Protect the Internet!

Something is rotten in Congress.

I don't know much, but many of the major blogging platforms and a lot of high-profile websites are pleading for folks to make their voices heard about possible new legislation that will allow entertainment companies to essentially censor the internet (protecting the corporations copyright over individual free speech, is what I understand to be the essence). Here's a video:

   
PROTECT IP Act Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.

Read more:

American Censorship Day
Fred Wilson: Architecture of the Internet
BoingBoing: Stop SOPA, Save the Internet
EFF: Hollywood Finally Gets Chance to Break Internet
The legislation itself: Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA)
Ars Technica: House makes bad internet censorship bill worse

and there's plenty more if you dig around on any of those sites. but mostly I think aggregate clicks and presence from the collective voice of the internet is needed, so spread the word. use the American Censorship Day link, or Tumblr's Protect the Net page.

WIth This Orgasm I Thee Wed

It recently dawned on me that I don’t like girls. I like girls cumming.

Don't get me wrong, girls are awesome. I don't dislike them. They're all hot and stuff. And it's cute to see them laughing. But as smoking as you may be, every girl goes up a notch when she's cumming. 

Whenever I'm on a date or something it's sort of like yeah, blah blah, you like the museum, you like shopping, you like poetry, blahbity blah. And I'm always rocking the sly smile, and thinking, yeah you might like those things .... but you ain't gonna be talkin' about none of that ish when you're cumming tonight. The only spoken words for this evening are: Oh. My. God. 

It's the ultimate equalizer. If you can get them all flushed and winded and out of control and trembling and just ..... mmmmm. You feel like the Lebron James of labias who just went baseline and dunked on her dome, and you want to stand there and taunt, “Take that!! What say your years of feminist empowerment theory now, beeotch???” 

Cause that's when it's most satisfying, with these haughty you-can't-do-nothing-for-me girls. Pffft. Although young girls are nice also. Like under 30. I almost think young girls getting the business is something that demands federal regulation. It's like legal slavery. You break off a good one and you can go ahead and hook the plow up around her neck and have her till the fields or whatever. I got my 40 Acres and A Girl I made cum last night.

Of course this is a lot of tough talk and bravado, and I know there are a couple girls reading this thinking, naaaahhhh TAN, I know you, you ain't no Lebron James son. I've certainly had my fair share of depressing nights where I've had nothing to work with but two cold eyes staring at me while I jigger-jigger away, “um, yeah, your little wrap-around-and-diddling-my-doodle thing might have worked on that virgin, but I need less limp noodle and more beef in my Lo Mein, nah mean.” Or at least, that's what the asian chicks say. 

Fact is, if you're an alcoholic and blessed with an Okey Dokey Pokey, some swings-and misses are inevitable. But it doesn't change the point. Come to think of it, I don't think I'm friends with any girls who I've swung-and-missed with. Strictly enemies. No love. No emails. Just spit in my face if I happen to cross their path. So again, it just goes to show, it's not about the girl, it's about her orgasm. The rest is all blahbity-blah. 

I think that's all I have to say. Now .... bring on the weekend!!!

Negro 101: Yo Son, What is Up With The Kids Saying "Son" All The Time?

[TAN: OLD SCHOOL. LIKE YO MTV RAPS, BUT BLOGGIER. STILL WAITING FOR OBAMA TO DROP A "SON" ON 'EM. IT'S COMING DURING REELECTION SEASON...]

In the comments of a recent Dear TAN, the esteemed Orange poses a question:

How come "son" tacked onto something, often in a somewhat admonitory fashion, is a black thing? Why hasn't this caught on among white folks? Can we get some unassimilated etymology here?

wonderful question. sometime in the past decade (i'm pretty sure it was chappelle, but haven't actually run the numbers) the slang term "son" crossed over into mainstream. like real MAINstream. Oprah could use it as a quip (she probably has). Judd Apatow is writing it into a script as we speak. I'd take some odds on Obama dropping it sometime in the next four years. (especially if these journys want to keep asking tough questions. Obama's definitely gonna snap on someone like, "YO SON, I TOLD YOU WE WAS GONNA ISSUE A MOTHERF'ING STATEMENT NEXT MOTHERF'ING WEEK. DO YOU WANT TO ASK ANOTHER QUESTION, SON? No seriously, do you?")

