Friday, November 16, 2007

WIth This Orgasm I Thee Wed

It recently dawned on me that I don’t like girls. I like girls cumming.

Don't get me wrong, girls are awesome. I don't dislike them. They're all hot and stuff. And it's cute to see them laughing. But as smoking as you may be, every girl goes up a notch when she's cumming.

Whenever I'm on a date or something it's sort of like yeah, blah blah, you like the museum, you like shopping, you like poetry, blahbity blah. And I'm always rocking the sly smile, and thinking, yeah you might like those things .... but you ain't gonna be talkin' about none of that ish when you're cumming tonight. The only spoken words for this evening are: Oh. My. God.

It's the ultimate equalizer. If you can get them all flushed and winded and out of control and trembling and just ..... mmmmm. You feel like the Lebron James of labias who just went baseline and dunked on her dome, and you want to stand there and taunt, “Take that!! What say your years of feminist empowerment theory now, beeotch???”

Cause that's when it's most satisfying, with these haughty you-can't-do-nothing-for-me girls. Pffft.

Although young girls are nice also. Like under 30. I almost think young girls getting the business is something that demands federal regulation. It's like legal slavery. You break off a good one and you can go ahead and hook the plow up around her neck and have her till the fields or whatever. I got my 40 Acres and A Girl I made cum last night.

Of course this is a lot of tough talk and bravado, and I know there are a couple girls reading this thinking, naaaahhhh TAN, I know you, you ain't no Lebron James son. I've certainly had my fair share of depressing nights where I've had nothing to work with but two cold eyes staring at me while I jigger-jigger away, “um, yeah, your little wrap-around-and-diddling-my-doodle thing might have worked on that virgin, but I need less limp noodle and more beef in my Lo Mein, nah mean.” Or at least, that's what the asian chicks say.

Fact is, if you're an alcoholic and blessed with an Okey Dokey Pokey, some swings-and misses are inevitable.

But it doesn't change the point. Come to think of it, I don't think I'm friends with any girls who I've swung-and-missed with. Strictly enemies. No love. No emails. Just spit in my face if I happen to cross their path.

So again, it just goes to show, it's not about the girl, it's about her orgasm. The rest is all blahbity-blah.

I think that's all I have to say. Now .... bring on the weekend!!!

21 comments:

  1. ...about her orgasm?!

    Hah! Just one?

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  2. Well anyone who has gotten laid recently probably hates you. Anyone who hasn't is probably emailing you.

    Hope you're ready to deliver, Lebron

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  3. That's why we fake it, dude! So we still have the power... (reverse fuckology). Evil Laughter!

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  4. Tracer Bullet11/16/2007

    I like to walk around the bed afterward. I just made you come and now you're laying in a puddle of your own juices shaking like a car with bad gas? Fuck yes, I'm going to strut. Then I look deeply into my lover's eyes and say, "I knocked yo' ass out."

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  5. My, my, my. Pure poetry.

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  6. give me a basic black break11/17/2007

    "...while I jigger-jigger away ..."

    Well, yes, perhaps that's part of the problem.

    But that's for Advanced Technique Class, and it sounds like you may have to repeat Basic.

    That's the trouble with BushAmerica. Jackassery like this is allowed to flourish unstinted.

    :rolleyes:

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  7. Anonymous11/17/2007

    Jezebel says you're a misogynist.

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  8. Although young girls are nice also. Like under 30. I almost think young girls getting the business is something that demands federal regulation.

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  9. Stop giving people ideas, you abolitionist fucker.

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  10. that was hot. and hella true. and it's the same way when guys who talk a big game are quivering and moaning with their eyes about to pop out...

    i wish you luck in your hunt for the perfect lady who cums like it's her job. and no talking.

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  11. Anonymous11/18/2007

    the words of a wise woman: "so you can make me cum, that doesn't make you Jesus."
    Enough said.

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  12. "so you can make me cum, that doesn't make you Jesus."

    That's true, it makes you God.

    As in, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh my fucking God!"

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  13. "you can go ahead and hook the plow up around her neck and have her till the fields or whatever."

    Wow.

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  14. *sigh*.

    Who said it best? "That's why we fake it".

    You have no idea how many times we fake it. Joke's on you!

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  15. Yes. Thank the Lord I know how to make myself cum, to make up for all that jibberin’ and jabberin’ of nothing…just gimme some head…go ahead, you know you want to…you’ll feel better…

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  16. Anonymous11/19/2007

    Wow, this is an infinitely sad post. Sad or pathetic. I hardly know where to begin. I'm going to assume this was satire so that I continue reading this blog...

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  17. Orgasms are overrated! Eat chocolate cake.

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  18. What anonymous said. Ditto.

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  19. Anonymous11/20/2007

    Hmm, it's so refreshing to see that there are still men who relish using sex as a means of control over women. Ahh, these are probably the same men whose bosses are women. :-)

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  20. Funny, when I'm having sex, the voices of grungy chick rock stars (ala Joan Jett) pop into my head. Especially when I'm in the control seat called fellatio. She sounds something like this:

    "How do you like THAT, muther fuckuh? You think your gonna cum? On no, you're not gonna cum yet. I'll TELL you when you're gonna come. You're gonna cum when I've had your cock so far down my throat for so long that it's now become a contest to see which one of us is going to pass out first. Sustained together, like the silent hum of a wall of monitors, until I gulp, and my throat tightens around your fucking dick like a hammering chord ripping through a 30,000 capacity crowd. THAT's when you're gonna cum."

    And hey Anonymous...sex as a control mechanism is fucking hot for a lot of people. Even feminists.

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  21. would you mind if i posted this on my blog??
    ill credit you of course

    hilarious

    ReplyDelete

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