Friday, April 27, 2007

TAN Q&A: Stereohyped Editor Lauren Williams

Earlier this week my usual routine of shucking-and-jiving for the man was interrupted by the announcement of a new blog for negroes called Stereohyped. "What's this" I thought, "someone trying to impinge on my TAN-turf? AND they've got gay white dollars behind them?!!?"

Needless to say I broke out the brass knuckles and prepared for serious beef (over email of course), cause I'm the only negro allowed to tapdance for gay white blog-publishers in this town dammit!

But then I finally scrolled down past the assimilated-inspired header, and noticed the editor was female, and cute. And the content was actually pretty interesting as well. Hmmph! I was at an impasse. Like the rest of the black community I'm programmed to hate on other negroes doing things I might be able to do if I gave up my forties-and-a-blunt daily multivitamin, so now what? Well as per my usual routine when flummoxed over an issue that has racial implications I watched about six hours of Oprah to get my mind right, and after a marathon of soaking in the big O's hip-hop-hating equanimity I decided that maybe black people could work together for a change. So instead of bullets and drama I sent over some questions (and a case of Colt 45) over to assimilated negress Lauren Williams. And 'gro-and-behold she was kind enough to respond:

Lauren Williams is a bit of a generic name. Can you spare us the trouble and tell us what an in depth Google search reveals about you? Particularly your credentials as a black person and a writer/journalist/tastemaker.

Well, I've been black for about 25 years, give or take a few in the mid-to-late 90s when I was having an intense Clueless/Britney Spears moment. I double majored in English and African American Studies (with an unofficial minor in institutionalized segregation on college campuses below the Mason-Dixon Line) at the University of Virginia, followed by a Master's in Magazine, Newspaper, and Online Journalism from Syracuse University. I worked as a local news reporter at a paper in Virginia for a year, which will go down in history as the most miserable year of my life. Then I fled to Paris to study cuisine at Le Cordon Bleu. Get it? Taste. Maker. The end.

How long has Stereohyped been in the works? Did it go through different iterations?

Stereohyped has been an idea for a couple of years, but I've only been working on it for a few months. I wouldn't say it's gone through different iterations, but it has definitely evolved and will continue to as I start to get reader feedback. Readers, feed back, please!

Who would you rather be with: Derek Jeter or Jay-Z?

The more important question to ask is who would rather be with me? Last time I checked, Derek Jeter prefers his milk without the chocolate, if you know what I mean. I don't like to get played, so the natural choice would be Jay-Z.
[ed. the idea is to choose between jock/model/athlete type vs. businessman/cool personality/rapper type]

You seem to cover everything black people love, EXCEPT sports. Where's the sports love? Are you aware that a lot of black people play sports?

Ugh, sports. It's an untapped gold mine, I know. The thing is, I don't know anything about sports beyond basic pop culture references. It would ring false. That said, I'm certainly not anti-sports. If someone wants to be my sports columnist, holla! Insert "for free" somewhere in there.

How involved were you in the name and design selections? What were some of the other names. And do you know a lot of black people who wear suits and brazenly carry spray paint cans around on their way to and from work?

The site already had a name when I started working on it, and I'm no designer. I did offer my opinion on the way things looked. Also, everyone I know carries spray cans on their way to and from work. And they're brazen with it. You need to get out more. But seriously, the logo symbolically represents Stereohyped's readers, who are educated but have diverse interests, who often have to act one way at their jobs and another when they go home, and who refuse to be pigeon-holed . Basically, it's for all of the Wall Streeters out there who have penchants for graffiti. And don't they all?

Who are your competitors? Are you stealing black readers from my friends at Gawker? Are you stealing white readers from my friends at okayplayer? You've got to be stealing from someone right?

I read so many blogs, and when I discover a new one I like, I just add it to the list. I'm not sure that there are any other blogs exactly like mine right now, so I can't name any direct competitors. I hope to attract readers who like gossip blogs, political blogs, sports blogs (just kidding), fashion blogs, etc. Basically, everyone should watch their back. Or at least be cool with sharing.

Speaking of white readers, are you keeping them in mind, or could you care less if they stay or if they go now?

I love white readers! However, if, by "keeping them in mind", you mean posting content just because I think white people will like it, then the answer is no. But I won't limit myself to posts that only interest black people. I'm not even sure that's possible. A lot of my content will interest a wide range of people. I welcome that, obviously. I'm not going to turn away or deliberately alienate readers.