Anyson, I disagree that white people aren't using it. Maybe normal white people aren't using it? But there aren't [m]any of those left here in NYC (ha!). And for that matter, normal black people aren't using it either. (fyi, I'd draw the line of normalcy somewhere around 35-36 years old.)

The term has definitely graduated though. It's in the urban slang Hall of Fame. It didn't break in with the inaugural class of superstar slang like, "dope" "word" "fresh" "wack" etc. Or the suspect second generation of "phat" and "jiggy". But now it's got the necessary votes. word.

And it's a nice piece of slang, especially when you know about it ... so herewith is a brief lesson on "son" history/usage:

Why TIME's 'Best Blogs of 2010' List Makes Me Sad

When I last plugged into the internet, only a couple days ago, I posted some comments on my fatigue with the "shocking!" race-story of how/why cable news is still mostly white. With my tsk-tsk sentiment duly noted I eagerly flew the coop to indulge the multicultural nightlife of Montreal, my eyes wowed by a rainbow of the most beautiful ladies our northern neighbors have to offer. To be fair, upon returning I may have had a little bit of a sexist-objectification hangover (I'm not trying to sell "perfect" here), but definitely no racism on the brain. All ready to talk about people, and pop culture, and music in non culturally-divisive terms! Only to check in today and see TIME Magazine list their "best" and "essential" blogs of 2010 and not include ONE that focuses primarily on issues/news/commentary from a race perspective, or even in lieu of that, "the hip hop generation". And now I'm sort of sad and I feel the sequence of: signing off on a somewhat-sad note of internet racism, then clearing the mind of racism, only to return and find, yup, still very racist here! gives the sadness more resonance.

i'm not big on quotas or inclusion for the sake of inclusion, but it's not like i'm suggesting the venerable Time Magazine shoehorn blacksonblondesdotcom into the mix. i'm quite certain YOU, the former Time person of the year, can rattle off at least a couple culture sites that serve as excellent melanin-supplements to your internet diet. Ta-Nehisi Coates over at the Atlantic has an informed and vibrant community, and sits right next to blog bigshot andrew sullivan (memo to Time: that's means win-win for substance and superficial traffic whoring). illdoctrine is a regular plug for me and does work for npr, another no-brainer. If you have Pitchfork present, you could consider Nah Right or their "cartel" of blogs who basically supply the internet with all their advance hip hop music and info. shit, even if you want to stay in the margins of MSM-type/sponsored blogs, you can give a nod to The Root and at least get on the board. And I skew black for my culture, but give me Angry Asian Man, or Aziz Ansari, or arroz con pollo, or really anything. Just. one. site. would make me not bummed out.

On 50Centism

mulling on why most rappers can't act, it occurs that the sensibility of Get Rich or Die Trying capitalism may also be why the free-for-all democratized internet seems to break down along familiar socioeconomic lines.

it's the relation of the ego to authority, vs. the relation of the ego to empathy.
50 Cent (and most rappers) sell authority. they know what the f is up. if you question it you might get your chest caved in. Or worse. And most rappers learned this by watching you, America.

you make money here by projecting command, control, and not showing weakness or flaws. if i properly capitalize all my sentences I will project more writerly authority and subsequently be able to sell you my book with more confidence.

Same with magazines, now blogs/webzines. Think about the purpose of that objective omniscient editorial voice: project authority, sell ads against it. This is why journalists and rappers are in the same boat. G-Unit Records and Gawker Media are the same concept with different tools. They're both trying to 50 Cent the game. They already have mostly.

