Salt Water Taffy Creators Concede Failure, Return To Drawing Board

(before this blog became a space more pointedly focused on deconstructing race/culture etc. it was just a sketchpad of riffs, rants, other odds and ends. That TAN will return, but here's one from the archives...)
+ + +
The creators of Salt Water Taffy have decided to concede failure and go back to the drawing board in their quest for a “candy that provides a satisfying taste experience.”

Said one of the inventors of Salt Water Taffy, “we look at the candy marketplace right now and we see a lot of options, and our Salt Water Taffy (tm) product is just not cutting it. We have some niche cult fans who continue to swear by us, and amen to them, but that’s not enough to grow in today's economy. We want to be up there with the Snickers, M&M’s, and Jolly Ranchers of the world. So we’re formally announcing our agenda to go back to the SWT drawing board and try and tweak the formula some.”

The current formula on the drawing board for the mildly popular candy is:

mediocre flavor

+

disconcerting texture

+

high stickiness-to-teeth ratio

+

generic blob shape

+

peculiar “salt water” flavor reference/association

=

Salt Water Taffy

Can I break character for a moment?

Tonight We Eat Eagle!

Bald Eagle No Longer On Endangered Species [Discovery]


Alternative Headline:
Bald Eagle Not Endangered, Still Insecure About Hair Loss

Birds And Bees Tired Of Being "Romantically Linked"

A garden in soho, NYC -- Very little sex was in the air when a group of birds and bees got together to protest the puerile gossip mongering that continues to plague both creatures.

One big bird said, “Who the fuck started this nonsense? I remember my grandmother used to say, ‘people are going to say things during your life. They’re going to say things about you and the bees. And you’re not going to like those things, but you have to keep on flying.’ "

The non-yellow big bird wiped a way a tear and continued, “Birds and bees fucking? I mean sweet jesus, who in the hell started this, this … this LIE!! I ain’t fucking no bees. Period. Not with all these fine ass birds around. How’s that gonna look? A big ass bird like me flying around, looking for bees. How would you even get it on with a bee anyways. What the fuck? How? Seriously. Do you know how? You. Writing this down. Yeah you. Seriously. Do you have a solution?”

I responded, “Um, no.”

“Ok then. So let’s kill ‘the birds and the bees’ talk, shall we? I ain’t done nothing with no bees. Nah son, never have, never will. Let some other motherfuckers be associated with bees. The antelopes and the bees. The aardvarks and the bees. Maybe anteaters like them. What’s that?? Yeah I guess I am somewhat fond of ‘the A animals,’ but that’s beside the point. But while we’re off subject, I’m also pissed about the term ‘bird-brained.’ What the fuck??!! You guys think you run shit and can just be disrespectful like this …”

While many bees were buzzing about, it was difficult to get any to speak on the record. Eventually a young bee stepped up to respond after the big bird erupted, “I think the bird is being a little overdramatic. I mean I don’t want to have sex with him either, but he shouldn’t be writing off us bees. We get our buzz on also, if you know what I’m saying. He may have a size advantage, but it’s not the size of the stinger, it’s the yummy in the honey you know what I mean?”

The bee then grotesquely grabbed his abdomen and secreted a strange fluid that caused everyone to immediately seek out an exit. While others fled the scene he continued, “ But it really doesn’t make sense. Cause the other thing is if we use our stingers to get inside some non-bee booty, for us it amounts to a death countdown. Cause as soon as we use that, it’s over. So it’s a much bigger commitment. We don’t usually try to stick it in just anybody. I know a lot of people who say, ‘yo, I’ll just work and stay busy. I ain’t trying to die for no ass.’

It may serve us well to keep all this in mind next time we teach little Johnny about the birds and the bees.

Related:
What's with the phrase "romantically linked"? [Jenisfamous]
Apples and oranges are pissed too [TAN]

Man Has Friendship Privileges Revoked, Returned To "Acquaintance" Status

Steve Cocksure recently received a telegram in the mail from what he thought were his new friends. Unfortunately, the telegram was an official, "rescinding of certain friendship privileges." Enough privileges were stripped that Steve is no longer categorized as a "new friend," but has actually been reverted back to "new acquaintance" status.

Here is the letter:

Dear Mr. Cocksure,

Not all of us involved with composing this letter know each other personally, but we've recently been united by a common thread. That thread is the feeling that you have perhaps crossed the friendship threshold line too quickly.

