Vogue Offers LeBron A Banana?

On Fanhouse I wonder how someone could see racism in the recent Vogue cover featuring LeBron and Gisele?


It's one thing to have some racialized (or whathaveyou) thoughts come to mind, I'm down with that, but it's a stretch to call foul on this cover. On Vogue, but especially on LeBron. You gotta let a brother live. Getting to manhandle Gisele on the cover of Vogue is pretty much a no-brainer for any man, from 8-80, no matter the potential image crisis.

All I'm saying is if that cover is a problem, we definitely have to go back and do something about this one:

Like going back and putting me in the dress and heels.

I Don't Think Vogue Is Saying Someone Should Give LeBron A Banana [Fanhouse]

Come For Tennessee on Broadway, Stay For James on Viagra

Remember when Basic Instinct came out, and it was a pretty good movie but all anyone talked about was Sharon Stone's interrogation scene? Well, the same thing's about to happen to Broadway's upcoming revival of Tennessee Williams's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. On March 7, every reviewer in town is going to lead with the tour de force of tumescence that is James Earl Jones. Yeah, that's right. Say it again in a deep, harrowing voice so it resonates and scares all the children away. JAMES EARL JONES.
continued ...

James Earl Jones still has sex [Vulture]

Prince Paul Always Keeps It Real

I love Prince Paul, and it's too bad I don't think I'll be able to get to this.

Reggie Regg: Born To Denzel

Reggie Regg nails the 'Zel impression here. Morgan Freeman is a little off, might need a little more bass or something. But Mr. Washington in Training Day is air-tight:

Matt Damon Is A Pimp

Sarah Silverman recently debuted a hot and hilarious video, "I'm F*cking Matt Damon," on the Jimmy Kimmel Show (JK's her boyfriend if you didn't know. I could see some black people not knowing that.). Jimmy also has a running "Our apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time" gag. So that explains the little end bit (after the hip hop breakdown!). Anyways, it's pretty funny, and Matt nails (ha) his parts:



But it just reminds me that Good-in-bed Will Hunting is a muh'fuhkin' pimp because one of my favorite movies, Eurotrip, has one of my favorite songs, Scotty Doesn't Know, with a similar theme. Matt's wife will soon have enough songs to make her own mixtape:

50 and Paris Sitting In A Tree ... GET THE F*CK OUT MY TREE, B*TCH!!

Page Six provides an hilarious exchange stemming from 50 Cent's performance at a pre-Super Bowl party hosted by Paris Hilton. And as much as it saddens me that my model TAN couple are going through some apparent growing pains, I really wish I could have seen this:

When the princess decided to get onstage and dance, the hip-hopper quickly instructed her to "Get the f**k off the stage." She started to cry and tried to plead with the party's production staff to let her dance, whining, "But it's my party!"

Hahaha. Aww. I really hope they worked it out later that night.

50 Cent Makes Paris Cry [Page Six]

From Norm! ... to Jimmy

Great find by Bill Simmons here, a medley of Norm from Cheers clips.


So via contractual obligation I was compelled to think of the black analogue for "Norm," and I thought maybe JJ from Good Times, a clip of him doing Dy-No-Mite! in all different episodes/scenarios would be appropriate. I couldn't find that, but I discovered this CLASSICALLY HORRIBLE interview between Jimmy Walker and David Letterman :



Wow. I found that to be fairly amazing (young Dave looks very Jimmy Kimmel-ish in that clip). It starts getting good around 2:13 where JJ thanks the crowd for no reason, and you see Dave deciding whether he's going to comment on it. He does, and then it's great from there with another highlight coming at the 3:00 mark, when JJ drops a "regular years-to-drug years" joke about Keith Richards. Another good spot comes at 3:50 when JJ starts the worst perfume joke ever.

This is bad enough that you'd want to give him a pass, just an off night, but here's a recent appearance and he's doing the same schtick:



So now I think I'm obsessed with Jimmy Walker.