Get Rich or Die Trying capitalism, FiftyCentism, cultivates an 'intelligence' predicated on protecting and manipulating what you know. for your own gain. this runs in contrast to a more buddhist or zen approach to 'smarts' which stresses empathy.

when you start thinking/caring about others, you eventually come to peace of mind by realizing there is so much you don't know, and can't know. the maxim: "wisdom sets bounds even to knowledge". which is a whole different kind of math than what they teach in They Schoolz. it's a math that doesn't necessarily -- but could! -- add up to lots-o-dollars in your pocket.

but not-necessarily maybe-so is a terrible for-profit business model. and a passive voice doesn't attract an audience. RIGHT, INTERNET? FUCK YEAH!

Missing From How To Make It In America: Skills

I'm on the fence with all the "Lifestyle Porn" programming. (y'know, Sex & The City was like "Blondes", Entourage was like "Babes" or "Celebrities", How to Make it in America is "Interracial") Like porn, there's a whiff of something cheap and pungent about it. Then again, it's porn. Anyone you interact with has probably just finished using some within the last 48 hours (too soon?).

Dear TAN: Who's Better Drake or Walt Whitman?

Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: Hip Hop is new human technology!

Dear TAN,

Is it fair to compare Drake to Walt Whitman?


- Curious

~~

Dear Curious,

It can definitely be instructive to compare, say, a writer like Guru to a writer like Saul Bellow; or perhaps confer the cachet of a Walt Whitman to a modern American troubadour like Drake. But there is some risk, especially if those with only a passing familiarity with the art and culture assume the role of instructor.

For example, in the case of Drake & Whitman. If you truly respect the craft of hip hop lyrics, and the evolution of our human species, then drake is more like whitman five million thousand. times titties. and i'm not saying titties casually. stop and think what titties mean as a metaphor for life or the human condition.
.
.
.
.
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Publishers In Agreement On How to Market the "New Negro" Literature

Tracy Morgan memoir: I Am The New Black

Helena Andrews (black, female) memoir: Bitch is The New Black

Paul Mooney Memoir: Black Is The New White (points for originality!)

Disclosure: my book WAS gonna be called .... Black Is The New Black.

what's up with that? ... my original title was deemed a little dangerous, and this was a suggested alternative. i wonder if that's the case with the others. it's sort of whatever, sort of an interesting bit of ethnocultural groupthink by publishing pros who have to determine the best ratio of risk/reward with books on race.

The Assimilated Piano

They're calling it "the fluid piano"; I'll just call it a "culturally assimilated piano", since that's longer and more cumbersome to say or write. In either case, here we have an instrument of art that dares to step outside of its western music roots/tradition like artists themselves occasionally do. how fancy!



Pretty awesome. I mean hip hop/electronic music producers etc. have been doing this for a while through sampling, keyboards etc, but this seems like a serious breakthrough with all the never-seen-before tuning/modulating options now on the instrument itself.

if kanye gets wind of this it might be the piece that finally lets him be great. we could also call it the Lady Gaga of pianos. or maybe the tiger woods of steinways since it's kinda-sorta cheating on the plain ol' regular notes. or maybe the michael jackson of [piano instrument] for reinventing how black-white notes sound when children play with it ...(?) hmm, that last one is a little off-tune but you know what i mean if you think about it. right? RIGHT???

DJ David Sedaris on the Wheels of Steel

yo, i knew my homey, my stromey david sedaris was down with hip hop! that's got to be why he's dropping his next audiobook in a format they used to call vinyl. wax. phonograph records.

i think it's a very cute hipster-funky idea, but i honestly haven't seen a working victrola in some time now. does apple still make those?

i can't imagine at a hopped up price and less material ($25 and doesn't have all the material, huh?), that it's getting the best opportunity to succeed. but i sincerely wish this "vinyl" good tidings on the marketplace.

And I definitely hope DJ Sedaris takes the opportunity to cut and scratch and blend his essays for a pipin' hot new yorker literary party or something. he should include katie couric and black lady gaga in his video girl entourage.

word.

Popular Author's Audiobook Tries New Format: Vinyl [NYT]

image: via

Um, Maybe We Should Just Hand Hip Hop Over to the Ladies?

