Wednesday, October 25, 2006

"Terrible" Terry Tate: Office Linebacker

This commercial dropped a few years ago, but the power of youtube allows us to revisit this hall-of-fame clip again-and-again. The "Office Linebacker" premise was golden, but everything is driven by the best individual performance in a commercial ever.

Terry Tate will take over from here.

Greatest Beatdown Of All Time

Friday, October 20, 2006

2006 Mets: A Picture Of Sexual Frustration

I want to have more sex, but ...

The Mets this season were like my girl above. So hot, so sexy, so ready for action .... but in the end, we couldn't stick it in. No matter how hard we tried.

It's gonna be tough walking around with this girl all offseason.

A Tale Of Two Curveballs [Mets Are Better Than Sex]

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Let Them Eat Bling

What the six-million-dollar man cops for his boo on their wedding day.

Later that night she might take off the fantasy bra.

Not even sexin' yet and you're down $32,500,000. That's gotta be some BLAZING coochie-fritos for that sort of investment. Hot sauce, all of that. (disclosure: I'm not that big on hot sauce)

Way To Use That Money

laundry bag bling

Where's Global Warming When You Need It

The aptly named Joe Bastardi, the long-term weather forecaster for predicts:
the winter in the Northeast and Midwest is expected to begin mild before turning significantly colder in January and February as cold air pours down from Canada. Overall, New York City and Boston are expected to average slightly below normal for the three-month winter period of December through February. The winter along the East Coast and Gulf Coast will be marked by stormy weather, because of the pattern created by the El NiƱo that formed this summer and was identified by Bastardi in the late spring.
Preliminary Winter Outlook [accuweather]

From The TAN Inbox: The Next Big Thing

The Year in TAN, Review of Black.White., and other delicious items soon come. But it's a hectic beginning of the week, so for now we just take a direct feed from my always-entertaining inbox:
From: Friend Of TAN (FOT)
Sometimes I pass gas in the office. And it is unbelievable. Like just now. I wonder if [office coworker] can smell it. I think someone should start a website where you can post secret questions like this that you'd maybe want to ask a person and then the website could send an anonymous e-mail to the person posing the questions.
So I could post my query and then [office coworker] email. Then they would e-mail [office coworker] "Does your cubical neighbor pass gas that bothers you?" and then I would log back on for the answer. What do you think? We could call it secrets Our e-mail could be
Tagline could be "Answers to all the questions your too afraid to ask..." Don't tell anyone about this. This is top secret. And if next week I see a site doing this you will be held liable.
I don't know if this is the next big thing, but in answer to the question of if your coworker smells it. YES. And on their behalf we request you go to the bathroom when you need to vent your fiery furnace of flatus.

Friday, October 13, 2006

And Then, You're Not Gonna Believe This, But Then Lightning Shot Out Of My Ass! No Seriously!!

Speaking of anal [retentive], this was slipped in the remainders on Gawker. As Jess noted, the lede is irresistible:
A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body

Catching Lightning In A Bottle (shaped like your ass) []

Tom Glavine Is Sexy

Game One goes to the good guys.

Tom Glavine is an animal
... and oh, so sexy.

Game Two tonight ... should be another orgiastic affair.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

'The Gay Science' Clubs, Now With Extra Gay And Zero Science

The NY Sun does a little profile on some philosophy fan clubs, some of whom are celebrating the birthday of your father and mine, Friedrich Nietzsche, this Friday. I'm all aboard on Train Zarathustra, and as a blogger I know it is my duty to party like it's year 1999 in the Eternal Recurrence. But even the most depressed of existentialists has to chuckle at the "rock on" language in this party invitation:
"In the spirit of an ancient symposium," the Nietzsche Circle announcement reads, "imbibe the spirits of Dionysus and the food of Epicurus and engage in discourse on Nietzsche's philosophy in honor of his birth, accompanied by the dangerous music of the flute."
So I guess when Nietzsche said, "The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!" he meant you should have a hot flute soundtrack bumping in your ipod or in the background somewhere. Proceed accordingly.

