Love Isn't Always (Color) Blind [NY Post]
It's not a long piece, but here's some teaser:
But I was less colorblind than I thought. I confess feeling particularly hip on his arm, precisely because he was black, enabling me to telegraph to the world how open-minded and sophisticated I was. I enjoying bragging rights to his accomplishments, championing how he'd overcome prejudicial hurdles to rise to the top of a world dominated by whites.Elizabeth Hayt, columnist for the NY Post, and presumably penning her insights sometime in 1987 continues ...
Standing in the surgeon's bedroom, I was frozen with fear. It was one thing to be seen in public with him, but quite another to be naked. The darkness of his body was frighteningly exotic, so opposite my own fairness, which, by comparison, I suddenly perceived to be weak and wane. How would I touch his hair when I couldn't run my fingers through it? What if he was physically aggressive?I guess at this point there's not much to say, RKB's friend Judy McGuire pretty much covers the response.
But after seeing her picture, and not saying she's the most stunning woman in the world, but I'm just curious if any assimilated homeys out there would still let her run her fingers through your wooly hair after reading the article.
I guess we can keep it independent of Elizabeth "when I see dark bodies I feel" Hayt. In 2006 I wonder how black guys feel about doing it up with a girl who "might be" racist. She's hot like fire, and willing, but throughout your encounter she says some questionable shit. Do you do it, or do you pass? Does the "potential" racism play a factor, or would the decision be based strictly on your interest in having sex?
Holla back before I get physically aggressive up in here ...
I have dated a girl who might have been racist...might? She was! She grew up in a family where "nigger" and "spic" were used regularly..and as we all know, we are a product of our environment. When we dated in college, she would routinely use the "spic" word, but in my presence, she never called anyone a "nigger". However, I wasn't with her 24/7, so I can't be sure she never used it. I think I dated her because, one, she was hot, two, I think I wanted to try and change and enlighten her. Also, I think deep down she resented her family and how she was raised. After we broke up, she ended up dating another black dude...I guess it's true...once you go black.......indeed.
ReplyDeleteJudy McGuire absolutely summed it up with:
ReplyDelete"The result is a truly astonishing look into the mind of a complete moron"
How exactly does a retarted broad like Elizabeth Hayt land a surgeon??
I'm a black guy. This is funny as hell to me.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely hit off a hot chick who might be racist. I mean unless she said some blatant hateful shit directly to me. But just ignorance? No problem.
Elizabeth Hayt looks ok. Might depend on the alcohol level with her. Plus from the article she seems like one of these air-headed broads. So just depends with her.
I agree with anonymous, she sounds like your typical dumb white chick who found a thesaurus. I had a white boyfriend for a year and we definitely had our issues but overall our biggest clashes came from - you guessed it - personality rather than race directly. but then again, who are if not our respective races? here's my confession, early in our courtship i definitely freaked out worrying his penis would be small and the sex would be horrible. i was pleasantly surprised about both.
ReplyDeletebut there arose a large problem still, 6 months into our relationship, he spit out the N-word while rapping along to a song in my presence. maybe it shouldn't have been a big deal but it was.
i'm sure he got his rocks off dating/fucking a black chick, too. he and his friends are that sort of party-throwin, hip hop lovin triple five soul crowd (i know, what was i thinking)....now after our breakup, he says he wants to date spanish girls...sigh.
The potential racism would not play a factor, if you are just trying to tap that. 'Cause if she willing and fine, that is hard to pass up. Getting laided should be a non-racial decision. The question should be, is fine or not. But if you are trying to have her as your girl, well that would be bit of an issue.
ReplyDeleteI know several guys that believe that you can only have sex with white women because you will always be just some exotic lay for them or so way to get back at there racist father, etc.
Some girls you just f*ck and some girls you bring home to Mom. With some black guys they used skin color as a part of the criteria of which is which.
I'd hit it like the three-legged, mandigo, jungle-bunny that I am...Seriously though, it would depend on how "questionable" the shit she said was. Just plain ole "ignant" = ok. Racist = I might (who am I kidding? Will definitely) be getting locked up for slapping a white chick.
ReplyDeleteHolla.