What does that mean exactly? I don't know. Maybe it's sexist. Maybe it's just a headline. But this female emcee (her name is "Invincible") I just got put on to prompts some thoughts on the subject of hip hop's proprietary gender issues:



First off, I'm sure I'm under-informed, but this is the first caucasian female i've seen with a *hardcore* hyper-lyrical flow. I haven't parsed the lyrics to give it a real grade, but it's the first time I've even felt compelled to. Now we know here on TAN, "a white chick is just light-skin". And we know they've quietly-but-surely been part of a renaissance for the beat-boxing arts. But flow? Like a Black Thought, or a Kweli, or a Jean Grae? Holla.

Now I'm sure she's pissed about the "white girl rapping" angle, because any interview/article/blog is going to want to discuss it, and she will be dealing with that forever (the youtube blurb indicates there's plenty of backstory in this regard already); but in terms of the whole Asher Roth a-solid-white-rapper-is-better-than-a-solid-black-rapper hip hop affirmative action plan, this girl kills that for white guys because if your average white rapper is just a better marketing proposition than your average black emcee, there's little question a white female is better than both of those options (all else being equal).

But that's all sort of tongue-in-cheek blog talk. Hip hop heads are over the white-black culture issues, they abide by the microphone. And the real bullshit is still entrenched in gender. Hip hop needs some mf'ing women in positions of power. That means behind the scenes, of course. But also artists that command respect amongst their peers (I can already visualize the eyebrows raising, the blunts falling to the ground, as this girl spits hot fire).

Once hip hop got embraced by pop culture, it wasn't about racism holding the culture back; it was the f'ing sexism. Because even the "conscious" artists were kinda-sorta misogynists. And homophobic.

For Every Press Conference, A Pop Song

People are doing some amazing things with auto-tune, and video and audio editing. Here's another one. Pretty awesome:



I wonder if this is incredible only for this specific iteration/execution, and because it's new and novel. Or if every press conference ever conceived can now be repurposed into something beautiful (and danceable, too!).

(Thanks: LT)

Might 'Love' Get Twitter Over the Hump?

Not romantic love, silly! I mean Kevin Love, the young power forward of the Minnesota Timberwolves who recently completed his rookie season. DUH.

"But why have you tricked us like this, TAN?" thought the internet chorus.

"Well I'll tell you," thought TAN as he wrote those very words on the keyboard ...

Sure celebrities like Ashton Kutcher and Oprah are huge celebrities, but that's just it, they're *celebrities*. I'd argue that celebritydom gets us to listen or pay attention or click, but at the same time it makes us minimize the weight/value of A-B-C-listers.

So, like, a PH.D will be more respected than a celebrity PH.D. (I know, there's vagaries to that, i.e. good and bad celebrity, but roll with me here, I think this is how we will undermine the celebrity infrastructure...) In the case of Oprah, in particular, it might constitute a thesis statement in need of further research to suggest her celebritydom has outflanked her ranking/merit as media mogul. The argument is at some point she (and every other celeb) tips over the line and is no longer applying her time to her media moguldom because she's managing everything involved with being Oprah day-to-day. The Celebrity Industry Complex.

Which is to say celebrities, if not now, sometime in the near future, will all occupy the same mind space. And this will be fair: part of the streamlining brain-efficiency program, we know to be a celebrity you must take some portion of your finite time and energy and devote it to something other than mastery of your craft/art/talent etc.

To make money these days, and in the past, you had to have some talent (play a guitar, rap, shoot a ball etc), but to be a *star* you also needed skills with schmoozing and the rest. Schmoozing and networking are the tools//talents of celebrities. Some people hate that. Some people revel in it. But that's all beside the point. What matters is there's a finite amount of time to devote your energies. And before, everything was wrapped into one ball. And now, everything is partitioned off. So it's easier to be a writer these days, but it's more difficult to be a *superstar celebrity writer*.

If we abide by the 10,000 hour rule, then to split your energies might get you more money and fame, but it will make you less of a master. Less of a genius at whatever you do. Some say I'm a good self-promoter, but that invariably makes me less of a writer. Presumably we don't know The Grand Masters of our various arts because they're in a hole obsessed to the point of socio-dysfunction. Genius!

