Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Six Asses That Changed America

Ass! Everybody loves ass nowadays. Scientists study it. Jessica Biel has perfected it. And us minorities love to holler at it. But alass (snort), twas not always the case. So in celebration of, I don't know, Ass Tuesday, let's take a quick trip through the history of our dear derriere and cop a feel on Six Asses That Changed America.



Saartjie Baartman: The story of ass in America unfortunately begins with tragedy. And, fittingly enough, not in America (oh no, I'm in the wrong piece!). The original rumpshaker belonged to Saartjie Baartman, also known as the Hottentot Venus. The original video-ho, she made it clap and toured Europe to pay the bills. I'm surprised more of these video girls don't rock the "HV" on their cheeks just out of respect.


Marilyn Monroe: Sweet Marilyn of course is our first iconic white-girl-with-curves. Plumpness in general was more appreciated back in the days, but her status as the quintessential "Sex Symbol" makes her special. Plus, look at that picture! I'd hit that! Miss Monroe's hourglass shape also became the model for the caucasian ass template, which prioritizes a high hippiness-to-flesh ratio. If not genetics, then Marilyn may be the reason white girls are widescreen, and black women are Imax 3D.


Baby Got Back: Can you believe this song won a grammy!!! And was banned on MTV?! What style! What substance! Sir Mix-A-Lot inadvertently gave booty a culture. It was kind of like passing the Civil Rights Act for ass. That's why you can't sleep on these silly pop songs. In twenty years who knows what revolution of ecological conservation will have been inspired by the line, "'til the sweat drips from my balls." That's energy people!

JLo - Jennifer Lopez, perhaps the most famous ass in the contemporary era. She turned booty into capital. We always knew booty could dance, but we didn't know it could sing (kinda). And act (sorta). And sell perfume (definitely!). Insuring your hindquarters for a billion dollars takes brass ... buns! J Lo is like Ayn Rand and Susan B. Anthony with ass. And I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like a party!

Beyonce - Miss Knowles, also known as The J-Lo 4000, isn't quite packing the same heat. But she's an astute and diligent student of the game. She knows how to use it. She knows how to flaunt it. And she was able to provide support for her booty-enterprise with genuine talent. She is currently regarded as the perfect black woman by all black males between the ages of 18-34, and her booty plays no small part in that. It's also no coincidence the song that put Beyonce on the map was Bootylicious. After Sir Mix-A-Lot and JLo we were in fact very ready for that jelly.

Jessica Biel - While J-Lo and Beyonce were showing minorities how to work it in the Modern Booty Era, white women were caught in a dilemma. The Marilyn Monroe model had been put on the shelf, and no one filled the void to show caucasian sisters how to really fill out those jeans with spunk. Sure 'Ye and 'Lo were assimilated enough to provide inspiration for all girls across the board. But the light-skins needed someone swimming more firmly in their own gene pool. Kylie Minogue flared up, but her plan was too high maintenance. And Anna Marie Cox was just an ass. She didn't have any. This was a serious problem until caucasians discovered the hips that hold the Cistine Chapel of Cadonkadonk, the Holy Grail of Grabbable Glutes, that Bountiful Bastion of Beautiful Backside known as Biel, Jessica. And so now here we are. Not much more to say besides, "I do."

Oh and I almost forgot one more. The missing link in booty evolution. MAN!:

45 comments:

  1. What is all this talk Jess B's a**?? It's big, but not that big???...but thanks for the booty history...it really did make my day...lol

    MsP

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous7/03/2007

    Awww... where is Serena Williams in all of this!!?? The girl got assssss for days!

    ReplyDelete
  3. true. serena was def. an ass that changed america. that much 'ooty under a tennis skirt was unprecedented.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ReRe from the Westside7/03/2007

    Dude, somehow/someway i stumbled onto your blog & my life will never be the same. You got a new fan.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jessica Biel is alright in my book. I'm happy to see you showing some love

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  6. For some reason you don't look nearly as black in that picture as I thought you would.

    ReplyDelete
  7. daaannng tan, you got arse for days! lol.

    yeah you left serena out. she should start a donation center for women less fortunate in the booty dept to take a bit.

    my bf and i were watching the trailer for Chuck & Larry, and he said, "your booty looks just like hers, and it's nice, so don't feel bad for not having a 'black girl' butt."

    thanks for the confirmation. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yeah, less "tan" than i fantasized :-( And r u wearing heels? Stay outta my shoe closet! Chest hair and firm ass are yummy though...

