Thursday, November 03, 2011

When the Lights Go Out: In Search of Kris Humphries

The clip above is supposed to be sexy. And it sort of delivers sexy in the way a good looking girl in scanty clothes invariably fires up a lil something. This is Kim Kardashian sexy (in all due respect). Not as sexy as it wants to be (lacking the earthy/maternal panache of lykke/badu; though I suspect this last media cycle will leave KK sexier for the experience). In the clip I don’t know if the timing is just off by a second or two, or if it’s an accumulation of small choices, but it’s more oddly amusing than sexy.

still. killer song. one with no official video. the song I was looking for. When the lights go out. "you know what the sun's all about when the lights go out". unh. dan and pat will tell ya 'bout that.

but kris. that's all a little cryptic. and I just want to— can I put my arm around your shoulder? can I put my arm up and around your shoulder? heh. I just want to support.

now up top full disclosure I want to say: I wrote a letter to your (pending) ex earlier. Pardon me if that’s a little bros before heeeyyy of me. Just having some fun with it at the j-o, y'know. but say the word, and I'm totally not tagging anything with her name again. I got you, fam.

for now I brought some beers and thought I’d throw some bricks at the backboard to help you chillax a little bit. kidding. don't like beer. (brought that grey goose, son. holla)

When bros counsel bros, it always helps to be brief. So that’s what I’ll do.

1.) Kris, remember: It's not your fault.

2.) Kris, look at me:

I’m sorry, I know it hurts.

But the third.) thing to remember is that every championship team, NBA, fantasy, european league or otherwise needs a smash-mouth power forward. That double-double window-scraping machine. Let being someone else's bauble (and that someone else being Kim Kardashian) drive you to being sleeper fantasy draft pick of the year in 2013. [need a capper here, RAAHHHR]

Quatro: As you know, the honorable Elijah Kim Kardashian is a straight-up blue chip stock in terms of cultural currency. (She straight-up put the burner to the dome on #occupywallstreet, like get up on out of here scallywags, I got this gossip shit poppin'!) But yo, if she’s been playing smart investor with penny stocks, guess who is no longer to be slept on? You, KH (just a hard "k" sound). That means you need to start short-selling yourself ASAP. Or, I mean, stop selling yourself short. In other words: Take advantage! Write that memoir, play with Stephen on Colbert Report, drop a freestyle on BET. The world is yours for the taking (time is limited! Act now!), for the Former-Future Mr. Kim Kardashian.

5. Finally, know that the world is shallow (Our burden, not yours). And If someone hit me up on facebook right now, and was like, “Hey dude. Could use a drink. Just feeling very down and woe is me, cause my girl, Kim(she's on tv all the time), just broke up with me. Oy, you know how that goes.  Also, I play for the Brooklyn Nets. Wanna link up?” I’d be like no need to poke twice, homey!

Anyways. These are the jokes, Kris. Sorry. Keep your head up, don’t let it get you down. It's always colder in Minnesota. And as my grandmother used to say: It’ll get better before you get married.

good luck,



  1. Anonymous11/04/2011

    With your Badu post, you should have played "That Hump".

  2. I wonder if KK listens to Lykke Li. Doesn't seem her style. "I'm Good, I'm Gone" seems appropriate.

  3. Everyone listens to Lykke (and Badu). Fall In Love, for sure, and a lot of the Badu canon works. maybe "I Follow Rivers" from lykke. (ha)

  4. Anonymous11/05/2011

    Kris Humphries probably raps like Drake.

  5. Anonymous11/05/2011

    Before she married my father, my mother was married to someone for about 72 days. I think their split was mutual - but still... Someone should actually forward this to Kris Humphries. It might make him feel better.

  6. it's possible that kris humphries and kk are the least interesting famous people ever. they don't even deserve an ironic post. ick.

    as for that clip... better timing wouldn't make it any sexier. come on, TAN. seriously? it's just a girl gyrating. it's as boring as kk. is that your point?


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