Friday, May 27, 2011

Overcompensating at the Condom Factory

(Even post-rapture the lord continues to forsake me when I'm drunk. and has yet to weigh in on the proper size of condoms)

ORIGINAL:

From the BBC:
"A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men."

awwww. Gives a whole new meaning to "Slumdog Millionaire", doesn't it? Oh wait, actually it doesn't do that at all.

It does mean, though, that the "majority of Indian men" don't have enough burger for comely Indian-American model/meat-eater Padma Lakshmi.



AnyHardee, yeah, maybe that's not true either, but it turns out getting the specs on these "condoms" the kids are all raving about is a tricky business. In India they're too small, but over in South Africa, *cough*, they have a different problem. All of this is racist, but apparently true!

Also, it makes me think that maybe average-size isn't so bad. Also also reminds me of that poem, "footprints in the sand". I had a similar experience, you see, where I dreamed of walking the beach with the Lord, and all the love-scenes from my life flash across the sky, and I notice footprints, sometimes one pair, sometimes two. And seeing that saddened me because I noticed that I'd see two footprints when i was sober, or when i had a girlfriend, but whenever I'd get drunk and out of control i'd only see one. And I asked the Lord, "why do you forsake me when I'm drunk??! that's when i need you most" And he/she replied, "it's true, I do get the f out of dodge when you get drunk. You're sort of an insufferable knowitall. But look again at the sand, because when I leave you i give you a little extra to work with in my absence."


footsteps image: via

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Who's Got Next: Which Ethnic Minority Will Follow Obama In Office?

(The NY Mag feature on Wesley Yang's Asian-American identity crisis made me think about this old post on Who Will Be America's Next Minority President. Asian, Puerto Rican, Female, gay? And how will they express their authentic-assimilated brand of identity politics? I CAN'T WAIT. the best part is, IT HAS TO HAPPEN, because what cultural or ethnic minority can run for office without some "hi-signing" about their roots? It makes me think the GOP messed up back in the days by putting their devil[ed] eggs in the Steele/Palin basket. Now I think the only way they beat O is with a GOPecan-Rican. amirite?)

ORIGINAL:

I wonder what a "Puerto Rican Obama" would be like.

Would he/she charm America by dropping just enough español in the speeches? (he/she would have gone to Yale or some Ivy, obviously, so it's not like all he does is hablas español. Just saying, it's part of his charm.)

We've gotten a little spice this season con, "si se puede!" Now throw in a little "Ahora!!" o "me gusta el culo más grande!!!" and I'm confident we could get primed up for cambiar all over again.

But yeah, who's gonna get that Freedom-To-Dream USA Certification next?

Because, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that's what the superlative nature of the celebration seems to be about, right? The African-Americans have graduated! On their own merit! One got through the labyrinthine maze to power (a cool one we've been rooting for, like Ratatouille), and now we can really, truly look at them with the deep down respect they deserve. And that's so awesome!

And it's true. All you non African-American ethnics, let me tell you, it's pretty cool being official right now. I'm already drawing Obama's face on all my money, yo. Five Baracks gets me a macbook pro, cashmere hoodie, and an hipster chick that appreciates it ... And she expresses her love through comments on my blog.

Monday, May 23, 2011

How White Bloggers Use Exclamation Points on The Internet!

(In honor of my inclusion in the recent NYT Opinionator exploring #blacktags/the racial divide in Twitter culture, I repost some old theorizing on how white bloggers use !!!! on the internet)


ORIGINAL:

So this post about affirmative action on Gawker sparked some interesting dialogue on its own merits, but a seeming off-thread comment about how Moe, and Gawker in general, use exclamation points in excess ("when did a communicable "replace a period with an exclamation point in every third sentence (at least)" disease sweep through gawker?") struck a chord with me.