How do you get your hair so deliciously curly?

Miss Jessie's Curly Pudding. Look it up.

Are you single?

[ed. Holla!]

Would you rather have: Jolie's lips, Biel's booty, Johannson's rack?

Jolie's lips are fine on her, but slapped on anyone else's face I think they would look more like Jack Nicholson in his Joker makeup than Lara Croft. Johannson's rack? I like mine better. I guess that leaves Biel's booty, which, I admit, is pretty impressive.

Do you interracially date/mate?

I never have before, but it's not something I would rule out.

Have you ever been called a nappy-headed hoe? Also, do you play basketball?

No to both. But once in high school gym class a white classmate asked me if black girls had to use special mascara because our hair was different. We were on the basketball court but were playing volleyball, I think. Does that count? A little?

Are you maintaining a rigid posting schedule? How much content can we expect?

At least 10 posts a day on the weekdays. A couple on the weekends. In other words, there will be more than enough procrastination fodder for the entire workday.

Was this your baby, or David Hauslaib's? If it was his, what in the world is he doing having a black baby? Does trent-is-the-new-pink know about this? If it's your baby, how did you convince The Man to be your black-baby daddy?

What in the world is he doing having a black baby? You really don't know? Black babies are all the rage. Ask Angelina and Madonna.

Should there be a blog for Asians, puerto ricans, and native americans? How about short people, or people who talk a lot in movies? How many niches should there be?

Why not? It's not for me to say how many niches there should be. Nobody's forcing people to read their blogs or making readers pay for the service. I'm pretty sure there are some bloggers who write just for themselves and consider readers an added bonus. Anyway, there is a small, odd, but loyal group of people who would religiously follow the People Who Talk A Lot In Movies Blog. I'm waiting for one geared toward people whose second toes are longer than their big toes. I might start that on the side.

Parting shots?


SoHo Knows: Rosie Leaving The View

Richard and I discovered that Crosby Street in SoHo harbors a good amount of hostility for Rosie O'Donnell.

First Responders [Gawker]

Oh Word Finds Cam'Ron's Rhyme Book

The crew over at Oh Word managed to swipe “The Official Rhyme Book of Killa Cam’ron Giles” and now have it on display. It's great. Highly recommended for hip hop newbies and the headiest of lyric-heads alike, peep it immediately.

Officshal Rhymes Book Of Killa Cam [Oh Word]

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Who Is America's TAN? Jeter vs. Jay-Z

A friend of mine and I were debating who we'd rather be, Derek Jeter or Jay-Z. And somehow it seemed there was merit in going through the pantheon of assimilated negroes and determining who you prefer. So on occasion, we will do just that. Consider it the search for America's Top Assimilated Negro. Here are some of the key variables in the matchup of "The Captain" vs. "The President"

Physical Attraction
Jeter is younger and certainly more of the model type. As the pro athlete he's also in better shape, and the better bet to live longer. Jeter looks like the product of a fancy multicultural marriage, Jay looks like he's from the projects. Granted he's cleaned himself up nice, but it's telling that when it came time for battle Nas immediately went for the jugular with repeated attacks on Jay's questionable physical appeal. Jay does sometimes comes across as the late blooming ugly kid who wasn't treated nice by the girlies, but now is rich so it doesn't matter.

Edge: Jeter

Jeter got the 2nd richest contract in sports history, and he's the face of the game, but he's not going to match duckets with Jay. Jeter's got Gatorade, Jay's got Budweiser. Jeter has Driven, Jay has Rocawear. Sean Dot is clearly just more aggressive with the business plan.

There's also an interesting difference in lifestyle. Both are public performers and gain a lot of celebrity from their profession. But Hov has the 24-7, 365 job while Jeter's work is concentrated between April and October. Sort of a tough call, but ...

Edge: Jay

Jay's got, perhaps, the hottest chick in the game wearing his chain. And if he's hitting Rihanna pon de replay, that's not a bad mistress. But still, who's really effing with Jeter? He lives in the average man's fantasy world: Biel, Johansson, Minnillo, Alba, Brewster. Those come after he broke in with Mariah when she was young and hot, and former Miss Universe Lara Dutton. Simply an impeccable resume. We're not even gonna talk about it anymore.