So in the future, celebrities will be celebrities: People in the public eye, that we know to varying degrees, for some reason or another. Oprah, Ashton, Pam Anderson, David Letterman, same shit, different toilet. Or somesuch. (Unless you know them personally, of course).

Now back to Kevin Love. He's no celebrity. Just a basketball player. But last week he got the NBA media circles buzzing because he tweeted news of his coach/GM/boss leaving the team before the Timberwolves made any official announcement and before any reporters knew.

The big reveal is simply that he's going unpunished, and even better, he's being encouraged to do more tweeting. And now the door opens for every team to have their first player-tweeter-journo-blogger. Who's hurt, who's traded, who's leaving, who's got a bad attitude, who's re-signing, all from an insider perspective that couldn't be duplicated by even the most observant sports reporter. Players being allowed to use the new tools of the media trade feels like a game-changer.

In sum: a sports league embracing Twitter to the point of players being allowed to break news before the team's PR department -- something that in the past would normally cause a fine or suspension or other reprimand -- is bigger than Oprah or Ashton getting a jillion followers. Sports as one of our cultural institutions is bigger than Ashton. Bigger than Oprah (i think). If our NBA broadcasts will soon be informed by players telling us all sorts of insider-y stuff, feels like more of a fundamental philosophical embrace of the new medium and what it means. Athletes already have blogs, so what happens when the players are doing both the playing and reporting?

Regardless, it seems fitting that Love has led the way.

image:via

Three Uses of the Blog: Viral Video as Metaphor for the Human Condition

The title of this blog is haughtier than the post is actually going to be. I mainly want to point to the series of posts in NY Mag's Reading Room on Bill Wasik's And Then There’s This: How Stories Live and Die in Viral Culture.

The background summary is: Bill Wasik, basically, has some hands-on experience with viral culture; he engineered the "Flash Mobs" meme of a few years ago, where via email and text messaging throngs of people would convene at a notably random location and sing kumbaya enjoy the experience of being herded without a cattle prod. It's the seed that led to stuff like T-Mobile's karaoke session earlier this year.

There are other viruses on Mr. Wasik's resume. He's also a senior editor at Harper's Magazine, so he can write. And thus, a book is born.

NY Mag's panel of folk (Virginia Heffernan, Anil Dash, David Rees, Charlie Todd, Sam Anderson) don't issue a wholehearted recommendation for the book, but I'm probably going to cop it sometime soon anyways. It seems the biggest problem is Wasik comes off as a pretentious d-bag. Which seems to fall in line with his Flash Mobs narrative (he engineered the gatherings, and then later positioned/revealed himself as Mad Social Scientist manipulating people/rats to his bidding). But I don't have a problem with that as long as *good ideas* are present.

In any case, I haven't read any of these "I Will Explain the Internet and Internet Culture to You for $21.99" books since The Long Tail -- that's not intended as a slight; it's mostly because I've embedded myself deeply enough in the culture that I didn't feel the need for an instruction manual -- but given the evolution of the landscape even in just the last 2-3 years, it's a good time to catch up. If only to see how the new trends, memes etc are being packaged.

There were a couple really interesting takeaways from the discussion though. The first is Virginia Heffernan's suggestion that "viral" is a misnomer when we talk about the culture of people passing along videos. Mainly because as the internet has developed, it's not so much about person-to-person sharing, and more sending e-mailed traffic signals directing everyone to Youtube or whatever huge content hub is hosting the *virus*. As she says, "the word 'viral' is used to pretend that culture is so idiosyncratic and personal now, where it may actually be more fascinatingly uniform than ever."

No one came up with a better term, but everyone seemed to agree with the semantics of "viral" being no longer appropriate. Specifically, I think everyone is turned off by the corporate exploitation element, i.e. every company issues a "viral video" that hasn't even been seen with their new product line.

This all made me flashback to The Matrix, when Agent Smith uses "virus" as a metaphor for humans:

"The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague, and we are the cure."

It also made me think of David Mamet's three-essay collection, Three Uses of the Knife: On the Nature and Purpose of Drama, where in the context of a discussion on dramatic structure he explains how drama is a metaphor for the human condition. Drama is life. Or at least, what we live for.

