Star Wars: Revenge of the Trumpet

Best Week Ever found and nailed the analysis of this video. But after reading it, I just don't know if I should clue you in on whether this is really Stupendous, or Stupendously Awful. Seems like the surprise and suspense could be an added bonus. So I guess I'll only say that you definitely want to watch the video below and find out.

UPDATE: I guess a teaser on the laser-blaster pantomime and Charlie Chaplin impression is also necessary. NOW go watch:



SPOILER ALERT: My favorite comment is this one about the dog attacking the computer speakers upon hearing the performance.

Most Amazing Video Of A Girl Playing Star Wars On The Trumpet EVER [BWE]

Cracka Crackdown: Baby Served By Breakdancer Edition

You may have appropriated hip hop, but that doesn't mean your babies can just go wandering into our breakdancing circles without suffering the consequences:

What Do You Mean Bush Doesn't Like Black People?

He loves us! He really really loves us!!
(via stereohyped)

Cracka Crackdown: Nappy-Headed Imus Edition

Easter actually came early last week when fossilized talk-show host Don Imus returned from the dead just in time to refer to the Rutgers women's basketball team as a bunch of "nappy-headed hoes" and cause a hubbub. If you missed it, here's the video footage (with Billy Packer using the word "fag" as a bonus at the end). Donosaur Imus would later apologize and agree to buy a black kid a cup of coffee for a month.

As usual with these scenarios you have the contingent that says there's no real problem with this, and Imus is actually a victim. This group is comprised of 99% white people who point to guys like Chris Rock, or Chappelle, or um, TAN, and say, "hey if he gets to make race jokes, so can us crackas." Or they might say, "if you can use the word cracka, we can call you a jigaboo."

Here's the problem with that theory: IT'S F'ING WRONG!

Listen crackas, I'm not saying it's fair, or that it's not a double standard. It totally is. But guess what? American apple pie is filled with double-standards, injustices, and transfatlie goodness... but no apples! And since regulating usage of racial humor and epithets is one of the few things we can do with any sort of legitimate authority, excuse us if we're not in any rush to let crackas like Imus and Michael Richards go all kkkrazy with their repressed racist feelings. All we have is the race-card; y'all have the everything-else card. So just fall back and let us lynch a cracka when they act out of line, okay? If Jay-Z calls me a ni**a, I'm gonna bob my head and hold up the ROC sign. If my boy says "waddup ni**a," I'm going to say "Holla!" (or something like that). If an old white guy who used to play shuffleboard with Jesus' grandfather calls me a "nappy-headed blog-ho," I'm going to try to kill him at the least demand an apology.

This is much better than y'all coming off some real $$$ for some serious reparations, so stop your complaining crackas. Word.

Cracka CrackDown! - Industry Rule #4080 ...

Cracka Crackdown returns on Channel Okay today. Today's subject is Diane Kleiman, the woman trying to get over on 2007 NYC Man of The Year Wesley Autrey with a crappy contract. Excerpt:

So back when Wesley Autrey, the man who jumped on the train tracks in the face of an oncoming subway to save a stranger, was all over the news, I was so impressed I suggested everyone should change their rap name to Wesley Autrey. But who knew Wesley would embrace the independent rapper role so completely, even going so far as to sign a preposterously unfair contract that he's now looking to get out of.

I think Wesley will settle his dispute more easily than your average unknown emcee, because unlike the open-mic wannabe who's just droning on about themselves (haven't you heard? blogging's the new rapping), Wesley Autrey is a legitimate superhero. He's pretty much impervious to criticism, so there's no way you're going to get a judge or jury to agree with continuing to give him the shaft.

The shaft-giver in this case is one Diane Kleiman, who I couldn't actually confirm as a cracka, but I'm feeling confident can safely be placed in that category. If she's black, then I'm going to church on Sunday...

continued on The Big O...

Ku Klux Kramer: The Saga Continues

Lukas Kaiser has made an amusing moshup/remix of Kramer's Racist Rant(™), and some clips from Seinfeld.



Found via Gawker, Complex

Also, here's a post with "Kramer's" apology on Letterman, which is fascinating in its own right, for the studio laughter, and his subsequent vehemence in trying to express ... I don't know what he was trying to express actually.

Kramer Is A Racist ... Remix [LukasKaiser]
Michael Richards Apologizes to Afro-Americans For Force-Field Of Hate [Gawker]
Ku Klux Kramer [TAN]

Ku Klux Kramer

TMZ has video of Michael Richards, better known as "Kramer" on Seinfeld, going on a racially-charged rant after two black people heckle him in a comedy club in LA.

The camera started rolling just as Richards began his attack, screaming at one of the men, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass." Richards continued, "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf**ker. Throw his ass out. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!"

The video is interesting as it's not just a totally manic rant, well it is, but he becomes self-consciously aware of the impending controversy, and eventually tries to appeal to the crowd, "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."

When is a word that's just a word, not just a word? I can understand the confusion for white people. You loved Chappelle's Show. You see an offensive character like Borat become a box-office superstar. And you've got a guy like Damon Wayans trying to trademark the word. There is obviously a rising comfort level. And it's not just wacky entertainers like Kramer, teachers are letting it just roll off the tongue also. But it's best to just let it go, don't go there. It's not edgy coming from you. Maybe after we get a black president, we'll feel a little more secure in our position, and adjust some of the laws regarding "n-word" usage, but for now hold back. The double-standard remains in effect, ni**as can say it, crackas can't. Sorry.