These Fan Clubs Are For Deep Thinkers
(thanks AliZ)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Testosterone Post: NFL Pix & Why Men Like Anal [Retentive]

Another solid week for picks in the NFL, only 4 losses in 14 games, Buffalo (bears keep smacking me up for doubting), Jets, Steelers (Rivers keeps smacking me for doubting), Ravens. An interesting push week, with a few games finishing right at the line - Rams/Pack, Pats/Dolphins, Carolina/Cleveland.

I say it's less about winning and more about "not losing," so I'll mark this down at 10-4. Bringing us to 28-16 on the season. Not too shabby. Week 6 on the horizon.

And talk of "winning" versus "not losing," leads us to this overheard* exchange:

W: So what is it with you/guys and anal sex? What do they like about it? Is it the perversity and novelty?

M: "No ... I think it's the doo-doo."

Saturday, October 07, 2006

NFL Picks: Week 5

18-12 so far. Week 5 coming up.

Tennessee (+19) @ Indianopolis
- I refuse to accept the Titans as the doormat of the league. Not with the man who will put an end to affirmative action Art Shell and the Oakland Raiders still alive and fumbling. Colts win, obviously, but don't cover the three touchdowns.

Washington (+5) @ New York Giants - I'm a Giants fan. But I think they should be setup for a win here. At home, coming off ab ad loss before the bye. Redskins coming off a crazy win against Jacksonville. The game should be close, but Manning and Co. should win by a TD. I'd also bet on Lavar Arrington eating somebody.

Detroit (+7) @ Minnesota - Detroit is still winless, which is not a surprise since they are also talentless. Vikings should be hungry enough to cover at 2-2, take them in the dome.

Tampa Bay (+7) @ New Orleans - New Orleans is a good team. They should continue to get better as they find their identity. But with the Bucs winless, and the Saints with only one loss, this is an easy regression-to-the-mean game. Bucs have to get a win, Saints have to get an L. So taking the Bucs and the points is an easy call here.

St. Louis (-3) @ Green Bay - Brett Favre has officially transcended QB evaluation. You can't say he's bad, he's Brett Favre, going to Canton. But is he good? Can't say that either. We're going to go with a Favre renaissance this week, and say he wins or loses a heartbreaker. Go Pack.

Miami (+10) @ New England - Miami's in trouble. But the Pats aren't the same team. Miami can stay within double digits, and if not the Pats won't be able to run it up. Either way take the fish and the points.

Buffalo (+10) @ Chicago - Chicago's the current king of the NFC. And they match up very well against Buffalo's offense. A team of cardboard cutouts matches up well with Buffalo's offense also. I have a feeling the Bills keep it close though, if only through a reality-check game for Grossman who has to be playing over his head. I'm playing the parity angle here and taking Buffalo and points.

Cleveland (+8) @ Carolina - Carolina's got Mr. Smith back, so they are a team again. Cleveland Browns are the team you get when you show up late for your fantasy draft. Carolina covers.

New York Jets (+8) @ Jacksonville - Jacksonville will be peeved after giving one up against the Redskins. I refuse to believe the Jets are any good. But I think they can keep it tight. No Matt Jones for the Jags, so I'll take the Jets and points.

Kansas City (-3 1/2) @ Arizona - The Leinart era begins. Chiefs play defense a little now, but no longer have offense. I'll take the kid and the Cardinals at home.

Oakland (+3 1/2) @ San Francisco - Oakland is a black hole. Word is Randy Moss, Aaron Brooks, and Jerry Porter, are looking for a fourth so they can play some Spades on the sideline. At least San Francisco has sunshine. Maybe they can cover as well.

Dallas (+2 1/2) @ Philadelphia - Big game. I think Philly's the better team. I haven't seen the 'Boys yet. I'll take Philly to cover, and I also bet someone tries to hit T.O. real hard.

Pittsburgh (+3 1/2) @ San Diego - Steelers D should really be primed to get this team back on track. I'm still looking at Rivers with squinty eyes. I look for the Steelers to get this one on the road.

