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The creators of Salt Water Taffy have decided to concede failure and go back to the drawing board in their quest for a “candy that provides a satisfying taste experience.”
Said one of the inventors of Salt Water Taffy, “we look at the candy marketplace right now and we see a lot of options, and our Salt Water Taffy (tm) product is just not cutting it. We have some niche cult fans who continue to swear by us, and amen to them, but that’s not enough to grow in today's economy. We want to be up there with the Snickers, M&M’s, and Jolly Ranchers of the world. So we’re formally announcing our agenda to go back to the SWT drawing board and try and tweak the formula some.”
The current formula on the drawing board for the mildly popular candy is:
high stickiness-to-teeth ratio
generic blob shape
peculiar “salt water” flavor reference/association
Salt Water Taffy
Can I break character for a moment?
Salt Water? + Taffy?
Are there people who think "salt water" and then think "yummy" right after? This is a preposterous sales-inhibiting name for a candy. Of course it’s not the worst name, it's only fifth after Concrete Lollipops, Tree Bark Pretzels, Soap Soda, and Ass Crumbs.
All you people who claim to "enjoy" salt water taffy. Just stop. Put the stupidly named not-very-tasty sugar blob down. The charade is over. The creators are going to rethink it and come out with a candy worthy of our attention.
(This has been a TAN Public Service Announcement)