Saturday, June 30, 2007

Tonight We Eat Eagle!

Bald Eagle No Longer On Endangered Species [Discovery]

Alternative Headline:
Bald Eagle Not Endangered, Still Insecure About Hair Loss

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Beware of the Pigeons

What do you think about pigeons?

I'm very suspicious of them. It's like, what are they here for really?

They run in packs, but yet they act totally independent. They want to eat, shit, and piss wherever. But then they always come begging for food. It's like they're permanent bird-teenagers.

But I have a theory on pigeons. I think they're roving spy-cameras for the government.

This isn't a passing notion here. I've had this thought for years. My body is now conditioned to physically respond to pigeons as if they're roving spy-cameras for the government. When they're around I act as if someone's watching me.

Here's an example:

Say I'm at home by myself. And I get a little urge to rub one out (y'know, I'm watching NY1 or something).

Of course the beauty of living alone is you can do whatever you want, wherever you want.

So I get into it, and what invariably happens halfway into the session is a pigeon will fly up on my windowsill and start peering into the apartment.

(This may actually be how the pigeon-cam theory started because I just don't understand a pigeon flying on to the windowsill while you're openly masturbating and not flying away. AND THEY DO IT ALL THE TIME!

Plus, they're not acting like whimsical pigeons with little brains who can't focus on anything. They always seem to "take notice" and look directly at you. And by you I mean me. )

Of course once you're into a session, no man is to be denied. So I eventually tune them out and continue raping myself. But just so the government agents who monitor the footage know that I'm on to them, I usually give the pigeon some sort of wink or acknowledgment. I just don't like anyone to think they have something on me. And when the government eventually calls me in, and plays me back hours and hours of masturbation footage, I'm going to say, "whatever dorks, I knew you were watching all along." And right then, at the moment when I should feel most embarrassed, I'm going to feel the most pride.

Triumph at the Tony's

Triumph is one of the greatest things man has ever created. And he was on his game for the Tony's.
(via cajun boy)

And just so we have them collected:
Triumph vs. Star Wars - Robert Smigel, creator of Triumph, said he thought this was the greatest 10 minutes of television in the past twenty years or so.
Robert Smigel NPR Interview - Where he makes the claim above. Triumph also appears and asks, "are these the same questions you asked Kermit The Frog?" amongst other things.
Triumph Does Weather For Local Hawaii News Channel
- another quality clip

It's A Black Man's Game

So silly. But this 12 seconds of racism really works for me:

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

SoHo Knows: Are You Getting An iPhone?

The iphone is coming! The iphone is coming!! Lock your doors. Stock up on water and canned goods. The iphone is coming!!!

First Responders [Gawker]

The Quest For Claire Huxtable

Does the title not say it all? Are there any black guys who don't immediately know what I'm talking about? Are there any people who are unfamiliar with this aspect of the post-80s human condition?

If you're of the Huxtable generation -- which I'd say is anyone who tuned in when The Cosby Show reigned over the earth -- then you know the power of Claire. A few years ago, she was voted best tv mom (not a great picture there, but we know that second chin is made of love.)

There are middle-aged white mothers having nightmares about her gold standard.

And every night millions of TANs go to bed dreaming they will someday run into their own.

Here's how I came upon the Claire Huxtable epiphany:

After dating a string of caucasian ladies through this very site, I started seeing a black girl. And quite frankly, it opened up a whole can of whoop-ass on my dome. After years of reprogramming in prep school and college, I didn't realize how out of touch I was with the delicious taboo of black-on-black crime love like. (Plus the girl was going to Harvard for grad school, so I could imagine her becoming a Doctor or Lawyer, and I could be a, um, Prolific Blogger. And she'd buy me a laptop for Xmas. And I'd buy her Monopoly and teach her a valuable lesson about economics and savings. On my blog. It would be perfect!)

Soon everywhere I looked I was seeing little Rudys and Theos walking around being bratty and dealing with very solvable life issues. I purchased a three-cushion sofa and conducted all my affairs on it, or in the kitchen. And I even made her some of TAN's Special Homemade Chili. But alas, the theme song never played.