    Me and my 4 sisters are often told we have black booty, and I always take it as a compliment!

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOL Very clever and funny topic on history of the booty.

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  10. Anonymous7/03/2007

    No list of ladies with famous derrières would be complete without mention of Josephine Baker, or "Black Venus." She was a star of vaudeville, Broadway, and the Folies Bergères in Paris, where she enthralled folks such as Hemingway, Picasso, and Langston Hughes with her "danse sauvage," in which she wore little more than a skirt of bananas.

    So many of today's upstart divas and do-gooders have bit her style. For instance, she sauntered around town accompanied by her pet cheetah, Chiquita, in a diamond collar. (Chiquita would have eaten Tinkerbell for breakfast!) Later she adopted twelve children of various races and was an outspoken advocate of Civil Rights. (Angelina, you've got a ways to go.)

    ReplyDelete
  11. and your ass shot will surely span the sands of time.

    thanks for the crack of laughter.

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  12. You really ARE TAN!! Love that hairy little belly too - too yummy.
    I appreciate the history of ass, thanks! I don't think those lyrics you copied there are from "I Like Big Butts", if that's the song you are talking about, but thanks all the same, you made me crack up!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  14. hey.. this was so good. Gave me a good start at my work

    But I am wondering why we Indians do not appreciate "ass" as much... especially when most Indian women could easily compete with J.Lo in this department?? I never heard of any Indian celebrity being praised for it. "Familiarity Breeds Indifference" I guess

    ReplyDelete
  15. TAN ! Two words my friend. VIDA GUERRA. Proof there is a God my brother.
    (Discovered your blog about two weeks ago. Keep up the goodness)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have to admmit I do have a good ass but it'snot big or anything-more the shape.Why domen like big fat asses?
    Great blog btw!
    Are white girls welcome?
    Love your blog title!

    ReplyDelete
  17. that last link/pic in the chain is not TAN, by the way. I should have said here's [White] MAN!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Cool post, cool blog, great asses!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Just came across your blog and the history of asses is definitely on point. The only ass I would add (and I may be dating myself) is Thelma from Good Times!! That was the first ass I loved as a boy.

    ReplyDelete
  20. As a woman who is cursed with a seemingly incurable case of terminal asslessness, I teared up just a little.

    Thanks for reminding me to believe that there is hope.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Is the guy in the picture wearing heels? lol crazy

    ReplyDelete
  22. TAN - check out the Philosophy of Ass

    http://www.asssells.com/philosophy.html

    ReplyDelete
  23. 'ye and 'lo were obvious choices but the biel is unknowing to most eyes. Nicely done. And YOU, those heals are outstanding! Don't you stop wearing those.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous7/04/2007

    That same ass you're admiring just dropped a deuce two minutes ago.

    Yeah.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Im sorry, but I dont understand how Sara Baartman's ass affected America, seeing as she never, ever made it Stateside??
    L

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thanks for clarifying the last pic... my fantasy of you (with you?) lives on!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Anonymous7/04/2007

    A second motion for anonymous @ 9:03 PM.

    Josephine Baker reigns as the derriere dynasty queen-in earnest, and epitomizes UN Goodwill Ambassador (pre-League of Nations).

    A.J.'s rainbow coalition is cute-but not worth typing about...

    ReplyDelete
  28. TAN, you're brilliant.

    When you get around to some unsung asses, don't forget Kelly Clarkson. Yep, ever since "American Idol," I've been rooting for that one.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I don't think enough people are clicking on the link to the wiki on Saartjie Baartman and realizing how absolutely fucked up and miserable her life was because white people were fascinated by her big ass.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I was crackin' up when I read your history of the booty...Great! You are a piece of work...Keep it up...
    Michele, Cali-Girl

    ReplyDelete
  31. uhm...i think its sad that u actually had to do a booty history...white america has been wat we Jamaicans call "bad-mind"...so much so that they decided on one more way to bring down and brainwash black people: that was to make them believe straight and flat is the new beautiful. perfect example: cameron diaz has a pretty face but how the hell is her str8, flat ass sexy?!!!! but thank you...black women and other women of colour should appreciate their beauty and curves...and u men better praise God everyday He gave you sumthin this good!!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I enjoyed this play-by-play commentary. Although I must disagree with a comment above about Vida Guerra. She would be a sub-human had there been no Jennifer Lopez, no Shakira, and no guy on the Playboy Magazine team saying, "Hey, we need more color around here!"