Cause it's true. Moe does use a lot of them. And so do most of the editors on the site. And many others across the nets. And I've thought about this. And so in the comments I responded (in part):
...But I now think there's legitimate ethno-cultural cachet to the usage, i.e. "exclamation points" could be an entry on Stuff White People Like. 
I mean, it's an easy way to add energy or personality or whathaveyou to writing, especially if you're churning out posts like some sort of machine that churns out a lot of stuff. But you really don't see it much on black, hip hop, or other ethnic blogs. Knahmean? [ed:I think they/we might do more coding through slanguage. Feel me?] 
In any event, since hanging around blogger/bledia types I do more drinking, smoking, and using of exclamation points. So I think it's a grammatical representation of some part of the assimilation process!...
And I couldn't get the thought out of my head....

Seems to me there are two types of exclamation points:

The first kind are the ones lots of people use. The ones that come big, or in different colors, and used to be a remedial tool for conveying excitement in advertising/marketing. Someday spammers might figure out a way to enhance them so much that they smoke and sparkle, and pop out and shoot lasers all so you know what that hole on the top of your OJ is for.

holla!


Saturday, May 21, 2011

Race, Religion, & Rapture

(THERE'S NOT MUCH TIME LEFT, THIS 2008 INTERVIEW WITH DANIEL RADOSH ABOUT "RAPTURE READY" HAS NEVER BEEN MORE RELEVANT. MAKE SURE IT'S AMONG THE LAST THINGS YOU READ BEFORE, WELL, YOU KNOW...)

ORIGINAL:

This is an interview about Christian pop culture...

Wait! Don't go yet! The power of Obama compels you!

See, these days with reverends calling out future presidents, and future presidents giving dap like they're chilling at the 40/40 club, the tides of race, religion and pop culture have washed us all up on some sort of unchartered island. Everyone's a little Lost for clear definitions: What does it mean to be black? What does it mean to be Christian? What does it mean to be Tyler Perry?

So here's the deal: Daniel Radosh -- one of the smartest Caucasians I know (statement verifiable by his blog: Radosh.net) -- immersed himself in the mostly white-washed world of Christian pop culture for 12 months. And he survived to tell the story! Annnd that story is available for purchase at your local book store, Rapture Ready!.

Intrigued by how this seeming societal outlier could be a 7-billion dollar a year industry, I emailed Daniel a bunch of questions looking for connections between issues of race and Christian evangelicals. Basically trying to keep it "Spiritual, but not Religious", so we can get more perspective on if those folks are "Christian, but not Crazy."

In so doing we explored why church at 11AM is still the most segregated time in America, and why Jesus "can be your girlfriend, but not your ho", all set-up so that I could pin him down on one question: would he rather wake up as an evangelical christian, or a black person?

Will Daniel provide some compelling data to help us navigate this dark island of cultural politics, or will he say something inflammatory or insensitive? Find out in the interview below
:


TAN Interviews Writer Daniel Radosh [EbonyJet]

Friday, May 20, 2011

Some Drunk White People Are Very Very Special

(Still dutifully researching "Drunk White People". Have a bunch of them passed out in my basement RIGHT NOW, but studies remain inconclusive. However, send me your tales of Drunk White People preposterousness and I'll let you know when the official academic logs and reports come out. Look quizzically at a drunk white person, take mental notes, and we can change the world! More drunken TAN content to come! See below for more background.)

More on the you can not pass out around white people" beat. A few days ago T tipped me to a bizarre story, almost a direct re-enactment of this Chappelle joke: 25 year old white guy passes out on a friend's couch, wakes up to find his peeps have drawn human genitalia on his face, then proceeds to pull out a POCKETKNIFE because, apparently, Murfreesboro Tennessee mf'ers don't play that. A pocketknife.

The Smoking Gun picked the story up a couple days later with an amusing addendum:

In a TSG interview, Masse denied pulling a knife, but confirmed that a penis had been drawn on his face and that it "took some scrubbing" to remove the image, which apparently was applied with a Sharpie-like marker.

(Ha. how much for the impressionist peen, sharpie-on-canvas?)

I honestly believe that if we could figure out how the psychology in a series of events like this works we could end racism. Or something similarly monumental. There is definitely some gold in the deranged pathos that leads to getting joy out of drawing a penis on your friend's face.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Negro 101: Yo Son, What is Up With The Kids Saying "Son" All The Time?

[TAN: OLD SCHOOL. LIKE YO MTV RAPS, BUT BLOGGIER. STILL WAITING FOR OBAMA TO DROP A "SON" ON 'EM. IT'S COMING DURING REELECTION SEASON...]