I've since acquired some perspective, and reverted back to my ritual of weekly sacrifice to the gods of white women for date prospecting (every Sunday I prick my finger and feed the blood to a Coach bag that lives in my closet). And while I still cling to Claire, being of a different race isn't a dealbreaker for me (little Lisa Bonets running around can work also). I might equate intra-racial dating with a Tivo level of importance. It can play a big role in my life, but it's not what I would call an "apocalyptic-necessity." It's a nice luxury item. It can make things easier. It brings a certain sense of smoothness and efficiency. There's less to think about. But you certainly don't NEED it.

(although many folks swear by their tivo, soooo, I guess that works also...)

This is all to say that the links above, and my own story make a case that Claire Huxtable, the perfect professional black woman, transcends race. And maybe white (or other non-black) guys quest for her as well? I know we don't want to give her up, but I honestly can't think of a more iconic wife/mother-figure for any race.

It may be that Mrs. Huxtable also transcends generations. There aren't any contemporary Claire Huxtables out there. What mother is hot right now? Carmela Soprano? In the "best tv-mom" contest that Claire won, Marge Simpson came in third. And as far as the strong-black-woman type, they either have too much focus on their career, or too much forehead ... or both!

So if she transcends everything, I wonder: Is Claire Huxtable a ghost? Should I give up the dream? Is she dead? Like God? And hip hop? Must all our heroes perish never to be born again?

(maybe she died and was reborn as Rudy?? That would be hot!)

Where are you Claire? I need you to shush me. And to snatch those fattening hoagies out of my mouth. And to raise our children with sound morals and integrity. And to raise your eyebrow in that PG13-sexy kind of way.

Where are you? Are you out on the town right now, dancing to Umbrella? I can't imagine it, but maybe ... be ... be?

Well if you're out there, Claire, please come quick. This chili is getting cold, and they don't take Monopoly money at the corner bodega.

Claire Huxtable T-Shirts? [I Want A Claire Huxtable]
Or Here? [Shad myspace]

Monday, June 25, 2007

Dear TAN: I Hate Black People

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions/letters to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com.

In this edition: Hate Mail!

Dear TAN,

Just read you Google Blog Page of the same name as your EMAIL Address.

Boy - did that ever open my eyes up, and confirm everything I ever though was true about the black race - but just wasn't completely sure


1. That after 5000 years of existence, the black race has accomplished absolutely ZERO. Africa still sells slaves to their own kind. And the current generation in America (which were never slaves) still bitch about 400 years ago. All this while their real fore-fathers in Africa are in a Living Hell. I don't see a massive relief effort in place by the Black Population of the USA to help. Too busy Rappin', Raping, Killing and Stealing.

2. By the way, the City that you consider your "Jewell of the South" -- New Orleans -- is getting back to normal. So at least you can be proud of that. Before Katrina, the Murder Rate was only 9 times more than New York. You will be happy to know that with only 1/2 the population there -- it has jumped to 12 times the Murder Rate of New York. Now that's what I call progress!! All of this while most of the black population is laid up in free hotels, waiting for the white man to rebuild his home -- that he was either too stupid to buy insurance for, too lazy to buy insurance for, or drank and gambled his insurance payment away. Don't see a mad rush of Black Volunteers from the USA helping. Only Bitching. Or rappin', or raping, or stealing, or killing. As usual.

3. Name me one REAL intelligent invention created by the Black Man. Maybe the Phone, the Train, the Plane, the Car, Electricity, Internet, the Light Bulb, a Cigarette Lighter, the Pen, the Pencil, the Baby Diaper, --do I need to go on for page after page. You haven't contributed ANYTHING to this Country or this Society. NOTTA!! My bad -- you have given us the following:

