Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Blink Don't Wink™ Campaign

Blink. Don’t Wink.

That the name of the game.

That’s the only way we’re going to make this world a better place.

Blink. Don’t Wink.

There is no situation where a wink is appropriate. There’s no biological, or physiological, or any-ological pedigree that supports a need for a human being to wink.

You have to shit. You have to eat. You have to breathe. If you’re attractive and intelligent you have to have sex. You have to drink. You have to blink.

You never have to wink. That is all in your head. There is no scenario that demands that sly sense of cool. That gesture that somehow conveys some sick sense of intimate knowledge. No one knows anyone in that way.

Winking is a crime. It’s harassment.

If you wink, drop it from the repertoire. Today. Do it now. Do it for the kids. Do it for Africa. Do it for yourself.

There’s never a reason to close just one eye. Either you blink to refresh the fluids, or you go to sleep. There’s never a reason to treat one eye better than the other.

Okay, you can “wink” if you’re using a microscope. Or a telescope. Or any single-lens viewing apparatus. But that’s it. And the other eye must open as soon as the apparatus is removed. It’s advised you begin opening the closed eye before you’re actually done using the device. There really should be no winking.

An old man winking is the most vile and disgusting thing in the known and unknown universe.

I looked up “teach me how to wink” on Google and found twenty sites that need to be destroyed immediately.

If you see one winker, there are bound to be hundreds more behind the walls.

I guess maybe on occasion a woman can be allowed to wink. Because women are hot. But anything that happens to a winking woman after the wink is her own fault, you can definitely say, “she asked for it.”

Actually, anything that happens to anyone after a wink is fairly understandable. Murder, rape, a syringe filled with acid and the hiv vaccine plunged into your neck. I don’t condone, but I understand.

The best wink is no wink at all. Even if you’re the most gifted charmer in the world and you somehow pull it off, you’re still not ahead in the game. You’re only fighting your own progress. There are no winners in winking.

Our president is a winker.
Like his father before him.

*shudder*

Need I say anymore???

Please. Join me. Let's stop it now. Let's rid our planet of this plague forever.

Blink. Don't Wink.™

If someone winks at you today. Kill them. It's legal. It's self-defense.

Blink. Don't Wink.™

Only we can change this world for the better. If you're with me please share your story/thoughts/ideas-for-change in the comment box.

Thank You

Blink. Don't Wink.™

43 comments:

  1. if i could program, I'd have a fist punching william shakespeare each time he winked. wink, fist, repeat.

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  2. hahahaha I haaaate people who wink. this is great. I'm on board TAN.

    also sending an e-mail, leaving comment here in case you don't receive.

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  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  4. beautiful girls don't need to wink. of course, neither do monkeys.

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  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  6. One time I winked at girl when I was in Paris, she winked back. Next thing I know I woke up in a bathtub filled with ice and my kidney missing. Until now I always wondered “why me lord” now I know. Now I make it a habit to punch anyone guy or girl that winks at me in a bar. Shit, bartenders and DJ’s can get it to. Don’t even get me started on the bathroom attendees from Kenya or the Mexican selling the flowers, I’m swinging for the fences. That goes double for the guy in the wheelchair that parks in the middle of the dance floor, and always gets free drinks.

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  7. I will stand up for winking.
    How else will I let a girl know exactly what I want from her without there be any room for confusion?

    If I smile she may think I am nice, if I wave she may think I'm gay, but if I wink...

    Well then she knows to meet me in the bathroom.

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  8. Yeah winking is kind stupid there is no logical reason to wink and besides that those who are wink-ers? like kind of retarded.

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  9. Let's say you're working on a car. And some dirt or rust or transmission fluid falls in your eye, but you've gotta keep working on the damn car because otherwise you will be stuck at home all weekend. So you need your one good eye open so you can see while you're working. Then your buddy comes up and asks what you are doing and you roll out from under the car, and, BAM! you're winking at him. So now he thinks you're gay even as you are trying to explain to him that you were not winking but, in fact, have a tablespoon of Dextron in your eye.

    Shouldn't it be acceptable to wink when you have something in one eye and need the other to continue working?

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  10. I think winking is perfectly acceptable in the contex of flirtation--but only if such flirtation is reciprocated, meaning that the crackhead on the subway can go ahead and knock it off.

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  11. I like (what I believe to be) the underlying message here...that the pose of irony or the presumptuous familiarity of the wink is no substitute for basic honesty in relating to other people.

    But...do it for Africa? That may be an unwarranted lowering of the "do it for Africa" bar for those seeking to do something for Africa.

    I seem to be seeing more posts that have required removal by TAN of late. I suppose that goes with the territory to some degree, but I'm sorry to see it nonetheless.

