Attack of the Slacks People

When folks, like Obama, talk about The Black Experience, and what negroes as a collective have had to go through just to level the playing field, overlooked is stuff like this circa-1971 ad on the right headlined "Slack Power" (*GAG*). Copyranter nails the commentary on Animal:

"Our Post-Grad Slacks have soul" purrs the copy. Where? Are they reversible? It's not just that they're plaid pants, it's that they're those plaid pants. In the history of tough guys, I don't think a tough guy has ever looked less tough"

Seriously. I mean, we can laugh at it now, but Obama may have come into existence ten years ago if not for the "Post-Grad Slacks" that setback a generation of otherwise manly black men. Pour a little liquor for the poorly-slacked black people that paved the way.

Buygone Ad of the Week [Animal]

Why We Wear Baggy Jeans

Nick over at Gawk does a good job debunking this viral video, which I think as of his and this posting is not publicly acknowledged as a stealth viral video campaign for Levi jeans, but should be soon. If it is an ad there's a definite missed opportunity to corner the negro market cause obviously this is why we wear baggy/saggy pants. And, obviously, we choose a brand based on how easily it is to jump into them. So instead of the token faux-hawked negro (which as I've pointed out before are the reason why some caucs think they'd rather go negro than lose tivo) and some hipster-gymnasts doing nonsensical acrobatics w/ pogo sticks and what not, which no one in real life can relate to, you could have some real hood negroes who, y'know, are jumping out of bed trying to avoid baby mama drama, or out of a car trying to avoid 50 shots from the po-po, or whatever else we do on a typical Saturday night. And then you'd have us lining up for your jeans faster than if Lebron James wore them in his last playoff game and changed his name to "Tommy Hilfiger in the mid-90s" and they came with a free amateur-rapper myspace account. And a lifetime supply of Tims. And rims. Shout out to Mims! Damn, it makes me wanna freestyle (or at least beatbox) just thinking about it. Holla at ya boy, Levi's. Let's make it happen.

For the Dickhead In Your Life

I really shouldn't discuss this in racial terms, it's clearly ridiculous in and of itself .... but really, could a non-white American person come up with this "invention?"

I mean we really need to get back to basics here people. Before the aspiring chocolate-accessory moguls run everything.

I could totally see this being used in Terrorist recruitment video tapes. Throw some dead African babies imagery after this, some third world suffering, and voila! Instant hatred.



DickHats

HATtip: Diana

Telemarketing Is About The People; It's About Human Spirit

Very amusing video on Manoj, India's elite telemarketer.

My name is Bruce Hess. How have you been on this beautiful 19.52 degree day?

Cheetos Grow On Trees

This is not breaking news here, but I'm incredibly amused by the "Natural Cheetos" bag.

First off all, I'm always amazed at the gall and audacity of ad/marketing people to completely ignore the notion of consumer intelligence. I think I believe in people too much to hold that type of gig down; one where you'd have an exchange like this:

Ad Boss: Sooooo Cheetos everyone. We need a new spark on that line. What can we do?

Ad Crony #1: We could make Chester the Cheetah rap and dance some more.

Ad Boss: That's good. But we got black people on lock already, just off the cheesy crunchy goodness. So no need to belabor them.

Ad Crony #2: Hmmm, we could make the cheese different colors. Like purple or green.

Ad Boss: Ummm ... maybe. But that might be a turn off. I'll consider it for the holidays though.

Ad Crony #3: We could just make a "Natural" line of Cheetos. It'd be a total lie, obviously Cheetos don't grow on trees, or come from the ground. You'd have to be retarded to think otherwise. In fact, a cheeto is quite possibly the quintessence of artificiality ... but hey, everyone loves "natural" and "organic" these days.

Ad Boss: You're right! People are retarded! "Natural Cheetos" ... ha. Brilliant! Let's do it!

and ... scene

Anycheese, they also added an ear of corn to the bottom. Which I don't get. Are we so strung out on US Farm Americana imagery that all we need to see is an ear of corn on the package to greenlight ingestion? Do they put corn graphics on hot dogs and ice cream also? Or maybe they're just suckering retarded Fritos™ devotees as well? Does anyone get Cheetos for a corn-flavored fix? Why is it not a block of cheese used as the dishonest "natural" graphic?

oh, I see now the first ingredient listed is "organic corn." Ok, that settles that.

Anyways, off to go fill my RDA of vitamins and minerals with a nice big bowl of Cheetos. Taste good, and good for you too.

Paging Michael Moore: Procter & Gamble Lining Their Pockets For Charity

UPDATE: Post is up now. And they included more in the cut than I thought, so I'm editing the post below accordingly.

I wrote about this for The Huffington Post (note: its not up yet as I post this, but soon), but even though I went long for the typical Huffpost, I still had to cut a lot of incriminatingly intriguing stuff. So I'll post it here.

Again disclosure: Donors Choose are my peeps. And a lot of this info is coming directly from personal emails; so you can call me a DC propagandist. But again, this is not about DC vs. other incredibly worthy causes/charities/non-profits. It's about the spirit of giving, and fairness. Now that the full extent of the relationship between the Children's Safe Drinking Water project and corp goliath P&G is fully exposed, why are they still allowed to play? And if it's because there's no explicit rule against it, then why isn't AmEx making the rule? Is P&G gonna spend $5M suing AmEx over their right to compete for the $5M? If AmEx is not making a rule because it's about their members making a choice (sneaky bastards), then why isn't there complete transparency and disclosure about the company connections?