--The Boom Box
--Pigs Feet
--Full Jails
--Murders a Plenty
--Rapings a Plenty
--Robbings a Plenty
--Laziness a Plenty
--Sucking off the Government a Plenty
--Useless Rap Music that Poisons all Kids
--An NBA no one watches or cares about anymore
--Using your Race Card everytime you commit a crime
--Not policing up your own filthy streets from trash and crime.
--Talking like Animals. No one can understand your new Rap Language
--Acting Like Animals when you go overseas to embarrass this Country
--Sports Goof Steven A. Smith. Sounds like he has a 3d Grade Education
--Terrell Owens and Randy Moss. Talk about Class-Less Animals
--Louis Farrakan Worthless
--Jesse Jackson Worthless
--Al Sharpton Worthless
--Pac Man Jones Worthless
--O.J. Simpson Worthless x 10
--Crack Cocaine Dealers
--Children Carrying Machine Guns and Pistols
--Streets full of Beggars and Muggers
--Racism on your part against Mexicans, who actually want to earn thier check
--Homosexual Men at twice the rate of other Races
--Destroyed and Looted and Run-Down Cities Nationwide
--A Different Pagan Religion and Holiday -- KWAANZA. What a waste of time

4. Millions of children who don't have Fathers. Most of them because their mothers have slept with dozens of men to support their drug habit -- and they have no clue who their Father is. Ends up being mine and Uncle Sam's. What's the chances you Black Women can close your legs long enough to get a job to support a child that you actually PLAN?? My guess - ZERO.

5. Barak Obama. A devout Muslim running for President while we are fighting the Muslims in War. And Blacks World-Wide love him. Say what?? How friggin' stupid can you blacks be supporting a Muslim when their main mission is to destroy the United States and Israel. That means they WILL chop your worthless heads off too!! Man you dudes are ignorant. Will you ever wake up from your 5000 year sleep?

6. You Black Americans have it better than ANY other Blacks on the planet. Especially the real Africans (hint - not you). You don't live in Africa. So how can you be African-American? They earn about a Nickel a Day at best. You spend 5$ a day on the Lottery and $10 a day on Booze. When you gonna' help your fellow man in Africa. Until you do - I am sick of you even mentioning the word Africa. You can't fool anybody - you worthless, lazy slugs.

7. IN CLOSING -- It has become Crystal Clear to me now. When Cain killed Abel - God put a Curse AND a Mark on him - and shipped him off to the wilderness. The Curse was explained:

--You will toil all your life, but never have enough to eat. Your ground will be hard and you will struggle every generation without end Hungry and Thirsty.

--The Mark was not explained until now. It is the BLACK RACE. What other race produces nothing but Killing and Murder. Makes no meaningful contribution to Society. Always wants what someone else has - for free. That is the EXACT description of Cain in the Book of Genesis. And that is the EXACT description of the Black Race.

8. Thank you for opening my eyes!!


Sunday, June 24, 2007

On Thursdays We Grab Titties

So girly-blog Jezebel has this post announcing that holla season is back (ladies of the 'Bel: do check out my boy VK, he's the proprietor of a popular DC blog that has much entertaining prose on "the dark art of the holla." Fellas should check him out also (nullus).).

The source material comes from Kimberly Klinger, racist, who has been keeping some sort of cat-call spreadsheet in the interest of launching a two-part attack on the neighborhood heterosexual immigrants who harass her with come-ons once or twice a week. First Kimberly confesses she's a racist (agh, aren't we all sista-girl?), and explains why sexism trumps racism in her Court of Minority Offenses. Her dilemma: Kimberly went to college, so she knows she shouldn't hate brown (excluding the hunky UPS guy of course), but what's a pretty white girl to do in the face of such aggressive misogyny? Just lay out her vagine in a chalupa or bucket of fried chicken? In part two of Kimberly's Mein Kampf she lays down the gauntlet and shares her Top 15 Hollas, so that we can get a little glimpse into her personal Holla-Hell (hella?).

Now before we commence with the tarring and feathering, I should say I agree with Klinger about sexism trumping racism, or as I like to say at cocktail parties: "the penis is mightier than the skin." Sex, and the reproductive drive, is a stronger impulse than racism. Just ask any lion on the street, he'll tell you.

But Klinger's fretting over her racism comes off as disingenuous. For example, look at some of these excerpts from her Holla Diaries:

"A short, 30-something man walks toward me, moves closer, and blatantly looks me up and down. He sucks his breath through his teeth and utters “sexy.” Really? I kind of smell

Walking in rain on street, jeans, coat, hat, etc. Some guy sticks his face almost totally under my umbrella to say, “Hello, sweetie.” Gross. It’s 9 a.m.!