To leave on a happier note, here's a Good Times episode with spanish subtitles. Dy-no-mite!



here's Part 2. Great episode dealing with porn and sexism! This makes me want the DVD box set.

Her Name Is Paris, Mrs. Jackson If You're Nasty

So I saw this picture on Stereohyped, and it hasn't left my mind since. What a great photo:

1. I don't think they look bad together. Like sometimes an interracial couple looks a little forced and affirmative-actioney. Like the cornfields of Nebraska girl holding hands with a harlem hood type ... that's questionable. But these two, not so bad. Young, sophisticated, urban ... we can work with this.

2. I love the name Paris Jackson. That's hot. I might name my child that regardless. Curtis Hilton's not so bad either.

3. Professional synergy. They're both incredibly good at what they do: culture exploitation. Seeing them together makes one realize how much like 50 Paris is, even though she's not an "artist." Of course neither is 50, by his own admission. In any event I don't think either of them is stupid, and they could potentially make a tremendous entertainment/marketing company/brand.

4. OOOMG, look how cute they are! Look how happy he makes her. Look how intent and focused he is. They're adooorable. Awwww. It's like lolcats or something. I could stare at these two forever. And I could totals see her making breakfast for the family, and kissing before he goes off to work etc. (once they get al ittle older, obvs.)

5. They'd probably make/leak a pretty good sex tape. I'm not really into them myself (seriously!), but I hear a lot of people like those.

6. Their children would be .... interesting to see how they turn out.

Anydream ... these pics are a little old I think, but I'm really rooting for this to happen. And I might make that photo above my header or something. There's nothing more TAN than that ...


Oh, the news here was 50 is interviewing Paris at Sundance or something [Page Six]

The Involuntary Genius of Tracy Morgan

Tracy Morgan, comedian and celebrity crazy-person, negro edition, nails this pitch-perfect send-up of Jackass.



via: them NK dudes

It's becoming clear that I love a little dysfunction with my artists. I might need to create some sort of Hall of Fame for Dysfunctional Genius-Negroes. R Kelly is an inaugural member. Ol' Dirty Bastard is in there. Some others. Tracy Morgan is working on his stats, but he has a good chance. Even if it's an inadvertent stumbling into a performance, his guest spot here is genius. And I attribute it to Tracy in full. You can not watch this video too many times. Its capacity to entertain is infinite.

"LOVE. It's all love ..."

Tears Are The Most Powerful Tool In Public Relations

Certainly for sports, where there's "no crying in [insert tough sport here]." Remember when Terrell Owens was a selfish asshole? Well no more after this blubbery performance:



I'm a big fan of this; I'm a cry-baby myself, and think we need more of it in the new millennium. With this breakdown TO may have just cried himself into the Hall of Fame. Awesome.

"It's Not Wu-Tang Beef, It's Just GZA"

Wow, I might be through knocking 50 Cent. That's a funny, smart dude right there. He's not an "artist" or whatever; he makes formula music. But as he says time and time again, that's his business approach. In any event, he's still willing to throw daggers at people, which for the most part is the upside of rapper entertainment in hip hop -- rappers are celebrities who don't go the politically-correct route. So this clip here has 50 retaliating to a clip I posted a week ago or so by GZA of the Wu.

GZA's a smart guy too, so I'm sort of hoping he'll have yet another clip up by next weekend. A little flame-war with 50 would def. be good for business, and might provide a little lrical inspiration also. Stay tuned.



via: WSHH

previously:
GZA Calls out 50 and Soulja Boy

Blacked Up

So I was totally going to forward this on to the film director making the mainstream sorta-juvenile sorta-adult-inspirational comedies from a black perspective, cause this sketch is sooo smart, and soooo funny, and, like, obviously the black director is going to be getting backlash about his black Knocked Up and black Superbad films. But then I realized the only black comedic director we have is ....ummmm .... Tyler Perry? sigh.