Edge: Jeter

Jeter comes across a little jockish, and he hasn't looked good during the ARod fiasco; seems like he can be an asshole sometimes. But also seems like he's trying to protect his personal life. If he could poke fun of himself on SNL (in one sketch Jeter says of himself, "Jeter looks like The Rock had sex with a Muppet") Jay always seems cool, though sometimes his coolness reaches to the point of pretense.

Edge: Jay

All in all this feels like a classic matchup of Model/Jock type versus Cool Everyman. Jeter has natural looks and physical stuff going for him, but Jay may be the guy you'd rather chill and have drinks with. That said I think Jeter wins his categories by a more decisive margin, so he gets the overall victory in a close matchup.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Tired Kitty To The Rescue

Sooo tired ... but ... must ... keep ... my paws up ... zzzzzzz:

Friday, April 20, 2007

SoHo Knows: Virginia Tech Shootings

Richard and I hit the street known as Crosby to talk to people about the various issues stemming from the tragedy at Virginia Tech. Tricky subject, but opening graphic notwithstanding, I think we managed to explore in a tactful manner.

First Responders [Gawker]

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Negro Law: Can Nike Use Racism To Sell Us Sneakers

The story that refuses to die has found a new medium: advertising. AdAge reports about Nike using nappy-headed hoes racism and Don Imus as the fuel for their new campaign.

The ad, which ran on a full page in last Sunday's NY Times and will be used as a banner on some websites, reads:

"Thank you, ignorance.
Thank you for starting the conversation.
Thank you for making an entire nation listen to the Rutger's team story. And for making us wonder what other great stories we've missed.
Thank you for reminding us to think before we speak.
Thank you for showing us how strong and poised 18 and 20-year-old women can be.
Thank you for reminding us that another basketball tournament goes on in March.
Thank you for showing us that sport includes more than the time spent on the court.
Thank you for unintentionally moving women's sport forward.
And thank you for making all of us realize that we still have a long way to go.
Next season starts 11.16.07."

I think they edited out this line:

Also, thank you for giving us another way to sell sneakers to nappy-headed mofos.

Incorrect apostrophe usage aside (uh, you think Nike could scrounge up some money for a copyeditor to tell them there is no such school as "Rutger"), the ad does raise some questions.

Are they right? Are we NOW looking for other "great stories"? And do racist mofos saying stupid ish constitute a "great story?"

And how about all this "progess of women's sport?" Are a lot of people now going to attend the women's NCAA tournament? Do they now also care about the time these females spend off the court?

Are there people who didn't know when the season started that are now marking 11/16/07 on their calendar?

I don't know.

I know for me personally, the Imus ad will not likely motivate me to watch a women's basketball game. But this other Nike ad might:

Thank you big booty. Thank you for moving woman-kind forward.

So yeah, I don't know if I'm sold on Nike's message in this Imus campaign.

What I do know for sure is that Nike has sneakers to offer you. And they're using this controversy to sell some. Which leads to the final question:

is that cool?

(thanks Tishon, for the link)

Jimmy Kimmel vs. Gawker

I will be revisiting this incident between Gawker editor Emily Gould and late night guy Jimmy Kimmel, but just posting the vid now for safekeeping:

My Lady Left Me For A Hershey's Kiss

We've all heard about love and chocolate being synonymous in terms of your bio-chemistry. But now researchers have found that chocolate is more stimulating to your brain and body than kissing (and not just a peck, we're talking serious slob-down here). In this BBC report Dr. David Lewis of the Mind Lab says, "There is no doubt that chocolate beats kissing hands down when it comes to providing a long-lasting body and brain buzz."

As an aside, this news has led me to start working on my newest invention: Chocolate Tongue Sleeves!

Everyone can get their own set of choco tongue sleeves. You'll come to the store, stick your tongue in the Chocolate Mould Maker, and voila! Now your every kiss will be tasty and exciting. Licking your lips, or even the concrete, will be a constant temptation; and when you kiss you get double the buzz! These sleeves will be perfect for dating those girls who taste a little too salty when you lick them up and down 'til they say stop. Now you can stick your tongue anywhere and it will taste like mouth watering chocolate. Her mouth, her boobs, her ears; you haven't lived until you've had some chocolate ear wax homey. And when she's a little fishy down there, no problem! Chocolate fish! DELICIOUS! And if you're getting really freaky, and going down on the back-hand side (aka The Real Dirty South) she won't even need to clean her booty! Just turn out the lights, light the incense, and savor her chocolatey fountain of farts, feces fondue goodness...

