Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Year In TAN: September (Because Sex Sells Edition)

So only a month late, and many mountains of dollars short, I am kinda sorta celebrating my first TANNIVERSARY (leave out the extra N for "negro").

*applause break*

And since this TAN thing has kinda sorta become like any relationship between two sexual people, I will review my first year in the 'sphere from that perspective. With me, TAN, as the man, and TAN, the blog, as the woman/muse. Any questions?

(It may be a little tricky as I move seamfully in-and-out of the woman/relationship/sex metaphor, but please bear with me...)

September: TAN meets ... TAN

I first spied shorty in early September. I was just out of a rocky long-term relationship, and she was my kind of girl; a black, blank canvas with white affectation writing. Mmmm yeah, I just knew I could fill up her sidebar with all of ... me. As is the norm when I start something new, I was confident, but apprehensive. Started off with a couple pictures (gotta let her know what I look like right? Duh.). Then, jokester that I am, I made my first real advance in the form of a commercial. Commercial was hot-like-fire yo. I got plugs from celebrities like George Bush and Zeus; and since I was just learning Blogger, and had no air of blog pretense or etiquette, I used all sorts of different colors and fonts and stuff. Good times, good times. At the end of my game-spitting commercial, I even dropped the "au revoir" to cap it off (the foreign language soundbytes are key son), so she'd know I'm not one of those to-be-avoided hoodrat-negroes that only get to have sex with sewer rats uptown. Nah, I speak French. Croissant? Oui. I don't know if any of this got her attention (par for the course when I "kick game"), but at least it made me laugh.

After the jokey promo, in typical first date fashion, I told her my plan was to simply talk ad nauseam about sports, philosophy, my creative/commercial endeavors, platypus mating habits etc. etc. And in typical first date fashion, she said nothing, but still I was not discouraged ...

Now when first meeting a lady who catches my fancy, I always get the "I was born in a cab" story out early, just so they know that me being a tad f'ed in the head is a product of both nurture AND nature (can't we just settle on everyone being a product of nauture?). With the key to my emotional vulnerability out of the way, it was time for a little small talk. Random bits and pieces. It's easy to gloss over such trivial innocuous conversation, but it's in this normal everyday grind/convo that people/shorties get to know you.

The thing is, this girl had me antsy, and I didn't know if one "style" would sustain her attention, so it wasn't too long before I got into some slightly more thoughtful ranting about the movie Crash, and Lil Kim bashing, and the demise of The Source. But it's so hard to stay in that pretentious "serious" zone, and I saw shorty checking out my khaki pants and seersucker blazer, wondering what "my deal" was. So I invited her uptown to explain how and why a negro might opt for the Assimilated Negro Program. Looking back on it now, I must have been quite loud, drunk, and/or obnoxious. Apparently some people overheard me and my "points" and took offense, and they let me know about it in the comment box I carry around with me wherever I go (note: comment boxes are the new fanny packs).

Whatever, "f the haters" is what my great-great-great-great grandfather, who was a blog-slave, used to tell me. I was trying to bag shorty not them anyways. I can't help it if they can't take a joke. Plus, I think shorty was feeling me a little more after I let loose like that. She was snorting her ass off when I said, "And think how refreshing it will be to not have to wear those Antarctica Edition Timberland Platinum Alloy Boots on a sweltering 97-degree summer day. Upon official assimilation, you will receive a complimentary pair of Reef flip-flops for you to enjoy the summer months. Your toes will thank us." Word. That was hot.

After that it was a little more small talk. We played the breast game that every guy and girl plays, and talked about the inspirational slacker CEO of Kinko's. Eventually I let her know that I also emcee. And in true TAN can't-sit-in-one-place fashion, I did a couple songs for fun, and one that was more earnest in its "message." How else but earnest, can one act when relaying the doctrine of The Eternal Now in hip hop form?

After the emcee expose, we had a little fun with Kate Moss and Derek Jeter. And I had to correct her because she kept saying she liked my "melanoma." I told her about this party for Native NYers, and my unadulterated respect for PT Anderson's bio. She took me to some Carnival of Satire, where they enjoyed my thoughts on converting to Assimilated Negrodom.

And by this point, it's near the end of the month, and she's really got me going. I'm holla'in at her two-three times a day. Explaining to her why we're both geniuses (or at least I am), why it's silly that people are ganging up on Bill Bennett, and of course some history on trends I've started.

Meanwhile, by this time she's already starting to call her friends and telling them that there was a new man, err TAN, in her life. And he was funny, thoughtful, whimsical, hip-hopsical, and basically everything you could want in a shady negro that hides behind a computer persona.

Soooo by the end of the month, I knew I had something cooking here, and there was really only one conclusion that could be drawn.

And this revelation propelled me into a steamy October ...
(no we will not be going month-by-month with this level of preposterous detail)

metaphorical or otherwise related song: September
total # of posts: 34 (did I link them all? My fingers sure feel like it. jesus christo, someone chop off my fingers!!!)
most commented: Negro ----> Assimilated Negro
primary TAN peeps/commenters/love-distributors/earliest adopters: Cee Kaye, blackcatalfa (where's my fairy godblogger?), unsane, copyranter, mellanman, maine, tubbs, rach-a-el

The year in TAN continues: October/November (Hot & Heavy Edition)


  1. tan's blog10/12/2006

    great recap TAN, looking forward to the next install

  2. Anonymous10/12/2006

    i love the earth wind and fire song "september", good methaporical or otherwise song for this post

  3. I don't remember posing for that picture TAN

  4. Hey! What about me?

  5. I want a bigger copy of that pic. It's so sexy. And so clean.

  6. orange - i was surprised you weren't in the september mix, but that appears to be the case. you're sure to be in oct/nov. of course.

    howlin' - i want a bigger pic also ... and a dramatic reenactment ... every morning.


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