WIth This Orgasm I Thee Wed

It recently dawned on me that I don’t like girls. I like girls cumming.

Don't get me wrong, girls are awesome. I don't dislike them. They're all hot and stuff. And it's cute to see them laughing. But as smoking as you may be, every girl goes up a notch when she's cumming. 

Whenever I'm on a date or something it's sort of like yeah, blah blah, you like the museum, you like shopping, you like poetry, blahbity blah. And I'm always rocking the sly smile, and thinking, yeah you might like those things .... but you ain't gonna be talkin' about none of that ish when you're cumming tonight. The only spoken words for this evening are: Oh. My. God. 

It's the ultimate equalizer. If you can get them all flushed and winded and out of control and trembling and just ..... mmmmm. You feel like the Lebron James of labias who just went baseline and dunked on her dome, and you want to stand there and taunt, “Take that!! What say your years of feminist empowerment theory now, beeotch???” 

Cause that's when it's most satisfying, with these haughty you-can't-do-nothing-for-me girls. Pffft. Although young girls are nice also. Like under 30. I almost think young girls getting the business is something that demands federal regulation. It's like legal slavery. You break off a good one and you can go ahead and hook the plow up around her neck and have her till the fields or whatever. I got my 40 Acres and A Girl I made cum last night.

Of course this is a lot of tough talk and bravado, and I know there are a couple girls reading this thinking, naaaahhhh TAN, I know you, you ain't no Lebron James son. I've certainly had my fair share of depressing nights where I've had nothing to work with but two cold eyes staring at me while I jigger-jigger away, “um, yeah, your little wrap-around-and-diddling-my-doodle thing might have worked on that virgin, but I need less limp noodle and more beef in my Lo Mein, nah mean.” Or at least, that's what the asian chicks say. 

Fact is, if you're an alcoholic and blessed with an Okey Dokey Pokey, some swings-and misses are inevitable. But it doesn't change the point. Come to think of it, I don't think I'm friends with any girls who I've swung-and-missed with. Strictly enemies. No love. No emails. Just spit in my face if I happen to cross their path. So again, it just goes to show, it's not about the girl, it's about her orgasm. The rest is all blahbity-blah. 

I think that's all I have to say. Now .... bring on the weekend!!!

Notes and Links: Who Will Be LeBron James's Next NBA Franchise?

"The Decision". LeBronapalooza. LeBronageddon. Whatever you want to call it, it's impossible to escape.

My boy Leitch (who recently made his own commitment, for slightly less dollars) has been all over the King James beat for NY Mag. This comes a couple months after he co-authored the Magazine's cover story/pitch (where the image comes from). So you could do worse for a one-stop shop on all the nuts and bolts...

But it's not like you necessarily need a one-stop shop since everywhere has a little something-something to offer. Last night Julianne Moore was on The Daily Show, promoting her new movie "The Kids Are All Right". It's a movie that some might regard as important, offering as it does a modern take on the au courant issue of gay marriage and gay parenting in America. Still, the main topic of conversation was LeBron's Choice. And the best part was Julianne Moore being so eager/earnest to discuss it despite being somewhat ignorant to the nuance and variables of the story (for example, zero awareness of how signing Amar'e helps, not hurts, with LeBron). I suspect this means her native NY'er hubby might be paying more attention to #LeBron twitter alerts than his stunning Hollywood wife with a new movie out, and she's just trying to keep up with the slang of it all.

AssimiLinks: Your Jealousy and Black Female Rabbis are Useless To Me, Like Newspapers and Indie Dream Girls

Changes afoot. TAN soldiers being recruited and suited up for war. There will be AssimiLink-dumps. Send assimilated links, news, brainfarts to theassimilatednegro at gmizzy.

~~

On Jealousy: "Jealousy may be losing its utility in contemporary life, more useful to our ancestors than to us" -- does this mean in 100 years jealousy might not exist? useless and/or phased out via our evolutionary tract like the dodo bird, the appendix, third nipples? what other emotions are no longer useful to us nowadays? Psychology Today with the fodder for thought.

Paper vs. Web, the unscientific experiment: Slate's having some people only read physical newspapers for a few days, while others only read the web. Unscientific but interesting, and a model TAN might use to to conduct some cultural experiments of his own.

Speaking of newspapers, how does the Times home page gets made: don't need much more explanation than that. via the Observer.

