the building across the street to distract the crowd. If I am still unable to engage the target, on my cue you will enter and kill all the patrons.

Team Member 1:
Are you crazy TAN?!!? There's NO WAY you're going to be able to penetrate that crowd and get to the target. The bar is protected by at least thirty five drunken early twenty-somethings. All strapped with pints of beer. No offense TAN, but now that you're in your late never-turning-thirties, drinking anything-and-cranberries ... I don't think you can handle that sort of pressure. We need something safer.

You may be right. But no one in that crowd is sporting any melanin. I have melanin. If I can get the voice inflector to give me a little more bass, and I play it just right, I don't know, ... I think I can get the crowd to part.

Team Member 2:
You're going to play the melanin card!!!! The melanin card is so risky. Do you know how RISKY the MELANIN card is??!!? You may get through, but you could also end up in jail for no reason. is it worth the risk??? is there another way???

There's no other way. If I don't make it back, tell my sister I love her. And give her the password to my blogger account, I have 500 more posts in the queue, she should be able to sell those on the streets and have no problem with making money or getting crazy girls to talk about me on their blogs.

Team Member 1:
is this story going to self-destruct?

: No, that happens when we first tell you about the mission and see if you want to join the team. There's no more self-destructing at this stage of the game.

Team Member 2
: Were there ever any black people on the Mission: Impossible series?

TAN: *very seriously* I don't know. I didn't really watch it. And I don't take notice of race as much as you think I might.

Team Member 2:
Really? hmmm ....

TAN: ok, I have to finish this post. I'm going in....
And go in I did. Kind of like the first night, there was a little friction to start. Just too busy in the bar. But she recognized me, and got my k&c. We exchanged a couple words while she served the drink. But the crowd began to close in on me, so I moved, as I planned with the IMF team, down to the other end of the bar, where there was an available seat, and the aforementioned hot bartender.

Luckily for the building across the street, and the patrons in the bar, the crowd naturally began to dissipate soon after I moved down. The BM came to my side of the bar and informed there was now available seating, closer to her zone.

This is great. She came to get me. UNTIL, she informs me I'm also sitting next to her "date for the night." Before moving I ask her if this is my primary competition. She tells me this is a friend of the guy she had mentioned before, and he's just hanging out. So the guy is sort of a negative, but the full disclosure rings a little positive. After all, she doesn't have to tell me the additional background information. Sometimes situations are a little more complicated. 4th and 1, at the 50, down 6 to the Patriots, three minutes to go, do you punt or go for it? Tough call either way, so you go with your gut and live with it.

So I sidled up at the bar next to the friend. I size him up and immediately let him know that I am there for The Bartending Muse. He immediately goes the stammering, self-effacing, "if there's any competition, you are winning it" route. This could be because he's a herb. It could also be because he's the friend and friends are conditioned to act herby around girls their friends are in relations with. Either way I exhale, and lower the terror alert. He's an affable non-threat. And it turns out he's a Giants fan, ... with season tickets. So I talk to him about the draft and the offseason, while stealing eye contact with the BM.

Eventually the bartender, the friend and I all sort of talk to each other over a couple rounds. Then I decide it's time for me to move on to the birthday party. I decide it might be a cunning tactic if I tell "the friend" about The Assimilated Negro, but in a way that the bartender also gets the information. So I mention it to him, and then as we're stitting right by a stack of napkins that the BM usually stands by him, I write the site down on the top napkin in big letters, thinking it would sit there and be a little advertising for the Bartending Muse ... and others.

What's he do? He waits a few seconds. Thanks me for the info, and tells me he's definitely going to check it out. Then grabs the napkin, reads it aloud again, and puts the napkin in his pocket. Of course, this all happens while the BM is serving some drinks.

Clever boy that friend, clever boy.

When the BM comes back, she asks me if I want another round, I say no, I'm taking off. But I point to the friend and tell her she should ask him about the site I told him about. I don't want to put her in a compromising position in front of the friend.

She says ok. I depart. I see the guy leaves to go to the bathroom - I'm quite certain to properly dispose of the napkin.

And I head off wondering if The Bartending Muse will ever discover The Assimilated Negro. And if The Assimilated Negro will ever "discover" her ... *cue deep sexist chuckle - heh heh heh* ...

Perhaps Day 4 holds the answer ...


  1. Hmmm...

    Why would you give the friend your site? What if he told her and it creeped her out?

    Then again, maybe she'd be flattered. She may have already Googled the hell out of you!

  2. I love the Mission Impossible spin in the middle TAN. I saw the movie too. hilarious. those meetings got a little formulaic

    looking forward to day 4 ...

  3. Anonymous5/10/2006

    the saga continues. good storytelling TAN. though i still don't have a good feel for if she likes you or not. Maybe day 4 will reveal the answer.

  4. Negro if this doesn’t end with you hitting/ I mean dating the BM. I will be PISSED! I think the friend will tell BM’s man and he’ll throw more salt in your game than a pork chop. Obviously what’s going to happen has already happened. But I love the “aggressive” tactics you’re using. So it’ll be fourth and one, I hope you give the ball to your full back and pound it straight up the middle.