Baltimore (+4) @ Denver - Monday Night. Definitely not the same. Baltimore's undefeated, they have a QB. Denver has one also, but his name is Jake Plummer. Should be a tight game, but I'm surprised the Ravens aren't favored. So I'll take Ray Lew and the points.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Also, 95% Of Men Scratch Their Balls On Sunday

I was never a math person, but if over half of America confesses to re-gifting, doesn't that mean only 25% of the gifts in America are things people might actually want or use?

That's why for all my friends, family, and loved ones I give the gift that keeps on giving. A gift for the person who has everything...

One Year's Subscription To TAN.

Half Americans Admit To Re-Gifting

Pharoahe Monch: Push Video

In November Pharoahe Monch is dropping his 2nd album, seven years after his debut classic Internal Affairs. Based on his skill set, Pharoahe should have been a mainstream star long time ago, he's got all the tools, and the desire (the name of his second album), he's a classic victim of the label system, where money and marketing determine an artist's success as opposed to his skills/work.

The video for his new single Push just came out. Song's hot, I likey. Here it is:

It's Like Nature's Double Negative

A great piece of news for the "Legalize Marijuana" street team, apparently there's new research that smoking the wacky tobaccy can help you be a little less wacky if you happen to have Alzheimer's.

Of course this is terrible for those of who just desperately want to forget.

The horror, the horror.

Some Smoke To Forget, Some Smoke To Not Forget Their Forgetting

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Paper Of Record Makes It Official: 110th St. New Mason-Dixon Line

Veteran New Yorkers have long known about the unofficial "Mason-Dixon line" at 96th St. on the east side (on the west side, aka Columbiaville, the cutoff comes around 125th).

But with so many in New York tapping into their inner-Jefferson and "moving on up," the more observant have wondered if perhaps the Mason-Dixon needed to be moved up to accomodate these pioneering frontiersman (and women). And if it is being moved up, how far north do we venture? 103rd is the next train stop. 106th is the next street that goes all the way across the park. 110th street covers everything, but that might be cutting it a little close.

Well when in doubt on matters of preeminent cultural significance, we grab the nearest NY Times fashion & style section, and it looks like they have an answer for us today:
To the city below 110th Street, Harlem is simultaneously unrefined and a daringly sophisticated community, stretching the boundaries of humanity and culture in a way that few other American neighborhoods do.
And with a couple commas, letters, and words, history is made. Refined unsophisticates now allowed to brave the SpaHamazon Jungle as far up as 109th Street (110th is actually just a neutral buffer zone.). Should you get hungry, there's a White Castle on 103rd and 1st Avenue. Good luck.

The Gentrification Train To Harlem Still On Schedule, Next Stop 116th Street [NY Times]

And Then Kafka Was Like, "Dude, Back Off Already!!"

Dragon asks a good question, how many roaches until you "have roaches?"

I see maybe 5-6 roaches a year in my apartment. I'd say i don't have roaches.

Taj mentions, "a roach or two every few days." I'd say that's definitely having roaches.


I think I'd settle for a roach or two a month means you got them. So let's call it at ten a year or less, and you get roach-free certification.

Girls could definitely start checking if your roach-free certification card is current. Which means some guys are gonna have to borrow their boys' card, cause their crib is straight infested. On some don't even turn on the lights after sunset ish.

10 or less and you are roach-free certified. Yes?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Quest For Conflict

When I talk about time as an erosion of false truths, it relates to a larger "quest for conflict." Negroes might call it "beef." David Mamet might call it "drama." Whatever name you give it in your cellphone, it appears to be a fundamental part of the human condition (everybody raise the "W" in the air for that wiki knowledge son. In the '06, you don't need a brain, all you need is an internet connection.).

See my family, friends, lovers, enemies, blog-commenters, all look the same in my portfolio. My relationships have a formula: R=Time(x). Relationship equal time invested (times) X. Where x = the person. And while I enjoy the quirky facade of social deviance that boiling your relationships down to a formula provides me, it's not really that complicated; your relationship with a person is a function of the time you spend with them. So if you spend no time with your mother, it doesn't matter that she's your "mother," you still have essentially the same relationship with her as that person you play eye-tag with on the train to work. And the best friend you talk to every day is more "family" than either of them.