Dec. 30, 2006
Late night, walking from car to apartment: From across street, from a guy getting out of his car, hear grunts, kissy noise, and the popular low-pitched “beauuuutiful.” I have on jeans, sneaks, puffy winter coat. Puffy winter coat.

Jan. 2, 2007
Walking from bus to apartment: Jackass standing at parking meters, calls out, “Hey sweetie,” as I walk by.

(these two I included the dates on to point out: it's holiday season, lighten up mami!)

Also, is about my dad’s age. Gross."

Don't these sound weird? I think it's because she chooses to provide these odd details about her holla worthiness (i.e. "I look a total wreck"). But to notice when she's sweaty, or wearing a puffy coat, or thinking about her father totally misses the point. It's like she's being sexist about the sexism. If she were dolled up in a dress, would she then smile and say, "that's right, I'm working it tonight!" No one cares what her outfit is. Everyone gets holla'd at, and she knows this, but apparently her diary doesn't. Meanwhile all the approachers are generic "guys" (but we know what kind of guys they are *wink, wink, hiss, hiss*).

Then she drops this one:

"The armchair sociologist in me knows it's all about power"

Uh, wrong. Your armchair sociologist needs to get off the couch and go talk to some of them thar ethnics. If anything, those who would cat-call on the street lack power. These aren't f'ing gorillas on the discovery channel sparring for a mate. More often than not, these are guys hanging out cause they got nothing better to do. This is a citified version of fishing. Just casting out the net and seeing what gets stuck. Maybe have some beers while you do it. You don't need a sociology degree to know this (congrats on that, btw!). Just pop your head out of your ass for ten seconds. They're just saying hello (and also letting you know that if you wanted to have sex or something they wouldn't necessarily disapprove).

Well, I guess I would if I weren't feeling annoyed, threatened, and scared. The tone of most harassment is very hostile. Sometimes it escalates to full-on yelling. I've been grabbed and groped.

I'd like to see Kimberly tell me this part face-to-face, so I could see her avert her eyes and look down to the left (is it down-left or down-right? not sure if she's lying or recalling some memory of the ocean). Anyrape, I find this hard to swallow from a girl who's been tracking all her cat-calls for six months. So are the rapes noted in the holladex also? I mean, I'm sorry, but I just don't believe it. You can't casually throw in "grabbing and groping" like we (society) just find that acceptable these days. From minorities no less. When the Puerto Ricans have their National Grope Day Parade in NYC, guess what? There are arrests made. In record numbers. I've never heard a girl say, "oh, watch out for 125th street today, apparently on Thursdays they be grabbin' titties." Come on, that's assault. People don't do that. Even the negroes and papi-chulos. The average minority on the street is not trying to see no policeman. Period. They may walk within an inch of your body, but they are conscious of that inch. That's part of the artistry.

Meanwhile I bet KK (leave off the last K for "Krazee!") is all smiles and giggles at the office when the button-down frat-boys compliment her "skirt and boots."

The only thing I can come up with is to make people aware of it. Many times, when I tell a male friend what's up, he looks at me in amazement, and says, "I had no idea it was that bad." Well, guess what, dude? It is.

Yeah, and guess what, girl? You're a racist bitch cutie-pie.

Don't keep a diary of your racism and bother your male (white?) friends with it. Just rent West Side Story and get over yourself.

(oh, and also pick-up last month's Penthouse)


Diary of a Cat-Call Hater [ Washington City Paper]
Holler of Fame [Jezebel]

Friday, June 22, 2007

SoHo Knows: Mike Bloomberg For President?

New York's been buzzing about whether Mike Bloomberg should run for President. But what about the Black Panther Party? And antiquity?? And G-strings??? This week's First Responders connects all those dots and more:

(click image for video)

First Responders [Gawker]

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The 50 Cent Vitamin Water Commercial

So here's the relatively new Vitaminwater commercial featuring 50 Cent:

Vitaminwater is on the cutting edge of youth-voice marketing. Off the top of my head I can't think of a brand, beside Apple, that has so effectively used the power of "cool" advertising/marketing. Glaceau (maker of Vitaminwater) recently sold to Coca Cola for 4+ billion dollars, demonstrating the power of funny, cutesy blurbs and a good name. But now they're doing television commercials. And this one with 50 Cent has a clear TAN sensibility. So what do we think?