-KC
Done and done, sir. No one raised in this country doesn't bring some fucked-up ideas into the bedroom, racism included. If I said I liked the look of my brown hand against a light-skinned(ded) thigh for nothing more than the thrill of contrast, I'd be lying. She was just honest enough to write reptile-brain-style thoughts out in stilted/poor fashion.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I'd love to say my ethics are stronger than my dick, but it has yet to be proven, and in my experience, "questionable shit" is always uttered at some point during sex. Who's your daddy?
So, TAN, there goes your theory about the Anons being all female...
ReplyDeleteI am not bothered so much by the second excerpt as the first (of course, I'm not black, so I guess that comes as no shock). Any girl who would date a black guy just to show that she was open minded and "sophisticated" is just as worthless as your run-of-the-mill gold digger. Dating someone to improve your status is just plain disgusting.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine once told me that white girls who date only black guys have daddy issues. What are your thoughts? I dated a girl once who only dated black guys (before me) and she definitely fell into that category.
Damn, 100% African? Which part?
ReplyDeleteDoes KC get to have an opinion on this? KC, you are one well dressed good looking black man. Your designer clothes might be a status thing before your race. You make most men look like hobos.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I don't get the people who place personals ads specifying the race they're seeking. Whether they're limiting their potential lover pool to people of the same race, or whether they have some sort of fetish for another race—either way it's odd and/or racist. "SWM seeking SHF or SAF"—what is that? "SWF seeking SWM"—what is that?
ReplyDeleteI know I'm on the naive side, but it still shocks me when people are blatantly racist. Don't they get it? Are we not a more enlightened and civilized generation? Apparently not. A lot of people in my Indiana hometown favor the phrase, "I'm not racist, but..." Like my ex-fiancé, who was appalled that I had slept with a black boyfriend in college. He said, "I'm not racist, but I'm not sure I want to be with someone who slept with a black guy." (!) A lot of it is ignorance, but many people (e.g. Elizabeth Hayt)actually seem to be in denial that they ARE, in fact, racist. They're completely ignorant of what racism means. That's a huge problem.
ReplyDeleteRacism bad, sex good. What to do?
ReplyDeleteI'll repeat, ANYONE who grew up in this country (or outside of it, for that matter-- I'm looking at you, Canada) is going to be at least a little racist. It's nearly impossible not to be. It's a successful divider, I think, because it's so simple-- it makes sense on a basic level, and I'm often suspicious of people who call out others when they express the echoes of centuries of bullshit. Who among us doesn't have that rattling around in their brain?
Now, do you own it and try to live better in spite of it? Or do you play down to it? I can't be the only one who fights this constantly and wins only about half the time.
It's a turnoff when the partner you are with, regardless of how 'hot' they find you, can't get beyond the 'colour of your skin' [mocha, java, etc] and details which are racially distinct rather than just parts of the person that I am. It's like he doesn't see me, the person, but me, the symbol of another race.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually of the mind to let Elizabeth Hayt slide. Ignorance is whatever, and she doesn't seem to have any ill intention certainly. But I just don't know if she should have a column. Maybe just a low traffic blog, you know ...?
ReplyDeletethe concensus thus far does seem to be sex over racism. which makes sense. the sex is concrete satisfaction, the racism is ambiguous and able to be rationalized if necessary.
White Dade - Are you asking seriously? a general statement like that strikes me as immediately questionable. I've dated light-skin ladies who didn't seem to have daddy issues.
virgle - yeah that's f'ed up. definitely something to leave you in a daze for a while.
betty - I'm tired of KC getting props on my blog yo. What's going on here??!!? F KC and his clothes.
buffy - I wouldn't compare your boyfriend's comment to the Hayt column. His comments raises my eyebrows a lot more.
well said anonymous (the last one...)
word ...
I was actually referring the 2:15 anon, not the 2:31. But the 2:30 one, you said some good ish too son.
ReplyDeleteok... there better not be another anon commenting before i post this.
On a similar note, do you pass the ball to/dap the well-meaning but misguided white guy wearing the Iverson jersey and throwing the screwface on your team? Or do you take the loss via freeze-out ethics intact?
ReplyDeleteThis is the real question for me, as I'm married and relegated to brown on white sex (and its mysterious questions) for the forseeable future.
That should read: "... via freeze-out, ethics intact?"
ReplyDeletei'd just like to add that a lot of the times when we say "racist" we actually mean "bigot." most of the folks we're describing dont actually HATE brown people which is what racism is actually about. though buffyics, it does sound like your man mighta had a lil more hate in him than ignorance, sorry for that experience and glad to hear he's an EX-fiance.