The trick, however, is that "time" is not measured in seconds, minutes, decades. It is measured via experience, through learning, through an "erosion of false truths," through conflict. Conflict is the glue, the flour, the franchise player, the daily special/soup-du-jour of a relationship. Without conflict we stagnate. It is through beef that we facilitate change. It is through drama we facilitate growth? (it might be counter-intuitive to suggest all change = growth, change can be negative - cancer, bankruptcy, being abandoned by your parents, alzheimer's, these things may be a product of change, but wouldn't typically represent "growth." But that's just imposing a morality. Maybe cancer can be growth/positive? Morality is not under scrutiny today though, so I'll just keep the "change-as-growth" idea as a question for now.)

We may initially bond with people due to shared sensibilities and common interests, but the relationship itself is formed by finding out the differences. After all when two people connect, the only thing you can really take for granted is that there are two different people involved, so MAYBE you will agree on some things, but you DEFINITELY know you won't on others. No one is the same, right? So it makes sense that ferreting out the nature of those differences, and what it means to each party is most important. I may meet some guys on Sunday watching football, but if they don't get down with punching little girls in the face Mon-Fri, then that may be where the relationship ends. Because, you know, that's a big part of my life.

So we find out these differences, and thus the nature of our relationships through conflict. You beef, and the relationship either develops from there, or it doesn't. And each episode of "Beef" could be seen as a measurement of time. Maybe time, and subsequently change, isn't constant. It is episodic. Kind of like how some people remain in stasis until they see the next episode of Entourage, or Lost, or The Wire. Our relationships, and subsequently us, remain in stasis until these many big and small episodes of conflict occur. If you have a new friend, and you meet three times a week, have a couple drinks, but keep everything friendly and polite, the relationship won't grow, no matter how often you meet. The person will always be "this guy I have drinks with," until you reveal that you think they have bad breath, and a certain awkwardness around women. Then you have the foundation for some conflict, and a need for a new drinking buddy. Or maybe, just maybe, a new friendship after he explains his medical condition, and how he's a late bloomer who never talked to girls until late last year.

I blame Judeo-Christian morality values for a lot of things. And this is another one. I think we fear conflict because we've learned that being nice to people and polite is what constitutes a relationship, and more importantly, gets you into that VIP Club Heaven when you die. Conflict = war = [d]evil = no entrance.

I understand the golden rule. We don’t want to hurt people. No one deserves to be cast out from the pack. There’s a place in the sun for everyone. And conflict is often complicated. It’s difficult to clash, and still feel there can be a healthy relationship post-beef. So it’s safer to be nice. Don’t hurt the feelings, and no need to worry, and we all move on ... to the people we can beef with.

It's also a product of feeling comfortable with the status-quo. You beef to facilitate change, and if everything's all good, then there's no need to seek out conflict, even if everyone knows it's there. This might be why the average negro in America has a stronger "will to beef" than the average caucasian. All the fuel for independent or underground artists/agents of change. The premise for all "safe" mainstream media - tv, movies, music, magazines, etc - is that there is no need to rock the boat, so they suppress stories/ideas that are too provocative. Even though stories of conflict are always the most entertaining. You can take any two celebrities, or politicians, or institutions, or whatever and put FEUD between them and the story is immediately compelling. Reality shows have prospered because they know how to showcase conflict. But somehow in our day-to-day conflict still comes off as a monster. I say conflict needs a new PR person.

Because conflict isn't bad, but how we handle it is sometimes questionable. Thus when we want to break off a relationship with someone we have to decide if we can handle honest communication or, more likely, revert to evasive "slow fade" techniques.

But the slow fade is dishonest. And pain is not what conflict and beef is about. Conflict is about the aftermath. What screenwriters might call the "inciting incident" doesn’t matter. Conflict makes one aware that honesty is a means to an end. It does not exist in and of itself. You have your truth, and I have mine, and it works on behalf of our own agenda.