Concept: 50 Cent plays orchestra conductor for the National Symphony.

The basic premise here strikes me as surprisingly dated for Vitaminwater. The hip hop street rapper in the contrasting upscale, classical environs has been mined to the point of cliche. That said, this criticism is with the traditional young, hip Vitaminwater demo in mind. If they now have their eye on expanding out of that market, these basic "assimilated negro" setups still play with the slightly older thirty/forty-something set.

The execution follows the same logic, with no real twist or unexpected angle on the setup, like, for example, the spot with Kelly Clarkson. I suspect this is the commercial 50 Cent would approve of, and maybe even direct. Most rappers act like they're cutting edge, because hip hop used to automatically classify you as such, but really they're all safe and boring (like TAN!). The lines where the announcers take a slight pause and inform us that Curtis Jackson is also known as 50 Cent, and the bit about Beethoven being a "true OG," those lines aren't for the kids. The kids know who 50 Cent is, and me and my TAN peeps were running "Nietzsche/Socrates/Mozart are friggin' gangsta" jokes back in the prep school days, so those can't be used as punchlines so many years later. Swapping out the viola is a fun little accent that's well played, but again, nothing new there.

50 Cent has a handful of popular recognizable songs at this point. And "In The Club" is likely the most popular and recognizable. I wonder if Glaceau had to pay extra for the song rights, or if that's all in their deal with 50. The song makes the commercial, it's cool how a few bars of that song capsulizes so much of the urban-cool ethos. So valuable, and so worth it.

Anywater, we're running out of time here. I like the commercial, it's better than most. But for Vitaminwater, a brand I've come to expect envelope-pushing creativity from, I'm a little disappointed.

Of course I may just be biased since I have a little history with 50 Cent, Vitaminwater, and Formula 5-0.

What's The Formula Yo? (audio) [TAN]

Monday, June 18, 2007

McDonald's: The Black People Plumper

Alternative Titles:

McDonald's: The Official Fattener Of African-Americans

McDonald’s: For All Your Negro Catering Needs

McDonald’s: “We Feed Black People”

Granted I don't watch much tv, or pay much attention to McDonald's commercials when I do, but I haven’t seen a McDonald’s commercial that was targeted for white people in like twenty years. This begs me to ask two questions:.

1 – How the hell is McDonald’s so ubiquitous if only black people eat there?

2 – I’ve always thought McDonald’s ads sucked, but maybe they’re actually incredibly good?

3 – Are black people the tipping point for mainstream corporate success?

Ok, so I'm not good with counting questions or chicken mcnuggets, and of course it’s not only black people eating at McDonald’s. Everyone goes there (though I must say my Asian sensors are usually pretty quiet whenever I visit). But McDonald's definitely seems to have a "black division" that's all about sustaining their domination in the negroes-gotta-eat-too sector.

And I know this isn't breaking news. Amongst others, The Postshow boys, including First Responders heckler Alex Blagg, have a great parody on McDonald's racist marketing. So certainly the secret is out.

But it is telling that such blatant racism, or racializing if you prefer, is not only accepted, but is so effective at the mainstream level. My takeaway: In America, racism is part of your bottom line whether you like it or not.

It's also interesting that McDonald's is this infinite reservoir of subtextual racism — from the negroes behind the counter, to the negroes in front of the counter, to the caucasians in corporate who rely on both of them to keep the stock skyhigh — but the surface reality is one of a racial utopia. Black, whites, and others all getting fat and lovin' it together. There's never any beef or racial drama in McDonald's.

When I'm in McDonald's I'm almost tempted to say they can't be racist, look at how they've united everyone via the power of transfats. But then I see an ad and everything smells McFishy to me.