ReplyDeleteSex over bigotry, our own fears, confusions is a definite yes. I mean we're all fucked up in one way or another, why would this one thing stop us!
I'll admit though, there does seem to be a higher concentration of "otherizing" white women than not. I went to high school with a white girl who had a light-skinned half-black boyfriend. every afternoon she sat on the couch in our senior lounge and sighed, "o i just had a big black dick in me, i'm so sore." .....in college, i had numerous white girls ask me what it was like to sleep with a black guy and others tell me their fantasies about doing so.
on the flipside, since i work in the white-washed media world, when i had a white boyfriend i used to make jokes that i'd get more respect because i was fucking a white guy e.g. "look guys, i'm just like you!"...but sometimes, i wasn't really joking.
No, TAN, I was not asking seriously. But that is a coment that someone made to me once. I figure you have more experience dating white girls who date black guys than I do, so you would be a good person to disprove his hypothesis. So thank you.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's hard being a black man in America, but hey, at least we're not Asian women. They get otherized for sex just as much, if not worse. If I had a nickle for every white-guy/Asian-girl couple I've seen...
ReplyDeleteTell me that's not fetishization. And tell me the principals involved don't recognize that on some level. IT'S WHAT WE DO.
Virgle: I feel your pain, son...I've had the parents of some of the paler chicks I've dated give me/and or my family the cold shoulder on more than one occasion.("gentle, god fearing, positive negroes..." Nigga please!)
ReplyDeleteBetty: If I could blush, I would be...Also, I put my little 2 cents in a little earlier on in the thread. Nothing too serious, just trying to keep it light.
TAN: Why you hating son? Is this going to be another McNabb/TO situation, where two black men have to go after each other in the media? C'mon man, black on black crime is as wack as having a white chick talk about running her "fingers through my wooliness"!
-KC
My vote on the overall issue would probably be sex over ignorance. Brown Baby is right to break it down between ignorance and bigotry. Ignorance can be corrected, but bigotry probably portends other deeper, more lasting problems, and a solid lay isn't going to change that. A spectacular one, perhaps.
ReplyDeleteWhat Hayt wrote was pretty dang retarded, but maybe that was the point. Somebody who writes books, is supposed to be enlightened, and has a weekly column at a semi-prestigous fish wrapper is actually thinking this dumb shit. She was showing us that sometimes you have to overcome your own stupidity, ignorance, or prejudices if you're going to get some inter-cultural lovin, and it's not as easy as you think.
No? Don't believe that either? Well, I tried. In a previous life, I may have been a defense attorney.
Come on KC and TAN. Don't fight. That Betty just likes to start trouble and divide the community. Don't fall for it!
TAN - you're right, my ex-fiancé's comments are on a different, more hateful level than Hayt's, but I think both come from the same place--ignorance of the fact that one's comments/beliefs actually are racist. Although I think Brown Baby is more on point with regard to Hayt being more of a bigot than racist...unlike my ex.
ReplyDeleteWhat really rips my knickers is the assumption that if you're dating/shagging/whatever a person outside your own race then somehow it is a racial issue and there are major psychological/familial/socio-economic/etc issues in play. Because hotness knows no racial boundaries in my experience, and sometimes its nice to meet a person with whom you share a mutual attraction.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that right TAN?
Thanks Claire! that pretty much sums up what I wanted to say. I am a white girl that was in a relationship with an asian guy for nearly 4 years. When most of my friends met him they would say to me "You never said he was asian!" and I would reply "yeah, I just never really notice it" And I didn't. It was the same as having brown eyes, or blonde hair. It was nothing. Just recently, I was seeing a blask guy, and when he met my sister, her response was "He's black?" I had forgotten to tell her, because I just don`t notice myself. Honestly, there are not always racial issues at play.
ReplyDeleteHeather
Heather, are you blind or do you come from the future?
ReplyDeletewhile i agree with the recent comments that no it ain't always racial (but it can be), the "I don't see color" line ruffles my feathers too much. we all see color and to say you don't is just as insulting as saying that color is all you see. we don't need to be a color-blind society to function better, we need to see color and not give a damn. there's a huge difference. i want people to see my color, it's a part of who i am, a big part. i just don't want it to be used against me.