When you launch a product line at the same time as people are voting in this contest, and downplay the fact that the product is NOW IN STORES and the product description in your project summary IS THE SAME THING ... well, come on. I'm sure AmEx cardholders wouldn't vote for Cap'n Crunch as a project idea, but if it's described as "a corn and oat food product that's sure to bring children across the globe fortifying and enriching minerals and vitamins," well then they might get some votes. Children around the globe deserve food with vitamins, right?

I'm lampooning for [hopefully] comedic effect, but bottom line: Procter & Gamble is putting its marketing muscle behind the project submitted by its employee, and as a result, the other four (truly nonprofit) finalists have been effectively marginalized.

I'm sure the celebrities who endorsed this competition were thinking, "please join Amex in making a difference, please join US in making a change. let's give money to procter and gamble, a company responsible for half the products at your local supermarket or drugstore. oh, wait a minute. you don't want to give to a billion dollar company that spends millions on animal testing, or has been accused of water pollution (but they'll clean it for you at cost!)? that's ok, we'll hide the connection then. that should make it easier for you to look deep into your heart."

That's definitely what Ellen Degeneres, Alicia Keys, Scorcese et. al had to be thinking, right AmEx? Right??

And I don't understand the argument that suggests a company like P&G wouldn't go through all of this for what is, for them, a trifling $5M. I think the marketing and branding for a product that has yet to really reap commercial rewards is more than enough motivation. If they're positioned as the PUR water provider for the future ... well, I don't know, but I hear there's a market for clean water.

That's before getting apocalyptic and imagining the world where all the water is contaminated, and we pay P&G to keep us alive (thanks!). All on our American Express card, of course.

Anyridiculous, if you're using AmEx go to The Members Project and make sure your vote and voice is heard. I'm not sure if there's enough time to get the numbers (2nd place is over 8,000 votes behind as I write this) but if we lean on their conscience, maybe we'll right the wrong.

And here's a timeline of events that puts the case against the Clean Safe Drinking Water project in perspective (dates linked where appropriate, click images to enlarge):

The first NY Times article revealing what was afoot(albeit in an article that was positive toward P&G’s marketing tactics):
“Procter & Gamble is traveling incognito in the American Express Member’s Project... [P&G employee] Mr. Allgood entered the science and theory behind the Children’s Safe Drinking Water program. But he said that the Member Project’s rules precluded him from naming it, or mentioning Pur or Procter."

May 24, 2005
- UNICEF announces a partnership with Procter & Gamble to help provide safe drinking water to families in developing countries. One of the biggest tools in this effort is the P&G product “PUR,” a water-purifying powder.

August 2, 2005
- USA Today reports that “P&G… is keeping an eye on its bottom line while doing good. ‘It's a cause-related issue, but we'll also learn things about low-income consumers that are going to help P&G overall,’ says Greg Allgood, P&G's director for children's safe drinking water.”

June 17, 2007
- Procter & Gamble employee Gregory Allgood submits a project idea to the American Express Members Project entitled “Children’s Safe Drinking Water,” which is the name of a division of Procter & Gamble.


The project idea makes no mention of Procter & Gamble and for all intents & purposes appears to be a UNICEF project. The project centers on a powder that can purify dirty water, which, if one follows a succession of links, turns out to be the PUR product created by Procter & Gamble.

July 22, 2007
- The project idea finishes 3rd in the semi-finals round of voting.

NOTE: The semi-finals of the Members Project were closely contested, with the top finisher (DonorsChoose.org) receiving only 65 votes more than the second place finisher. By contrast, in the finals now underway, one project idea (which had finished in 3rd place in the semi-finals) received an overwhelming number of votes within the first 48 hours. (Anecdotally, the number of votes that hit the site in the first hours of the contest suggests the project was being voted on by P&G employees....hard to imagine another source of such massive AMEX cardholders ready to go at word 1)

July 23, 2007
An article appears in the International Herald Tribune describing P&G’s new venture to sell PUR water-purifying powder for-profit in the United States, after years of selling it at cost in third-world countries.
Quote: “On Tuesday, the company will be selling the purifiers in the United States at what it hopes will be a tidy profit.” That is the very same Tuesday which begins the Top 5 finals of voting in the American Express Members Project.

Tuesday July 24, 2007
- P&G launches the sale of the PUR water cleansing kits at retail stores across the US. New York Times prints an article about the product launch.
Quote: “Gregory S. Allgood, director of the Children’s Safe Drinking Water program, cites a less obvious reason behind Procter’s decision to stay in the background. ‘Our employees feel really good about our philanthropy program, and we don’t want to confuse the issue.’”

- In contrast to their project page on the Members Project website, the Procter & Gamble home page features the following text under the heading of News From P&G: “P&G’s Children’s Safe Drinking Water makes the American Express Members Project Top 25.” After Members Project discussion board comments begin to reveal P&G’s role in the project, American Express asks P&G to remove the ownership reference from their homepage, and P&G changes the language to “P&G Employee's Idea ‘Children's Safe Drinking Water’ Is Selected As a Finalist in AMEX Members Project.”


