How White Bloggers Use Exclamation Points on The Internet!

(In honor of my inclusion in the recent NYT Opinionator exploring #blacktags/the racial divide in Twitter culture, I repost some old theorizing on how white bloggers use !!!! on the internet)


ORIGINAL:

So this post about affirmative action on Gawker sparked some interesting dialogue on its own merits, but a seeming off-thread comment about how Moe, and Gawker in general, use exclamation points in excess ("when did a communicable "replace a period with an exclamation point in every third sentence (at least)" disease sweep through gawker?") struck a chord with me.

Cause it's true. Moe does use a lot of them. And so do most of the editors on the site. And many others across the nets. And I've thought about this. And so in the comments I responded (in part):

...But I now think there's legitimate ethno-cultural cachet to the usage, i.e. "exclamation points" could be an entry on Stuff White People Like. 

I mean, it's an easy way to add energy or personality or whathaveyou to writing, especially if you're churning out posts like some sort of machine that churns out a lot of stuff. But you really don't see it much on black, hip hop, or other ethnic blogs. Knahmean? [ed:I think they/we might do more coding through slanguage. Feel me?] 

In any event, since hanging around blogger/bledia types I do more drinking, smoking, and using of exclamation points. So I think it's a grammatical representation of some part of the assimilation process!...

And I couldn't get the thought out of my head....

Seems to me there are two types of exclamation points:

The first kind are the ones lots of people use. The ones that come big, or in different colors, and used to be a remedial tool for conveying excitement in advertising/marketing. Someday spammers might figure out a way to enhance them so much that they smoke and sparkle, and pop out and shoot lasers all so you know what that hole on the top of your OJ is for.

holla!

Dear TAN: Is Perez Hilton Always This Racist?

My book, Negropedia, Touré's book, Baratunde's book coming soon, all seem to pose the question of: what does racism look like today? And, is it to be taken seriously, or with a sense of humor. And I guess the answer is: Perez Hilton is still a racist!



Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: The metaphysics of Perez Hilton's racism!

Dear TAN,

For whatever reason, I've found myself skimming his site for the past week or so.

Check this out: "She joined by some dude name Zalon. In this alternative universe, the white bitch is rapping, while the black guy is singing the sweet melodies. Go figure!"

Or this one: "Also, Whoopi Goldberg eats fried chicken - and we love her for it!"

???? I like to err on the side of not accusing people of being bigots, but I don't even know how else to interpret these. Do you follow the site regularly? Are these just aberrations, or part of a trend?

- Not Terribly PC

~~

Notes on Andover's Rap Video

Over at Grantland:

Last week, the Internet weighed in on "The Andover Song" with chuckles, snark, and furrowed-brow curiosity. The prevailing sentiment seemed to be: Let’s drag every bit of this video around a manicured lawn and play ultimate Frisbee over its carcass. Die, Andover rap video! Die!

But there are lessons to be learned here, ones valuable enough to be taught at a prep school. We can break the issues up into “Not a problem” and “This is a Problem."



1. Not a Problem: Earnest rap

The most immediate cringe-factor with this video is how earnest and cloying it is. But the “genre” of earnest rap (or “educated rap”), in itself, is not a problem. Overstuffed, too-literal rap suffers from a disconnect between teaching and being cool. Sort of like a history teacher putting on skinny jeans, a leather jacket, and aviators to teach you about Freddie Knuckles (that’s Nietzsche, btw). But the teacher is not the problem. It’s the execution.

We should encourage fearlessness when it comes to trying too hard. Earnest failures are the ones that count. If it comes from an authentic place, the execution can be worked on. The dude with the braces and Celtics shirt, well, if you can say “the school molds to everybody like a mattress pad” and not snort on yourself in the process, you’re probably a well-meaning, glass-half-full dude who should be given a chance to lose the braces and develop a sense of style. No less than Jay-Z, Eminem, and Kanye were mediocre emcees when they started. Why? Too earnest. Jay was an overzealous fast-rapper. Em was boring and just overwrought w/rhyme schemes. And Kanye, well, we know the story.

