NY Times Doles Out Good Advice for Bums Looking for Love and Money; Mostly Money

Attention all male bums, deadbeats, and freeloaders starving artists, musicians, and writers! This weekend's NY Times Sunday Styles section has a wonderful profile on your ideal soulmate – aka woman pulling crazy bank. Seems they are a growing legion:

For the first time, women in their 20s who work full time in several American cities — New York, Chicago, Boston and Minneapolis — are earning higher wages than men in the same age range, according to a recent analysis of 2005 census data by Andrew Beveridge, a sociology professor at Queens College in New York.

Holla! Of course us true artists know this is nothing but a cause for celebration. But whenever the issue of women making more than men is brought up, you know someone is going to try and sell you on the whole “men have a tough time not being the bread winner” idea. I don’t know if it’s a race thing — it’s more likely a class thing — but I know if you’re like me, and you came up fairly poor, you have NO, ZERO, ZILCH problem with your babycakes making more money than you. Especially if she’s sharing. I know in my case its like, sheeit, every female panhandler I try and kick it to on the street, and her slovenly intern, is making more money than me, let alone that totally out-of-my-league queen with a J-O-B at Duane Reade. So how am I gonna get mad?

Psychology aside, I haven’t done any surveys, but I do feel this trend is real. I see it. I have more and more friends, who are couples, where the guy is the flunky trying to do ... whatever, and the woman is the only one who sees his potential. And GOD, how I ENVY those guys.

Anymooch, back to the Times. The article profiles some of these beautiful women, and their mixed bag of thoughts on these issues:

Women are encountering forms of hostility they weren’t prepared to meet, and are trying to figure out how to balance pride in their accomplishments against their perceived need to bolster the egos of the men they date.

Hmmm, how to bolster a man's ego? This shouldn’t be difficult. Here’s a tip ladies, and you should write this one down in period blood because it’s pretty much permanent: Ego = Penis. Swell the penis up via blowjobs, sexy lingerie, nice sex, etc. And you swell the ego. Very simple. Works every time! How can a guy feel not feel like a king while you diligently polish The Pulverizer?

(Before proceeding with the analysis, I have to make an aside about the Times inclusion of a girl who has just fast-tracked to the top of my "I Want Her" list. Peep this snippet:

Hilary Rowland, 28, bought her first condominium when she was 18, using money she had earned from an online business started when she was 15.

Ummm, Hel-LO?? First condo when she was 18? Started her first online business when she was 15? Can I get YOUR number please? After reading that I immediately dropped everything (priorities people!) and looked up Hilary Rowland online. Upon further review, turns out the "business" was an online magazine, or what we call them now… blogs. Which means I have one too! But still, that's cool. She’s a hottie. And if she needs a kept-negro to add to her portfolio I'll call anything she wants a "business.")

Moving on, at this point in the article I start getting nervous cause I swear the Times is tracking my dating maneuvers:

“When we broke up,” she added, “he was upset that I gave my ‘ex’ more gifts than I gave him. Meanwhile, the only gift I’d gotten from him was a small notepad.”

OMG! That’s soooo me! I stay blessing my mamis and mamacitas with notepads. Pens too! It’s good to write and get it out of you, baby. Go ahead and write down how you can’t believe you gave up the drawers to a blogger who crashes and burns on NPR and gives you a notepad while you give him an iPhone (please?). Get it all out. Merry Xmas. Also, Happy Birthday!

Next up:

Ms. Rowland, like some other women interviewed, said that she has come to the conclusion that it would be easier to date someone in the same economic bracket.

Yikes! And this is my soon-to-be Miss Assimilated Negro talking. Oh no! I'm glad the Times buried this little nugget of rational sensibility in the middle of the article. If all the ladies adopted this mantra some of us would have no one to date. Here in America, the land of excess and opportunity, there ain’t NO ONE in my economic bracket. I’d have to move to Africa and kick it to starving babies before they get adopted.

On a first date at a lounge in Hell’s Kitchen, Thrupthi Reddy, 28, a brand strategist in Manhattan, watched her date down several cocktails to her one, then not even flinch when she handed the waitress her credit card.

Hey! There’s me again! Big fan of the several cocktails-to-one ratio. Proves you're a man!

But really, this article is funny because it's basically a bunch of girls trying to reconcile in their head why they don’t care about having a "good guy" if he's not doing anything with his life. Sounds like "no duh" simple evolutionary theory to me, but I guess we need the Times to help work it out in our heads.

So more bits like this:

Michael R. Cunningham, a psychologist who teaches in the communication department at the University of Louisville, conducted a survey of college women to see if, upon graduation, they would prefer to settle down with a high school teacher who has short workdays, summers off and spare energy to help raise children, or with a surgeon who earns eight times as much but works brutal hours. Three-quarters of the women said they would choose the teacher.

Ok. Talk about a survey that proves nothing. A teacher is easy. That’s still a regular salary and just about the most endearing, gratifying heartwarming job anyone can have. No matter what they earn, you can't hate on a teacher. Especially if you're pulling down good money.

But how about a blogger? We too can have short workdays, summers off and perhaps even muster a little energy for the kids (or at least live-blog it when they fall down the stairs). Only thing is the teacher makes eight times as much as you, and a surgeon might as well be a sultan who lives on a pile of gold. Tougher call now? Hmmm, probably not.

But is there anything worse than a blogger?

Jade Wannell, 25, a producer at a Chicago ad agency who lives in a high-rise apartment building, started dating a 29-year-old administrator at a trucking company last year...

“I have to say that I didn’t like his career, I didn’t think he had the goals of someone I would eventually like to be with or have respect for,” she said, adding, “It wasn’t the job, it was the passion.”

Oh? What's that? The 29-year-old SECRETARY for a TRUCKING COMPANY wasn't getting all the red carpet invites you were expecting? That's sooo weird.

Memo to Jade: It was the job.

Finally,

The point, Professor Cunningham said, was that young professionally oriented women have no problem dating down if the man is secure, motivated in his own field and emotionally supportive.

At least, that’s what their responses are in surveys. Talk about the subject with women a bit older — those who have been out of college long enough to be more hardened — and what you hear is ambivalence, if not downright hostility, about the income disparity.

Ahhh … finally a breakthrough we can work with. Get 'em while they’re young! Fresh out of college! Of course us PROFESSIONAL Starving Artist types have long known about this axiom of freelance living. A 22-25 year old, making bank? Yeah, sign me up.

Which leads to my big takeaway from this article. I'm going to give up this sweet writing-for-pennies and embarrassing-myself-on-the-radio gig I've got and start a BUSINESS!! It's going to be a relationship matchmaker type deal. E-Harmony meets Deadbeats. I might call it E-Bum. Or E-Mooch. Or maybe somebodywithtwooboobiesandacleanvijayjaycomesavemeplease.com ... something like that.

But it's gonna be a service where young, hot, smart women with dough in the bank can peruse through a whole database of non-profit n'er-do-wells in search of their perfect co-dependent. All of the arts will be represented. And all of the variations of scruffy facial-hair stylings as well! All YOU have to do is find the one that's willing to walk the dog and bang your brains out after work every day.

Of course, now I need a woman with a dog and a dormant sex life to see the upside and help me finance this venture. Are you out there babycakes? Check my profile, I make a lovely pet! All you have to worry about is if Hilary Rowland comes along, or someone else younger, smarter, hotter and with more money. Because, you know, I'm ambitious like that.

But beside that, yeah ... come and get it! I'll even get the tough emotional stuff out the way early. Look:

I Love You ...

smooches!

Putting Money on the Table [NY Times]