Wednesday, February 15, 2006

WYSIWYG: Sex On Shrooms (Pt. 3)

Sex On Shrooms (Pt. 2)
Sex On Shrooms (Pt. 1)

So we’re driving. And I keep asking Kate how she knew I would pick up the phone, and generally telling her I can’t believe this is going on. And I don’t know what to do. And obviously we have to get married. And my whole life has changed. And our whole life has changed. And she’s sort of responding, but not really, which is probably for the best since she was driving … and tripping. Plus we had just learned we didn’t necessarily need words for us to communicate.

I didn’t know where we were going. And I didn’t really care. But next thing I knew the car stopped. It was now early evening. Maybe four to five hours since the trip started. We were in some park like area, it looked like one of those “lover’s points” where couples go to die in horror movies. But this was no horror movie. This was a romantic movie. And it was about to turn rated X.

We looked at each other, and once again no words were necessary. It was cinematic. Drug enhanced cinema, but cinematic nonetheless. We immediately flew at each other. Pawing at clothes, tongues and saliva just flying around unbridled. It seemed we were literally trying to somehow engulf and consume each other. We got out of the car, and all of a sudden she just started running. I shouted earnestly, “No, you’re not supposed to run. That’s crazy. Who wants to run right now??!?!?” Then I ran. Running was nice. It was running with a purpose.

She stopped in a grassy area, near a lamppost, and we both lied down, no hesitation, still bubbling over each other, giddy from this most intimate of connections. I thought this is going to be the Best. Sex. Ever.

We slid our pants down, but didn’t take them off completely. I mentioned condoms, and we both immediately broke out in laughter. Hahahahahaha. Condoms??!!? Who thinks of such silliness at a time like this. I suspect it occurred to both of us at the same time that we pay 25-30K a year for school specifically so that we can do drugs on the weekends, and have reckless carefree sex. They don’t let people with STD’s in to college. It’s all about drugs and disease free sex with hot, smart ladies and guys. YES!!! COLLEGE!!! WANNA GO???

I initially sat on the grass bare-assed, but then pulled up my boxers, cause damn that shit was cooooold. She then slid herself on top of me, and Oh. My. God. Every feeling seemed to have celestial implications. Obviously this was what the universe was all about. A penis, and a vagina, meeting ….together. It was like plate tectonics. It was the solution to all of the world’s problems, if only we could just see this was what it was all about.

She got off my lap and lied down on her back. She told me this was the most awesome time of her life, and asked me to take her again. Enter her once more. I looked at her, feeling primed up, but then I had to pause…

For some reason the light from the lamppost nearby caused this weird shading on her vagina. Now this was before sex and the city and girls being really particular about being manicured down there, so it was a little bushy, nothing extravagant, but with the shading it created this weird visual scene. The darkness covered half of her area, and the other half was lit, but the shrooms made it look like the shadows from the dark side were actively moving into the light. With our psychic connection, and having figured out the world’s problems vis-à-vis vaginal penetration as context, I told her that it appeared to me a battle was being waged over her vagina. A battle between good and evil. And I wouldn’t be able to continue until it was over and I saw who won.

Somehow she seemed to understand. So she lied down, while I watched the shadows and light battle over her vagina.

But then, suddenly, the light in the lamppost went out. And the whole scene was plunged into relative darkness. Noooooooooooo I screamed. Evil had won. I couldn’t believe it. I started tearing up. And then almost as suddenly as the light going out, I got sick. Kate was still lying down trying to evaluate the situation, and I think when the light went out we lost our psychic connection. Everything seemed wrong. And everything was making me sick. The shrooms, the somewhat bushy vagina, evil conquering over good, it was all too overwhelming. Next thing I knew, I threw up all over the scene. Not the park scene. The scene where the battle between good and evil was waged. Her vagina.

Kate took off her pants and ran butt naked back to the car. I didn’t chase after her. What could I do, I just threw up on my psychic soulmate’s vagina. All I could feel was shame. And besides evil had just conquered over good. Surely the world was about to end soon anyways.

Eventually I gained some composure and realized I had been stranded out in the middle of nowhere. I walked out to a nearby road and all of a sudden I heard some music playing …

This was where the story at WYSIWYG ended, but here on TAN, sans time restrictions, the saga continues in hip hop form ...

Sex On Shrooms (epilogue/road to nowhere)

Sex On Shrooms (Pt. 2)
Sex On Shrooms (Pt. 1)


  1. Who doesn't hate it when blown chunks cling to the short and curlies? That's always a downer, man.

  2. Anonymous2/15/2006

    Brilliantly told tale of a horrible time. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Wow. That was some bad sex.

    Sounds like the WYSIWYG thing went well, though. Congrats on getting a good piece (in the literary sense, strictly in the literary sense, stop looking for bad sexist puns here) out of the bad sex.

  4. I think I heard about a similar story in college...I didn't know it was you! hahahaha...GO BANTAMS!

  5. You know I usually like hearing guys tell sex stories about as much as I like looking at vacation slides, but this was the great exception. Sorry I was not able to witness that live.

    Incidentally, I was at the Heat game last night and a message came up on the scoreboard that said "Happy V-Day Tan." My friend leaned over to me and said, "That f*cking Tan. He's everywhere. His sphere of influence is similar to that of the illuminati." Thought you might appreciate the fact that his first thought was not that it might be some Vietnamese guy, but rather a reference to The Assimilated Negro.

  6. Anonymous2/21/2006


  7. this is the best story ever! I hope you don't mind, I may link this to my blog so others can love this and you!

    Oh, and just so you know, I have done the mind meld thing before too...only we were sober.


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