Seriously, this is funny, but WTF? Can we get someone besides the Wayans to do a black comedy? Why does Judd Apatow have this "Comic Sensibility" on lockdown? I'm sure if we have a summit of all the black comedic talent in America we can come up with the 40-Year Old Black Virgin or Superblack or something. If black is passé, I will accept Asian or Latino or whatever as well. Just give me one friggin' decent alternative. Thanks.



via Wired

Stevie Wonder Concert Report: Part 2

A few weeks ago Stevie Wonder performed at Madison Square Garden in New York City, and The Assimilated Negro was lucky enough to have a ticket ...

Part 1 of the report is here.

Overjoyed: "Though you don't believe that they do, dreams do come true ...." The meat of Stevie's show is pretty much a dream sequence. He delivers non-stop classic jam after jam, and concerns about timeliness/relevance were unfounded. Stevie is classic and for all times and occasions. And he performed every song with the perfect balance of familiar rhythm and live improvisational riffing.

By the time we were in the heart of the 2 1/2 hour set, the place is a full on church. All the vendors and ushers are dancing and bobbing as they carry refreshments and direct people to their seats. Everyone stands and cheers when the next song starts up. They're serving beer and booze and many are partaking and it's a Stevie Gon Wild party for sure. There were even a couple white college-aged college girls acting sloppy sorority drunk right in front of us, which I think made the "party vibe" official.

Stevie weaves in and out of his songs pretty seamlessly, occasionally breaking in to drop some background. His longest story was about him meeting a girl backstage when he was 16. Her name was Marsha. And he's hinting at how he already has a sexual ego at that age, and so he's hitting on this girl, and telling her to meet him in his hotel, but then she brings her mom, and he's all disappointed, and it's compounded by his manager at the time embarrassing him by telling everyone he has to be in bed by 11. After the hook-up gone wrong he tells her to come to the show the next night and writes a song for her in the interim. He plays it for her and she likes it but still demurs from his 16-year old advances. I don't understand how a female could resist a young Stevie, especially if he writes a song for you, and from the sound of it he doesn't either. But the song he wrote ends up being Mon Cherie Amour.

Later when leaving the show a drunk guy starts talking to us and confesses he thought the story was about a 16 year old girl and an older Stevie Wonder. So while he loved the concert he apparently was struggling with reconciling Steve Wonder as a pedophile/child molester. Which would indeed change the timbre on a number of his songs. Phew. We lost Michael, we couldn't lose Stevie to the kiddie-love.

"Signed, Sealed Delivered" was another song that got an extended moment. Cutting the song short in the middle he starts explaining how he thinks it's a jam that still "has life in it" and proceeds to set up a country western version. Which was awesome and a legitimate remix.

Stevie performs the uptempo version of "For Once In My Life," which I've discussed as my preference to the ballad, he then shares how he first heard the song from a singer he always admired and that singer was there tonight. As the band slows down, out comes Tony Bennett and they go into their Grammy award winning version of the song. It was a great crowd moment, especially for the Caucasians, but I still like Stevie's version better.

Ribbon in the Sky: Stevie was able to drop out of songs at will and the audience always picked up the lyrics without missing a beat. But the biggest crowd interaction moment came during "Ribbon in the Sky." Stevie performed most of the song then broke it down and starts orchestrating the crowd:

Ladies?

Heeeeeey!

Ladies?

Heeeeey!

I want you to sing this .... then he gets into a jazzy "there's a ribbon in the sky" melody.

He goes through it a couple times and the girls hold it down pretty much flawlessly. Now it's time for the fellas:

Fellas?

Hoooo!

Fellas?

Hooooo!

I need y'all to say "the ribbon ..... the ribbon ... ooh-ooh ah ah ... the ribbon."

