Thursday, March 09, 2006

Wanna Cyber???

So I got this flirty, innuendo-laden e-mail the other day from some "friend of TAN." And the e-mail was written in such a compelling fashion, I just HAD to respond *wink*. In responding, I asked if she was trying to get me to "cyber" with her, and I wondered (in the e-mail) if people still did that. Seems very old-school ( by the way, the wiki I linked above on "cybersex" is highly amusing).

Anyways, this is all brought up because a friend just sent me a link to some guy "bloodninja" who apparently likes to do these fake cybersex threads, like a CrankYankers for IM. Some of you may have seen this already, but I'm sure it's worth another look. Here are some excerpts:
Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: Fuck

---

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.
here's more ...

And do let me know if you or people you know still "cyber" ... not cause I wanna, of course, just curious. It's like finding friends who still use VCR's.

8 comments:

  1. Doug Stanhope's pedophile baiting IMs are way out there and pretty hilarious too.

    http://www.dougstanhope.com/baiting.html

    ReplyDelete
  2. TAN, I came across these myself about three weeks ago, and was extatic, as I thought I'd never see them again. You know where I first read them? In Harpers Magazine, about four years ago. I like telling people that, I think it's pretty notable. I love Harpers, but when I got that issue, and saw those IM's, I knew they had really topped themselves this time.

    These IM's are simply some of the funniest print I have ever read.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous3/09/2006

    Muk: ASL?

    ReplyDelete
  4. TAN, I totally wanna cyber with you. But I want to be the one who gets to go all bloodninja, because that looks like tremendous fun. Could it work if both people go the bloodninja route? I bet we could make it work such that we'd snicker and it would be hot.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Respect the VCR. It's all about keepin' it real.

    ReplyDelete
  6. TAN, you know that these days CYBER has evolved into 'camming'. Since webcams are everywhere, the most popular sites that have come up are webcamnow.com and ICUII - the latter of which I have seen many of my buddies actually start calling in sick from work to feed their addiction.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nice site man

    but i would highly recommend

    ronanshouseofjournalism.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Still the #1 most linked and visited page on my blog. Never mind my blogs on Macs, software, social issues - the robe and wizard hat gets them everytime.

    ReplyDelete

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