OMG. It's soooo cute how Buffalo got featured in NY Mag earlier 
Ass! Everybody loves ass nowadays. Scientists study it. Jessica Biel has perfected it. And us minorities love to holler at it. But alass (snort), twas not always the case. So in celebration of, I don't know, Ass Tuesday, let's take a quick trip through the history of our dear derriere and cop a feel on Six Asses That Changed America.
Saartjie Baartman: The story of ass in America unfortunately begins with tragedy. And, fittingly enough, not in America (oh no, I'm in the wrong piece!). The original rumpshaker belonged to Saartjie Baartman, also known as the Hottentot Venus. The original video-ho, she made it clap and toured Europe to pay the bills. I'm surprised more of these video girls don't rock the "HV" on their cheeks just out of respect.
Marilyn Monroe: Sweet Marilyn of course is our first iconic white-girl-with-curves. Plumpness in general was more appreciated back in the days, but her status as the quintessential "Sex Symbol" makes her special. Plus, look at that picture! I'd hit that! Miss Monroe's hourglass shape also became the model for the caucasian ass template, which prioritizes a high hippiness-to-flesh ratio. If not genetics, then Marilyn may be the reason white girls are widescreen, and black women are Imax 3D.
Baby Got Back: Can you believe this song won a grammy!!! And was banned on MTV?! What style! What substance! Sir Mix-A-Lot inadvertently gave booty a culture. It was kind of like passing the Civil Rights Act for ass. That's why you can't sleep on these silly pop songs. In twenty years who knows what revolution of ecological conservation will have been inspired by the line, "'til the sweat drips from my balls." That's energy people!
JLo - Jennifer Lopez, perhaps the most famous ass in the contemporary era. She turned booty into capital. We always knew booty could dance, but we didn't know it could sing (kinda). And act (sorta). And sell perfume (definitely!). Insuring your hindquarters for a billion dollars takes brass ... buns! J Lo is like Ayn Rand and Susan B. Anthony with ass. And I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like a party!
Beyonce - Miss Knowles, also known as The J-Lo 4000, isn't quite packing the same heat. But she's an astute and diligent student of the game. She knows how to use it. She knows how to flaunt it. And she was able to provide support for her booty-enterprise with genuine talent. She is currently regarded as the perfect black woman by all black males between the ages of 18-34, and her booty plays no small part in that. It's also no coincidence the song that put Beyonce on the map was Bootylicious. After Sir Mix-A-Lot and JLo we were in fact very ready for that jelly.
Jessica Biel - While J-Lo and Beyonce were showing minorities how to work it in the Modern Booty Era, white women were caught in a dilemma. The Marilyn Monroe model had been put on the shelf, and no one filled the void to show caucasian sisters how to really fill out those jeans with spunk. Sure 'Ye and 'Lo were assimilated enough to provide inspiration for all girls across the board. But the light-skins needed someone swimming more firmly in their own gene pool. Kylie Minogue flared up, but her plan was too high maintenance. And Anna Marie Cox was just an ass. She didn't have any. This was a serious problem until caucasians discovered the hips that hold the Cistine Chapel of Cadonkadonk, the Holy Grail of Grabbable Glutes, that Bountiful Bastion of Beautiful Backside known as Biel, Jessica. And so now here we are. Not much more to say besides, "I do."
Five minutes into the reading, we suggest that you stop and say something like this. “Vicky, by the way, do you have a pen or pencil handy because I just want to make sure that you take down my extension number here at the network in case we get cut off. It happens sometimes and I just want to make sure that you have it. It’s __________ and the number to call when you call back is ###-###-####. Now Vicky, I’ve also been asked to send you our free newsletter. It’s absolutely fabulous. May I please have your last name and the street address because I’d like to get it out in tomorrow’s mail…..and your zip code”? Then, continue with your reading.