July 25, 2007
- P&G Employee “samjneal” posts on Members Project message board: “I heard of the membersproject [sic] site from a P&G internal newsletter highlighting the entry of this project into the final five.”

July 26, 2007
- American Express claims there is no connection between this project and P&G, other than the fact that it was a P&G employee’s submission. People have asked American Express to identify the author as a P&G employee in his bio on the “Children’s Safe Drinking Water” project page; yet this page on the American Express Members Project web site is still conspicuously non-transparent.

July 28, 2007
- NY Times runs another article, more directly dealing with the issues of fairness.
“It feels like David and Goliath because not only is it a competition of ideas, but when you take into consideration that Unicef is a $300 million-plus entity combined with P.& G. — how do you compete with that?” asked Neal Lurie, the marketing director at the American Solar Energy Society."

On going
- Days before contest ends, bloggers are starting to pick up on the story.
- In discussion boards, AmEx cardmembers are discovering the above facts and voicing frustration about the lack of transparency.

Related:
The Corporation: The Pathological Pursuit of Profit and Power

White People Say: They'd Sooner Be Negro Than Go Without TiVo

So word on White Street is that being black ain't that hard, yo. Matter of fact, researchers are telling us that caucasian americans think it'd be tougher to go without television than swing the whole Invisible Man thing. One hundred times tougher:

The researchers asked the participants, who were white Americans of different ages, questions such as how much they would need to be paid to have television completely taken away from them for the rest of their lives. The majority of people said about $1 million.

Comparatively, they were asked how much they would need to be paid to be black for the rest of their lives. The majority answer to that question was less than $10,000.

Wow, talk about television evangelists. This is totally great sketch material, where you have a club of tv fiends talking about all the ethnic atrocities they'd endure to make sure they can still watch Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Then they're like, "well don't be dramatic TAN. Obviously we could give up 5th Grader, or According to Jim, it's the good shows that are the problem. The Colbert Report. The Sopranos. Charm School. Could you imagine?!? No HBO. No Comedy Central. No Oprah. I would definitely take some unlawful arresting over missing Flight of the Conchords. Being a minority is so underrated."

I personally don't blame the white people. I blame black kids like the ones on the right. If I saw them on the train I'd walk over and scream at them, "DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEMS YOU'RE CAUSING MR. MOHAWK? DUDE, ONLY ENTITLED MOTHERF*CKERS GET TO WALK AROUND LOOKING SO RIDICULOUS. HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AROUND AT SOCIETY YOU SELFISH PRICK? DO YOU SEE ANYONE ELSE WEARING A F*CKING MOHAWK?!!? GROW THE REST OF YOUR HEAD OUT AND GET THEE TO A MAILROOM AND STOP MAKING THE WHITE MAN THINK EVERYTHING IS SWEET WHEN IT OBVIOUSLY IS NOT! AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE TAKE THAT F*CKING MORRISSEY SHIRT OFF!! JESUS!!"

I see a gang of kids like that and I just think, "where the hell are the parents."

But as an assimilated negro I've been trained to see things from the average caucasian-american perspective. I've been groomed to understand. So I'm thinking they just misunderstood the question. When Harvard professor Mahzarin Banaji says "White Americans are blind to the cost of being black," she's probably thinking about the effect of being raised black in america. Which I can only hope the subjects in this study are not taking into account. Is the question about magically turning black, or being raised black?

Because if a white person turned black tomorrow, it might be weird, but they'd have the same family and friends. And probably keep their job and general lifestyle. And they could always Netflix Black. White for the vagaries. It'd be like going blonde, except in reverse, and with your skin. Whatever.

If you flip the question around and ask black people how much they would need to become white, I think we'd continue to find the valuation is placed not on the race or color itself, but on the cultural assimilation. Since I already have a semblance of access, you'd have to pay me a lot more to magically turn white now, than to go back in the days — before I was plucked from the jungle Bronx — and be raised white, presumably in the lap of luxury on Park Ave where all the white people live. All this means is: we want the access and opportunity, not the skin cancer.

So maybe the cost is roughly the equivalent of a private school education, from 9-college. Maybe tack on thirty years of counseling/therapy. All in all, definitely more than $10K, but probably less than $1M. If you go more you'd have to start arguing for physical/genetic costs. And I don't think Magnum XLs are that expensive.

So I guess the final lesson in all of this is simply: white people watch too much television.

And also, that kid with the fro-hawk should stay away from cameras. And me.

Study Searches for Cost of Being Black [U-Wire]

I Can Has Hot Librarian?

This Sunday the NY Times filled us in on hipster librarians. And now, two days later, people are still emailing each other about it. Hmmm, well maybe I should make fun of it! Let's start from the beginning:

On a Sunday night last month at Daddy’s, a bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, more than a dozen people in their 20s and 30s gathered at a professional soiree, drinking frozen margaritas and nibbling store-bought cookies. With their thrift-store inspired clothes and abundant tattoos, they looked as if they could be filmmakers, Web designers, coffee shop purveyors or artists.

Hmmm, powerful opening. I smell hipster... handbook.

When talk turned to a dance party the group had recently given at a nearby restaurant, their profession became clearer.

“Did you try the special drinks?” Sarah Gentile, 29, asked Jennifer Yao, 31, referring to the colorfully named cocktails.