(CONTINUED ON GRANTLAND)

Watch the Diploma: Andover Rap Video [Grantland]

Who's Got Next: Which Ethnic Minority Will Follow Obama In Office?

(The NY Mag feature on Wesley Yang's Asian-American identity crisis made me think about this old post on Who Will Be America's Next Minority President. Asian, Puerto Rican, Female, gay? And how will they express their authentic-assimilated brand of identity politics? I CAN'T WAIT. the best part is, IT HAS TO HAPPEN, because what cultural or ethnic minority can run for office without some "hi-signing" about their roots? It makes me think the GOP messed up back in the days by putting their devil[ed] eggs in the Steele/Palin basket. Now I think the only way they beat O is with a GOPecan-Rican. amirite?)

ORIGINAL:

I wonder what a "Puerto Rican Obama" would be like.

Would he/she charm America by dropping just enough español in the speeches? (he/she would have gone to Yale or some Ivy, obviously, so it's not like all he does is hablas español. Just saying, it's part of his charm.)

We've gotten a little spice this season con, "si se puede!" Now throw in a little "Ahora!!" o "me gusta el culo más grande!!!" and I'm confident we could get primed up for cambiar all over again.

But yeah, who's gonna get that Freedom-To-Dream USA Certification next?

Because, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that's what the superlative nature of the celebration seems to be about, right? The African-Americans have graduated! On their own merit! One got through the labyrinthine maze to power (a cool one we've been rooting for, like Ratatouille), and now we can really, truly look at them with the deep down respect they deserve. And that's so awesome!

And it's true. All you non African-American ethnics, let me tell you, it's pretty cool being official right now. I'm already drawing Obama's face on all my money, yo. Five Baracks gets me a macbook pro, cashmere hoodie, and an hipster chick that appreciates it ... And she expresses her love through comments on my blog.

I Know That You Know That We Need A NEGROPEDIA...

...well, it's coming soon

drops 10/4. I think the pre-order is up and available

HOLLA

In Search of TAN Magazine...

via

Where For Art Thou Black Lady Gaga?

I've caught the Lady Gaga fever of late. Methinks the proof for her legitimacy is in the live acoustic pudding.

When she's sitting at the piano doing her hipster-glam-quirky Amy Winehouse meets Alicia Keys (Alicia Winehouse?) thing we get a more intimate feel for the song itself, along with her naked vocals (vs. nude body suits, etc), and her own personal charm/isma.



and Paparazzi is a pretty tight piece of songwriting craftsmanship ...



Compare those with her official cinematic vids for those two songs and you have a spectacular case study for "Art over Artists".

Then her recent American Music Award exhibit is a nice capper on a string of raising-the-bar performance art stage shows.



I'm excited she and Kanye are schmoozing, I feel she represents exactly the over-the-top fantastical sensibility hip hop emcees struggle to assimilate into their own "art". Kanye is surely inspired by the ambition of her whole Artist Presence. Also, Beyonce. This video with her and Lady G is fairly compelling dreamscaping ...



Gaga says herself she played it down out of respect for the B, but I still think Beyonce holds her end down as Superstar Presence. (it's a video that raises other questions as well: for example LG schtick seems "post-racial" and Beyonce's def has a "black/racial" quality (is it just the hips, etc?) to it. what does that mean?) ... but either way - as to the race/culture angle on all this, per TAN commentary objective C-1-4.2 -- negroes need more of this kind-of-crazy so maybe B's alter-ego Sasha Fierce and Kanye's alter ego, uh, Kanye West could make some sort of Amorphous bi-inquisitive Black Lady Gaga superartist. it's like a homosexual black dude who raps, video-hoes, and plays the flute all at the same time. And lights his balls on fire at the end of every show. And he's twelve. A 12-year-old ball-lighting cello-farting falsetto-beatboxing prodigy. From a broken home in a forgotten hood. And diddy discovers him. And he blogs. And he's me. Or am I him? Or am I a she? Kanye Fierce: flute-fart-beatboxer extraordinaire? perhaps, perchance to dream bwahahahahaheehehehehoohohohoh, uhhhh, o-k-bai......

