Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Confessions of A Girly-Drink Drinker

I like girly drinks.

I can’t lie. I like my drinks to have a little flavor.

No, not like barley and hops.

Like cherries and lemon-lime. Mmmm cherries.

Yummy.

Barley. Ewww.

Not so yummy.

If "yummy" was spelled "yummuy" it would be a palindrome. A yummuy palindrome.

I don’t understand beer. What is it? Why is it so abundant? There can't be a beer drinker who has completely ruled out the possibility that it's just dirt and piss in a bottle. Has anyone noticed that shittier = tastier in beer land? It’s just this crazy universe.

I'll take cranberry and … whatever. Preferrably vodka.

Smirnoff Ice? Excellent.

Mike’s Hard? Delicious!

Wine? Sounds good ...

I drink it up. Let’s get drunk.

But scotch on the rocks? Whiskey neat?

Yikes! That’s more of a challenge than a recreation. I'm trying to relax here, no need to be Mr. Tough-Guy. If we're doing that I'd rather just punch someone in the face. That's how I feel after I drink a Tough-Guy Drink; I scrunch up my face, and puff out my cheeks and I'm all, "Arrgggh!!! Why did I drink that?!!? NOW I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FACE!!!" And if I've had enough Tough-Guy Drinks I'll do it.

I never feel like that when I drink a girly-drink. I feel happy. There's still some edge to it, but it's fun, it's non-threatening. I feel like I'm in a pillow fight with girls and rainbows, and things might turn sexy any moment now. I don't have a problem with this. I also like football and carnage.

Just not in my drink.

37 comments:

  1. mermaidintherudder1/16/2007

    cranberry + malibu coco rum
    = Kool Aid

    ReplyDelete
  2. TAN,

    Are you my long lost twin brother? I swear. I love girly drinks, I love football, I feel the need to punch someone in the face daily. That is actually one of my catch phrases. "Don't make me have to punch you in the face." Life is good. Here is a nice tip.

    Smirnoff watermelon cooler with a jolly rancher of the same or different flavor dropped into the drink. Delicious. But be careful because the bubbles will bubble over.

    Also Peach Schnapps with frozen fruit and a blender. Forget Jamba Juice or Juice Stop or whatever you have in your city, this is the isht.

    Peace up D-town drowned (in snow),

    Ms. Denva

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  3. I used to date a girly drinker. Every time we went out, the server would assume that my drink was for him and I would end up with some pineapple frothy beverage with an umbrella. The guy never corrected the server, but would wait until the coast was clear to switch our drinks. I let him keep this up for a little while, but in the end I just got irritated. I wanted him to claim his girly drink.

    This was very brave of you to post this here. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. Anonymous1/16/2007

    beer is very enjoyable for me.

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  5. haha TAN, well at least you seem assured in your masculinity. You need a picture with that Almay mask and you holding an umbrella drink.

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  6. I love that you're a proud girlie man. I can only stomach girlie drinks and I am way too in touch with my masculinity. There's irony in there somewhere.

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  7. mermaid - haven't tried that, not a huge rum person, but it will do, and it sounds scrumptious.

    Ms. Denva - but girl punching people in the face, especially if they're also sipping a girly-drink, is eminently cute. I don't think it's the same for guys. I'm not big into watermelon flavoring, or watermelon for that matter.

    mist - I always man up, sometimes I raise my voice to a falsetto when ordering.

    anon - you're not alone ...

    choatey - might be a decent look ....

    fairmaiden - hmmm, as long as we don't do a complete gender role reversal, we should be all good.

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  8. I love me some India Pale Ale. Straight sour mash bourbon just shickles the tit outta me.

    But a glass of wine every now and then doesn't hurt my feelings and a Mike's Hard Lemonade goes down good on a hot summer day.

    The most exciting I get in the mixed drink dept. is usually just a whiskey sour though.

    However... there's this place on the east side of Lake Washington that makes a peach bellini. It's like a peach flavored slushie and it really tastes like a peach. Hell, it even looks like a big peach in the glass. It also has a half-dozen different kinds of hooch in it to get that flavor and it'll kick your butt in a most sincere fashion.