“I got the Joy of Sex,” Ms. Yao replied. “I thought for sure it was French Women Don’t Get Fat.”

Ms. Yao could be forgiven for being confused: the drink was numbered and the guests had to guess the name. “613.96 C,” said Ms. Yao, cryptically, then apologized: “Sorry if I talk in Dewey.”

No problem Ms. Yao, sorry I'm going to leave you now and go talk to the normal people over there. Oh, and the name of my drink is "Shut the f*ck up," I mean "Shush."

That would be the Dewey Decimal System. The groups’ members were librarians. Or, in some cases, guybrarians. “He hates being called that,” said Sarah Murphy

Oh, he hates being called a "guybrarian?" That's weird. What is he trying to act cool or something? From these first couple paragraphs, I'm thinking this must be a piece about how we think librarians are nerdy, but they're like incredibly way nerdier than we ever imagined.

Ms. Murphy was speaking of Jeff Buckley, a reference librarian at a law firm, who had a tattoo of the logo from the Federal Depository Library Program peeking out of his black T-shirt sleeve.

Oh my, a tattoo of the FDLP? (yeah I throw that acronym around like nothing, don't you?) What is this guy, some sort of Library Avenger or something?

Librarians? Aren’t they supposed to be bespectacled women with a love of classic books and a perpetual annoyance with talkative patrons — the ultimate humorless shushers?

Yes! or ... I don't know, maybe?! No?? Why are you asking me about librarians again? Aren't they people just like you and me? What are these silly questions? Is this the NY Times? I thought I was reading the NY Times. Can someone please point me to the NY Times.

Not any more. With so much of the job involving technology and with a focus now on finding and sharing information beyond just what is available in books, a new type of librarian is emerging — the kind that, according to the Web site Librarian Avengers, is “looking to put the ‘hep cat’ in cataloguing.”

Oh snap! That guy really is a Library Avenger. Uh-oh, I have late fees from 1986 (book: "Are You There God, It's Me TAN" also known as "Ketel 1-and-Cranberry"), ... and now I'm kind of scared.

When the cult film “Party Girl” appeared in 1995, with Parker Posey as a night life impresario who finds happiness in the stacks, the idea that a librarian could be cool was a joke.

Two cool librarians walk into a bar ... HA!

It's funny because it's true.

Now, there is a public librarian who writes dispatches for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a favored magazine of the young literati. “Unshelved,” a comic about librarians — yes, there is a comic about librarians — features a hipster librarian character.

A librarian who writes for McSweeney's? REALLY?!!!? What's next? Popcorn at movie theaters? Also, THERE'S A COMIC ABOUT LIBRARIANS?!!? You are seriously blowing my mind right now. That's, like, totally impossible to comprehend. What's next? A comic about a talking beagle who sleeps on his dog-house and occasionally flies in WWII planes?

And, in real life, there are an increasing number of librarians who are notable not just for their pink-streaked hair but also for their passion for pop culture, activism and technology.

Well duh. Anyone who streaks their hair pink is doing it because they're passionate. PINK: P is for pop culture, I is for actIvism, N is for techNology, and K is for Konichiwa bitches!!!

“We’re not the typical librarians anymore,” said Rick Block, an adjunct professor at the Long Island University Palmer School and at the Pratt Institute School of Information and Library Science, both graduate schools for librarians, in New York City.

“When I was in library school in the early ’80s, the students weren’t as interesting,” Mr. Block said.

Tell Mr. Block he's a douche, and no one is signing up for his class at LIU this year.

Ok, enough of this setup and character profiling! Can someone tell us what these librarians do that make the job so interesting?

For that we tab Jessamyn West, 38, the editor behind a site with the tagline, "putting the rarin’ back in librarian since 1999":

In a typical day, Ms. West might send instant and e-mail messages to patrons, many of who do their research online rather than in the library. She might also check Twitter, MySpace and other social networking sites, post to her various blogs and keep current through MetaFilter and RSS feeds. Some librarians also create Wikis or podcasts.

You know, every day I wake up, turn on my computer and wonder "who am i?" Turns out, I'm a librarian! Wait a minute, you too?? Awesome! Good thing librarians -- along with blogs and online networking sites -- are cool then, huh. Also, Ms. West, there isn't a "rarin'" in "librarian." You should nix the tagline, the joke is too forced. It's the same reason Gawker nixed "putting the awe in Gawker" and Obama nixed "putting the Obama in hippobotamus" (hmm, hope that works out). You're either putting the "rarian" back, or you're doing nothing. That tricknology is not working on me!

Anybook, I don't know about this article. I feel like I'm looking at a big scoreboard that says Hipsters: 100, NY Times: 0. I don't see the story -- Hipsters have discovered an alternative to waiting tables? That's cool, most wait-staff I'm sure would take the $51K median salary over tips. But wait, you first need to scrounge up the money to get that most versatile of graduate degrees, the MLS! Sounds like a plan ... for hipsters with money and no real dreams!

Now if you were to take all these young hipster librarians and catch up with them in ten years, and see if they're still working in libraries, that might be interesting. That's the real heart of the librarian cliche; the older librarian coming to terms with their dead-end job. Williamsburg no longer welcomes them, so they hang out at home, alone, ordering book-drinks to themselves, "Are you there God, it's me TAN?" All night, every night. Now that's a story!