About TAN: Web Hunk, 4.0

The Houston Chronicle included Patrice Evans, TAN, The Assimilated Negro in their gallery of Web Hunks today. Indeed, as you suspected, the Apocalypse is nigh!

Since I don't want to just be ogled as a savory hunky piece of melanin-meat laptop. Here are some links:

Hip Hop Stuff:
Will "Keeping It Real" Ever Go Right?
Is Elzhi Deeper Than John Updike?
Maybe We Should Just Hand Hip Hop Over to the Ladies?

Racial, Post-Racial Stuff:
Black People film boobs like this, White People film boobs like that
The 4 Horsemen of the Post-Racial Apocalypse
Negropedia Brown and the Case of the World White Web

Matrices, Video, and Random Hits & Misses on/for Gawker stuff:
The Morality Matrix
A Bronx Tale: In Search of Sonia Sotomayor
Does Weed Have "5" On the Economy?
miscellany

House of Hot-Ass Interviews: including The Roots, Sasha Grey, Larry Wilmore and, uh, still more... (?)

100 Things About TAN: this is kinda old, but, y'know, has a personal facebooky touch.

What Else???
sports head: not so much recently, but for nbc new york, deadspin, fanhouse and others in the past. I also think the Mets Are Better Than Sex.

I've done readings: about letters to my genitals, and sex on shrooms.

book deal, "Negropedia" is no longer the title, fyi.

There's more if you want to noodle around, but I'm guessing that should be plenty to scare you away at this point. But before you go: PLEASE SUBSCRIBE -- i don't blog-churn out volumes, but there is more, bigger, better in store. And Subscriptions allow you to keeps tabs from a safe distance, and maybe I won't have to whore my body out for internet celebrity currency. it's like saving an african baby, except i went to prep school and live in nyc.

Obama Trying to Get His Hands Around Global Warming?

UPDATE: with retraction/apology.

This is the presidential sitcom moment right before both Barack and Sarkozy face front and see their beautiful wives glaring at them.


I think we can skip to the end and award this "picture of the year". I also anticipate more photos of Obama walking Bo by himself in the future. And maybe doing lots of other things by himself. (Which actually does raise the questions of whether Mr. Obama, y'know, occasionally rubs one out before a big speech or something. It might seem obvious that he does, it's just natural, but I could see feeling self-conscious about such things if you're President. And is there really any privacy in the White House? I don't know. If he does, i bet that first one carried some extra tension, or emotion, or something)

But I guess our Ass Commander in Chief won't actually be by himself; Sarkozy looks committed to the role of giggling-sidekick-wingman. Is he not about to elbow Barack, and be like "not bad eh, EH"?

This is TAN, though, and it wouldn't be right if we didn't add a couple more pics of powerful black men where the thought bubble is pre-scripted with a "DAAAAAAM"



Actually Diddy's thought bubble seems like it's more complicated than that.

Will 'Keeping It Real" Ever Go Right?

One of my favorite sketches from the popular and missed-more-every-second Chappelle's Show was called "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong". The sketch basically satirized the whole sensibility of "Uncle Tom" and "Keeping It Real" and "Politics of Authenticity/Identity" that can lead to denying your come-up in the world, i.e when success = sellout. And ... well let me not explain when we can watch it; it's only a couple minutes and well worth it:

[quick aside: in my first days at college i was a little notorious for breaking out animated-recitations-of-hip-hop-refrains as non-sequitur answers to normal class conversation, aka rapping in class. so for example, in my freshman seminar, i don't remember if this was the exact line, but imagine something to the effect of:

Teacher: "So, Patrice, what do you think about the summer reading? Could you relate to the protagonist's struggle in Manchild in the Promised Land?"

TAN: "I'LL THROW IT DOWN YOUR THROAT LIKE BARKLEY. YOU SEE THE CAR KEYS??? YOU'LL NEVER GET THESE!!" and then just look at the teacher like nothing out of the ordinary happened. it was pretty much the mid-90s college version of "when keeping it real goes wrong."]

So as with most good comedy, there's some other darker stuff lurking underneath.