    Don't know why people get all over macho and sneer at "girlie" drinks.

    HH

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  9. I want to be in touch with the maiden's masculinity.

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  10. Anonymous1/16/2007

    what flavor of Mike's do you like?

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  11. Anon, let's see...there's your original Mike's Hard Lemonade spiked with a shot of Jack Daniel's. Then there's the very yummuy Mike's Hard Crisp Apple. Mikearitas, I drink by the quart poured over a big ol' bucket of ice. Ahhhhhhh...

    But you probably weren't asking me. I'll let TAN have his comments back now. Time for a refill anyway.

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  12. I used to drink scotch on the rocks. Mmmm. I did have a very masculine boyfriend though who only drank either shandies or malibu and pineapple.

    Fun word verification: dshady

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  13. TAN you're ruining your black man cred by stating that you dislike watermelon. Aren't we all supposed to be walking stereotypes, you'll just confuse the white man if you're a walking contradiction :)

    How do you feel about mangos? I think that mangos are the non-american colored man's watermelon. Everyone in a country of non-European descent eats them - Africans (from Africa), Indians (they're indigenous to south east asia), Filipinos, people from the Caribbean, Latinos. They're nutritious and delicious and they're filled with fiber so they keep you regular too.

    On the alcohol tip, I hate beer too, but have you had Lambic? It's technically beer, but they take out the hops, and add fruit and sugar. It's like drinking a lollipop. My favorites are Cherry and Raspberry - but you can pretend to be cultured and hard b/c it's technically beer, Belgian beer. It's also more alcoholic (i think) then a Smirnoff.

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  14. I can roll both ways.

    Fuzzy navel? Yum!

    Maker's Mark on the rocks? Yo, make it a double!

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  15. HH - I think I'm down with anything called hooch, hooch always leads to hoochies

    mist - have you tried e-mailing?

    anon - cranberry lemonade

    Fringes - I didn't know you were a Mike's Hardaholic, that explains a lot ... and feel free to take over comments whenever.

    sober - your boyfriend was the ish

    mad money - damn you got the goods son! I do like mango, much more than watermelon. I haven't had Lambic, but your descriptions waters my mouth, i'll be looking for it. good work.

    undercover - huh. maybe that's related to you being undercover and stuff, you need more versatility.

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  16. to transition to scotch/whiskey start with an old fashioned or maybe a manhattan, this will get your palate understanding the complexities presented. then one day pony up to the bar and get yourself a nice single malt on the rocks.

    (i love the cultural irony of me helping straight guys become more masculine)

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  17. I love all kinds of booze; tough guy stuff, girly stuff, wherever the mood takes me.

    My mostest-favoritist-ever-booze being full bodied red vino - I COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT IT!

    My name is Twit, I am an alcoholic.

    ;¬|

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  18. Anonymous1/16/2007

    This blog and all the comments are making me thirsty. It's also making me want to watch The Kids In The Hall "Girl-Drink Drunk" sketch over and over and over again.
    Find it, watch it, love it. It goes quite nicely with a Pina Colada.

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  19. I agree; beer is mostly gross (except for Red Stripe and Miller Lite, but even then, it's still beer. Give me a cosmo any day!!

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  20. Anonymous1/16/2007

    football, carnage and paper umbrellas....
    hmmm....i think we on to sumthin.
    cranberry juice with any booze works wonders.
    not necessarilly 'girly' pers se ... but if it gets dat buzz on...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Tracer Bullet1/16/2007

    Aren't you at all concerned that all that Smirnoff Ice will give you infections in your vagina?

    I'm not above the occasional fruity rum drink while in Caribbean climes, but good grief, man. Don't realize these things are a gateway drug? One day you're drinking Purple Hooters at a TGIFriday's with a bunch of secretaries and the next thing you know you're on your knees in a reststop bathroom on the New Jersey Turnpike.