Friday, June 15, 2007

SoHo Knows: Man Boobs

If the NY Times is profiling the Man Boob epidemic, then you know the First Responders are on the case. Well, actually you don't necessarily know that. But we are!
(click image for video)

First Responders

Girls Who Like Boys Who Have Boobs Like They're Girls
Does Jay-Z Have Man Boobs? [Two Girl and a Gay]

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I Now Pronounce You TAN & Jessica Biel's Ass

I saw the trailer for I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry last weekend, and I really think Jessica Biel's ass may be the next big thing in movie marketing. Her sh*t sells tickets. After seeing the trailer I had to stand up and clap. And cry. Cry the beloved freedom. I like Kevin James and Adam Sandler, but I wasn't planning on seeing this film. Now I am. If her ass doesn't win a Golden Globe I'm going to start a riot in South Central LA. F*ck an Oscar, she deserves the Nobel Peace Prize, or the MacArthur award. Her ass is genius!

This trailer is nothing until the 2:05 mark, then it will change your life forever.

I'm considering undergoing the Clockwork Orange treatment with that :15 seconds-of-heaven clip on constant repeat. I'm curious what will become of me. Whatever happens, I know I'll be happy.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Common: Heat

On the okay boards, found this old video Common did on his own for "Heat" off the Like Water For Chocolate album (which I'd submit as his best album). This wasn't a label-funded video, apparently Com and his peeps did it themselves for about $5K and put it on the pre-youtube internet. Hot Sh*t.

Common: The Game

Common's first video for his new album Finding Forever recently came out. It's the second single off the album. There's some other tracks from the album available for download on kanye talk.

Pharoahe Monch: Body Baby

TAN pimping of Pharoahe Monch continues. "Body Baby" is one of my favorite songs off his new album. Here's the video:

Monday, June 11, 2007

An Open Letter To Victims of My Lateness (Lateees)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Look, I’m sorry I’m sending this letter a little late. Heaven knows I’ve been late to just about everything in my life, so it’s not for lack of opportunity. But I think the reason for this letter’s lateness is similar to the justification for other latenesses. That is to say, I have an excuse.

I know, I know. No excuses! But if you think about it, life is an excuse. That is to say, life is a reason. Or, everything has a reason. You know? Everything has an excuse. If life sucks, if anything sucks, there’s always a reason, or an excuse. It’s like life equals excuse divided by reason squared. L=E/r2

Hmmm ....

What I'm trying to say is: I’m late because I care. I'm late because I value every minute. Yours, mine, and everyone we know.

(unless I'm late to a movie, in which case I'm late because movies start so damn late now. Have you noticed this?? It’s like 20 friggin’ minutes of trailers now. And they all suck.)

Hmmmm ...

Maybe if I deconstruct my lateness that could help:

See, when I have to go somewhere I tell my brain, “I have to be at so and so place, at such and such time."

And my brain, a particularly inquisitive brain, then says, “Why so and so? And while we’re here chatting, why such and such?"

Hmmm ... actually scratch that thought.

If you suspected you could die any minute, how would you live your life? I submit you would be constantly late. Because wouldn't you rather soak in the moment than fuss over temporal technicalities?

I know, my dear lateee, that this can be annoying. But it does balance out, and can even work in your favor sometimes. Because once I am in the moment with you, now you are the recipient of my undivided "die anytime" attention. All your precious words and ideas will be pored over, churned in my brain until your every expression is like the product of something that does a lot of churning (butter, for example!). You may even feel like a god.

Hmmm ...

Well honestly I'd love to say more, but I gotta end this. I'm running late for a meeting, and have some deadlines I'm behind on.

But next time, it's me and you.

Tardily yours,

Friday, June 08, 2007

SoHo Knows: Paris Is Free!

Paris Hilton got out of jail yesterday. But Richard and I are still imprisoned in the cell known as Crosby Street:
(click image for video)

First Responders [Gawker]

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sex: A Story in Three Dates

Ever wonder why it typically takes three dates to get it? It's because the road to sex is a narrative unto itself, and thusly incorporates the traditional three act structure of storytelling:

Act I

We start with our opening. On a FIRST DATE we establish the main characters of the story. Most productions of "Sex" have only two characters, unless we're experiencing a popular offshoot called THE LOVE TRIANGLE, or the indie-alternative ORGY.

In establishing our characters the basic reconnaissance should reveal things like: name, age, what you do for fun, what you do for boredom, favorite books/movies/music, positions on celebrity/pop culture, are you smarter than a 5th grader, etc. Once the information has been received for processing, the characters will now begin to evaluate their feelings about each other based on this basic outline.

