Thursday, December 01, 2005

Letter To The Guy On The Train Who Was Looking At Me While Licking His Lips

Dear Guy On The Train Looking At Me While Licking His Lips,

Why did you do that??!!?

I can’t believe you looked at me while licking your lips. You weren’t licking them in a casual my-lips-are-dry way. You licked them with a fully open mouth and an incredibly unnerving twinkle in your eye.

I immediately averted my eyes, but slowly, so as not to draw attention. Just, you know, checking out this banner on how English as a second language will give me the career I’ve always wanted. And now I see Dr. Zizmor can help my skin look radiant. And now some subway "poetry in motion" that I have no idea the meaning of…

But I took a peek back at you, and you were still looking at me. I couldn’t believe it. I had to avert my eyes again, this time quickly, because obviously my cover was blown and escape was the only thing on my mind. Thank god I was at the other end of the train.

Yet and still, I looked back at you again, fearful of what I might find, like you were some horrible car accident with only babies involved. Luckily your eyes had moved on to indubitably greener pastures. I figure you must be one of those homosexuals that are all the rage these days. I heard you guys do shite like that. Lick your lips on the train while making eye contact with guys. Fcuking crazy. But I am a little flattered too. I mean girls don’t really ever do it. I mean, I know, like, blogger chicks might do it ironically. But no one does it for real for real. Not for me. So that’s kind of cool. I guess on that day I was looking kind of hot. My blue hooded sweatshirt fits pretty well. And my blue New Balance sneakers are the perfect complement ... for attracting compliments. heheh. I was also nominated for Hottie Urban Blogger of the Year award. And Jack called me an Unfriendly Black Hottie on blogebrity. Even though I'm probably more friendly than hottie. Well, except with you. Anyways, the point is that I guess I kind of understand.

But just so you know, I don't have a problem with gay people. Just please, don't make eye contact with me while you're licking your lips in such an aggressive sexual manner. It freaks me out.




  1. Anonymous12/01/2005

    If I saw you on a train, I'd do the same thing.

    and in a manner not at all ironic.


  2. As a woman all I can say is: Welcome to our world of unwanted attentions in public places. :-P

  3. Anonymous12/01/2005

    I don't know how I should feel for you: Sad that he didn't start blowing kisses or glad that I'm not the only one that doesn't get some of those Barnes and Noble sponsored train poems.

  4. Anonymous12/01/2005


  5. He was checking you out because you're HOT LIKE FIRE!!!
    Also, if you fight Apoc, does this mean I have to fight Gwen?

  6. Anonymous12/01/2005

    Um, dude, I had just eaten some taffy pieces and I was licking my lips clean of all the sticky taffy goo. Not everything is about you.

    ps: I give you a 7 out of 10 for looks, but your ass gets a 10.

  7. anon - are you a lady? if so, excellent ...

    anned - I guess. But I wouldn't want that guy doing that in private spaces either.

    arch - you feel sad he didn't blow kisses. that's kind of amusing.

    claire - The fight with me and apoc was over before it started. you know I prefer the ladies not to fight, we should be able to work it out as some sort of holy trinity. but if you must, then at least make sure I'm there to watch.

    crazyliplicker - very funny. you win the comment prize. unless that's really you, in which case I"m scared.

  8. So I read this, and it was interesting. But I just moved to DC from NYC, and all I could think was:

    Damnit if don't miss Dr. Zizmor and his miracles!

  9. If the guy grabds his crotch then points at you, then you've got something to worry about. Otherwise, his shit was probably just chapped. Come on, it's cold out!

  10. You didn't lick your lips back? C'mon, have some fun with it!

  11. Maine & Rach-a-el - I love how you have the Liplicker's back. "Liplicker's need love too baby."

    I guess that's true, not from me though.

    He may have been chapped, but the eye contact is the ingredient that makes it a problem. Eye contact even after I turned away the first time. *shudder*

  12. Im with anned..welcome to the world of woo woo. Normally, its "just" verbal woo woos, and open mouthed lip licking is acceptable in a non aggressive woo-ing. Crotch grabbing usually accompanies this, possibly some winking.

  13. I hate to tell you this man, but I know for a fact that your "admirer" was a cannibal; the subway is thick with them.

    They are not so easy to spot, but you should be wary of anyone riding the rails wearing a chef's coat or checked pants. For sanitary reasons, Chef's uniforms should never be worn outside of the kitchen so anyone sporting one of these (or a toque) in public is probably a cannibal.

    Good Luck.

  14. duly noted. no chef coat or checked pants. got it.

  15. Anonymous12/28/2005

    Well, look on the bright side.

    At least he was licking his own lips.

  16. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  17. Ode to Lip-Licking Oglers

    On the train. In the rain. Every day. You cause me pain. Up in the Bronx. You do it with honks. Down in Soho. You think I'm some street ho. In IKEA. Cada dia! Basta baby! Can't you see I'm a lady? Put your tongue in your mouth. Or I'll whack you down south. Really f***ing hard.

    Got it? It's annoying. You piss me off.

  18. Oh My GAWD!

    You are a mess.

    Blog about anything why don't ya

    I love this one. It made me smile


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