    ReplyDelete
  22. rod - thanks for the segue suggestions. Are you implying something about your sexuality?

    twit - hi twit. i think i might be on a permanent red vino kick also.

    anon - thanks, funny sketch.

    rat blood - homo who? also, nice name ...

    anon2 - cranberry makes everything ok ...

    michelle - red stripe does get love for the whole Jamaica angle.

    tracer - my vijay is already infected beyond repair. And how did you know about me going to the Secretary's Ball this friday? I'm just now putting it in my datebook.

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  23. A peach bellini is simply Champagne (or another bubbly white like Prosecco) and peach nectar. No extra hooch involved.

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  24. Grey Goose + cranberry juice = elixer of the gods

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  25. TAN,

    Well, you know. I am cute and a bit tomboy but definitely all woman. That is not being conceited, just being honest. If you don't believe me, my pick is on my blog.

    Fair enough on the watermelon. Really any Smirnoff flavor with a jolly rancher in it is delicious. The Apple on Apple is sweet and tart magnificent. I am also a big fan of amaretto sours, if their made well. I learned that Smirnoff Ice (orginal) mixed with pineapple rum is a fantastic combination, just don't mix that with champagne then it is all bad. Alllll baad. :( Oh the memories

    Ms.Denva

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  26. LOL! Very true. I'm a girl so thankfully I'm allowed to drink girly drinks although to be honest finding a bar that can make a decent cocktail is scarce up here in Scotland where everyone, male and female, exists on beer.

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  27. One day we girly drink lovers will rise up and own the bars.

    Smirnoff Ice on tap? No problem!

    We will no longer be afraid to clear our throats and proudly ask "shouldn't there be a little umbrella in this drink?"

    ReplyDelete
  28. Anonymous1/17/2007

    Rod is right on the money with starting out on manhattans and old fashioneds to get into the hard stuff. As for beer, try a negro modello. It's a super smooth mexican beer. It's as easy to drink as soda.

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  29. Hello? remems that one night with the guy with Napoleonic complex...you sure wanted to punch his way-down-there face after your vagina drinks.

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  30. meredith - I think I'd be amused if someone just happened to have peach nectar laying around the house.

    star - i second that motion

    denva - I like how it seems like you sit around with a table full of assorted candies and candied drinks and then play Mad Scientist with the various combinations.

    darwin - girls get to drink anything they want, one of the percs

    jason - i don't ask for umbrellas, i don't care about the interior decor of my glass much, but if we as a party had to adopt such a position for solidarity purposes, i wouldn't have a problem with that.

    anon - I've tried negros (ha!), didn't provide much relief for me. Coronas have been the best bet thus far.

    CR - I've told you before, I did not want to punch him in the face. I'm all about kicking in the throat now.

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  31. TAN: Time to get out of the house! It looks like you're hovering over the PC, watching the comments pop up. Thanks for the feedback, but enough already!

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  32. Everybody likes Corona.

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  33. Those who drink girl-drinks, like girls, are not to be trusted.

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  34. TAN,

    Again you are on the money my Negro brethren. When I was in college I was known for my intoxicating tinctures, that would taste delicious and fruity, followed by you running into walls after announcing that you would do so. I am the mad scientist of girly drinks. I have a new one brewing, you want some? By the way Coronas with lime, yummy. Now seeing as I am from Coors town that is considered blasphamous, but screw Coors. I went to school with Peter the third and he was an a(*$R()e, thus I am not worried about the possible mafia/klanesque reprecussions of that last statment.

    Bubbling, toiling and troubling,

    Ms. Denva

    a.k.a

    Dr. Denva, HaHaHa

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  35. Beer is an acquired taste; once you acquire poverty, you start to believe that a $3 beer actually tastes better than a $14 cocktail. ;)

    By the way, I have a (guy) friend who LOVES "Apple Martinis".

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  36. tristan - I'm homeless, i'm always out of the house.

    carl - word

    man's world - you can't trust them sober, but you can trust them when they're drunk.

    Dr. D - I knew it ...

    FBC - nice line. appletinis, yummuy.

    ReplyDelete

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