Kramer's Racist Tirade [TMZ]
Trademarking Racism [TAN]
"Can You Loan A Ni**ah A Pencil?" [TAN]

The Assimilation Exchange: Now Illustrated!!

Brandon, the indomitable illustrator imself, gave me something for the Cracka Crackdown!! feature on TAN.

So after doing The Ass-Ex, I asked him if he had any ideas for that, and I think he nailed down another classic.


Brandon, Fearless Illustrator [loosenut studio]
The Assimilation Exchange [TAN]
Cracka Crackdown!! [TAN]

Holy Pedophile-Mongering Batman!!!

I couldn't believe this story in the Daily News (found via Gawker):

Cute-as-a-button child star Dakota Fanning, who turned 12 in February, is venturing into sexually disturbing territory in a movie being filmed in North Carolina.

The screenplay for "Hounddog" - a dark story of abuse, violence and Elvis Presley adulation in the rural South, written and directed by Deborah Kampmeier - calls for Fanning's character to be raped in one explicit scene and to appear naked or clad only in "underpants" in several other horrifying moments.

more ...

Wow... I was going to make this a Cracka Crackdown!, but then I didn't want to get race-y. No quotes from Dakota, but her mother and agent think the role could net her an Oscar (presumably in addition to the head issues). Not surprisingly the movie is having trouble finding investors, but apparently the rape scene is already in the can. Which leaves me surprised it's not more than a gossip bit.

It'll be interesting to see how this resolves. If this film gets to theaters, let alone wins an oscar, that will be one helluva precedent. Apocalypse Nigh. Lock your doors. Hide your children.


Lloyd Grove's Lowdown [NY Daily News]
Gossip Roundup [Gawker]

Cracka CrackDown! - The Pandemic Rages On

More sightings of "ironic rap" (iro-rap, i-raps, rony-rap?) (maybe spoof hip-hop, spip-hop?) (crackers rapping, crack-raps?), these two were sent in by fellow concerned citizens.

The first is a more biblical take on the Sir MixAlot classic "Baby Got Back." Spotted by Emily, it's called:

Baby Got Book

*sigh*

Then we have another you-tuber, Jamie Kennedy & Co. in "Rolling with Saget"



If you are caucasian, and you have never tried rapping before, I hereby advise you to get yourself vaccinated immediately.

Cracka Crackdown! - The ASS-EX [TAN]
Cracka Crackdown! - The Eminettes!!! [TAN]

Do All Caucasian Females Secretly Desire To Be Black Rappers, Or Just These Girls?

This trend of ANYONE rapping is really getting interesting.

Perhaps you've seen this, perhaps not, but here's a woman spitting a hot traffic-report freestyle.






So the question is, do you trade lacrosse in harlem parking lots for every rhythmless spaz taking at stab at the microphone?

The Assimilation Exchange. Forget AMEX, it's all about ASS-EX. Does the ASS-EX favor negro or caucasian? Tempting to say negro. We do get to share in the laugh on Jodie and the Eminettes and gain a sport. But some [of us] may be like I TAKE THIS HIP HOP SHIT SERIOUS SON!! This is the cost of mainstream appeal. Feels like your converting a nice balanced meal into popcorn and candy. More people may buy it, but is it good?

Who knows? I just highlight the words and make the links.

Ladies & Germs I Present , The Eminettes!!! [TAN]
You Kids Go Play In That Parking Lot. Yeah, The One With The Cars [TAN]

Cracka CrackDown! - "Too Many Crackas Rapping" Edition

Ok. Most everyone was down with the SNL "Lazy Sunday" Chronicles of Narnia song/video. You might not have agreed with Slate's Josh Levin that it could save hip hop, but it was certainly funny and entertaining.

Then the Natalie Portman joint dropped. And of course Natalie's so hot-cute that it'd be impossible to hate on her. Plus she was pretty funny. But the laugh wasn't as full-bellied as before. Those who listened close heard the faint whisper (gasp?) of concern underneath the bemused chortling. Was it a free-for-all on rappin' crackas ?? Natalie represented a dangerous line, and the risk was obvious.

Sure enough ... The Tipping Point - starring Jodie Foster.




Ahhh, the bittersweet taste of assimilation. No one ever said it was going to be all interracial mating, Eminem (in his prime), and seersucker shorts. But regardless, I'm thinking that's just about a wrap on the middle-aged women rapping at graduation ceremonies. Please surrender your microphone to the nearest person of color. Thanks for playing.

(yes, I discovered this later than others)
Jodie Covers Em [stereogum]
Calves Yes, Rapping No [No Parachute]
Lamest Speech Award [The Superficial]
~
Cracka CrackDown! - Enron Edition [TAN]

Cracka CrackDown! - Enron Edition

HOLLA!

Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling were found guilty of five million counts of fraud today. "The Man" suffers a huge blow to the kidney, and virtue shines down upon us. Sentencing is appropriately enough scheduled for 9/11 also known as The Day You Don't Schedule Anything On Day.

I wonder if there's any living judge or potential jury member who'd be willing to overturn the Enron verdict in an appeal. No one wants to be in that position. You would legitimately have to be worried about assassination. And no one worries about assassination anymore.

(what's up with that, where have all the assassins gone? There's certainly plenty of people worthy of assassination...)

Anyenron, this is hotness. I feel like there should be tons of downtown parties with DJs and open bars celebrating Sticking It To The Man Day. We might have to make The Cracka Crackdown a regular feature...

pour a little liquor for guilty of five million counts.

tonight, ... we drink to justice!