I left a comment on NY Mag's post. Here's a snippet with another takeaway:

the other... was about "purity". How everyone, it seems, hates being manipulated. This is a theme through a few of the posts: Don't overthink it. Don't oversell it. Don't overschtick it (a personal TAN *cough* gripe that resonates). I guess we want internet hippiedom or something? Just be chill and watch pure-viral videos and people doing what they want to do but not too hard..."

This speaks to everyone being turned off by Wasik's pretensiousness. It also speaks to the nebulous don't-try-to-make-this-into-a-formula-because-you-can't nature of viral videos. Everyone thinks they have a viral video in them, and that's because they do. If you ignore the pernicious angle of Agent Smith's quote (don't worry Obama and Al Gore will fix all of that), then in the context of these quotes and book discussion, the striking conclusion is that the "viral video" is you. *cue Tony Robbins* Or, at least, it's your pure essence repurposed into a funny clip.

You can also think of the sharing element as someone identifying some crystallized portion of themselves in a clip, and sharing it. Like you would a list of favorite movies or whathaveyou.

Now this is where I don't want the post to ramble out of control; just go check the book discussion. But i think in this era of information age paralysis, what is in us, the intangible transient *thing*, is what creates the kinetic energy (kinergy?) of viral phenomena. This is true with athletes, and art, and blogs, and twitter, and just about anything that people gravitate towards. Now, sure, corporations and market research groups, and smarty-pretentious editors will thinkthinkthink it through until they come up with some Cool Ranch facsimile, and that facsimile might even create some ripples (I'm an absolute sucker for the same ol cereal being put in a newly redesigned box).

But I think Mr. Dash nailed it when he talked about pop music being what it is because people just like a good beat to dance to, as opposed to indie-rock (or indie-music) being about overwrought thinking over an instrumental. Good memes, good people, good viruses, are self-evident. It resonates not only with our rational side, but also our emotional intelligence.

Another brilliant pull is from David Rees who identified "moms" as the ideal spreaders of real viral ideas. Most "moms" don't know the current tech-pop-culture-hipster fad-trend, but they will absolutely share anything that is need-to-know or cool in an obvious self-evidently good way.

Which I guess means all the tech/culture commentary circles back and boils down to life's one simple truism: Moms rule the universe. Hallelujah!


Vulture Reading Room, Diagnosis: The Spread of Viral Culture [NY Mag]

image via Mike Arauz, moms

Will 'Keeping It Real" Ever Go Right?

One of my favorite sketches from the popular and missed-more-every-second Chappelle's Show was called "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong". The sketch basically satirized the whole sensibility of "Uncle Tom" and "Keeping It Real" and "Politics of Authenticity/Identity" that can lead to denying your come-up in the world, i.e when success = sellout. And ... well let me not explain when we can watch it; it's only a couple minutes and well worth it:

[quick aside: in my first days at college i was a little notorious for breaking out animated-recitations-of-hip-hop-refrains as non-sequitur answers to normal class conversation, aka rapping in class. so for example, in my freshman seminar, i don't remember if this was the exact line, but imagine something to the effect of:

Teacher: "So, Patrice, what do you think about the summer reading? Could you relate to the protagonist's struggle in Manchild in the Promised Land?"

TAN: "I'LL THROW IT DOWN YOUR THROAT LIKE BARKLEY. YOU SEE THE CAR KEYS??? YOU'LL NEVER GET THESE!!" and then just look at the teacher like nothing out of the ordinary happened. it was pretty much the mid-90s college version of "when keeping it real goes wrong."]

So as with most good comedy, there's some other darker stuff lurking underneath.

The New Portable Mini-Computers from Apple Have Arrived, and They Make Phone Calls Also

So yeah, pretty exciting. The new iPhone 3G[!!(S)!!]was unveiled earlier this week. And as I talk about the new features and *what the technology means* with my Top 5 friends & family, it continues to amuse that we regard this device as a "phone".