Ok, now where was I again? Oh right. Chocolate!

So yeah, I've always been one to place some value on the connection you feel when kissing. But apparently if you're a bad kisser, you can try a Kit Kat instead. Or something similar. Maybe they should market chocolate as some sort of Kissing Viagra? If your lips are a little limp, put a little cacao on there and you should have her endorphins pumping in no time. Either way, it's just more reason to stock up fellas, it could very well save your relationship.

And of course I'll keep you posted when the choco sleeves come out.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


If you tell me you had video of a man being pelted by a slice of pizza, I wouldn't anticipate it being all that funny. But this video below is pure COMEDY GOLD. I think the announcers really make the whole thing go:

Here's a more expanded clip:

The Boston Herald has the equally hilarious justification (via deadspin).

Monday, April 16, 2007

Masturbation Law: How Long Before You Can Fantasize About The Recently Deceased?

The newest issue of Playboy is a tribute to Anna Nicole Smith and in putting together this issue they pose an interesting dilemma for us frequent-rubber-outers: how soon is too soon for dead women?

Now unlike say, Jessica Alba, Anna Nicole Smith isn't as smooth a masturbatory target victim. Some girls as soon as their image locks eyes with yours, you just have to find someplace to relieve the sexual tension. But Anna Nicole Smith is a little more complicated. She carries a lot of masturbation baggage. Will the old man pop in your head? What about the baby? Will they have to test your DNA if you come on her picture? Plus if you've seen her reality show or any of her interviews, then you know about the "personality glitches" that can trigger a disruption to your self-love connection at any time.

Then again, fodder is fodder. Once in the realm of sex and and fantasy, most males develop a high tolerance level for glitches in the matrix. Whether you're dead, or turn into a fox, or sprout a third leg, most guys can integrate these developments into a cohesive fantasy:

"I'm going to bang you until you come back to life girl!"

"Girl, you know you are sexy... sexy like a fox!"

"Ok. Turn over and put your third leg in position so that it partially covers the hole, but I also still rub against it on the side a little."

It's always a question whether it's more appropriate to honor the dead through solemn hands-off reverence, or via celebration and an even more enthusiastic appreciation of life. Playboy obviously votes for the latter. How about you? Are you gonna be quick to squeeze a little semen out for the big-boobed girl who passed away? Or will you feel a pang of disappointment at never being able to get a good session going off her Trim-Spa ass again? Where does the penis draw the line? What is the statute of limitations on this?

Luckily for me it doesn't matter, I only read articles in Penthouse.

When Beer Pong Rules The Earth, This Man Will Be Our King

I wonder if this guy and the kids who rolled up an "ounce" of "pot" go to the same vocational school:
via Deadspin

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Assimilated Thoughts: Uptown/Downtown

When I go downtown to Gawk HQ and I pull out my 14" ibook I worry that Balk or Emily are going to write some snarky post about “TAN's cheesy laptop.” It feels big and cumbersome and old.

When I pull out my ibook uptown, I attract a crowd and elicit oooh’s and ahhh’s from the crowd. I feel on the cutting edge of technology.

When I wear my olive green corduroy jeans from Ralph downtown, I feel like I'm part of the crowd. Maybe a little hipsterish, but no one notices.

When I wear them uptown, I feel like I'm wearing a costume. Everyone is looking and wondering why my pants aren’t blue or black. Or made of denim.

If I'm downtown and I only have $5 on me, if I don't find a fast food dollar menu somewhere I'm skeptical of my chances of getting something to eat.

If I'm uptown it seems the world is my oyster and I can eat just about anywhere I want.

When I'm downtown, I overhear conversations about New Media, and blogs, and The Assimilated Negro.

When I'm uptown all I hear about is myspace. The internet = myspace.

When I'm downtown I laugh and frolic with my caucasian friends with nary a second thought about how corny they might look, or if they're embarrassing me and/or undermining my “negro kool.” In fact, I occasionally even wonder if I'm the one embarrassing them (answer: yes!).

When I'm uptown, I always end up giving my caucasian friends a look-over and scurry them along according to their corniness quotient.

One world is tough enough, two is driving me crazy...

Friday, April 13, 2007

But Since I've Never Smoked Before, I Don't Think I Would Feel it

This is what the kids call an "ounce" of "pot" being rolled into a "joint":

People Are From Mars, Racists Are From Venus

The crackdown continues:

Three cheers for justice! Three cheers for nappy-headed hoes!!