Admittedly the guy riff was more of a change of pace from the original song, and ooh-ooh-ah-ah was tricky as far as straightforward easy-to-sing musical sections go. Also the ah-ah part is not sung, it's more throaty, kind of like the ahhhh-teeth suck in Push It by Salt & Pepa. In any event the guys kept botching up the ooh-ooh-ah-ah part. And to his credit, Stevie tries to coddle them along ( I was too busy reviewing their performance to participate). You could see he didn't want to hate on everyone, but he would be remiss to accept what they were doing as up to snuff. So he goes through it a few times, and on pass 4 or 5, just when it seems he would have to give up the guys get it down. He then gets everyone to do their parts at once and ..... it's ok. I'm sure it wasn't how he envisioned, but I'm amused that it might be the last musical challenge left to Stevie, orchestrating a crowd of 15-20K strange people to get a nice harmony section going.

You & I: You & I might be my favorite Stevie song. At the least, my favorite ballad. And as a single guy in NYC, the song, and Stevie himself bring to mind some more philosophical questions:

1.What is unconditional love to Stevie? I think Stevie's bread and butter is the song about infinite undying unconditional love. And usually it's directed toward that special someone. But Stevie has multiple baby mommas out there. So even he serves as a reminder to love's imperfection. Stevie's got love for everyone. And for his lover or partner that must be heartbreaking at times. But what are you gonna do? Hate on Stevie? Makes you realize Stevie, despite writing the most traditionally romantic love songs, might be the archetype for the ultimate philanderer. You could catch him in the bed, and all he's gonna do is start singing Overjoyed, or You & I, or Golden Lady and you have to forgive, you have to forgive. He could do this to women across the globe; he has that much love to give. Play on playa.

2. Can Stevie get angry? Along the same line as Pimp Stevie, its hard to imagine Mr. Wonder as a grumpy pants. But he must get irritable sometimes. This youtube [LINK, can't find it now, sorry] has some producers testifying that they had to rile him up to get the gritty edge for "Living in the City." What a funny idea. How does one get under Stevie's skin? Do you make blind jokes?

3. Who's taking the torch? Are there no contemporary Stevie Wonders out now? I think the closest bet is R Kelly, which is fairly hilarious. Some are talented, but it seems the humanity and consciousness in large part is gone. Less inspired, and with less morality. It's kind of like how Kobe might be better than Jordan on a technical level, but lacks that special transcendent unifying power that makes all the difference in the world.

As: Finally as we're getting towards the end of the set, Stevie gets into the classic Superstition. And in the middle of the song he mentions that Prince might be on location. As opposed to Tony Bennett whom he announced, this one is premised as a possibility. But everyone begins looking around and at each other in anticipation. Prince??!?!?!!? Next thing you know the girl man himself comes out and grabs a guitar. And heads begin exploding around the stadium. He didn't actually do that much razzle dazzle. Sort of joined in on the song, and then did a quick couple riff minutes at the end, and then stepped off. But yeah, Prince came out, and that's all that matters when you tell people.

Stevie closes with the song "As," one of my favorites, and after Prince got everyone excited I was primed for the closer of all closers. The song itself on the album is extended with a building crescendo and I was just ready for Stevie to go crazy. But mid-song he breaks off and does the band intros and thanks everyone and blesses his mother and then heads off. The crowd was definitely a little bewildered. Would there be an encore? Was he coming back out? He had to be, 2 1/2 hours felt like he barely scratched his portfolio. But next thing you know the lights came on and that was it.

During those parting words he also called out people who can't help but hate and said the "haters could die and go to hell." And honestly I gasped because I couldn't believe Stevie Wonder was hating on anyone. Even haters. It felt so unlike Stevie who obviously would love anyone when they were in his presence. Especially females. But I guess in his old age he's getting a little cranky. It shows he's human. But I can't front, it made me a little sad to see him directing hate at anyone. It's like if God came down and started bitching about Britney Spears and her underpants or something. You can't believe they'd come down to that level.