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  12. white dade - I don't know about "if one eye's bad, just use the other one" logic. if one eye is messed up I think you should see an eye doctor or something.

    buffyics - I think winking is very low bar for flirtation. again a girl can get away with it, but a guy needs something else.

    jumper - don't go crazy on me ...

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  13. I am hella on board with this campaign, and I want to nominate one additional tagline: "Winkers are Wankers." Spreading the word ...

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  14. There is however some major funny involved in the wink-tongue click-finger snap-point combo. I think that particular wink should be excluded from the imminent ban

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  15. "If you see one winker, there are bound to be hundreds more behind the walls."

    Maybe my mind is in the gutter, but that cracked me up!

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  16. Don't go crazy? Man, why does everyone say that to me?

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  17. Wait, so you mean all these years of me resenting the fact that I suck at winking were WASTED??

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  18. oh you said winking...I thought you said wanking.....is wanking ok? God I hope so.

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  19. TAN, one of your meta emotas is a winker. And it's winking riiiiight AT me. Creepy!

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  20. TAN, you can't see me now, but I'm totally winking at you. It's quite fetching, but it falls just short of lewd.

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  21. Yesterday, this old chester at this office I interned at winked at me, like he was undressing me one eye at a time. It was disgusting, but at the same time I felt sorry for him because he thought he was cool.

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  22. "You're doin' a helluva job, TANny."
    —W. (winking)

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  23. TAN,

    Is winking ever Okay? What if a well placed wink will assure a roll in the sack with an attractive lady? or, lead to a cure for cancer? or, get me out of a traffic ticket? or, score me some other benefit of similar value to the above?

    Guidance, please.

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  24. Anonymous1/26/2006

    tany,
    Please write another post. Make it something good-- its been too long btw posts. I am dying to hear your thoughts on a new subject. Can we call out a subject and you just compose a piece? Like blog improv?

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  25. Now we've got one more thing to worry about?

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  26. wd - a wink will never be responsible for any of those things. If you wink and it happens it would have happened withut the wink, and you should consider yuorself lucky.

    anon - I'm down with blog improv, shout something out ...

    laura - indeed ...

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  27. Anonymous1/26/2006

    immigration?

    stroganoff?

    truth?

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  28. Anonymous1/26/2006

    icicles?

    lilacs?

    lotion?

    opossums?

    viagra?

    elephantitis?

    uncles?

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  29. While this post made me laugh my ass off, I have to disagree. Winking is coquettish and cute and I will not stop. I took the time to learn to wink with either eye, and to stop now would mean I wasted 1 month of my life! What's next? No whistling?

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  30. Here's a new one: The Winking Cheney. ;-\

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  31. Anonymous1/29/2006

    Talk about blinking. I'm pretty sure ole Billy Boy started before he could walk.

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  32. Dan B.1/30/2006

    I might be inclined to agree with this assessment if I hadn't seen the movie _Rebel Without A Cause_ in which James Dean gives probably the most perfect wink in the history of the world. Although I am certainly not cool enough to attempt winking myself, this compelling counter example forces me to believe in the possibility of an idealized Wink.

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  33. "You’re only fighting your own progress."

    such wisdom
    I'm with you completely.

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  34. Wha??? I believe I have "paid my dues" and I can wink if I want. I can wave if I want, I can show my shoulder provocatively if I want. And you can't stop me!
    It does, however, bug the hell outta me when Dubya does it, *shudder*
    Don't mind my screen name... ;-)

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  35. Anonymous5/07/2006

    Wow this is gay shit you need to wink while looking through the sight/scope of a paintball gun. well not nessisarily wink but still open one eye and close the other, same thing =/

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  36. Fags are trying to take over the world with winks (Bush included). No dude should be winking at another dude when nobody else is around. He don't know me like that and it's hella disrespectful. I'm ready to break em off some mutual disrespect. Kill that prison virus that's running rampid in our communities. Stop it yall only you can prevent unwanted winks. www.stopthewinks.com

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  37. "The best wink is no wink at all."

    so true. i am on board with the "Blink. Don't Wink" campaign. the last man who made an impression on me stared at me with his eyes wide open and penetrated my soul. he can have almost anything he wants from me. i would go in half on a baby with him. if he had winked, i would've vomited. or at least avoided talking to him again.

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  38. i enjoy winking. sometimes i wink while driving, while eating, in the middle of conversations, in bed, sometimes even without realizing it! winking is sexy and when it's done right, can lead to very exciting and enjoyable things.

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  39. Anonymous8/27/2007

    oh i borrowed this assimilated it's beatiful writing hope it's not copy writed

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  40. Anonymous9/28/2007

    Not the usual anonymous, BTW.

    I'm definitely riding the fence on this wink issue. It is absolutely nauseating when Dubya winks -- of course, everything he says and does turns one's stomach. However, when my 8-year-old son winks at me, it melts my heart.

    New thought for the day: Love everybody, except Dubya and company. :D

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  41. Really rare things on this site

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