Friday, September 30, 2005

The T.A.N. Blog Is The Greatest!! Other Blogs Are Crap!!

You can't always believe what you read. But you should believe this.

I've only been "live" for a couple weeks now, but I've looked all over the internet, and come to discover that in fact this blog is, in a word, amazing. And other blogs are, in a word, doo-doo (that's one word, right?)

I was going to write a long elaborate post to support this axiom of life, but realized that visual proof would probably mean a lot more in this instance.

And so, here it is ... a thousand words of proof ...

TAN = Great // Others = Poop

Kill Bill (Volume III - This Time It's Personal)

I saw someone on some show last night criticizing the media. He was saying that frequently our media finds a hot button storyline, and in chasing the buzz ignores other equally compelling issues. This was in the context of Hurricane Katrina discussion, and he mentioned that there are a lot of discrepancies in the media coverage of Katrina, And, tragic as the disaster was, a lot of reports were sensationalized (for example, reports of rapes and murders in the Superdome still have no evidence behind them.)

In his book “Three Uses Of The Knife” David Mamet, a man very familiar with gripping storylines, comments:
Aristotle wrote that no evil can befall a good person in this life or after death.

That is, whatever befalls the good person, however devastating, cannot be evil if it does not spring from his or her own actions.

Things that can equally befall a good or bad person cannot be evil; they can only be accident and, as such, are the fit subject not of drama but of gossip.
He also remarks, and I'm paraphrasing while using quotation marks here, “A legal battle consists not of a search for the truth, but in jockeying for the right to pick the central issue…”

So what are we talking about here?

What’s the central issue?

I’m looking around and seeing the reaction to Bill Bennett’s racially sensitive comments. And as a black guy, I could care less about Bill Bennett really. He is definitely not the central issue.

I’m always a little shocked at the moral outrage in this country. You shouldn’t need a subversive indie flick to tell you that morality is shady ground in our history.

Politicians should be slooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwly learning that no one cares about their self-righteous grandstanding. And it’s because of the W factor. George Bush has overdone it, he’s filled the bullshit cup up to the rim with BRIM ( that stands for something, I don’t know what, but the first word is bullshit).

Because of Bush, it’s all starting to be scrutinized a little more closely. Now, no one believes any source anymore. Right after birth we pop out with an ibook (umbilical-ethernet port on the latest models) and do a Google search on our “mother.” It’s like...
“hold on miss, I just want to verify you as my parent real quick. Hold on just one second ... I’m sure it’s being discussed on a message board somewhere… just bear with me. *fingers drumming keyboard* Sorry miss, sometimes the connection comes and goes. I can’t wait to go wi-fi. Could you maybe move your belly a little to the right some. Thanks. Oh wait. Ok. Well it looks like on Dooce, people are saying you’re probably not my mother, and that’s like a motherhood site now. Yeah it is. What’s that? Oh yeah I uploaded the picture of me attached to the umbilical cord on flickr, but no one is really swayed. They think it’s photoshopped. Right after I posted some other people uploaded pictures of them attached to you as well. There’s also a flash intro of you giving birth to Paris Hilton on some old man’s website. But wait, let me refresh…. Opinions are like assholes you know … lol …wait I didn’t mean to say that, I could actually just laugh out loud. But then how would everyone else know …. hmmmmmmm …..”
Jokes aside, we’ve had too much moralizing with no substance behind it. Iraq is a joke. A gross mistaken miscalculation. Our quarterback has fumbled the ball five times, and thrown fifty interceptions in his last three games. We should definitely be looking to make a trade. At the least licking our wounds and moving on to the backup plan. Unfortunately everyone knows this except the right guy …

I can see taking issue with Bill Bennett’s statement. But it basically amounts to a poorly worded sentiment. Really he just needs a better writer (ahem, ahem) …like me or copyranter

Cause what Bill was trying to say, the sentiment of the statement, is if you remove a big contributor to the problem you naturally will see a decline in the problem. If you were to kill every black person in this country today, tomorrow there would be a decline in the crime rate.

That’s a true statement. And those are hard to come by these days.

So what are we talking about here?