With the lack of an encore and the unexpected haterade as the only two caveats to what was the best concert experience of my life, it stands that I remain prostrate at his throne and will remember this show ... always.

GZA Putting Cornballs On Blast

GZA calling out Soulja Boy and 50 Cent. "Wu-Tang is forever..."



And the follow-up. For clarification all GZA said was, "50 Cent don't got motherf**kin' lyrics" Don't misconstrue it.



via: World Star Hip Hop
Previously on Wu-Tube:
Why The F*ck You Want Me To Rap About A Dinosaur

Chasing History: Jay-Z & Charlie Rose

"Chasing history" has been Jay-Z's driving mantra basically since The Black Album, which is to say since Kingdom Come flopped (for him). I think we're going to be digging into J and his legacy/plan sometime in the near future (in a good way). But in the meanwhile, in between styles, if you have 60 minutes to kill here's video of Charlie-Hov doing the talking thing. It gets good about the 55 minute mark. No, I'm kidding, that was a joke, and a damn good one at that .... if you like Charlie or Sean or hip hop or interviews the whole thing is pretty good. They talk slow so you can run it in the background while doing other stuff too .... I don't understand how Charlie resisted the temptation to hold up the "Roc" sign for the whole interview though. That's disappointing.

Stevie Wonder Concert Report: Part 1

A few weeks ago Stevie Wonder performed at Madison Square Garden in New York City, and The Assimilated Negro was lucky enough to have a ticket ...

For Once In My Life: Before heading to Stevie Wonder's concert I asked on my blog what the appropriate outfit might be. Concerts are always a little weird for choosing an outfit because you're going to a special event, so you want to dress up, but it's music, and you're going to "jam" and "groove" and "be chill" so you don't want to overdress.

With a Stevie Wonder concert you also have to negotiate the appropriate reverence (no shredded or torn clothes; this means you, white people & hipster-punk negroes), as well as the full age spectrum of Stevie's audience, which is basically from newborn - to old guys being wheeled in as their last dying request. So while I only have two outfits regardless, I thought the matter demanded some extra consideration.

As I say in that post, I ascribe Stevie Wonder no lesser value than proof of god's existence, but despite his godliness, I wasn't sure what a concert of his would be like. Michael Jordan also lived much of his life as God's vessel, but he wasn't the same as he got older. And when spoken of as an artist certainly Stevie, like Jordan, is a performer nonpareil, but we also have to acknowledge that Stevie's contemporary material doesn't strike the same universal chord as his 70s early 80s stuff. He's essentially a genre/brand of music unto himself, but you might cringe a little if you heard he was only playing his "contemporary" material.

(we interrupt this concert review to bring you a TAN Concert Tip/Anecdote for People Saving Their Money: my aunt brought an eggplant sandwich right before the show, we were both unsure how strict the MSG no-food policy would be. Turns out, very strict. security guys examined her bag and demanded that she lose the sandwich (and brownie, and vitaminwater, and other snack). We were 5-10 minutes before showtime and my aunt was determined to be getting in our seats in a timely fashion, yet she didn't want to lose what amounted to $10+ dollars of food, snack and beverages. So she stuck the sandwich down the back of her pants, and brought it in like that until we got to our seats. And we got in no prob. holla! I'm very proud of her perseverance in the face of adversity.)

We get to our seats, which are back row a level above floor seating, in perfect time for what's listed as 8PM show time. But wouldn't you know it, even Stevie runs on CP Time. Tick tock, tick tock. Here comes 8:30, still no blind geniuses taking the stage.

My aunt and I were sitting next to an older black couple, I think it'd be fair to describe them as the ideal Stevie demo. I won't digress on that. To pass the time I figure I'd engage in some fun Q&A on Stevie Wonder trivia. First question: how old is Stevie? I ask my aunt and she suggests 50s, and even hints 40s possibly. I say no way, and suggest 60s might be more accurate.