All of us signed at the bottom have gone out with you a couple times, and actually enjoyed your company somewhat. You have a modicum of intelligence, you're not completely unattractive, and you do seem to have a kind well-intentioned heart. While we kind of enjoyed the official "press release" you sent over e-mail, declaring us as your "new best friends," unfortunately there are some other actions you have taken that are a bit disconcerting, and we prefer not to deal with them until our "relationship" is more firmly established:

- calling us at work to complain about your job
- calling us after work to complain about your love life
- calling us in the middle of the night to ask if we're still friends, because your last friends bailed on you in the middle of the night
- calling us every time you get a new movie from NetFlix in the mail
- insulting us, then dismissing it by saying, "I'm just kidding, it's just jokes between friends, right?"
- telling us, "you don't act like you used to in the good 'ol days" Especially since the "good 'ol days" were last week
-offering heartfelt speeches about how we can shape up our lives, even though we barely know you
- farting in our faces

The last is a particularly inflexible demand.

See most of us believe that friendships and relationships build and evolve over time, and are not officially declared in a mock press release. So for the time being we have decided to return you to "new acquaintance" status. Effective immediately. This means that we only want to see or hear from you if we call you with a specific invite to a specific bar to laugh and joke in a particularly cavalier fashion. No heart-to-heart conversation. No follow-up with a movie from NetFlix after. And definitely no farting in one's face and laughing about it.

If things go smoothly, we will slowly dole out extra privileges as appropriate (though the farting bit usually takes at least a decade before it is even begrudgingly tolerated).

In a few months we sincerely hope to call you friend, but for now please respect our wishes.

Respectfully,

Your New Acquaintances
(names omitted)

Unhappy With World Series Matchup, MLB orders “Do Over”

After marinating for 24 hours with the idea of a World Series matchup between the Chicago White Sox and Houston Astros, Major League Baseball officials have officially declared a “do over” for the playoffs.

A MLB representative issued this statement:

“We’ve determined that a playoff series between the White Sox and Astros is not in the best interests of baseball. We have declared a “do over” and everyone will once again vie for the championship beginning on Monday. In addition, we will be adding Pedro Martinez to the Red Sox, and Roger Clemens and Andy Petitte to the Yankees.”

Insiders say that poor attendance records are the main reason for MLB making this unprecedented move. The Astros and White Sox had the worst numbers among those teams eligible for the playoffs. The White Sox in particular stood out, ranking in the bottom half of the league for attendance despite having the best record for most of the season. This compounded by a roster full of players no one could distinguish from a kid on a milk carton had MLB executives wanting to change their sox, and pull off the biggest baseball scandal since 1919.

If the World Series went as scheduled, ratings in the major markets of New York and Los Angeles were expected to be totally nonexistent.

A scientific poll of males 18-34 in NYC revealed that 0% of that prized demographic was actually planning to watch the World Series.

38% of them were planning to spend that time watching Laguna Beach with their girlfriend.

21% planned to catch up on the latest gossip on Gawker and Blogebrity with their girlfriend.

16% said they would masturbate like they normally do from 8pm to 11pm

10% said they were going to get drunk and commit hate crimes against blacks and jews.

8% said they would freshen up on the growing archive of hotness at The Assimilated Negro.

4% said they were going to kick someone’s ass just cause it would be an old-school New York thing to do.

2% said they plan to kick their parent’s ass because they were raised in a perfect family and now lack passion in their lives.

1% said they planned to give AIDS a try.

One guy who thinks too much said he’ll be damned if he’s just another statistic.

One paraplegic deaf mute signed that he knew he was also capable of genius because TAN told him so.


Indeed I did, indeed I did
.

Late Night Host David Letterman Gunned Down Very Late At Night

Late night “turf wars” explode violently

New York, New York (AP) -- The violent conflicts so often associated with hip hop spilled over into the mainstream late last night, when widely recognized “Big Poppa” of the late night talk show world, David Letterman, was fatally gunned down while heading to his car.

There was one witness who did not see the crime, but did hear the late night perpetrator scream out, “you’re out too late at night this time Letterman!” Gunshots and Dave's screams were the sounds that followed.

Most speculate that the beef between he and Leno's Tonight Show crew is the reason for Dave’s fatal demise.

Jay Leno when hearing of the tragedy released this statement:

I sincerely hope the media doesn’t twist this story into something that will only cause more problems. The brief-but-impressive ratings spike a story like this will provide your network is not worth the lives that may be lost if I am forced to have to defend my family … and staff of writers.

I will say it once. I was not involved with Mr. Letterman’s violent death, and though our relationship was adversarial, I would always prefer to settle beef on the tube. Going mono-y-monologue as it were.

*rimshot*

My heart and deepest condolences go out to his family.

And now … Kevin Eubanks and The Tonight Show band!!!

After the band played a few songs Mr. Leno flashed the “J-L” hand-sign that has become his trademark and left the building.

While Leno is the main suspect, there are some who say band-leader Max Weinberg of The Conan O’Brien show is worth investigating. If Letterman were rubbed out, Conan and Max would potentially be in line to take over, thereby not having to wait for Leno to retire.

While officials try to sort out the details of this harrowing tale of vengeful murder, Paul Schafer has started a tribute blog to Letterman called, "Dave the GOAT"

It can be found at this easy to type url: http://Dave_the_G_O_A_T.freeblogservice.com

Mr. Schafer will also be releasing a double-cd tribute album called, Sorrow Whispers. The album will feature guest appearances from: Nelly, Gwen Stefani, The Black Eyed Peas, Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani, Nelly, Kelly Clarkson and The Black Eyed Peas. The first 1000 customers get free bonus video of Lil’ Kim in jail. The last 1000 get bonus video of “Too Late with Adam Carolla”

Sorrow Whispers will be available on CD and in the iTunes music store tomorrow.

"Host the Late Show or Die Trying" t-shirts are available now on dave_the_g_o_a_t.com

The iLetterman model ipod is expected to be ready in time for the Christmas rush.



If you feel me, let off a couple shots, and spill a little liquor for Big Dave the Greatest Of All Time ...



5824 people are Googling "Sorrow Whispers" cause they like the lineup of artists

Angelina Jolie Kidnaps Mom, Demands Sex For Her Safe Return

The word on blogstreet is that you're supposed to keep your blog focused and niche-specific. This is the way to build your core audience.

So with that in mind, after posting for introspective males, gawker users, dodgeball users, people who speak with their eyes, and fantasy football enthusiasts ... I figure this one is a quick thought for any woman or man who wouldn't mind a night of passion with Angelina Jolie.

Let's say you were happily married. And let's say you had a wonderful mother that you loved very dearly.

Now let's say Angelina Jolie kidnaps your mother and threatens to kill her unless you have a night of passionate sex with her. Sort of an indecent proposal, but with no money involved.

This would be a pretty cool scenario. But not for the sex with Angelina (though media speculation says that's likely to be a bonus as well), but because later when having a fight with your partner you would be able to say in all seriousness, "Listen!! I had to fuck Angelina Jolie!! It was the only goddamned way to get my mother back goddammit!!! If you can't respect that, you're just being selfish!!"


as an addendum, I found this quote on one of the Jolie links:

"I need more sex, okay? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world."
-Angelina Jolie

if they camp outside for blocks when Star Wars opens, the line for this should end in South America. The Jolie Motorcycle Diaries anyone?
.

Breaking News: Tough Guy Wonders What Male Friends Are Thinking

October 17, 2005

Tough guy speculates on male friends' inner thoughts

Austin, Texas (AP) -- After a hectic weekend of sports action, reputed tough guy Luke Steele reluctantly admitted to wondering what his male friends are thinking on occasion.

“It’s taken me a while to grow comfortable with this, but there have been times where we’ve been hanging out drinking, watching the game, and I’ve made a comment about something and no one responds. This weekend after the Notre Dame/USC game I asked what they thought about gender roles and how they’re evolving in the new millennium, and everyone was silent. At the time I played it off saying, ‘well who cares what her role is, as long as she’s got a nice ass and a fine pair of knockers, right?’ They were still looking at me weird, so then I told them I was going to the zoo to wrestle with a bear and take food from a lion … but when I left I really just walked around wondering what they thought, in terms of what I said, and you know, just life in general.”

Mr. Steele continued, “The big thing was, everyone was quiet, so I figured, you know, they had to be thinking something …but maybe they weren’t, maybe some of us guys just black out … I don’t know … that’s why I wonder.”

