Monday, July 09, 2007

My Conversation with Biz Markie

Many, many years ago I had a chat with Biz Markie. He had some situation going on with a girl he met on tour, so that dominated the conversation. Here's the transcript:

Biz: Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date, but a year to make love she wanted you to wait?

TAN: a year? no way, that's ridiculous.

Biz: Let me tell ya a story of my situation. I was talking to this girl from the u.s. nation

TAN: uh, ok, yeah I feel you, I've only messed with US girls too. But the foreign chicks do intrigue me...

Biz: The way that I met her was on tour at a concert. She had long hair and a short miniskirt.

TAN: So? Well, I guess it is better than short hair and a long skirt ...

Biz: I just got off stage dripping, pouring with sweat. I was walking through the crowd and guess who I met? I whispered in her ear, "come to the picture booth, so I can ask you some questions to see if you're 100 proof"

TAN: picture booth?

B: I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah

T: word. How'd she look?

B: She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra

T: holla!

B: I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused. I said, how do you like the show? She said, I was very amused. I started throwing bass, she started throwing back mid-range But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange.

T: What'd you ask her?

B: Then when I asked, do ya have a man, she tried to pretend she said, "no I don't, I only have a friend."

T: oh dude, i don't know. that sounds a little sketchy ...

B: Come on, I'm not even going for it. This is what I'm going to sing ...

T: you're gonna sing?

B: You, you got what I need
but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend,
oh baby you, got what I need
but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend,
oh baby you, got what I need
but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend

T: uhhhh ...

B: So I took blah-blahs word for it at this time. I thought just having a friend couldn't be no crime. Cause I have friends and that's a fact, like agnes, agatha, jermaine, and jack.

T: Agnes? Agatha?

B: Forget about that, lets go into the story. About a girl named blah-blah-blah that adored me.

T: from you've said, it didn't sound like she "adored" you. She said, "very amused?" who even says that?

B: So we started talking, getting familiar. Spending a lot of time so we can build a relationship, or some understanding. How its gonna be in the future we was planning.

T: damn, you moving kind of fast son!

B: Everything sounded so dandy and sweet. I had no idea I was in for a treat.

T: word?

B: After this was established, everything was cool.

T: oh, ok.

B: The tour was over and she went back to school.

T: kinda young, huh?

B: I called every day, to see how she was doing. Every time that I called her, it seemed something was brewing. I called her and a guy picked up, and then I called again. I said, yo, who was that?

T: what'd she say?

B: "oh, he's just a friend."

T: nahh yo!

B: Don't gimme that, don't even gimme that. yo bust this ...

T: are you gonna sing again?

B: You, you got what I need
but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend,
oh baby you, got what I need
but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend,
oh baby you, got what I need
but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend

T: Why are you singing? Did someone say you can sing?! [pause] it is kind of catchy though...

B: So I came to her college on a surprise visit. To see my girl that was so exquisite.

T: Oh this is bad. surprise visits are never a good look. Also, a lot of hype for a 9/10 pants girl, just sayin'.

B: It was a school day, I knew she was there. The first semester of the school year.

T: good detective work!

B: I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm. This guy made me fill out a visitors form. He told me where it was and I as on my way. To see my baby doll, I was happy to say.

T: yo, I can't believe you went to her dorm. this is just some college girl who came to your show, right ...?

B: I arrived in front of the dormitory. Yo, could you tell me where is door three?

T: ... it's also weird you had to fill out the form before getting to the dorm. such weird security. Was this NYU?

B: They showed me where it was, for the moment. I didn't know I was in for such an event. So I came to her room and opened the door. Oh, snap! guess what I saw?

T: what??!!?

B: A fella tongue-kissing my girl in the mouth, I was so in shock my heart went down south.

T: damn, that sucks. but at least he wasn't penis-sexing your girl in the butt!

B: So please listen to the message that I say. Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend.

T: word.

The Video:


  1. Anonymous7/09/2007

    You are a funny dude Tan.

  2. lol

    your killin' me


  3. Anonymous7/09/2007

    haha ur funny :)

  4. she who has a friend, has a treasure. tsk.

  5. Anonymous7/10/2007

    "at least he wasn't penis-sexing your girl in the butt!"

    So funny.

  6. A lot of people sleep on the ageless relevance of the Biz

  7. I haven't heard this song in years! :)

  8. TAN,
    I only recently discovered your blog. It is now my favorite. And this post. . . High-larious! Thanks for making me laugh.

  9. In a more civilized world the Biz would be rightfully recognized as America's poet laureate.

  10. Ok, your "convo" with the Biz had me crying at work! Oooh man, I think Im sleep deprived, lol.


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