I eventually ask Stevie's Target Demo, and the wife who is obviously the spokesperson for the couple says that he's definitely in his 60s because "he was 58 when his last child was born." Turns out Stevie Wonder is 57. So, there goes the Target Demo.

Just as we start approaching 8:40 I go to get some popcorn so I can pass the down time picking kernels out of my gums, and just as I get on line I hear the roar of the crowd. I rush off line -- it was short -- to see Stevie being escorted out by his daughter Aisha. I go back and get my popcorn -- the initial applause for his coming on stage lasted the length of the whole concession run – as i get back to my seat Stevie is just starting to address the crowd. As our second and final bit of Stevie trivia my aunt tells me she thinks Aisha is the baby who cries and gurgles on "Isn't She Lovely." Awwww. I offered a firm eyebrow-raise to express my appreciation of the trivia and settled in with my popcorn eager for a good show.

Visions: Before anything gets underway, Stevie walks to the front of the stage and talks to the crowd. He thanks everyone for showing and tells the heartwarming story of how the show was inspired by the passing of his mother in May of '06. After she passed Stevie basically shut everything down for a while, but then she came to him in a vision one night and and told him to stop mourning and get out there and do his thing. And when he called his producers and agent, they thought it'd be a year to organize and plan, but he made it happen in a couple weeks, and has been touring and reinvigorated since.

(Ironically i just wrote a guide to coping with the loss of your fav artists's mama. I think Stevie is my favorite artist, and i herby nominate his mama's passing as a holiday. OR we can just make his birthday a holiday. Seriously. If a thug like Christopher Columbus is honored, Stevie Wonder is waaaaaaaay ahead of that fool. )

Once Stevie gives his intro the show opens with he and his daughter doing a duet of "Love's In Need of Love Today." It's sweet, and she's a good enough singer, but after a couple verses you can't help but think .... okokokokokok, thanks "Isn't She Lovely" baby, but time for Stevie.

After the duet he segues into “To High” and then “Visions” as the first extended showpiece. At the end of "Visions" Steve picks up the tempo and gets militant and angry, riffing off the song and singing how he envisions a better world and doesn't understand how in 2007 we're not there yet. "He can't understand it." And "it's unacceptable." Making war for peace (Iraq). "I can't understand it!" Jena 6. "2007, it's unacceptable!" No healthcare. "I can't understand it, it's unacceptable!" It's kind of corny writing about because it's the same entreaties we hear every day, but when Stevie gets all adamant with his preach-singing, you kind of feel it. I was ready to sign some petitions and beat up some capitalist pigs. In 2007 the drama is unacceptable!

Part 2 continues here ....

That's Me, TANNY-TAN, In The Middle

(real content coming soon ... forrilla)

Back To The Future, Now

It's Biff!



thanks: TSINB

Dave Chappelle In London

Dave Chappelle is not dead. Alive and well ... and in this video, doing some stand-up in London.

"I say a lot of racist jokes, and my mouth says racist things ... but my penis is a humanitarian ..."



via: BCP/Elon

Related:
Chappelle Is Dead. Long Live Chappelle

Stevie Wonder: Some Videos

So as mentioned before, I'm gonna have a report on the Stevie Wonder concert at MSG this past Saturday. In the meantime, in-between time, here are some Stevie vids I've come across:

Superstition was performed, of course, similar setting with him at the keyboard and a band behind him. Good stuff. Now just imagine Prince coming out to join him on guitar. I had to take my clothes to the cleaners from people's heads exploding around me:



Tony Bennett made a special guest appearance as well. The performance was similar to this one:



I'm personally partial to Stevie's up-tempo version of "For Once In My Life," and here's a version of that. Stevie didn't have dancers for this show, and I suspect this video may indicate the reason why.



The longest/extended version of a song award went to "Ribbon in the Sky":



And my personal favorite Stevie song (if you can have a favorite), You & I: