When You Said You Were Getting Your Nails Did I Was Not Expecting The Finger Apocalypse

via The Daily Beast and Hairpin, and I can only presume in cahoots with the curators at the Museum of Modern Barbershop Art, comes THE CRAZIEST EXPERIMENTS IN GETTING YOUR NAILS DID EVER:

These are my favorite. Knives for fingernails! You've got something in your eye, let me get it for you...

and for the sneaker head in your life...

"a new book, Nailed: The History of Nail Culture and Dzine, is a 232-page exploration into the underground world of nail culture." Not for everyone, but ok. cool. Might be a fun gift, or warning.

TAN Guilty Pleasure Guide

so i write down things all the time. and sometimes you do it with no annotations or clues. sometimes you have some of the clue but not all of it.

all to say, i recently came across this and was bemused....

Guide To Guilty Pleasures

A: Anything From the 80s, ass, alternative porn, **award shows for black people

B: being racist, *blaming the condom, biz markee, buying from crackheads

C: Cosby, *Cuba Gooding Jr (hating on), **cumming too soon, [candy] cereals

D: *Diary/Email reading, other people's

The Assimilated Piano

They're calling it "the fluid piano"; I'll just call it a "culturally assimilated piano", since that's longer and more cumbersome to say or write. In either case, here we have an instrument of art that dares to step outside of its western music roots/tradition like artists themselves occasionally do. how fancy!



Pretty awesome. I mean hip hop/electronic music producers etc. have been doing this for a while through sampling, keyboards etc, but this seems like a serious breakthrough with all the never-seen-before tuning/modulating options now on the instrument itself.

if kanye gets wind of this it might be the piece that finally lets him be great. we could also call it the Lady Gaga of pianos. or maybe the tiger woods of steinways since it's kinda-sorta cheating on the plain ol' regular notes. or maybe the michael jackson of [piano instrument] for reinventing how black-white notes sound when children play with it ...(?) hmm, that last one is a little off-tune but you know what i mean if you think about it. right? RIGHT???

If Obama Is The Joker, Who Is Batman?

The couple of posts I've seen with these Obama-as-Joker "socialist" pics all say the same thing: it's a striking image, that's making it way around not only on the internet, but in The Real World (so much as Los Angeles can be called The Real World), but no one knows or has any sense of what it means.

And to that I add: Ditto.




via: American Thinker, NRO

If It Looks Like a Duck, And Quacks Like a Duck, Then Maybe It Has a Spiraling Maze-Like Vagina

Sometimes you come across things on the internet and you're like, how did this not result in an intergalactic media extravaganza, the likes of which a leaked Michael Jackson-Sarah Palin sex tape could only hope to muster, ... or at least land a Time magazine cover story or something:

Female ducks have evolved "maze-like" genitals with many twists, pouches and dead ends, in a bid to prevent rape and retain control of who fathers their offspring – while male ducks have evolved equally convoluted penises to keep up.

OK then!

You win everything, ducks. Congratulations.

Duck genitals locked in arms race [Cosmos]

image: via

How To Get Negros, or Anyone for that Matter, Out the Hood

I never posted pics from Costa Rica. Think I've been saving to figure out some "TAN Guide to ..." packaging. But I'm pretty sure the highlight would be the iphone snapshots of this feller:




Can't help but think that if you saw one of these pop out of some crack in your crib, in the projects (or whatever impoverished urban city-complex thingamajiggy you live in) you would most assuredly be living on Park Avenue (or whatever upscale urban location presumed to not have jurassic-era insects) by the next day. New job, new attitude, new everything. Want to pick up the productivity and economy? Make some advanced wolverine-caliber roaches. Problem solved.

And Here's the Pitch for 'Jeggings'...

hmmm, looks like three strikes and YOU'RE OUT, "JEGGINGS".

The Ten Tat Commandments

Five of which are on gawker this weekend.

What's going on with this particular tattoo? Might have to get Negropedia Brown to investigate this one.



And speaking of the old testament, how did they never do a video for Ten Crack Commandments? That was a missed opportunity.

this song contains multitudes. And I revel in any chance to play it.



Anybig, here's Oprah with dumbbells on someone's belly forever.

The Ridiculously Priced Table Collection, by Ralph Lauren

Just in time for spring, and the recession.

Tables designed by Ralph ...
Pricing inspired by Retarded ...
the status is yours to keep....

we present the so-ridiculously-priced-you-have-to-blog-about-it table collection, by that most trusted name in aspirational American assimilation....

Our first item, we have a slab of brown wood over this-better-not-be-aluminum-we-payed-too-much-for-it-dahling. Lamp, reading material not included. Price: $17,000

Next up, for our young starter-home bargain-shoppers, we have your grandmother's dining room table. Just as you remember it, fresh and gleaming after a recent Pledge™ job. Price: $14,085

Finally, we have glass -- that's right, glass! -- over those hopefully-not-so-aluminum sawhorse legs you saw earlier. Redundancy is an underrated feature in a collection like this. Price: $16,395

Racism Can Turn Black People Into Toothpaste

I'm someone who finds the straightforward in-your-face racism boring, and quite frankly, offensive. Yeah, it's the bizarro racism that really turns my melanin burgundy. To wit this commercial for an herbal toothpaste:



1. little white (copy updates w/ probably Asian) girl needs big black dude to monkey-climb the post for her balloon. honestly, I wouldn't flinch myself, but the black people-monkey allusions are still dangerously touchy territory in 2009 for anyone to be toying with in an ad campaign.

2. Making sure if you thought the gorilla climbing the tree was inadvertent racism, we have the crazy mother scooping her child up because a black guy in a tanktop and shorts just climbed 500 feet to retrieve her daughter's balloon ...???

3. Then with 20 seconds remaining in the clip, our poor balloon-fetcher returns to what appears to be his one-bedroom apartment in a suburbanish housing complex, where we find out he retrieves balloons and scares moms regularly, sleeps on a giant toothbrush, and turns into -- i'm guessing here -- herbal toothpaste. Ahh yes, makes me want to get those cavities out right now!

So i have no idea why, and i'm all a fan of going outside the box or whathaveyou, but this racist Donnie Darko-meets-Colgate approach to advertising just seems a little off the mark for me. But maybe this is what you need to do these days to get the kids to brush their teeth.

via: copyranter

The McNugget Bailout Plan: This Is An Emergency!

Late last year when this is-it-parody-or-is-it-racism McDonald's commercial came out, I thought the one thing you could say for sure was the ridiculous riff about "stealing someone's ten-piece" McNuggets was patently absurd. No one gets that hopped over McNuggets, right?

But 'gro and behold, just when you think you can't stereotype black folk as McDonald's crack addicts no more a Florida woman goes and calls EMERGENCY 9-1-1 THREE TIMES because they ran out of chicken mcnuggets:

A police report says 27-year-old Fort Pierce resident Latreasa L. Goodman told authorities she paid for a 10-piece last week but was later informed the restaurant had run out.

She says she was refused a refund and told all sales were final. A cashier told police she offered Goodman a larger portion of different food for the same price, but Goodman became irate.

"This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one," Goodman told police, according to The Stuart News. "This is an emergency."

So I join NY Mag's Vulture blog in declaring that the media should be focused on this woman (her name just HAD to be "Latreasa") instead of another octo-mom story.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Previously Related:
McDonald's: We Feed Black People!
McDonald's: We Advertise To Black People!

image: via

Is There An EthnoCultural Bond For People Who Do Ridiculously X-Treme Sports?

So there's a trope of black-people comedy that is premised on white people being the nosy/adventurous/risk-takers. They get killed in the horror movie for snooping around unnecessarily in the dark cave. They're the ones snooty and stuck up enough to disregard the Amityville ghost telling them to vacate the house immediately. And they're usually the only race you see pushing the physical limits of our bodies by being [too] high on a mountain, or [too] deep in some ocean trying to reason with a shark or somesuch. Everyone else plays it smart safe. Especially black folk who, as the jokes go, have enough of an X-treme lifestyle just trying to come up in America (can I get an amen?).

Now we know this is a broad generalization, but there seems to be some truth to it. And I submit this "holy moly" video (this was the adjective used in the subject when it was sent to me) as the latest example, or maybe more appropriately, latest test of this theory. Because seriously, are there any black people "having fun" like this? I certainly don't see any in this video:


wingsuit base jumping from Ali on Vimeo.

See, now those guys look like fun, and they probably have all sort of multicultural friends, and I'm sure they sent them all the evite for "Death Jump 2009...in Norway" and I suspect everyone passed except for the other crazy caucasians. Maybe I should ask Christian about this....

But how awesome and shocking would it be to see a bunch of young 20-somethings from Harlem in this video? Maybe that's the next stage in the assimilation revolution. First we can vote, then we can vote in a Black president, and now we can vote to poop our pants in mid-air! Yes we can!!

Seriously, seriously though, consider this a request: if you're black and think you might be doing something along these lines soon, contact me so i can interview you then freeze you in a cryogenic chamber for genetic study.