    ReplyDelete
  33. Anonymous1/13/2008

    What kind of a Black man big-ups Jessica Beil's ass? How can you forget about old school booties like En Vogue, Olivia Brown (the sista on "Miami Vice"), Jayne Kennedy, Ola Raye and today's booties, Keisha Cole, Serena Williams and the video girls (Melyssa Ford, Buffie the Body, Esther Baxter, etc.). I was with you on Venus Hottentot. But, I can't respect any brother who puts a White girl in the topic of ass. Get yourself a White girl and get it over with.

    ReplyDelete
  34. NYC Fan5/12/2008

    Well dont be so bitter people there are plenty of talented "mixed" people with beautiful big juicy ass like Kim Kardasian (she is just a rich Ho) and that amazing singer Eliza Neals who is also Armenian. Something about the way Eliza's booty moves when she sings wow

    ReplyDelete
  35. Anonymous12/06/2008

    Jessica Biel has a pretty nice booty, but it can't hold a candle to the booties of women like:

    Vida Guerra
    D'Nika Romero
    Serena Williams
    Buffie the Body
    Esther Baxter
    Christina Hendricks
    (Mad Men)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Anonymous12/06/2008

    How could I forget Kim Kardashian?? And Khloe & Kourtney have nice asses too!

    Oh, and Meghna is right, most of those Bollywood beauties have ass for weeks! Don't sleep on women like Mallikah Sherawat for instance. Dayyyyyyummm!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Goldeneye12/07/2008

    Yeah, Kim Kardashian really should be on the list. Yes, a lot of great asses have been mentioned, but an argument can't really be made for then "changing America," with the exception of Christina Hendricks, whose figure has caused a huge sensation in the media and who has kind of become a very positive poster girl for violently curvy women. I think the "skinny" thing is on the way out for a while, and I believe her influence a big part of why. That's nation-changing.

    And Kardashian's ass is only one of the most talked-about things of the last few years. She's a girl who has become a giant celebrity solely because of it and the porn video where she worked it and then got nailed in it. Because of the amazingness of her ass, somebody actually her whole damn family a TV show. It's one thing to have talent of some degree along WITH the ass like Marilyn, J.Lo, Biel, and the others, but the amount of notoriety this girl has attracted JUST because she has a huge ass is kind of amazing. I've met a LOT of white guys who were closet booty lovers and they publicly went buck-wild for Kim. She has united the country in bootyness.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  41. The disks are always so easy to damage. I've lost hundreds of dollars' worth of games to tiny scratches! Thanks to your service, I can replace my games at no cost!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Beyonce considered the perfect black woman by men ages 18-34?? You are so Eurocentric. Beyonce is merely a tan white woman.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Anonymous7/25/2010

    What I find pretty amazing is that the average black woman has always had a booty, even when America touted the flat white girl's ass as something to which we should aspire. J-Lo came onto the scene and everyone acts like she invented the booty.

    ReplyDelete
  44. One no-fail method for breaking out of blogger’s block is to pick another blog that you really like and say nice things about it.

    Seriously, that’s it.

    Now, you don't have to start with my blog...

    www.WHATMAKESITBETTER.blogspot.com

    ...but I would like all you talented writers, that may have come to "writers/bloggers block" to start somewhere!

    Anywhere!!!

    I realized that even if you were completely stuck in the doldrums of blogger’s block, you could always pick another blog to say something nice about. It’s like an instant post formula! We sometimes need a change of pace, a refreshing alternative, new inspiration from literary exploration and admiration of great authors will do the trick!

    Has your mother ever told you that if you couldn’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all? Well, this is the same idea, but flipped on its side: if you can’t say anything at all, then say something nice! Not only is this a sure-fire method to come up with an idea for a blog post, you will also make somebody’s day...I'm starting with you...

    ASS...AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!

    You are great and talented, i really enjoyed reading your posts. You really gave me something to think about. You have a book inside of you. I hope you can read my posts and be inspired to write, as i have become, viewing your blog. Take care of yourself, God bless you and your family.

    -Clarence

    ReplyDelete

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