The Four Horsemen of the Post-Racial Apocalypse

You don't need an old man farting in public to know how hot Black is at the moment. The melanin is straight up fire these days, son. Sometimes it feel like the whole United States of Obama is throwing up their hands to chorus: N to the izz-E, GR to the izz-O right now.

Grabbing the mic like, "We did it for our culture...".

Welcome to the Post-Racial Apocalypse, Now.

Yes, there's that post-buzzword buzzword that titillates the MultiCulturati. You read it in the newspapers, or while browsing the Post-Racial Porn section of your local video store. You see it in the blue-green-tangerine eyes of mixed-race-babies-with-the-pretty-hair on every urban professional street corner. At night you may spot it on the walls, capitalized in red horror-movie-blood italics: "POST-RACIAL!". Or maybe even on some girl's behind written in Juicy-Coutoure cursive. I have no links, but trust me, it's everywhere. A ten-letter reminder of the looming tectonic shift in the foundation of America's cultural infrastructure.

All signs point to Yes: the post-racial apocalypse is coming! It’s the end of racism. Or at least the end of abiding by a lot of White bullish! Either way: sound the alarm, and call out the exclamation points:

Look on yon horizon, the end is nigh! The signs are all around us, we are surrounded: Oprah controls media! Tiger has conquered sports! Will Smith charms the world via music and movies! And now, Obama, leads us all to the promised land! -- We hope! -- Using powers derived from their adamantium melanin-mutation they have become invincible; they are the four horsemen of the post-racial apocalypse!

Like the Great Pyramids, these four kings are less human and more force of nature; avatars of Black America's will to power. They are pillars on which a legacy of consequence and respect can be built. If life were a baseball game, they would be our Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle and DiMaggio.

So give them some love/dap if you're lucky enough to see them:

THE QUEEN

Name: Oprah

Horse: Media

Story:

Black Power: The Razor-Edged Sword of Black Cool.




+

THE WARRIOR

Name: Tiger Woods

Horse: Sports

Story: Tiger, due to his “Cablinasian” background, is more like an adopted brother to the cause, but he has played a critical role in bringing about this Post-Racial Apocalypse.



+

THE KING

Name: Barack Obama

Horse: Politics

Story:

The Final Seal: Only black guy who can smack his woman's ass on a national stage and make everyone love it and yell: Holla!



PROPHECY TOLD IN NEEEEEGRPOOOOOOPEEEEEEDIIIAAA

images:
black-and-sexy
Oprah
Will

Old White People Being Racist Is The New Farting In Public

Saw this post on Gawker about Larry King's recent run of ridiculous, uh, rhetoric, and, OMG, I do believe Barack Obama has made racism adorable!

I mean, listening to Larry getting worked up about how "Blacks are in!" and how even his son wants to be black (which he probably just misunderstood when the son mumbled, "I want to be anyone but Larry King's wack-ass anachronistic son ..." oh, I'm just kidding Dr. King, look at your hair over there on the right, WHEEEE!) and it's just sooooo cute.
(partial clip via Think Progress)



(Gawker has a better, i.e. more racist, clip with the audio from his other gaffe insinuating how Black Presidents are a gateway drug to Lesbian Presidents.)

See in an older more antiquated time, back when Larry could only interview dinosaurs (ha!), this type of thing would have put the whole Race Police SWAT Infantry A-Team on terror alert. Martin Luther King would have been mentioned, lawsuits would be filed, and Larry would have been sending mad black kids to broadcasting school, yo.

But these days we think WWOD. And Obama knows Larry means no harm. He'd laugh it off, or, if he was in Harlem, brush the dirt off his shoulders.

So now, faced with such silliness, instead of starting a riot, all you want to do is run over and pinch his jowls as hard as you can and ask him if the adorably racist old man can show me how old he is with his fingers *smiles and points at Larry* yessss, you, I"m talking to youuuu, how old are youuuuuu my racist shmookypants bummdy vooo viiivooovuuuveeegee....10, 20 ... mmm-hmmm, 30, 40, ... oooo you're old aren't you ... 50, 60 ...

*...still counting fingers.....*

Not that I'm overly familiar with this scenario, yet, but it strikes as an offense along the lines of an old man farting in public: Most people laugh. Some are embarrassed. Some might even get offended-- Just cause you're an old white guy doesn't mean you can go around farting in public, mister!

