Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Thin Tao of Deli Meat Slices

Here's something I didn't realize until a few days ago: There's a morality to the thickness of deli slices! By morality I mean a right and a wrong. A Good and an Evil. The guy behind the counter is like a Boars Head archangel or something (whatever the kids call 'em these days...).

Good, which is to say godly, are razor-thin confetti-fluffy light slices of honey roasted maple turkey (or crack pepper, or ham, or whatever ...). Essentially you're shooting for how it looks on the posters and commercials. Maybe a millimeter thick at most(?) Really they should look like meat versions of those breath-strips that melt on your tongue. (Boars Head should get into that market. Sounds weird at first but I could see that growing into a popular item. little shot of pastrami for the tongue? )

I'm aware that some deli people like to ask their clientele "how thin would you like it?", but that's all a formality. Basically everyone wants their slice as thin as possible without getting to the point where it falls apart.

Evil, then, is represented by thick dunderheaded hamhock slices. Excuse me, kind slicer, but if i wanted a turkey burger i'd ask for that, thank you. Thick slices don't melt in your mouth, they sit on your tongue like cancerous meat pancakes...

anyways, so yeah, i got some thick turkey slices the other day and i was not happy about it. most definitely judging my deli dude. But he was new to the grocery, or at least I'd never seen him before, and so after the initial tension i started to think it might be a cool coaching/teaching opportunity. It couldn't hurt to nurture your own deli slicer from the womb to the tomb, amirite?

But not sure how to go about it. I mean, the platonic ideal for deli slices is obvious, as i've stated. So if one had to frequently remind someone, maybe they should get a different job. Like packaging chicken breasts, where thicker cuts are more appropriate and generous to the consumer. That might be a more natural fit....

anyways. i didn't want to get so pretentious about it. just wanted to make sure there was a page on the internet where children could find out what is good and what's just not cool/evil with deli slices. this should at least get you on the right track, little one...... k, cheers, off to eat a sandwich!

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