Per the new feature list: your "phone" can now take pictures, with variable focus, and video. You can also edit video. So to my understanding you can now go out with your phone, shoot a movie, edit it, and mail it in to Sundance or Tribeca Film Festival, then listen to music while you wait for the powers that be to call you back and tell you "you're in!". Then you can take a break and play a video game, before checking your blood pressure (about to be a star! in the public eye! feel stressed!), and even start making the music for the soundtrack to the new film because, of course, there's apps for that etc. etc., all on the same device.

I mean honestly, at this point the *phone feature* is becoming a nuisance. I might ask apple to deactivate if/when i get a new one. Something I'm undecided on, by the by. Will prob wait to see the first round or two of reports and feedback.

Also, worth highlighting: the old iphone, 3G, is now $99. When it first came out, two years ago, June 2007, it was $600. Wow. (I did a man-on-the-street for the first release on gawker. ahh, history.) But if they're not already, by next year they will be ubiquitous. Coming Soon: African babies, still starving, looking in the App store for food.

iPhone 3Gs Feature Guide [Gizmodo]
New iPhone [Apple]
First Responders: Are You Buying an iPhone? (2007) [Gawker]

Premature Ejaculator Editions of 'COPS' and 'America's Most Wanted' Can't Be Far Behind

This is an ad featuring "The Bedroom Police" catching a prejaculator at the scene of the crime:



Frankly, I'm a lil bored by the "whoops, i came too fast" angle on interpersono-sexual relations. Can't we get on the girl's case a little bit more? It feels sexist to not be sensitive about a guy's need to get off in under a minute and take a nap sometimes. is that a crime now?!!?! How would Sotomayor rule on this? I say dudes should picket this commercial and take it to the highest court.

via: The Awl

The Most Powerful Muscle in Human Advertising is the Female Ass-Crack

My boy Copyranter gets cheeky with a couple new entries from his Ass-vertising beat. It really is amazing the power of a female ass crack to generate commerce, good will, scientific formulas etc. Mostly, though, I'm just glad I don't need to wear what's-tighter-than-skin-tight jeans to look hot.




Of course ass-imprints are nothing new. I think this is an old Levis ad.


Damn, makes me want to go buy a back-pocket RIGHT NOW! Hmmm, I also need shoes. Can someone sell me some nice shoes.


Yeah, that's a nice shoe. Just what I was looking for. And it's cool, I only need one. (I also like this ad because it's so obviously aiming for "classy." Bullseye!)


This one above I don't even know what they're trying to sell me. I guess a bridge or something? Whatever it is: SOLD! I would indeed like to buy the bridge that leads me to Perfect Asstopia Shangri-La-Heavenville.

What's I find amazing, artistically speaking -- after all, when we speak of ass-vertising, we speak of art! -- is how creative art/visual direction can make gratuitous ass usage feel, i don't know, OK! I mean, you could use that frilly-laced ass as a centerpiece on your family thanksgiving dinner table. It's beautiful! In contrast, American Apparel are the masters of finding the perv line and crossing it.




That last one, really?!!? That has to be illegal. And there is a definitely a woman crying somewhere at the sight of it. Who approves that?

Anyarse, these are just a few shots culled from the Copyranter assvertising collection. So go there for further research and analysis. In the meanwhile, I've developed an odd hankering for hiking boots. So I'm gonna go scratch that itch.

ReBranding America: Liberty Gives Birth to Hope?

I like this one, can't front. There are other rebranding America sketches/ideas at Adweek, but i think this is my fav. I do love the provocative sensationalist stuff.

What you need is the black daddy in the background though...

This agenda began at Paper Magazine, see a lot more there.
via: Adweek

I'm Happy to Report: LOLBlacks Does Exist

word from above is that "NEGROPEDIA" still might not clear customs as the title of my book, so i've been b-storming alternates. In churning out names i thought of "LOLBlacks"; and then thought it wouldn't fit my book, but would be a brilliant negro-derivative meme.

As to be expected, someone's already on it. I can't tell when it started -- no wiki, myspace acct is dead -- but the site content copyright says 2008. There's a fair amount of photo repetition, so i guess it's not stuffed with inventory, but some def lols to be had:





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