There was one other quote that could have led to something substantive:

"I wanted to do something different, something maybe more meaningful,” said Carrie Klein, 36, who used to be a publicist for a record label and for bands such as Radiohead and the Foo Fighters, but is now starting a new job in the library at Entertainment Weekly.

Now here's something to dig into. Who's more meaningless: a publicist or a librarian?

Let's ponder that in Williamsburg over a Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Librarian and a shot of the Kama Sutra, shall we? Seriously, let's make it two shots of the Sutra, those librarian glasses always turn me on.


A Hipper Crowd of Shushers [NY Times]

David Brooks Want To Live In A Black Neighborhood, But Not Really

In Friday's NY Times, columnist David Brooks explains why he's a little bummed out over "the waning dream of integration." He suggests that we once all had a dream of equality (Yay! iPhones for everyone!). But now it seems to him the dream is dying, and that's kind of sad (sorry, there's actually no iPhones for minorities, terrorists, or communists!).

Brooks namedrops a bunch of Isms and Ations to explain how we get all ambitious in the spirit of togetherness, but in the end togetherness never sticks. Communism? A mess. War on Terrorism? Needs more work. Immigration reform? not so much. Or as he says, "All these promises hung in the air, but then crumbled."

But just when you're expecting him to drop some of that I'm-a-NY-Times-columnist wisdom on your dome, he concludes saying, "This isn't the integrated world many of us hoped for. But maybe it's the only one available."

Huh?

Maybe it's because I don't have a column in the Times, but I'm a little confused.

Brooks says the Civil Rights movement was a promise to heal "the nation's oldest wound." So If I'm to follow the logic of his metaphor then "America" is walking around with an open wound and Dr. Brooks is saying "tough break, kid" and sending us home with a 739-word band-aid.

Hmmm, well I must be missing his point:

"Maybe the health of a society is not measured by how integrated each institution within it is, but by how freely people can move between institutions. In a sick society, people are bound by one totalistic identity. In a healthy society, a person can live in a black neighborhood, send her kids to Catholic school, go to work in a lawyer's office and meet every Wednesday with a feminist book club. Multiply your homogenous communities and be fulfilled."

Oh, I get it now. I thought white people were moving into East Harlem because it was cheap. But actually, it's because it's healthy! East Harlem is like carrots! El Carrotio!

Some other issues:

1. Integration isn't the same dream or problem for everyone. We don't all have the same "wound." A family operates in the spirit of togetherness, but if they end up in a car accident and only the adopted black son gets seriously hurt, they don't all share the same injury. It may be that everyone in the family is suffering from psychological issues, especially since the "accident" was a result of the white father kidnapping the "adopted son" cause he needed more manpower to get work done in his backyard; but while everyone shares in the handwringing, it's only the adopted black son that's in ICU, hysterically rap-talking about hoes and rims. So let's drop the patronizing "we," shall we (d'oh!).

2. I don't expect Dr. Brooks to definitively know how to heal everything, but if he's casting himself as a doctor, I'd like him to at least try. Brooks premises what I'd call a "Right or Fight" decision: He says things aren't right, and they're not. But instead of fighting, he opts out. It's like Braveheart but with David Brooks as Mel Gibson and he just trots off on his horse instead of delivering the dramatic speech. It's like the plight for minorities in America is terminal cancer, and, well, that's it.

Well goddammit, I want a second opinion.

3. I'd suggest Brooks is stymied by what I now call "Crash Course Racism." If you only learned about racism from the movie Crash, you'd have an interesting, provocative, and theoretically informed opinion about racism. But you don't know the experience. So you end up comparing racism to cars crashing out in LA or whatever the f*ck that was.

Crash Course Racism is progressive when contrasted with civil rights Jim Crow thinking. but it highlights the crux of the issue: racism is our wound. More accurately, our scar. We have healed. We have made progress. But we still have a nasty scar from the accident, and it's a little sensitive, and we're a little self-conscious still. But we're capable. We're not incapacitated. We're just a little weird about it.

And to be honest, I'm tired of hearing about the "racist experience," or the "dream of integration" from old white people. Like they know something cause they just stayed in a Holiday Inn Express in Harlem. I guess Brooks is right, I can only connect with my community's experience. And it's across the board, I'm not interested in heterosexuals pontificating on the angst involved in receiving anal sex. If you don't know anything about it, shut up! And if you're really interested then go find someone who knows the experience and work with them.

Which is how the dream can work. If Mr. Brooks really wanted to give it a shot, he could start by giving up his cushy NY Times platform once a week, so that a deserving black writer (not me!) can articulate some thoughts from first-hand experience. Not even once a week, how about .... once.

Matter of fact, I think a nice step for any white writer or commentator looking to express authentic ideas about issues of racism would be to shut the f up, and find a black friend to tell you some things (or Mexican, Puerto Rican etc.). And if all your minority friends are stupid and inarticulate, then keep looking, cause guess what? We're out there. We're not dead. We're just very badly burned!

So if you really want to figure this out, all you have to do is be proactive. Don't talk the dream. Live it.

Otherwise, Dr. Brooks, I'm forced to diagnose you as full of sh*t. With no hope of recovery.