It’s reality television come to life!! Dial up your nearest blog and tell them you demand justice!!!

Behold, the perfect victims: The Rutgers women basketball team!

Young, Negro, Tightly-Wound-Curly-Haireded, Scholar Athletes. A roster that promises to hold a young Oprah, a young Tyrah, a young Beyonceh, a young Halleh (in Jungle Fever of course!), a young Hilary Clinton, a young Jessica Biel’s ass; all the things a young African American woman could aspire for in this godforsaken White AmeriK3a.

Behold, the perfect villain: Don Imus!

Old, Wispy-Haired, Ugly, easily mistaken for the face of evil! The craggy-skin embodiment of that most contemptible type of racist: the hickbilly twatwaffle. Every wrinkle a slur, every crevasse a racial epithet!! And caught on youtube (he couldn't even get the video taken down! Pfft!) for all to see him frosting his poundcake of racism with smug chortling (he calls the dessert "Race-Baiters Delight," and it is best served lukewarm). His parter-in-crow, "Jim [redacted]," adding the a la mode, as they tangibly oppressed these women right before our eyes!

Some tried to let it go by. “We don’t even listen to Imus” they cried. The children under forty claimed to not even know who he was.

But by the power of Martin, and Malcolm, and Al, dammit, we didn’t let up. We didn’t say, “see, there’s the man holding us down again,” then go out for lunch and take a nap as black comedians tells us we are wont to do. No, no! We let them silky-haired crackas know. This racial injustice ish is OUR DOMAIN!! THIS IS OUR HOUSE!! AND WE DEMAND SACRIFICE!!!! WE ARE HUNGRY, AND DESIRE TO EAT OF HIS FLESH!! WE LONG TO CHEW UP AND SPIT OUT THIS MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE CAUCASIAN BEEF JERKY!!!

The pasty-faced tribesman were stricken with horror, they didn’t want to kill one of their elders!! One of the legends of broadcasting; an ancient relic with the slick trick of making dollars disappear from the wallets of old white people. Alas, if the tribe was going to survive, the old man had to be left behind.

The Caucasian Tribe Has Spoken: We cast thee out racist!!

But seriously folks …

I learned everything I needed to know in kindergarten when I read this line in the Times:

Mr. Imus, 66, was among the most recognizable voices on radio, and commanded a salary estimated at $10 million a year.


If Don Imus was commanding $10M/year, that ish right there is RACIST! It’s the crime of the century! You don't need to fire him, just pay him minimum wage. Actually if you really want to put oomph behind your words, Mr. Man, go sleep with a fat black woman acknowledge this as an affirmative action move and go full throttle with it. Hire a black DJ to replace Don Imus! Preferably a hoe with kinky hair. And give them, let's say, $1M/year (is there a black DJ making six figures, let alone seven?). If you can't do that, then I guess I can settle for a new VP of Mailroom position (but give the title some teeth!). In this era of reality show transparency, the story of its inception will give you a sizeable ground audience and if you actually pick someone reasonably good they should be able to sustain the show. And voila! Now you're really living The Dream! (Of course I’m presuming there’s a black radio DJ of the Imus caliber out there in the jungles of Africa somewhere.)

Otherwise tell The Man and The Media that I refuse to play in their silly game of Three Race Monty!!

(Oh wait a minute, I LOVE THIS GAME!!)

Ok now someone pass the gravy, these northern-fried Imus drumsticks need some more flavor.

First Responders: Nappy-Headed Hoes (video)
Cracka Crackdown: Nappy-Headed Imus Edition


Sexism comes and goes on the Imus show, and all over the culture for that matter — but a visceral debate over racism in America is always there, waiting. “There is an insatiable appetite for race-related discourse in the country,” said Edward Wasserman, a journalism professor at Washington and Lee University. “Imus is just a barstool bigot, but there is such a river of anxiety about race in the culture that it doesn’t take much to tap into it.”

- NY Times

This is the business to be in people: Racism!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I Read Penthouse For The Articles, So Should You

So speaking of Racist Sex Parties, I was actually a little miffed with that Details story because it scooped a piece I recently closed for Penthouse, "How To Have Sex With A Racist." But might as well mention it now, and here's a snippet for the TAN faithful:

Finally America is the melting pot they always said it would be. Blacks, Whites, Puerto Ricans, Indians, hipsters, crackers, more are all getting a taste of the once exotic and forbidden fruit. We see it in movies, on TV, even at the mall; it’s like the new national mission is Manifest Miscegenation Destiny.