In the comments of a recent Dear TAN, the esteemed Orange poses a question:

How come "son" tacked onto something, often in a somewhat admonitory fashion, is a black thing? Why hasn't this caught on among white folks? Can we get some unassimilated etymology here?

wonderful question. sometime in the past decade (i'm pretty sure it was chappelle, but haven't actually run the numbers) the slang term "son" crossed over into mainstream. like real MAINstream. Oprah could use it as a quip (she probably has). Judd Apatow is writing it into a script as we speak. I'd take some odds on Obama dropping it sometime in the next four years. (especially if these journys want to keep asking tough questions. Obama's definitely gonna snap on someone like, "YO SON, I TOLD YOU WE WAS GONNA ISSUE A MOTHERF'ING STATEMENT NEXT MOTHERF'ING WEEK. DO YOU WANT TO ASK ANOTHER QUESTION, SON? No seriously, do you?")

Anyson, I disagree that white people aren't using it. Maybe normal white people aren't using it? But there aren't [m]any of those left here in NYC (ha!). And for that matter, normal black people aren't using it either. (fyi, I'd draw the line of normalcy somewhere around 35-36 years old.)

The term has definitely graduated though. It's in the urban slang Hall of Fame. It didn't break in with the inaugural class of superstar slang like, "dope" "word" "fresh" "wack" etc. Or the suspect second generation of "phat" and "jiggy". But now it's got the necessary votes. word.

And it's a nice piece of slang, especially when you know about it ... so herewith is a brief lesson on "son" history/usage:

Monday, May 16, 2011

Negro Law: Can One Participate In Mandingo Parties?

More TAN Blasts from the Past. Remember that exposé on Mandingo Parties in Details Magazine? Well refresh your memory below, cause really, who wants to forget folks were maybe running Mandingo Parties in Florida a few years ago? my offer to BET to produce a Jackass-for-Black-people reality series called "Mandingo Mansion" still stands. 

ORIGINAL POST:
As delivered to Channel O:

So if you didn't get your wig properly pushed back last week, then you probably didn't read this Details piece on Interracial Orgies (the evite would actually say: "Mandingo Parties.").

Apparently this guy "Art Hammer" started a "Florida Mandingo Group" four years ago, where white couples and black sex addicts pay to have a party where negro studs re-enact the archetypal scene from any black-on-white porno movie; white housewives get the business while their husbands watch.

Now, explicit old school racism aside, the whole thing smells like Jim Crow's nutsack because of two main issues:

1) The wives are not necessarily hot, or even globally warm. The article paints a flaccid-inducing picture with descriptions like, "These women resemble Kathy Bates more than they do Kathy Ireland," and "a pudding of cellulite."

2) These guys supposedly have no less than 8 inches, well-tended bodies, and ivy league educations, yet are paying to whore themselves out at these parties. Do they not teach supply-and-demand economics at Harvard or Yale? Lesson 1: Hot & Smart doesn't pay to have sex with Fat & Racist. What is going on here?

Friday, May 13, 2011

The Black Woman's Guide to Peeing in Public

1. Bring your daughter as a lookout
2. Use a car for ass/back support. Better for people to see you!
3. Bring your own TP.
4. BE UNFLAPPABLE!
5. Keep it moving ...

video

(more TAN classics! newer, fresher material coming soon! ...though the amount of peeing in future content is still to be determined)

thanks: Dannelle

Monday, May 09, 2011

Preppy Soul: An Assimilation in Pictures

(some folks are milling about wondering: who is that Patrice Evans dude down with Grantland? well, this old Assimilation-in-Pictures post provides some clues. more to come!)

Ahh, so bright-eyed and soapy-mohawked; even liquid-soap packaging was simpler then.

Hair now dry, but still delighted with the world. A soft furry bear on your naked lap will do that.

One of these kids is smiling like a "gifted negro" with hardware to prove it, the other one's clip-on tie is black.

I look confused, perhaps because this would mark my last appearance in a public school.

Look who's leaning on the white man now; wasn't no pics like this in the BX. (Room #007, ladies.)
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