At some point during the opening someone needs to do something out of sort. In screenplay writing this is called the INCITING INCIDENT. It leads to the second act. If you don't get this inciting incident you don't have a story. Instead you have a sucky first date and no follow-up. Either character can spark the inciting incident, but traditionally the male character will do something that puts himself on the line. The cliché (and TAN favorite!) means of doing this is to make some sexually provocative remark. This comment will necessitate a prompt response from the other character creating an incident or dialogue that leads us into the second act.


We now have an inciting incident, and with the basic outline of the characters in place we can now establish a DYNAMIC STORYLINE. An original phrase I just concocted, the dynamic storyline begins when both characters have finished PRELIMINARY JUDGINGS and established the balance of power. This is usually determined soon after the inciting incident, i.e. the guy stumbles and now the girl is in command, or the guy nails it and now the female is playing catch-up. The bulk of the second act is created by this balance of power swinging back-and-forth. The more swings, the more dynamic, the better the story, the more compelling the relationship. This all has to be done within the confines of the characters we've established (i.e. that nerdy pansy-ass white guy can't up and change into a cool assimilated negro on a whim) The second act can be of varying lengths, but it usually represents the bulk of the narrative.


The third act begins when you have an incident more compelling than the first, that creates a MOMENT OF CHOICE. The choice is whether you’ll be proceeding to sex, or determining the story thus far has been insufficiently entertaining and to be abandoned. Anyone can instigate this moment, but whoever sparks it determines the balance of power leading into the GRAND FINALE.

At this point the story has either been abandoned or will close with EPIC SEX SCENE. This grand finale will either disappoint or have everyone eager to see what happens in the sequel. The sequels can take the form of any genre. You may get a XXX story, where the characters just have sex all the time. Or you may end up with a nice romantic comedy, with dates and love and emotions rising and falling. Those sequels usually suck, but sometimes you hit upon a classic. XXX movies, on the other hand, don't have the same upside, but at least you know you can watch it and get off.

Happy Storytelling!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Dear TAN: Miami, Connecticut, and Reverse Assimilation

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com, and then pray that God will give you more you important things to do in the future.

Dear TAN,

I recently discovered your blog, and unfortunately it has been keeping me from my research and other important activities. So, since you have devoured so much of my valuable time recently, I thought I might as well ask you a few questions....

First off, any plans of coming to Miami? You should perform around here, at UM perhaps. It's nice this time of year.

Next, how could you stand being in Connecticut? That's the worst state of the union! I've written essays on my dislike of that damn state.

And lastly, do you believe the assimilation process can work backwards? See, I happen to be a lighter shade of brown, but I've had a black heterosexual life partner/college roommate for a bit now. I'm pretty sure I've lost some whiteness ever since.

And by the way, just about everything you described in Ghetto Pass holds true here as well, apparently bodega owners work under strict franchise standards... I especially appreciate your work on ghetto pickup artists.... if you could, PLEASE start a trend that men no longer honk/whistle/teeth-suck/grab at girls on the street/whistle/teeth-suck. Because as far as I know, this has never gotten ANYONE ass in all of history. Ever.


Dear G,

I love it when anyone uses the term "life partner." The last time I heard it was via a woman I went out with a couple times, I discovered it also means "husband."

as for your questions:

1. No immediate plans for Miami. But I'd love to go and have friends with friends there ... so you never know!

2. Connecticut is good for being privately educated. And the long lost art of tree-gazing. Finally, it's not far from NY! That makes it once, twice, three times a lady.

3. The assimilation process can definitely go either way. It's kind of like body weight, on any given day you might gain or lose a little blackness/whiteness, but you generally stay in the same zone. (note to self: I need to go on a whiteness diet, STAT!)

As for the trend-starting, it's so out-of-wack to honk, holler and catcall at this point you might actually be able to get over if you do it in an ironic fashion. It's kind of retro and vintage now, no? I mean if the guy is cute you might smile at a good teeth-sucking. Hot guys, like girls, have a lot more leeway with these rules of cool-conduct.