With all that interracial mating going on, where does that leave the racists? Why should they be left out of the multi-toned orgy? I mean, they're racists not lepers, and what’s casual sex without a little bit of self-loathing? What I’m trying to say is: racists gotta have sex too, and they want to dip their lilly white toes into other gene pools from time to time. Besides, it’s not like couples have to agree on everything, right?

Now for a young African-American male like myself, sleeping with a racist can get stickier than a tar baby, but I should clarify what I mean when I say “racist” ...

So that comes out in the June issue, make sure you pick it up and read it after masturbating to whoever's on the cover.

And also, seriously, no joke, read this article in the New York Observer about the new more upscale vision of Penthouse. Current EIC Mark Healy, who I worked with on this piece, and formerly of GQ, is positioning the mag as more of a men's lifestyle mag, with better pictures. And based on the fairly rigorous editing process with he and his girl Raegan (hi!), I would say they mean business.

So yeah, keep an eye out for the 'House in general, but ESPECIALLY in June. Yay!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Cracka Crackdown: Nappy-Headed Imus Edition

Easter actually came early last week when fossilized talk-show host Don Imus returned from the dead just in time to refer to the Rutgers women's basketball team as a bunch of "nappy-headed hoes" and cause a hubbub. If you missed it, here's the video footage (with Billy Packer using the word "fag" as a bonus at the end). Donosaur Imus would later apologize and agree to buy a black kid a cup of coffee for a month.

As usual with these scenarios you have the contingent that says there's no real problem with this, and Imus is actually a victim. This group is comprised of 99% white people who point to guys like Chris Rock, or Chappelle, or um, TAN, and say, "hey if he gets to make race jokes, so can us crackas." Or they might say, "if you can use the word cracka, we can call you a jigaboo."

Here's the problem with that theory: IT'S F'ING WRONG!

Listen crackas, I'm not saying it's fair, or that it's not a double standard. It totally is. But guess what? American apple pie is filled with double-standards, injustices, and transfatlie goodness... but no apples! And since regulating usage of racial humor and epithets is one of the few things we can do with any sort of legitimate authority, excuse us if we're not in any rush to let crackas like Imus and Michael Richards go all kkkrazy with their repressed racist feelings. All we have is the race-card; y'all have the everything-else card. So just fall back and let us lynch a cracka when they act out of line, okay? If Jay-Z calls me a ni**a, I'm gonna bob my head and hold up the ROC sign. If my boy says "waddup ni**a," I'm going to say "Holla!" (or something like that). If an old white guy who used to play shuffleboard with Jesus' grandfather calls me a "nappy-headed blog-ho," I'm going to try to kill him at the least demand an apology.

This is much better than y'all coming off some real $$$ for some serious reparations, so stop your complaining crackas. Word.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

A Sense Of Humor Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

Dear Hip Hop,

Waddup son.

Yo did you peep that Alanis Morissette video? It's fire.

I think the song itself is better executed than the video; but with a stroke of inspiration like this, nitpicking is silly. The genius here has nothing to do with the execution, and everything to do with Alanis Morissette, artist, having a sense of humor.

How come you don't ever do stuff like that? Caucasians have no problem hamming it up, and sometimes even being funny with it (see Weird Al, and Em); but for the most part you're like, "nah, strictly girls and money, or maybe politics, that's all I got respect for. Real ni**a ish."

This "keeping it real" impulse is the same sensibility that allows critics to call pre-Humps Alanis Morissette a "drippy flower child." My art is too serious for jokes. My ish is too real for humor. This ain't a game. You're always saying that.

And I understand, I'm not hating. You are who you are. I mean when you were on your grind, on the come-up, no one wanted to take you seriously. So this stance makes sense. Anyone who's overcome a lot to to achieve their position is not going to be all enthused about jokes that possibly shortchange all the work they put in. Unfortunately, it might leave you looking like a humorless a**hole. I think Kanye might know something about this.

But yo, you're all grown up now son. And part of growing up is you can laugh at real ish. You don't need cartoons and ridiculous silliness. I mean everyone likes cartoons sometimes, but I know your sense of humor is definitely more nuanced than you let on.

I know you can do parody and satire. I know you got jokes-and-jokes-and-jokes son. That's why I thought you needed to hang out with Chappelle more. His show was like you. When I first saw it I thought, "this ni**a is just like hip hop." Funny sketches followed by dope music was a hot formula. "Pee On You" was scalding.