The End of Integration [NY Times]

McDonald's: The Black People Plumper

Alternative Titles:

McDonald's: The Official Fattener Of African-Americans

McDonald’s: For All Your Negro Catering Needs

McDonald’s: “We Feed Black People”

Granted I don't watch much tv, or pay much attention to McDonald's commercials when I do, but I haven’t seen a McDonald’s commercial that was targeted for white people in like twenty years. This begs me to ask two questions:.

1 – How the hell is McDonald’s so ubiquitous if only black people eat there?

2 – I’ve always thought McDonald’s ads sucked, but maybe they’re actually incredibly good?

3 – Are black people the tipping point for mainstream corporate success?

Ok, so I'm not good with counting questions or chicken mcnuggets, and of course it’s not only black people eating at McDonald’s. Everyone goes there (though I must say my Asian sensors are usually pretty quiet whenever I visit). But McDonald's definitely seems to have a "black division" that's all about sustaining their domination in the negroes-gotta-eat-too sector.

And I know this isn't breaking news. Amongst others, The Postshow boys, including First Responders heckler Alex Blagg, have a great parody on McDonald's racist marketing. So certainly the secret is out.

But it is telling that such blatant racism, or racializing if you prefer, is not only accepted, but is so effective at the mainstream level. My takeaway: In America, racism is part of your bottom line whether you like it or not.

It's also interesting that McDonald's is this infinite reservoir of subtextual racism — from the negroes behind the counter, to the negroes in front of the counter, to the caucasians in corporate who rely on both of them to keep the stock skyhigh — but the surface reality is one of a racial utopia. Black, whites, and others all getting fat and lovin' it together. There's never any beef or racial drama in McDonald's.

When I'm in McDonald's I'm almost tempted to say they can't be racist, look at how they've united everyone via the power of transfats. But then I see an ad and everything smells McFishy to me.

Negro Law: Can Nike Use Racism To Sell Us Sneakers

The story that refuses to die has found a new medium: advertising. AdAge reports about Nike using nappy-headed hoes racism and Don Imus as the fuel for their new campaign.

The ad, which ran on a full page in last Sunday's NY Times and will be used as a banner on some websites, reads:

"Thank you, ignorance.
Thank you for starting the conversation.
Thank you for making an entire nation listen to the Rutger's team story. And for making us wonder what other great stories we've missed.
Thank you for reminding us to think before we speak.
Thank you for showing us how strong and poised 18 and 20-year-old women can be.
Thank you for reminding us that another basketball tournament goes on in March.
Thank you for showing us that sport includes more than the time spent on the court.
Thank you for unintentionally moving women's sport forward.
And thank you for making all of us realize that we still have a long way to go.
Next season starts 11.16.07."

I think they edited out this line:

Also, thank you for giving us another way to sell sneakers to nappy-headed mofos.

Incorrect apostrophe usage aside (uh, you think Nike could scrounge up some money for a copyeditor to tell them there is no such school as "Rutger"), the ad does raise some questions.

Are they right? Are we NOW looking for other "great stories"? And do racist mofos saying stupid ish constitute a "great story?"

And how about all this "progess of women's sport?" Are a lot of people now going to attend the women's NCAA tournament? Do they now also care about the time these females spend off the court?

Are there people who didn't know when the season started that are now marking 11/16/07 on their calendar?

I don't know.

I know for me personally, the Imus ad will not likely motivate me to watch a women's basketball game. But this other Nike ad might:

Thank you big booty. Thank you for moving woman-kind forward.

So yeah, I don't know if I'm sold on Nike's message in this Imus campaign.

What I do know for sure is that Nike has sneakers to offer you. And they're using this controversy to sell some. Which leads to the final question:

is that cool?

(thanks Tishon, for the link)

People Are From Mars, Racists Are From Venus

The crackdown continues:

Three cheers for justice! Three cheers for nappy-headed hoes!!

It’s reality television come to life!! Dial up your nearest blog and tell them you demand justice!!!

Behold, the perfect victims: The Rutgers women basketball team!

Young, Negro, Tightly-Wound-Curly-Haireded, Scholar Athletes. A roster that promises to hold a young Oprah, a young Tyrah, a young Beyonceh, a young Halleh (in Jungle Fever of course!), a young Hilary Clinton, a young Jessica Biel’s ass; all the things a young African American woman could aspire for in this godforsaken White AmeriK³a.

Behold, the perfect villain: Don Imus!

Old, Wispy-Haired, Ugly, easily mistaken for the face of evil! The craggy-skin embodiment of that most contemptible type of racist: the hickbilly twatwaffle. Every wrinkle a slur, every crevasse a racial epithet!! And caught on youtube (he couldn't even get the video taken down! Pfft!) for all to see him frosting his poundcake of racism with smug chortling (he calls the dessert "Race-Baiters Delight," and it is best served lukewarm). His parter-in-crow, "Jim [redacted]," adding the a la mode, as they tangibly oppressed these women right before our eyes!

Some tried to let it go by. “We don’t even listen to Imus” they cried. The children under forty claimed to not even know who he was.

But by the power of Martin, and Malcolm, and Al, dammit, we didn’t let up. We didn’t say, “see, there’s the man holding us down again,” then go out for lunch and take a nap as black comedians tells us we are wont to do. No, no! We let them silky-haired crackas know. This racial injustice ish is OUR DOMAIN!! THIS IS OUR HOUSE!! AND WE DEMAND SACRIFICE!!!! WE ARE HUNGRY, AND DESIRE TO EAT OF HIS FLESH!! WE LONG TO CHEW UP AND SPIT OUT THIS MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE CAUCASIAN BEEF JERKY!!!