ReplyDeleteAre you guys all kidding me? Sex even with a racist? I am mixed and I went out on my (first) date with a white guy. He was a personal trainer and damn fine. He told me that although he was extremely attracted to black women and dated them often, he would never marry a black woman because he didn't want his kids to have nappy hair. I let him pay for dinner and hightailed it outta there.
ReplyDeleteThrough the wooliness eh? this might be why I shaved my head. Sad to say, I've chosen sex over ignorance many a time, as reflected in the number of times I've heard that bloody, "isn't it crazy what you skin looks like against mine?" line. Eventually it wears on the nerves and they get the boot. Racism I definitely couldn't deal with. It's hard to be with someone who actually hates you. Someone with no sensitivity for these issues? Somewhat manageable, for a time. The annonymous fella who said that you can't really date if you've been raised or even live in this country without dealing with some level of this stuff is pretty right. And yeah, white folks have a lot of it, but as brown baby points out, they ain't the only ones.
ReplyDeleteI am an african american woman and to be completely honest with you before reading this I was oblivious to the white racist with a black man. I stumbled upon this because I'm doing a report on racism in films but I just wanted to say I've never dated anything besides a black man because of how proud I am of my own race. To come up from the bottom which is where we were to be able to achieve what was said to be impossible. Black is beautiful to me and hey you can't hide beauty! Any race of women see that when they look into the face of a strong black man so maybe she wasn't with him for the wrong reasons maybe she was with him for what he stood for and didn't think ahead to the sex life.
ReplyDeletei just wrote a REALLY long comment and then deleted it.
ReplyDeletei wish i could explain what i'm thinking...
I know black dudes who get off on interracial-hate-fucking particularly privileged and possibly racist white women. I'm no Eldridge Cleaver, but I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I understand this behavior: it has a twisted logic to it that makes sense to me.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I loathe the idea of white guys interracial-hate-fucking black women (for obvious reasons). The historical interacial/sexual dynamics are very different, but I acknowledge the double standard.
I broke up with a black girl because she couldn't get past the racial differences. I didn't date her because she was black. I dated her because she was smokin hot. When she said she wanted to play 'slave girl' one night, that was the end. I mean right then. Got up, got dressed, good bye.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, let me just say that this is a very thoughtful post. (Because I know just how much MY reassurance means to you?)
ReplyDeleteJust recently I found my mind populated with a similar set of thoughts: What should I do if my lover has racist ideas? What if the lover with racist ideas is black (and the racist ideas are also about blacks)? Is the only upshot of being a black man that I occasionally get certain parts of my anatomy compared to that of members of the equine family?
Two months ago I was dating a woman (white) who regularly remarked that I was ‘the biggest she ever had’ and about what a thrill it was to be with a black man. (On a few occasions she even mentioned being afraid of ‘it’.) I would be less than honest if I didn’t say that on one level her comments weren’t flattering. But on another level they were deeply (and surprisingly) disturbing.
I’ve had black women also comment about my ‘size’ and I’ve long assumed that such comments are just one of the little favours women extend to their inamoratos, knowing just how self-conscious we men could be about these things. In short, women often tell men ‘you’re the biggest I’ve ever had’ (whether true or not) as a means of affectionate reassurance…and frankly, that’s one lie most guys don’t mind being told. But in the case of my white lover(s), my size and sexual prowess was firmly linked to my race. It wasn’t, ‘YOU are an excellent lover’, it was more like ‘YOU PEOPLE!’
As one who regularly finds himself surrounded by non-blacks (I am a post-graduate student in analytic philosophy at the University of St Andrews in Scotland…you do the math!) I’ve been forced to undergo this experience more than I care to admit. Now here’s the part where I’m supposed to share my big breakthrough and impart a few well-selected pearls of wisdom…but I’ve got nothing! But I would say that I discontinued the aforementioned affair after only a couple encounters, and while I wouldn’t go so far as to say her racial comments were the only factor responsible, it was certainly one (high) on the list.
P.S.: Brilliant blog!
at the end of the day, are we not all human beings?
ReplyDeletei have read your crap and self pity above and it sickens me.
stop talking siht and live,
To the "smoking hot" black girl that anonymous left because she wanted to play "slave girl: Call me.
ReplyDeleteAs for me, a black male, I simply am phtsically attracted to pale skin. End of story, no apologies.