Anyhumor, I hope you get the balls to do some Alanis Morissette type flame-throwing. If you got one of your "serious artists" to do a cover of "This Is Why I'm Hot," or one of these other idiotic songs proliferating the airwaves and clubs, that might spark some nice buzz. I'll definitely be looking forward to it.



This Is What We Call 'Home Court Advantage'

SoHo Knows: New York Auto Show

Richard & TAN talk to people about cars and the auto show.

First Responders [Gawker]

Friday, April 06, 2007

These Asian Guys Have Balls

I never realized a game show where guys allow themselves to get slapped in the balls could be so hilariously entertaining. In fact I didn't even know such a game show existed. Then I saw this and killed two balls with one video clip:

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Fellas, Don't Rape Anyone In China Next Month

So an anti-rape device invented over a year ago is going to be mass-produced in China next month.

The device is likened to a female condom, except instead of smooth lubricating oils and jellies, it has 25 fish-like-teeth that will attach on to the penis of any would-be rapist or unsuspecting lover. OUCH!

Of course there is some debate over the product. For one, does it actually prevent rape? Seems like a woman would have to wear a decal on her ass or something, like home security alarms, that alert potential predators to the fact that breaking-and-entering into this vijay-jay will leave you with spikes in painful places.

For two, what about the angry wife or jealous girlfriend? We all know women can get a little irrational at times, and I know plenty of ladies that would take the opportunity to teach me a lesson even if the punishment far outweighed my crime of showing up late for dinner. Such a device may be too dangerous in the hands of women.

And aside from intentional use, there's also the chance a woman could forget she's wearing it. After all, it can't be great fun removing the jaws-of-death every time you go out, so I'm sure some girls would just keep it in there forever.

Rapex (the name of the product) is apparently unable to be removed without the aid of a surgeon, so it does help in terms of identifying rapists. Just look for the guy hunched over in agonizing pain talking about barbed wire on his wee-wee. That pain is supposed to give a victim the chance to escape, but some speculate it might cause more problems as the assaulter might just start wailing on her while he tries to figure out where the vaginal barracuda came from.

So this has been discussed around the internet over the past year, but now it's hitting the market. And presumably everyone should know about it. Girls thinking about getting raped (no one told you to wear that hot short skirt and knee-high boot ensemble!) may want to try out the protection, and of course guys now have more incentive for foreplay (better your third finger than your third leg). There is a website, where the FAQ is no longer up, but I'm sure they'll have some wonderful testimonials posted soon.

Good Luck!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Someone Get This Woman Down To Crosby Street ASAP

In doing First Responders, Richard and I sometimes receive some criticism for not leaving Crosby Street, or talking to boring people. To which I say, not everyone can find and interview the woman in this video and subsequently guarantee the product will be entertaining (and NSFW):

Where are you baby? Come to SoHo mami, you will be a First Responders Superstar!

My Humps 1-2 Punch

Alanis Morissette just did an amusing cover of My Humps:

Here's the original, if you forgot it:

Monday, April 02, 2007

Sex Is Back!!!

Sex Wins!!! Sex Wins!!!

Mets are back in action, and thusly, they continue to be Better Than Sex. I've added a couple new sexual contributors who've been getting their blog legs during spring training, and we're looking forward to a new season. Holla!

The Mets Are Better Than Sex

TAN & Okayplayer Making The World A Better Place

So on Friday I posted here and on okayplayer about helping Shaquanda Cotton.

On Saturday Shaquanda Cotton was released after spending a year in prison. This Tribune article makes no mention of us, but we had to help right?

Wonderful that this story, THIS PROBLEM, is finally on the road to being rectified, but the Tribune story on her release reveals more on how ridiculous it was for this girl to even be in this situation:

Since she has been in prison, Shaquanda Cotton said that she had grown despondent surrounded by other youths who were hardened criminals, and that she had tried to commit suicide. Her sentence, which ultimately was up to the discretion of prison officials, had twice been extended, first because she would not admit her guilt as required by prison regulations and then because she was found with "contraband" in her cell -- an extra pair of socks.

What prison officials extended this girls sentence because of an extra pair of socks? Unless they have a good alibi they deserve to be put in prison themselves.

Anyjail, Shaquanda is free. Yay!

Our work here is done ... for now.
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