Thursday, November 03, 2011

Heavy Soul: The Kim Kardashian Benediction

For the (former) bride, let us bow our heads in prayer:

"just my color, just my kind"

This is no op-ed, father. We know your RSS feeds only pumps news directly to our hearts.

We ask you, oh heavenly host, to lead us through these shadows. Guide us around the perimeter of our heavy, curvy soul.

We ask you, our timeless guide, to teleport us through Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Kim Kardashian, where we text our friend Kim Kardashian, talmbout: Yo, Kim Kardashian just Kim Kardashianed! Can you Kim Kardashian this shit? That’s incredibly Kim Kardashian of her. I’m about to go Kim Kardashian on everyone. Straight out of Kim Kardashian. ZOMKK!!!

And we ask you, our divine spirit, how many Trending Topics must rise to heaven’s door before we acknowledge your provenance? How many emails, posts, and tweets must flood the cubicles of our mind before we surf the wave, comfortable knowing She is no Inception. She is a blessing. She is no less a gift than Freese in the 11th. A human story no less impassioned than the legend of Michael Vick in a dog fight with Cam Newton’s potential.

 I beg of you father to lend me the strength.

 For I must confess to you, my generous giver of life that, Nay, do I watch her show, nor its variations. And nor have I seen her sex tape. Neither, my all-knowing consiglieri, have I speculated on her future betrothed, her cup of canoodlin' prospects. And nada en particular, my bilingual majesty, am I among her 10 million followers on Twitter.

Oh heavenly B-Boy above, as you know, I just clean up the bottom of the Grantland homepage and spread your hip-hop gospel as best I can. So I ask you, oh savior, for the fortitude to convey the Rapture you intend when ordaining the Jennifer Lopez of Paris Hiltons to file for divorce. Indeed, shine your light on this blog minister so that I may overstand how Kim Kardashian, your Helen of Troy of Halloween photos, encroaches on a space better used for facilitating civil revolutions in Egypt and on Wall Street.


The Kardashian Benediction [Grantland]

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