The pasty-faced tribesman were stricken with horror, they didn’t want to kill one of their elders!! One of the legends of broadcasting; an ancient relic with the slick trick of making dollars disappear from the wallets of old white people. Alas, if the tribe was going to survive, the old man had to be left behind.

The Caucasian Tribe Has Spoken: We cast thee out racist!!

But seriously folks …

I learned everything I needed to know in kindergarten when I read this line in the Times:

Mr. Imus, 66, was among the most recognizable voices on radio, and commanded a salary estimated at $10 million a year.

WHAT??!!?

If Don Imus was commanding $10M/year, that ish right there is RACIST! It’s the crime of the century! You don't need to fire him, just pay him minimum wage. Actually if you really want to put oomph behind your words, Mr. Man, go sleep with a fat black woman acknowledge this as an affirmative action move and go full throttle with it. Hire a black DJ to replace Don Imus! Preferably a hoe with kinky hair. And give them, let's say, $1M/year (is there a black DJ making six figures, let alone seven?). If you can't do that, then I guess I can settle for a new VP of Mailroom position (but give the title some teeth!). In this era of reality show transparency, the story of its inception will give you a sizeable ground audience and if you actually pick someone reasonably good they should be able to sustain the show. And voila! Now you're really living The Dream! (Of course I’m presuming there’s a black radio DJ of the Imus caliber out there in the jungles of Africa somewhere.)

Otherwise tell The Man and The Media that I refuse to play in their silly game of Three Race Monty!!

(Oh wait a minute, I LOVE THIS GAME!!)

Ok now someone pass the gravy, these northern-fried Imus drumsticks need some more flavor.

Previously:
First Responders: Nappy-Headed Hoes (video)
Cracka Crackdown: Nappy-Headed Imus Edition

WTF Are These Ni**as Talkin' About?!!?

The debate over the "n-word" continues, NY1 reports:

A symbolic resolution banning a commonly-used racial slur is one step closer to passing, after the measure was approved by a review committee on Monday. As NY1’s Molly Kroon reports, sponsors hope the resolution will educate teens on the word’s painful history.

What's never clear in this debate is what we're trying to prevent by censoring the word. I believe in having respect for people who bristle when they hear the term, the same way I try not to curse or use the word "vagina" around my grandfather. But if we're noting that rappers all use it, and athletes all use it, and young negroes in general fancy it, particularly amongst their friends, ... then why can't we just accept it? Obviously it's not going anywhere, and it's not like white people pull out their hoods and burning crosses whenever they hear the word (oh wait, they do? D'oh!). The would-be-censors seem to be arguing that by using the word we implicitly give permission to be racist? Like it's a gateway drug leading to .... well I already made that joke. Point being, the logic is very flawed considering how prevalent the word is now. At this point it's a curse-word, not an epithet.

The ridiculousness is compounded when these politicians are passing "symbolic resolutions." WTF is a SYMBOLIC RESOLUTION?!!? Somebody needs to slap these ni**as awake and make them pass REAL RESOLUTIONS about things that matter.

word.

City Council Ni**as Move To Waste Our Time And Money On Bullsh*t [NY1]

Smells Like Negro Musk (The Sequel)

Popped in on Gawker today to drop this off.

I make jokes, but I didn't think the piece was bad by any means. "Blipster" didn't go over, to say the least, but it's a reasonable suggestion. That said when I inquired about the same subject last year, I, too, was a little behind on the current status quo, but was still able to extend the thought:

Hipsters are our first graduates from the school of racial equality (SORE). They are our first look at a new generation. Of course they have gook on their heads, look a little underdeveloped, and generally make you say ewww (which, by the way, is the new "make you say hmmm"). They have issues. But the thing is none of those issues are race issues. You think Blackface Jesus is a product of "old-school Jim Crow" sensibility, or is he a product of "I could give a fuck about this race shit" sensibility. I'm guessing the latter. And if I'm wrong I guess I'll kick his ass later.

So, that's cool. But if you're still doubting my prescience, in the comment I left a little over a year ago, I used the word "cipher," and I'm pretty sure it's the only time I used the word "cipher" on Gawker, except, of course, for last week's Ghetto Pass.

That's kind of weird right? I mean, yes, maybe I'm too into my own butt, but it's a little notable, no? If you were me, you'd notice it right?

Now how about when I tell you that I wrote this post right after I left that comment, and I'm just publishing it now.

bwahahahaha ..holla!

Hmmm, Maybe I Can Rap My School Loans Away Also

Here was a stunning little news bit out of Arizona, apparently a cop (white) stopped a couple guys (black) and made them rap to get out of the ticket they were receiving for littering.

Now I know what you're thinking, no way race plays a factor here, because if it were two blonde girls pulled over they would have had to spit hot fire AND bat their eyelashes lick their boobies to get out of the ticket.

What's funny (or perhaps not so funny if you're, um, BLACK) is that this was only found out about because they recorded the segment for a cable show, Tempe StreetBeat. It's kind of like the "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" commercials except they're real, and there's no ice cream, only a police officer in a position of power, and two black kids who are not. Yay!