Awww, but I don't think that Larry. You go fart all you want. You ain't doin' nobody any real harm aside from stinking up the air a little bit.

TAN Caption: Awww, Little Black Stripey Scarf Is Lost

awwww ... don't you want to just grab her and have a college orientation program on race and whatnot?


more caps:

If you're ethnic and you know it clap your hands drink a beer *sip, sip*

raise your hand if you're sure! hold your hands close to your sides and look around nervously if you're unsure.

could anyone here point me to Africa-America? .... anyone.... anyone ... Bueller ... anyone ...Bueller ... anyone here see Ferris Bueller? .... anyone ... i'm just trying to make small talk and fit in here people ... Ferris Bueller ... Matthew Broderick ... anyone .... Bueller...

(sorry if that's you, it's all fun and games until someone cries over a blog. you're beautiful.)

photo via

Welcome To Post-Racial Fight Club!

Jewcy asked me to do a quick blog on one of these post-racial articles that are in mass abundance. In responding I discovered Post-Racial Fight Club. Here's a tease:

... I think the biggest ingredient missing from these stews of post-racial analysis are white people; this Post-Racial Identity crisis is not so much about Black identity as much as it is about White identity being scaled back down to size, thereby allowing everyone else to look a little more important. Perhaps even more than the Obama t-shirts we see everywhere, the book/blog Stuff White People Like is the prominent post-racial avatar that signals change is underway.

After all, we're somewhat versed in Black identity politics, hence Obama putting on his du-rag for a campaign speech. But White people have long been able to lump their particular sensibilities under the broad label of "mainstream" or "american". This was always best represnted by the position of President, leader of the free world, and presumably white bred, white educated, etc. etc. Now it's different. Now we know the first family doles out dap, and quotes hip hop lyrics. Good times.

So, not wanting to be passive and redundant, it seems the only step in further understanding what matters in the world now is to start a Post-Racial Fight Club. So here we go:

Welcome to Post-Racial Fight Club.

The first rule of Post-Racial Fight Club is you must talk about Post-Racial Club, A LOT!

The second rule of Post-Racial Fight Club is you must talk about Post-Racial Fight club some more!

See, when you use the term "post-racial" you can't help but seem smart and aware and progressive. Go ahead, say it to someone who went to college.... doesn't it feel good? Don't you feel better about yourself? I know I do. So next party, make sure you bring it up, especially if any members of the Multi-Culti are in attendance.

The third rule of Post-Racial Fight Club is if someone says "stop, you don't understand their people's struggle" and points to an historical tragedy where you can see the legacy of it still in effect today, the fight is over ... continued...

Post-Racial Fight Club [Jewcy]
Original Rules of Fight Club

women should get down with Post-Racial Fight Club too

cat fight club
woman fight club

Post-Racial Is Not PostModern

Well this is apropos of nothing, but -- well it might be a little apropos of white journalists everywhere raising their hand saying they got a little something on "postracial america".

So yeah, it's been great reading about post-racial this and that, I don't have to wear Karl Kani anymore etc. etc. But while it's cool that some brothers and sisters are using the premise to get themselves a byline and all, the proliferation of the term within a mostly white media establishment feels a little weird.

I suspect it's because we treat "post-racial" like it's "postmodern". So instead of "modernity/modernism" we're past/post "race". Both of them being these social/intellectual constructs we created.

But here's the problem: "We" didn't create nothing. This is all some white ish.

Look: "race as a social construct" is a brain-nugget that came from a white person. Period. Ain't no old slave-timey Wendy Williams start that little rumor. A black person is black, and if you get him to say he's a construct it's because you also got him to pay some $200K to "learn theyself sumthin'."

When I got one of my first Assimilated Badges by getting pubbed on McSweeneys, I was so excited to get my Eggers Stripes that I threw on my Timz and white t-shirt and found a gypsy cab to take me straight to Harlem (turns out I lived there, but I still took the cab). Then I got out and told all my ghetto hood crack-slingin' black friends about my achievement:

The Assimilated Negro (TAN): Look! McSweeney's ran my 'Objective Perspective on Black History" bit. Dude, isn't that awesome.