Of course I wouldn't know, I don't merit enough leeway to even FedEx a girl a crisp hundred dollar bill and a subscription to Vogue, let alone hoot at her on the street.

I think I'm gonna need me one of those life partners.


Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Rough Draft: Blogging's The New Rapping

sendup of Jay-Z's "30 Something"...

MP3 File

Yeah …
You ain’t got enough traffic to f with your boy
Intergalactic son
They linking me on mars
Show you how to do this assimilated

yo, blogging’s the new rapping
n I’m so hot now (unnhh)
in the mix…
all my chicks got clout now (unnhh)
better buzz
if I drop sh*t right now
I bet its love
cause I got this net ish locked down
see you need the media
and all these blogs are the ish with media
so if media's not on your block they're online
so get your ass off the block and online
smart enough to know there’s good sites to read
and hot enough so I can get links from ‘em
I got my laptop chromed out so bloggers can’t see me
and I'll punch a n if he put drinks on it
I don’t blog on myspace
I’m talking my space
don’t gotta rhyme on stage to get your mind space
just rock your white face
start talking about something beside your crime rate
i know you like wait
these rhymes ain’t precise
plus its hov’s flow
so he ain’t really that nice
yo, you rap nerds need to chill
bloggin’s the new rapping
N I’m so hot still …

I used to let my hits sag
not giving a f*ck
baby boy now my blog’s grown up
used to email people
when I put sh*t up
baby boy now I'm all grown up

I used to sweat the gawk like that
used to leave comments like that
now I only blog for dough
got columns and such
baby boy cause I'm all grown up

rapping’s the new blogging
TAN still got flows (ohhh)
for all my hot chicks
and nappy headed hoes (nooo)
just kidding
I got respect for those
my prose can rock shows
them girls at okay know
I got more
you think
I think more
but I think
some people think
I’m overthinking the score
I’m a bully with the quotes
don’t let the flat front khaks fool you crackas
i used to smack you up at choate
that was my past
now I’m all grown up
my friends are all Caucasians
all persuasions
whatever you craving
might start an invasion
while I be somewhere eating craisins, blazin’
w/ a hot Puerto asian
catchin’ summer rays ‘n
I even bagged the Mets, cause the sex is amazin’
you bloggers fall back for real
Rapping’s the new blogging I’m so hot still ….

[TAN Audio Room]

Monday, June 04, 2007

Missed Connections: You, Foreign Chick with Balls; Me, Pansy Negro with None m4w

I was working in a Starbucks last night, and there was this fairly cute girl icing me. She was two tables from me, and after playing eyetag over the course of 15-20 minutes I overheard her talking on the phone. She wasn't American, which made her hotter. And after getting off the phone she continued to flash me looks. Even when she departed she stared at me while standing at the corner with her umbrella in the rain. If I would have ran out at that moment and said hello, IT COULD HAVE BEEN CLASSIC. She was totally a foreign chick who'd be down to kiss a guy that struck her fancy in the rain. Unfortunately, I totally pulled a TAN2 and didn't f'ing do anything. I'm sick over it now. All I did was look back at her and give that muted smile us pansy guys do when we're being pansies.

I'm disgusted with the passive aggressive elements of my personality. I detest them. The biggest of allure of foreign chicks (and dudes too probably) is that they are alpha. They don't play games. I don't want to play games. Games are weak. Games are for children. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I flirted like a child. But now I'm a man and it's time to put down childish things.


From here on out I will be the guy running up to the foreign chick in the rain. Yes, I'll be slapped in the face, and yelled at in a language I don't understand. And she'll point out the blemish on my forehead that happens to be leaking sebaceous fluids, something she had previously never seen before ... BUT AT LEAST I'LL BE ALIVE DAMMIT!!!!

Friday, June 01, 2007

SoHo Knows: Lindsay Lohan

First Responders have taken on Bald Britney and Paris Hilton. This week we complete the Holy Trinity and find out what people think about the indomitably buxom, the incorrigibly sultry, the one and only fiery-haired (except when she's a brunette) LiLo LinLo Lindsay Lohan:

First Responders [Gawker]

SoHo Knows: Memorial Day

I forgot to post this last week, but I loved this holiday edition of First Responders:

First Responders [Gawker]
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