As delivered to Channel O:
So if you didn't get your wig properly pushed back last week, then you probably didn't read this Details piece on Interracial Orgies (the evite would actually say: "Mandingo Parties.").
Apparently this guy "Art Hammer" started a "Florida Mandingo Group" four years ago, where white couples and black sex addicts pay to have a party where negro studs re-enact the archetypal scene from any black-on-white porno movie; white housewives get the business while their husbands watch.
Now, explicit old school racism aside, the whole thing smells like Jim Crow's nutsack because of two main issues:
1) The wives are not necessarily hot, or even globally warm. The article paints a flaccid-inducing picture with descriptions like, "These women resemble Kathy Bates more than they do Kathy Ireland," and "a pudding of cellulite."
2) These guys supposedly have no less than 8 inches, well-tended bodies, and ivy league educations, yet are paying to whore themselves out at these parties. Do they not teach supply-and-demand economics at Harvard or Yale? Lesson 1: Hot & Smart doesn't pay to have sex with Fat & Racist. What is going on here?
Do the phone-sex hotline commercials in Florida show chunky women eating deviled eggs purring in their whiny housewife voices, "get your chiseled jigaboo ass down here so you can pay $75 to find my vagina underneath folds of flesh." Yes, I'm sure the Tyson Beckford/Cornel West hybrid doing crunches while reading Dostoyevsky (again) is saying, "Well, she did call me a jigaboo. Count me in!"
Of course we're told the connections these IVY-LEAGUE EDUCATED negroes receive make it all worth it (Lesson 2: one attends an ivy league school for the connections!), and so we're compelled to consider scenarios where "judges, CEOs, and FBI agents" may give an ivy-league educated negro a job if his penis is over 8 inches long and inserted in his wife's ass. For example:
How'd you get your job Leroy?
oh, you wouldn't believe it dude! I "mutted" out this judge's wife. And well, you know these judges, they have lunch with FBI guys and CEOs all the time, so bim bam bap, boom boom boom, one Jew calls another, and next thing you know here I am, online features editor at
Wow, that's pretty cool. Congratulations. I'm going to report you now.
So anyridiculous, I'm not trying to suggest the facts of this article are bullsh*t, I'm just saying they are certainly ENTERTAINING!
What if? Isn't it all "Get Assimilated Or Die Tryin'" these days? And sex is such a ubiquitous means of empowerment, who am I to quibble over the Details? Even the basest, most despicable brand of hip hop is justifiable if it keeps a young would-be ipod snatcher off the street, right? So who am I to judge how these mandingos make, err, lose their money?
Whether the facts hold up or not, the spirit of the article seems to pose a query to black people: Is it time to erase the lines? Do standards of decency and self-integrity matter any more? Maybe the BET version of Jackass is Mandingo Mansion. And you don't have to buy it, but surely some people will.
Soooo ... can I pay to be used as a Mandingo and still call myself a Man in the morning?
Or are we not ready for that yet?
Previously: Can We Still Guilt White Folks On Slavery?