Interview with a 27 Year Old Virgin

The virgin contained in this interview is REAL (also 27, female, and caucasian). Her virginity was not harmed during the course of the interview. 

So let's get the movie out of the way: 40 year old virgin, do you own it? How long? What does it mean to you? 

I've seen the movie, but don't own it. I'd rate it somewhere above Talladega Nights but below Anchorman. 

Do you like the movie more because of you sharing the story? Or less? Like if I was on La Amistad, or any slave ship, and then I watched Amistad, I could see finding it annoying ... 

Here's the misconception: all virgins are not the same. Never have I tried to lose my virginity and failed to do so. 

If the story were more like your story, in terms of it being a younger girl, would it be better or lamer? Might you become a 40-year-old virgin? 

I don't think I'd let myself make it to 40. I'm looking for love, so hopefully love will come before 40.

So who else knows The Secret? 

Well, pretty soon all of your readers. Other than that, most of my girlfriends, a handful of my guy friends, and a few guys who have broken up with me because of it. ;) 

Which do you feel more often: 1. I want to tell the world! 2. I wish no one knew about this. 

I've never wanted to tell the world...hence the promise of anonymity in exchange for this interview. 

Are you attractive? Please try and convey your attractiveness in some way so people can know if your virginity is just a symptom of being ugly. 

How do I say yes without sounding like a bitch? It's like saying I'm a virgin without sounding like a prude.  

Have you ever talked to your pootie-tang? You and her are kind of going through this together, so it seems to me that at a certain age it would be weird if you hadn't talked to her. Like at some point YOU MUST have the exchange where you say, "well kitty cat, it looks like it's just you and me tonight..." and then your poochie goes into hysterics, or falls out laughing or whatever. 

My vag has never fallen out, laughing or otherwise. But I think this is where guys and girls differ...we don't name cars or our cha-cha's. And we certainly don't talk to them. At least, I don't anyway. 

How is the "virgin cachet?" I could see it becoming the ironically cool alternative hipster thing to do. Do you ever feel like, "boy, I remember when slutty whores were all the rage -- in the 90s or whatever -- but now "virgins" are the new "slutty whores."? 

Eh - I don't think anyone sees it as the "ironically cool alternative hipster thing" to do. However, most people (women, anyway) have found it admirable. Or maybe that's just because they're my friends and don't want to say anything mean. 

Do your fantasies have people in them? or are they all like movie reenactments? Fantasies are usually some sort of creative amalgam of sexual things you've seen or experienced. But you know only movie sex, right? I imagine your fantasies are like some mashup of your top 5 movie sex scenes ... 

I'm not a fucking corpse, TAN. I'm also not retarded. I know what goes on in the bedroom, and have enjoyed a lot of the things I've done in there. So I can fantasize about that AND movie stars - a creative amalgam of sexual things I've seen and experienced. 

How can you fantasize about sex if you haven't experienced it? I remember having fantasies about all sorts of things before I tried them, but when I tried it was totally different. Do you think, for example, sex is like flying a space shuttle? 

No. I don't imagine sex is anything like flying a space shuttle. 

I'm presuming there have been attempts, could you tell us what happened on the closest attempt? 

I'm afraid I won't be explaining the details of the closest attempts, but there have been a few. 

Are there particular boys or incidents you regret, or scenarios where you wished you were more aggressive? 

I'm constantly wondering if guys would have stuck around longer had I given in earlier - but then I ask myself if I want to be with someone who'd take off so soon just because I wouldn't sleep with him. And for the record, I constantly go back and forth when answering myself. 

Do you think virgins garner the proper amount of respect on the social totem pole? Let me explain: For example, when I think of virgins I think about how little I would care for any advice they have to offer on sex/sex relationships. Say we're hanging out, and I just started dating a girl and we're getting along and I'm wondering about rushing into sex or holding out for fear of crash-and-burning, they might have an opinion but does it matter? They'd say something and I'd laugh and say, awww, that's cute. So: Do you think virgins have anything to offer a conversation largely about sexual relationships? Or a world rife with sexual politics? 

I've actually experienced you're dismissal of anything I have to say in the sex department, so I know exactly how little you care and how cute you think it is, thanks. But you do have a point, there isn't a lot a virgin can offer when it comes to discussing the act of sex or, for that matter, the way it can change the dynamic of a relationship. All we can do is listen to your wise, wise words. But I think a virgin can offer something about the benefits of waiting and, let's face it, every argument needs to be countered. So that's how you sluts can benefit from our point of view. 

Are you happy, regretful, anxious to be in your position? 

Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm anxious. But I can definitively say I've never been regretful. 

Do you think you're missing out on life? you've had to consider the possibility that the whole point of life is sex, right? Reproducing the species. How do you live with doing the one thing we were born to do? 

One of the reasons that I'm waiting is because I don't think that sex is life (Calm down...breathe. I'm aware that you disagree with me on this). I've had a great life without sex and I want to have great relationships that aren't based solely on sex. Do I think sex is important? Yea, but I want to share it with the right person (cue end-of-family sitcom "life lesson" music). Cheesy? Maybe, but I'm fine with that. 

What's your ideal de-flowering? do you even think of yourself as a flower? 

I don't think of myself as a flower. And my ideal de-virginizing has changed so much over the years. I've totally over-romanticized it at certain times, of course, but I've come to focus more on the person than the setting. Besides, if I try too hard to make it perfect, I'll only end up being disappointed. 

In general, do you think you'd rather meet a virgin boy, or Mr. Experienced-but-sensitive ....? 

I go back and forth with this one, too. But as of this minute, I want Mr. Experienced and sensitive ... is that hypocritical? Eh. 

How old do you think you need to be before you'd just rape someone to get it over with. Or at least be really non-discerning. Could you die a virgin? 

I really don't think I'd ever be non-discerning. Worst-case scenario, I'd grab one of my closest guy friends and be like, dude, do me. Talk about romantic. 

Awww, I'll be your friend, V. Thanks for the interview ...