Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Salt Water Taffy Creators Concede Failure, Return To Drawing Board

(before this blog became a space more pointedly focused on deconstructing race/culture etc. it was just a sketchpad of riffs, rants, other odds and ends. That TAN will return, but here's one from the archives...)
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The creators of Salt Water Taffy have decided to concede failure and go back to the drawing board in their quest for a “candy that provides a satisfying taste experience.”

Said one of the inventors of Salt Water Taffy, “we look at the candy marketplace right now and we see a lot of options, and our Salt Water Taffy (tm) product is just not cutting it. We have some niche cult fans who continue to swear by us, and amen to them, but that’s not enough to grow in today's economy. We want to be up there with the Snickers, M&M’s, and Jolly Ranchers of the world. So we’re formally announcing our agenda to go back to the SWT drawing board and try and tweak the formula some.”

The current formula on the drawing board for the mildly popular candy is:
mediocre flavor


disconcerting texture


high stickiness-to-teeth ratio


generic blob shape


peculiar “salt water” flavor reference/association


Salt Water Taffy

Can I break character for a moment?

Salt Water? + Taffy?

Are there people who think "salt water" and then think "yummy" right after? This is a preposterous sales-inhibiting name for a candy. Of course it’s not the worst name, it's only fifth after Concrete Lollipops, Tree Bark Pretzels, Soap Soda, and Ass Crumbs.

All you people who claim to "enjoy" salt water taffy. Just stop. Put the stupidly named not-very-tasty sugar blob down. The charade is over. The creators are going to rethink it and come out with a candy worthy of our attention.

(This has been a TAN Public Service Announcement)


  1. Funny. This sounds strangely familiar to Lewis Black's candy corn rant.

  2. I like salt water taffy--especially the mint flavor. Part of why I like it, though, is happy memories of childhood visits to the beach. Of course, I'd take chocolate, cake, cookies, or ice cream over taffy any day.

  3. I love washing down Ass Crumbs with Soap Soda! So refreshing!

    Salt water taffy and fudge are two vacation candies that make no sense at all. Salt water taffy by the shore—did they grab a bucket of ocean water to make it? Hell, no. There are health codes. And fudge shops? Available only in heavy-touristy locations. As if there is an ancient local tradition of the making of fudge. I bet there usually isn't. The most touristy place in Chicago, Navy Pier, has a fudge shop, and yet Chicago is not a traditional fudge stronghold.

  4. but.


    i can eat saltwater taffy and it doesn't kill me. you should really back of the candy choices out there that us people with peanut allergies can actually eat and not have to worry about sticking an epipen in our asses.

    just some "food" for thought.

  5. TAN's Salt Water Taffy Hand Me Down11/07/2005

    Hmm.. This explains the smirk on your face as you gave me that white bag full of the "not-very-tasty sugar blob."

  6. jb - I avoid Lewis Black like he's dirt-flavored salt water taffy, so I wouldn't know. But candy corn, in my opinion isn't even close in terms of uselessness. it's tastier, has fun colors, only comes out for halloween. no problems for me.

    ali - d'oh! but I bet you could go on and on with that list of things you'd take over SWT.

    orange - word up

    heather - come on. removing salt water taffy does not significantly effect the options for those with peanut allergies. I'm allergic to nuts also (though not peanuts). the average candy store does not have SWT, but does have plenty of non peanut options.

    hand me down - hope you enjoyed.

  7. dude, the best take on SWT I've EVER read.

    Been a long time coming, but I'm linking this post over at the CR cyber-crib so's all my fly readers can get on the tip of the T.A.N. man. (god, I feel dirty after writing that.).


  8. But you forget that part of the appeal is in the TAFFY PULL, wherein two or more people pull on the taffy until it breaks. Or something. What could possibly be more fun?

  9. is salt water taffy the same as laffy taffy? Because laffy taffy kicks ass. If they're not the same thing, the Salt Water people should just jack they're recipe.

  10. CR - the way you throw that lingo around, I think you might be part negro.

    lindsay - what could possibly be more fun than two people pulling taffy? hmmm, well definitely not sex. And eating toenails is only sort of fun. I don't know, you may be right.

    tubbs - salt water is different from laffy. I'm kind of ok on laffy taffy. plus at least the name works. salt water taffy is a bad name on top of a bad product.

  11. Anonymous12/15/2005

    Seriously, unless you've been to the AC Boardwalk and gotten some FRESH James SWT, you just don't know how yummy it can be.


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