Apologies have been issued, so all you black folk about to cry the beloved freedom, calm down, I'm sure those kids are quite happy they didn't get 50 shots to the dome instead. Or a littering ticket for that matter. Win-win baby.

One thing's for sure, once you see the video, it should certainly dispel the myth that all black people can freestyle. Jeesh. I'm surprised he didn't just go ahead and lock them up after that performance.

Arizona Police Give Littering Ticket, Gain Admission To Minstrel Show [Yahoo News]

N Double A See Who?

After ignoring invitations every year of his presidency until now, President Bush, the black people's champion, was able to take a reprieve from being the worst president ever, to address the annual NAACP convention. Here were some of the more insightful quotes from the first time caller, long time ignorer of WBLK:

"I understand that racism still lingers in America"

"And I understand that many African-Americans distrust my political party."

"For too long, my party wrote off the African-American vote, and many African-Americans wrote off the Republican Party."

"For nearly 200 years, our nation failed the test of extending the blessings of liberty to African-Americans. Slavery was legal for nearly 100 years, and discrimination legal in many places for nearly 100 years more."

"There is no greater joy than to state the obvious, to repeat for someone else that which is in front of both of you."

Maybe this guy's not so dumb after all ...

Bush acknowledges racism still exists [Yahoo]
(thanks copy)
(freakingnews.com for the pic)

The Melting Pot ... Without The Melting

"Just White" Marriott Hotels has thrown the gauntlet down against hip hop. For Klansmen looking to get away, we have just the spot where you can live comfortably, naturally, and far away from "posturing" hippity-hoppity negroes.

Spotted by Copyranter. I left more of my comments on his post.

Here's the ad:



If they ran the ad with negroes I probably wouldn't get mad. But they didn't, soooo who's party crashing???

R&R - R&B = JW Marriott [Copyranter]
Why "Hip Hop" Needs To Rebrand [TAN]
Kill The White People [TAN]

They Say There's A Stock Market, But My GrandPappy Says If You Can't Touch It, You Can't F*ck It

Solid read here in the Washington Post, about negroes taking their money out the stock market.

The percentage of higher-income African Americans with stock investments is trending downward, from a high of 74 percent in 2002 to 64 percent this year. The proportion of higher-income whites with stock investments stands at 83 percent, virtually unchanged since the first year of the jointly sponsored survey, 1998.
More ...

You don't really learn about the market in school. At least I didn't, and I went to fancy-schmancy schools. I think it's more of a family thing. A lifestyle, like Entourage, but not as fun and sensational ... unless you're in the know. Only generations of influence could inspire people to read the Wall Street Journal of their own volition.

*shudder*

So, it would figure that higher-income African Americans are also newly higher-income African Americans. And perhaps they read the WSJ, but there's still a nagging in the back of the head, a lynched negro hanging from a tree telling them that anyday now an old white man is going to bust into their house and say, "HAHA! We got you ni**a!!! Suckers. Just colored suckers, all of you!! *pulls out three fruity lollipops for ironic effect* You fell for the old 'buy & hold' Melanin-Man. Sheeeit, that's the oldest caucasian-con in the book. You give us your money, and we'll hold it for ya. HAHAHA!!! Well back to poverty with you negro. Black Tuesday bitches. Dems the breaks. You read the fine print. 'Past history is no guarantee of future results.' Game over son. Yeah that's right, we're gonna continue to appropriate the cool slang from your culture too ... SON! All us caucasoids are gonna split up your money. Here's a 'Ken Lay Is Still Alive' t-shirt for your trouble."

And thus you get:

"Black investors have focused on real estate and have not incorporated the stock market to the same degree as their white counterparts," said Lisa Toppin, director of human resources and diversity programs for Schwab.

You can take my HD, but you can't take my home. Hard to argue with that logic. We can only hope time continues on and we learn that Ashton "Jim Crow" Kutcher is not going to Punk us for our savings/legacy.

Race Savings Gap [Washington Post]
(thanks hermes-press.com for the cartoon)

I Think I'm Suffering From "Fuckapharmaceuticalitis"

Pharmaceutical companies are inventing diseases to sell more drugs, researchers have warned.

more ...

If we invent diseases, and then make people pay us to cure them, we can make a lot of money [BBC News]

Perhaps You Want To Run Your Fingers Through My Wooliness?

Lusty Lady, who referenced TAN and my penis letter (I'm trying to figure out another way to innocuously reference this, any suggestions???) in her column about men's obsession with size, pointed me to another column dealing with some of the same issues. Particularly as it relates to racial stereotypes.

Love Isn't Always (Color) Blind [NY Post]

It's not a long piece, but here's some teaser:

But I was less colorblind than I thought. I confess feeling particularly hip on his arm, precisely because he was black, enabling me to telegraph to the world how open-minded and sophisticated I was. I enjoying bragging rights to his accomplishments, championing how he'd overcome prejudicial hurdles to rise to the top of a world dominated by whites.

Elizabeth Hayt, columnist for the NY Post, and presumably penning her insights sometime in 1987 continues ...

Standing in the surgeon's bedroom, I was frozen with fear. It was one thing to be seen in public with him, but quite another to be naked. The darkness of his body was frighteningly exotic, so opposite my own fairness, which, by comparison, I suddenly perceived to be weak and wane. How would I touch his hair when I couldn't run my fi