ReplyDeleteIm 16 & white and i live with my grandparents who are totally against interracial relationships as a matter of fact my whole family is and im currently dating a black guy and Im in Love with him theres nothing else to say about it im going to prom with him this year and when my grandparents found out all hell broke loose it was terriable. I havent told them me and him are going out yet just the fact that i was going to prom with him and some of the things they said actually hurt me they had my family members call me from different states just to call me white trash and everything noone in my family has spoken to me in 2 weeks not even a word and its heartbreaking that a family can do this to their own flesh and blood. I have never been racist in any type of way even when i was younger, most of my friends were black anyways so i never really thought anything of it and now my grandparents 1 and a half months before prom want me to cancel on him and tell him i cant go or to find someone of my own kind to go with and i called my mother to tell her whats going on and she said to do as they say. Like seriously now, and I see people on different sites saying its wrong and whatnot but honestly the world started off with 2 people just 2 people what happened after that i dont know and i honestly dont care but this is for the people who treat their family members like crap because of the fact that they date out of their "race" whats the big deal?? your suppossed to love and support your kids not torture them until they finally break.I personally am strong willed and i fight for what i believe in and what i believe in is that i love my boyfriend and i am not going to leave him because my family disapproves with my decision its just down right immature some of you adults act. You are so set on color this and color that, that you forgot about one major thing, LOVE. Its all we need to honestly go on. And I read something that said only white girls with problems date black men you are absolutly wrong and one day hopefully you'll realize it, it has nothing to do with color. If my boyfriend was white I would still be dating him because I LOVE him hes my everything. I've dated white guys before, I've dated black, hispanic, chinese guys before It doesnt matter their race or their religon the only thing that matters is how much you love them and how much they love you in return. So, I guess Im just trying to say see people for other stuff than color. And stop giving people dirty looks when you see them at fairs or parties or anything else just hanging out stop looking at them like there scum and there no good. Because Honestly I have no issue getting up and asking someone if they have an issue. I have the upmost respect for everyone until they give me and him that dirty look like we dont belong together and we shouldnt be together. One of my best friends who happens to be white called me a "N. Lover" yesterday & i let it go because my boyfriend said to let her go because shes just jealous she'll never be this happy. And I've read some things people post about how white people want to show off to everyone that their different and they go with a black guy to get the attention and stuff. MY GOD people did you ever honestly consider their in LOVE?!?! No it has to be she has a problem theres something wrong with her it cant ever be shes in love with him they make a cute couple. Im just asking that you look twice at that couple and look how happy they are together before you judge anything, and to see that us white girls dont want to show off honestly i get more ignorant comments from people than anything else so if it was to show off and i didnt love him i wouldnt be with him because i honestly hate those remarks and the stares and the gestures but when your in LOVE with someone you learn to ignore them. Thats all im asking you do is to grow up and think about the 2 people the world started out with and how everyones the same and how much you hurt your own family when you disown them for falling in LOVE. Thats it. Thank You
ReplyDeletesome black women avoid white men because of the fear of racist attitudes.
ReplyDeletesome black men seek out racist bed partners because in some psychosexual way it's their way of getting back for all the lynching that went on in America (not the Clarence Thomas type lynching but the lynching where people would cut off a black man's dick and then have a barbecue. Good times!).
Good news for Lizzy Hayt -- she's probably still getting laid from that article!
Hey TAN - lovely blog!
ReplyDeleteAvery Archer: I've been on the receiving end of that kind of ("you PEOPLE are so x, y or z") and have also dished out the same kind of treatment ("oooh, look at the contrast in the skin!") that you find irksome. But in my last relationship, my ex is (was? still is) black and I'm Asian, which kind of changed-up the usual one-way flow that occurs with 'other-ing'. There was a certain leveling of the power dynamic of White Standard v Deviant Race for both of us since it was a trump card neither of us hold. In previous relationships, it was MY parents who were backward, MY background that was exotic, MY experience that was left of centre. This is not necessarily untrue either but it never came back to this. We're both very well assimilated (met at grad school, immigrant experience etc) and that experience was certainly part of what brought us in synch...and our respective hotnesses, natch.
Also, I often take umbrage with this whole idea of the Asian fetish, in spite of myself. There is 'preference' and there is 'fetish' that holds the racial attribute constant and foregrounded and, ultimately, over-defined. But when I'm confronted with "those guys"- and we know they exist - it just complicates things further. Sometimes, I just wish I actually did have an inborn talent for kung fu fighting so I could kick them in the head.