LeBron James going from classy to ashy: Josh Levin dissects the Lebron James video cover-up. "The man who wants to be known as "The Global Icon" should be smart enough to realize that a single dunk in a pickup game does a lot more to build the name of the unknown dunker than it does to harm the world-famous dunkee. LeBron lost face the only way he possibly could have: by failing to be magnanimous." Indeed. Although really the reason to peep is for inclusion of video of Michael Jordan losing a one-on-one game to CEO John Rogers. Nice insightful pull on that one, Josh.

Indie Dream girls: Doree Shafrir, who's hot to death right now, explores the genre of manic pixie dream girls in movies. we're gonna have some focused follow-up on this.

First African-American Female Rabbi: have the jews gone post-racial and post-gender? i'm surprised at the lack of negro memos i've received on this.

And finally, some unreleased Nas, a snippet from a song called "Colors", from DJ Khalil and OKP

DJ Khalil and Nas in the studio recording "Colors" from DJ KHALIL on Vimeo.

illustration: via

The Curious Case of Blacks & Monkeys

I wrote about the New York Post's monkey cartoon over on NBC New York.

Much like the post I wrote for Fanhouse around this time last year when LeBron and Gisele Bundchen posed for a controversial Vogue cover shoot, I don't really get the hubbub. These images strike me as racial Rorschach tests; they reveal more about your own personal racialized perspective, than actual objective truth on malicious racist intent.

Also, in the post I didn't get to include my two scientific nits on this matter:

1. monkeys and chimps aren't the same. check the wiki.

2. monkey scientists are telling us there's only 2% difference between the DNA of chimps and humans, so technically, the insult wouldn't be that far off from the truth. And is universally applicable to blacks, whites, asians etc. So, like, Irina Shayk is almost a monkey too! It's really not such a bad deal in that case, right Al?

anyways, that's all kind of silly and beside the point. But I do wonder, especially here in NYC, when will Black people get the monkey off their back? Will there ever be a time I can call my president a monkey, and have it just be a corny joke about how he walks to the bathroom on all fours with weight on his knuckles or something? If any city should be able to roll their eyes at this, you figure it would be NYC. It's not like we think Obama's stressing any of this, right? If Irina Shayk doesn't care if you call her a monkey, why should Jessica White? All seems a little silly, or curious.

Anyape, give me a banana, some hi-fives from a cute girl, and I'm all good-- racial associations be damned.


Post Cartoon Is Not Worth Protesting Over [NBC NY]
Related:
Vogue Is Not Saying Give LeBron A Banana [TAN, AOL Fanhouse]

Vogue Offers LeBron A Banana?

On Fanhouse I wonder how someone could see racism in the recent Vogue cover featuring LeBron and Gisele?


It's one thing to have some racialized (or whathaveyou) thoughts come to mind, I'm down with that, but it's a stretch to call foul on this cover. On Vogue, but especially on LeBron. You gotta let a brother live. Getting to manhandle Gisele on the cover of Vogue is pretty much a no-brainer for any man, from 8-80, no matter the potential image crisis.

All I'm saying is if that cover is a problem, we definitely have to go back and do something about this one:

Like going back and putting me in the dress and heels.

I Don't Think Vogue Is Saying Someone Should Give LeBron A Banana [Fanhouse]

Kanye Destroys SNL

If you didn't see SNL this weekend, it was hosted by Lebron James with Kanye West as the musical guest. Lebron fumbled the ball a little, Crash & Learn styley, but Kanye kills it. His sketch was easily the best, and then he goes off the dome in his second performance of the night. More on this to come, but here are the vids:

Final Thoughts On The Finals

A great NBA playoffs concluded last night with the Miami Heat winning their first championship. Shaq gets his fourth, Riley his fifth, and a bunch of former-stars-now-role-players their first. Dwyane Wade earned the right to be compared to Jordan, at least until his next playoff series loss.

Here are some more Finals thoughts:

~ I had the Heat and Mavs in the Finals. Plus Heat in 6. I am waiting for someone to show up with my grand prize. Maybe I get to replace Shandon Anderson on the roster (you know the 9th man in the 8-man Miami rotation, who didn't need to have NBA level skills, just energy)

~ The Mavs are the more talented all around team. Great team. But no one beats Jordan in the Finals. It is tempting to say this team, with the Avery Johnson, Dirk, Jet, Josh Howard core will definitely get one. And I think they will also. But the Suns with Amare? Whoah. San Antonio is always there. And who’s going to be most inspired by this playoff? Phil Jackson and Kobe. Those two must be tossing and turning, consoling each other over their less pristine legacies. Who’s the greatest player in the NBA now? Who’s the greatest coach in the NBA now? The West is once again a beast.