Just Another Negro (JAN): Mc-who? And don't be callin' me dude, n.

TAN: McSweeeeneys. Dave Eggers? Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Duh.

JAN: *slings some crack*

TAN: whatever. you don't know because you're too busy listening to the rap music and stealing iphones, but this means a lot to the people who run this country.

JAN: Con Edison and Child Support run my family, fam.

TAN: hmph. look, i posted this on my blog so i'm gonna go check my email in the Starbucks real quick. I'll brb.

JAN: *slings some crack*

TAN: ok. back. I can't believe you guys aren't giving me any love on the McSweeneys move.

JAN: look TAN, we up on McSweeneys. Alright? But honestly we just don't give a f about some website doing ish like, "Interview With A White Pot Who Calls Kettles 'Whatever The Hell He Feels Like Calling Them'". Or whatever other nonsense they do.

JAN2: Ha. Yeah, McSweeneys be like "early bird gets the worm" and I be like "early bird gets the white worm cause them the only mofos who show up early" hahahaha. Send that to McSweeneys, n.

TAN: McSweeneys don't be like anything... although they might actually go for something like that.

JAN: Yeah we know, but it's not our bag. Congrats though, TAN. Keep doing your thing, god. We'll do ours.

TAN: ok. so can I take off these timz and put back on my flip-flops?

JAN: yeah, son.

TAN: can i also put on some Feist

JAN2: yeah, i actually like Feist also.

JAN3: yo, I would f the ish out of Feist. She could get it.

TAN: true. ok. I'm gonna go now.

annnd ... scene

Look, I like the cauc postmodern humor. I love it even. I think its very funny. Stuff like Demetri Martin. Soooo cuuute. And it's real nice to have in the DVR list when you bring your hipster chick back to the crib and want things to get a little, um, postracial.

But I also know that if I didn't go to a private prep school and a New England liberal arts college I would have no appreciation for it. It's a sensibility I grew into. Black people (and other minos) have to go to school and learn (earn?) a ticket aboard the train of indulgent-thoughts. We have to cultivate that air of entitlement. We are not born with the same sense of Seinfeldian smug.

The humor of the idle mind is an acquired taste, and it's acquired through -- wait for it -- being idle. Going to college and not having real concerns about $ and food and getting in trouble for doing drugs. It's nice, every person deserves some time to themselves to think about, say, what their toenail might say to a real nail. Bound to be hilarious if you marinate with it long enough.

But these postracial/postmodern articles are so self-serious. And here's the thing: if you're at a cocktail party and someone starts getting serious about "postmodernism", you know they're full of ish. White people may indulge, Black people may indulge, but everyone knows they're just showing off their edumacation.

A word like 'postmodern" is the equivalent of liberal-arts bling. Deconstructionism, b*tches! You flash it, but you don't really need to. You never need to. You can either philosophize like a human, very simply: love. sex. hate. men. women. race. intelligence. peace. war. education. science. technology. Whatever you want. But there's no sentence in the world that contains the word "postmodern" that couldn't be rephrased more simply.

Take it from someone who will drop the term at first brush of a blonde-girl's hair against the behind of the horse on my polo shirt.

But i went to school and spent was given a lot of money so i could make my bullish sound hot and use big words to coax upwardly mobile women into sleeping with me. Poaching smart chicks is one of my sole luxury vices, and I own it.

Anyramble, this is all to say that a lot of these articles are conflating postracial and postmodernism and it cheapens the impact of identifying this moment in time as some sort of new era. There is something amiss, but postracial as defined by postmodernists is the same quaker oatmeal y'all been spooning to us for sometime now. And I'm not eating it, dammit!

If you want to call it something I say call it "Post Abiding-by-alot-of-white-bullish". Cause that's what postmodernism is, white bullish. And that's what most these articles are talking about when they use the term postracial.

And I also have to point out that of course postracial isn't really about Obama, but all about 2050. That's when we'll get to dictate the smartypants jargon up in this piece.

Postmodernists, prepare yourselves.

holla.

coulter
postmodern