When the incident was reported to Luke’s friend Nikolai Oxstrong he replied, “Huh? I didn’t hear the question, and I will never hear the question.”

Another friend, Hardy Hardrock, claimed to misunderstand the query, “when I heard him use the phrase ‘gender roles,’ I thought that was some sort of jargon for asking what online porn sites I like the most. I was silent because I don’t really have a favorite. I like them all. Very much so.”

Wife Daisy Mae supported her man saying, “actually he asks me what I’m thinking all the time …”

Luke looked at his wife in astonishment then sheepishly told reporters that “she’s just joshing.” He then ran away after smashing a beer can on his forehead and saying nothing matters to him more than his “Longhorns winning the championship.”

TAN Says: Girls Never Get Enough Quality Time

Mrs. Claus Files for Divorce

Says she doesn’t get enough “quality time”

(AP) October 6, 2005 – Alaska

In an unprecedented move, Mrs. Claus has filed for divorce due to irreconcilable differences.

In a statement Mrs. Claus announced, “I’m a woman with needs. I have feelings, emotions and opinions that matter. I need someone who can appreciate that. Nicky is just not there for me. He’s not there when I need him.”

Nickolas “Nicky” Claus was shocked to hear her wife was filing for divorce, “I spend 364 days out of the year with her. I worked all my life to get this dream gig, where I’m off every day except one, and really I don’t go out until bedtime on Christmas Eve and spend a few hours … and then I’m back. How can she complain about time?”

Mrs. Claus when hearing of her soon to be ex-husband’s objection tearfully replied, “it’s not a matter of days, hours or minutes.” The tears continued to stream down her face, “You see?!!? You see what I’m talking about?!?! He’s checking the clock and the calendar … but he’s not listening to what I have to say.”

Some female reporters could be seen nodding their heads in agreement as Ms. Claus poured her heart out passionately.

“I love this man I tell you. I love him to death. But if I need him on December 25th, he is not willing to compromise. I make a Christmas list myself, and every year my #1 wish is to make love with my husband from midnight until 4 AM on December 25th. And he has NEVER given me my Christmas present. I get to have a list also, I’ve been good all year and I deserve to celebrate Christmas with my guy!!”

Mr. Claus when hearing of the tirade said, “Laura is being manipulative and unreasonable. That’s just not fair.”
.

Oh TAN-Man, Do You Have Anything In A Size PG-13?

So I haven't been set-up for very long, but already some people are beginning to place demands on my content. Not for my content mind you, on the content, like maybe you should do this, and maybe you should do that type stuff.

Since I'm still just trying to get people through the doors, and into the club ... it's all good. Say or suggest what you like. Ask and ye might receive...

One person told me I was funny, but a little "extreme" with the race stuff. Maybe I should present some safer, family-oriented content.

Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I have unwittingly bared my booby and offended some people. Not enough that they didn't laugh (or say they did) ... but enough for them to order a carrier pigeon to send a message to The Assimilated Negro

So upon receiving the pigeon, I immediately sent my assistant for something out the Smells Like Onion department.

And so this is for all the cutie-patootie lovers out there:


Apples and Oranges Strike Back

Say they “have more in common than people know”

(AP) October 11, 2005, New York –

Today representatives for both Apples and Oranges discussed their continuing shock at how Apples and Oranges are still being used as examples of difference. One notable Orange announced, “When people say, ‘it’s like apples and oranges’ to make the point in comparing things that are different, we’re always taken aback.”

One Apple spokesperson said, “I mean we’re different … but we’re sure there are better examples. Like popcorn and missiles, or how about an aardvark and sneakers? Now those things will make your point be known. With us, I don't know, I think there’s still a lot of room for ambiguity.”

Another Orange agreed, “sure our colors are different, but red and orange are pretty close, it’s not like black and white here. We’re both fruit. We both have seeds in the middle. We’re both nutritious and tasty snacks. I could go on ... but what’s the point … people are going to say what they’re going to say”

Not looking for revolution, apples and oranges clearly just want their similar voices to be heard, “We don’t want to cause a ruckus, but we just want to make it be known … we’re not as different as people may think.”
apples and oranges point out that even other fruit like grapes and papaya are more different than apples and oranges
.