Your rapport with the caller begins as soon as the caller hears your voice. NOT when you begin your reading. Make sure that your voice has a cheerful positive lift to it. Your voice should sound as though you’ve waited all day just to talk to them. At the beginning of the call, while you are taking their initial information is the time to start establishing your rapport with the caller. Whenever possible, make positive, complimentary remarks about their name, birth date, or even the city in which they live. For example “Vicky, what a lovely name, people must compliment you all the time” Or, “Oh, you are from New Orleans, what an exciting city to live in. I’ve always wanted to see Mardi gras” Or “Aquarius, what a wonderful sign to be born under. Many of our astronauts were born under your sign.” By saying things like this, you have immediately given them a message that says, “I like you. I like your name, I like where you are from, and even the sign that you were born under.” Say positive things in relation to the astrological sign they are.
Saying things that are friendly to the caller will help put them at ease, remember many are calling a tarot reader for the first time. This is more important than you realize, they will be nervous and have no idea what to expect. If you follow the examples we have set, and you will be off to a great start. Remember to ask questions. Some of you may be under the impression that if you ask questions that the caller won’t have faith in your abilities. No one can possibly know everything, and asking questions helps you get to know the caller.
We suggest that you begin with an opening reading before focusing on the caller’s questions. If the caller blurts out their questions at the beginning of the call, they are going to say, “Thanks, and end the call.” The object is to keep the caller on the line Instead of answering their questions right away, you can say something like “Vicky, please hold that thought for a few moments, we will work on that in just a few minutes”
Now that you have gotten the initial information, you should smoothly, without a pause, continue with what we call your “opening statement.”
The “opening statement” is simply the first “5” minutes of the call after you have taken their personal information (first name, birth date, city and state). This is by far the most critical time of the call. Your caller will make that all-important decision to take his/her free two minutes and hang up or continue to talk with you. He/she will base this decision on what he/she hears from you during these critical five minutes. Here is where you must be the most dynamic, exciting, and intriguing. There is not time to be lukewarm in your presentation. We suggest that you get these first five minutes down to a science if you want your caller to stay on the line wanting to hear more. If you don’t get this perfected, your callers won’t be on the line long enough for you to be able to tell them anything. The following is an example of what an exciting positive “opening statement” might be like. This is only an example: we suggest that you do not say this, or the same thing over and over to different callers.
EXAMPLE: Vicky, I just have to tell you that as soon as I heard your voice I saw the most beautiful aura around you and picked up a wonderful energy from you. This tells me that no matter what has gone on in your life, up to this point, you have some absolutely fabulous things coming up for you in the very near future. It’s just not possible for anything else to be happening when you have this brilliant, positive aura around you. This is going to be one of the most exciting readings I’ve done in a long time. You see Vicky, nothing happens without a reason. There is a reason that you called the Network today and you were connected to me. It’s because I am the one person you needed to talk to, to receive the answers and the help you need in your life at this time. Without your saying another word, I can tell that you are a very sensitive warm and intelligent lady. You are also spiritually evolved and not afraid to explore the unknown. I fell privileged to be the one to do your reading today. Vicky, I’d like to give you a brief description of the kind of reading I am going to do for you today. It’s a (psychic, tarot) reading and I’d like you to be thinking about the questions you’d like to ask and perhaps even write them down, if you think you might forget them.
First I’m going to tell you something that you most likely wondered about, hoped, suspected or maybe even felt you already knew about. In any case, I’m going to verify it for you. You have a guardian angel. Did you know that? You guardian angel has been with you since you were born and will be there for you all your life. You are very protected and always will be. Vicky, do you have some personal questions you’d like to ask or something in your personal life that you would like for me to focus on today? Okay, and I am beginning to shuffle the deck. Please tell me your question so I can focus my energy regarding this matter into the deck as I shuffle. I want you to tell me when you feel the cards have been shuffled enough.
Continue with your reading, and create your own opening statement, according to your own experience with calls, and the information the caller has provided you with. We suggest that you give them their general reading, BEFORE answering their personal questions. If the caller blurts out their question, and you answer it right away, they are going to end the call prematurely. Try to stay focused on keeping tier interest and maintaining a length call.