Hmmm, I feel I'm starting to push the envelope for digestible length in a blog-post.


The point is if we acknowledge quibbles, debates, disagreements, wars, [a]war[d]s(?), politics, sports, and silent treatments as key ingredients to a healthy and happy life, then ....

I don't know. But knowing is half the battle. And sharing is caring.

Oh and also, we examine something we hold to be true, challenge it, and find something truer. This is how we learn. And in that process is the passage of real time. In the challenge. And without the challenge, the conflict, time stands still.

Just Like Me (audio)

Have to clear space on the D-12, so some of these rough freestyles go on the blizzog.

MP3 File

send this one to my mama
and don dada
they encased my mind in permanent drama
so I bring the game kormma
that’s reason for pause
whether you — fighting for peace
or kneel at a cross
if you — married to god
or need a divorce
if you — don’t give a fuck
or bleed for the cause
if you - check if they clean
by sniffing your drawers
if you - have AIDS
just got a sniffle or cough …
I change gears
spill that blood on cashmere
y'all talk "tomorrow"
don’t know I kicked that last year
from the big city
there’s only first or last here
and Blue Room
we trying to plant the staff here
don’t mean a flag
I mean the whole bag
a philandering Dad
wife on a rag
kid that talks back
plus a Mexican to take out the trash
I’m so fast
better get your hands on the dash
or risk whiplash
from the crash of pens and pads
lights flash
I make beats bend and sag
(by now you really must know the dilly
my rhymes rock mags, pop wheelies)
stop and listen
it’s time for that mind nutrition
brought it from the Bx
to the Pomfret griffin
nonfiction –
mind drifting
reminiscing on Bam in the kitchen …

slick speaker
I make ni**as switch speakers
my flows demand Bose
like heroes demand foes
and shows demand prose
that goes beyond good and evil
yo, we squeezing camels in needles
for people who fear the gap
I rap like Evil knievel
my art a means to an end
I don’t believe in the end
seasons change
but never come to an end
I live life like a reed
with no reason to bend
head of a bull
heart of an ox
sometimes dumb as a mule
sometimes sly as a fox
sometimes I enjoy the ride
sometimes I wish it would stop
sometimes I think homophobes
are just in love with their pops
the awkward silence
I invited
people fight it
but I’m driving
so you’re riding
first sin
yo this pride
I gotta try it
gotta buy it
fatten my brain
put my body on a diet
makes sense …
the vision nascent …

Monday, October 02, 2006

This Week On TAN ...

I think I'm going to start previewing content for the week on Sunday or Monday. This will keep me focused on a few things for each week, instead of my mind drifting everywhichway as is the norm. It also gives me a post when I don't have said content prepared for Sun. or Mon.

Things might be added along the way, but here are the main entrees on tap this week:

The Quest For Conflict - scoreboard dating, direct termination vs. the slow fade, time as the erosion of false truths (what?!!?) — all [linkable] parts of our quest for conflict.

Serial Monogamist/Dater's Head Explodes From Suppressed Flatus - It's tough having to hold in that gas all the time isn't it? This man pays the price, but lives to tell about it.

The Year In TAN - I passed my one-year anniversary recently, and it's been an interesting journey. In the past year+ I've gone from panhandling on the streets of New York, to panhandling on the streets of New York AND having a blog. Craaaaazy.

Black. White. DVD Review - I was sent the DVD of this reality show to check out. I've seen the first couple episodes and it's providing plenty of fodder. Though analysis will likely have to wait until next week if I end up in the mix for this (and hollas go out to pumpkinhead et al. who mentioned my name in the comment boxes)

Of course sex in October begins this week, courtesy of the MLB playoffs, so we'll certainly have something to say about that.

And with the Giants back on schedule, NFL picks will resume for Week 5.

You may now exhale.

(and CHALLAH! to all my YK peeps out there)
Related Posts with Thumbnails