  5. Anonymous5/11/2006

    Hate to break it to you but most women don't like to prolong things anymore than most men. sounds like it's gone as far as it's gonna get. you know how many other dudes have done and are doing what you're doing? they're called "Regulars." and at least she's seen this other guy outside of her workplace.

    don't know about the site mentioning either...aren't there some other things online you may not want her to see?

  6. I think it could still go either way. Can't say you're in there. Can't say you should pack it up.

    And of course either way it won't be the end of the world. But what if you get married. That would be awesome!

  7. Anonymous5/11/2006

    I don't like where this is going, and honestly, when someone starts telling me about their blog, my third eye rolls up into my head. You don't think he was being cleverer than you gave him credit for?
    You'll probably fuck her, but how can it turn into anything more? The amount of time you've put into just writing about this is creepy. When she finds it she might be flattered long enough to sleep with you, but that morning light... Of course, if smashing is all you want, it could work.
    Additionally: you're the only one with melanin in there? Automatic 10 points. And as another brown who hangs mostly with melanin-challenged, I admire your recognition of this card. UNO! Wild Card-Draw Four!

  8. Will she read it? Won't she? I can hardly wait! This is better than reality television (not much of a compliment, I know).

  9. I love this story, and I hope everything ends well, but, the BM thing...too, uhhhh, bodily function.

  10. also, as a chick, I would advise that you just ask her out. Bold men get the date.

  11. Anonymous5/11/2006

    I think you're playing it fine TAN. and it could go either way. obviously who knows what will happen when you deal with anyone. that's the whole point. and i think she should see the blog. this current story about her is a tiny percentage of the content, and since you've been doing this, she might as well see. it'sl ike the vagina test. if she can't take it, then at least you know.

    waiting to see the next installment

  12. Stop standing on the sidelines TAN and get in the game. She's running interference. That remark about her date for the night could have been met with "damn, that's too bad, because I was about to get your number."

    I am also a fan of the direct route. Let her know she's cute. She'll be flattered. If she has a man, she'll say so, and you can move on to greener pastures. I mean, this other barmaid is already on the scene, and you're still standing on square one. Pop your collar, rock the charisma.

    Don't let her tie you up TAN, until she's seen you naked.

  13. TAN, I am sorry we didn't get to have this conversation face to face, but dating a bartender is one of the worst ideas in history. Worse than dating a stripper. No really, it is. LIke Jeter and Miss Universe, I implore you, don't go down that road.

    And when you find this out on your own because you gaffed off my advice, I will have nosympathy for you.

  14. The explosives/tech guy for the original "Mission: Impossible" tv series had melanin.
    And about your social scene? Icksnay on calling her BM, and make your move now.

  15. Women enjoy having a treat dangled before least all the ones I know. It builds a subtle awareness which can quickly lead to yearning if played right. I think this one's practically in the bag.

  16. I want more time.6/16/2006

    I loved this story, you really have a great way of telling a story, but it's only a story. I guess you being a guy, could only put an impossible life long milestone like getting a bartender to go out with you, on top 100 things to do list. Although, I know the truth about the bartender myths. I am not a bartender, but I am dating a bartender, and it's not all fun and games. The flirting fades once you begin to know the person more, because it becomes a regular relations. The ever lasting nights become to be repetitive and at times lonely. Once you become a part of the night life, you my friend become the muse. YOU have become her regular, her common, her blind spot. You may now have the relationship with her, if you even go on some dates and hook up. You too have a great time together, and fall in love (this is hypethetically speaking from experience), NOW everything is great outside of the bar, but when you go to the bar it's not the same anymore. It's now boring. How did that happen. And now you have other men hitting on your Muse, just like she's their muse. And you realize, SHE IS THEIR MUSE. You have to share her. Night after night you visit her at the bar, until you yourself are annoyed by being there because it's a singles seen. And your thinking, "I'm with someone, why am I here." You both move in together and you begin the clockwork game. Your the 9 to 5'er and she's the 9 to 5 Nighter. You will go to bed alone four nights out of the week, (depending on if she's a industry lifer and working that many shifts.) And every once in a while you go out to the club and sit at the end of the bar "waiting." You sit and wait for her to stop flirting with the other regulars, you wait for last call, and you wait for her to turn the lights on, cash out her register, count money for the barbacks, clean the bottles and glasses and bartops, marry the liquor and hang out with the other bartenders at 3:30 int he morning after she gets done cleaing. Remember: she hasn't partied yet tonight or seen her friends and this is her time now. Oh, and the sleeping until 3 in the afternoon will drive any 9 to 5'er crazy! You thought you were a sleeper, but you don't know that lifestyle, and you won't begin to if you burst the bubble that you have built around her.

    *So I suggest if your not ready for all of that work, then stay on the other side of the bar and keep it as that.

  17. Anonymous6/03/2007

    Ving Rhames.

  18. Anonymous3/10/2010

    go on, hit this bartending girl!


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