~ Speaking of coach. I always thought the NFL was the league where your head coach mattered the most. No figures were as imposing as Bill Parcells or a Bill Belichick, or a Bill Cowher. (If you're an NFL Coach, you should change your name to Bill.) But maybe it's the NBA. Riley, Popovic, Larry Brown, Phil Jackson have won all the recent Championships. Pistons better fire Flip right now if they want to get back. And it's all the more reason to consider murder-suicide if Dolan and Thomas pay Larry Brown to leave the Knicks. If you need a great coach, despite the current roster conditions, the Knicks are closer to a championship than a lot of other teams.

~ The NBA also has the most entrenched apprenticeship formula for a ring. All the great teams have paid their dues via playoff losses with escalating stakes. You play in the semis, and lose. Then you play in the conference finals, and lose. Then you go to the Finals. Miami just finished the cycle. Dallas is on the doorstep. Phoenix is now primed also. San Antonio is the biggest team that hasn't really followed the formula.

~ Talk about a master motivator. Did you see Riley's reveal about the secret championship bowl that was shrouded in, um, secrecy and speculated on by everyone in the media. Maybe it's precious valuables? Maybe it's a book on how to hit free throws?? Maybe it's Pat Riley's hair pommade??? What did it end up being? A BOWL OF LITTLE PAPER CARDS. AWESOME!!! You're a master motivator when you get 15 millionaires to do what you want via a bunch little paper trading cards.

~ Zo, Antoine, Payton. Does anyone remember when they used to question Alonzo Mourning's heart in Georgetown? When he was the big underachiever? That's comical now. He was the fourth most important player on the Heat after Wade, Posey, and Haslem. Considering the minutes, it might be a bit of a stretch to put him ahead of Shaq, but his impact per minute easily dwarfed Shaq's. Toine had a nice Game 6, though he's still yet to hit a shot from the perimeter. And I still don't know how they survived with him guarding anyone. Payton was a mess except for those two HUGE baskets he hit. How about that play when he's jawing with the ref as they're trying to swing the ball back around through him and it hits him in the back? I hope he's retiring on top.

~ Riley constructed the team. Made specific mention of getting wounded guys. Guys who had been there but didn't get over the hump. Guys who had been humbled. It's an interesting idea, but I wouldn't advise it for everyone, 9 times out of 10 you'll end up with a team of losers. I wonder if Riley could reconstruct the old Sonics team led by Payton and Kemp and get a Championship out of them. Presuming Wade played the 2 of course.

~ Dallas seemed immature these final two games. A lot of jawing with refs. Avery let loose after game 5. They were a great team in part because of their dignified professional approach. They expected to be doubted agaisnt the Spurs. But once they had everyone on their side, they expected too much. The refs were out of hand in game 5, but you're supposed to just take the lumps, keep your head down, and persevere. When I saw Dirk's tantrum, and even Avery spouting off, I knew it was over. The mental game was won.

~ Shaq and Zo were the #1 and #2 picks in the ’92 draft

~ No Dirk. Wade's the big breakout star, but Udonis Haslem has made a name for himself I think. He killed himself with fouls all series, but he was incredible in terms of his defense on Dirk. And he finally got to relax and show his jumper in Game 6. He's the prototype 4 guy, Tough inside, tough on the glass, solid 15-foot jump shot. Only thing he's lacking is shot-block ability. He might be second to Wade in terms of value to the team.

~ If i’s not Haslem, it’s definitely James Posey who is second to Wade. Posey was the man. D'ing up on Dirk and Josh Howard. And hitting 3's. And taking about ten million charges. And hitting some big 3's. James Posey beat the Mavs goddammit.

~ If Miami had a nice defensive point guard. They’d actually be good. They need to freshen up the bench, get a good player in the draft. Perimeter defense.

~ What’s been great about this Finals is you now look forward to next year. So many great stories. Lebron. Are the Pistons done? New Jersey. And out West it's even crazier. NBA season is too long though. They still need to cut a month off the season.

~ What’s remarkable about seeing Shaq become mortal is realizing how ridiculous he used to be. He still commanded a double team in this series (probably the last time he commands an automatic double), but all those in close moves he missed used to be dunks. And his rebounding has fallen off the charts.

~ There wasn't a good pure point guard in this series. Mavs will be good when Devin Harris becomes a good point guard, instead of just a speed freak.

And that's about it folks. So begins the slow time in sports. Until the NFL starts up, it's all sex all the time.