The quote is certainly venturing into dicey territory, you may want to perk up your ears, and squint your eyes a bit in his direction … that’s certainly warranted. But there’s no need to attack. There’s no need to defend. Are we afraid that the ideavirus of aborting black babies is going to spread and catch on … like blogging. Are we near The Tipping Point for aborting negroes, and one more sneeze might do it? Time People of The Year 2006 – Black Children Aborters. Stand up and take a bow!! You soldiers of justice…

If that’s a legitimate concern, we have MUCH bigger problems than Bill Bennett.

Perhaps, just maybe, implicit in Bill’s statement is that if you were to abort white babies, the same thing would happen. His point is not to platform the issue for discussion, his point is to say, “we can come up with a number of dramatic scenarios, none of which will apply to our current problem and need for a solution.”

In the Washington Post article linked to here, the actual context of Bill Bennett’s racist remarks aren’t provided until the third to last paragraph:

Bennett's comments came Wednesday, during a discussion on his talk show "Morning in America." A caller had suggested that Social Security would be better funded if abortion had not been legalized in 1973 because the nation would have more workers paying into the system.

So what are we talking about here?

Bill Bennett, was comparing someone else’s absurd statement with one of his own. He was discussing the validity of seeing a correlation between abortion and social security….

So my question is, why aren’t we???

The Time I Almost Got Shot In The Head

I used to live on 13th St between second and third avenue. This was during the boarding school years. In general the area was busy, but not the disgusting cesspool it is now. And on third avenue, on about ninth or tenth street, there was a barber shop school. And you could get a hair cut there for five dollars. And for the average young negro, just in need of a little fade, that was a great price point.

So this one day it was relatively crowded in the shop. It was usually fairly busy, some talk, but not like a scene from ‘barbershop’ or anything.

One guy stood out in the pool of waiting customers. He didn’t quite look homeless, but as close to it as you can get. And the biggest thing that brought the idea of homelessness to mind was his hair. He had a huge, densely matted tangled web of pseudo-dreadlocks, and it was long, and unwieldy, and definitely something you looked at and said, “ah, now I see where the challenge in being a barber lies. The gauntlet has been thrown. This I would not want to contend with. You know, being a barber is not all cherries and lemonade.”

So this guy is in the shop, and he’s kind of being disruptive. And the supervisor of the barber school was a stout, burly black guy, who looked like the bouncer/bodyguard/barber that he apparently was. After a while, the supervisor and other barbers determined that no matter how empty the place got Jungle Jones would not be receiving a haircut at their establishment.

Jungle Jones didn’t take kindly to the news, and he resisted. I personally felt ambivalent. The guy was definitely acting like a problem. And was generally nasty to be around. And it was clear he should be paying fifty dollars for a cut, not five. On the other hand, he was also clearly most in need of a barber. Perhaps, just perhaps, the man who most needed a barber in the history of mankind.

Anyways, the guy resists, and eventually, as it tends to happen with negroes (for some odd reason), things got physical. And the burly bodyguard ended up punching Jungle Jones hard, like straight-right-cross-across-the-face-knock-you-down-to-the-ground hard. It ended the dispute and resistance. Jungle Jones was taken out of the shop, and after coming around left yelling angry things at the barber.

Things settled down after a bit. And we got back into the rhythm of waiting for the next barber.

I finally got an opening about fifteen minutes later. The barber asks me what cut, I tell him. Ninety percent of my haircuts the barber has started on the sides, leaving me with a mushroom design for my head section in the initial stages of the cut.

So we were about three quarters of the way through the mushroom, when all of a sudden Jungle Jones is back outside the shop. Only this time he’s not looking so hobo-like. He’s just looking angry.

Jungle stands in the doorway and yells at burly barber. Burly barber tells him to get the fuck out of there. Jungle Jones says fuck that.

Then Jungle reaches down on his body and pulls out a gun. A shot’s fired, and some people rush Jungle to push him back and down or out. Others duck and scramble for cover.

I sat in the chair like a deer in headlights. A deer with a three-quarters mushroom-cut afro. This was my first time being so up close and personal with the gun violence I heard about so often. I’d heard gun-shots plenty. I’d seen a gun. But I’d never been in a situation where someone was quite possibly going to get shot.

At this point the scene is hobo jungle jones with nuclear disaster dred-afro, being held on to by a three or four guys, and then everyone else is on the ground and/or out of the way, except a young teen, still sitting patiently in the barber’s chair, clearly in the early stages of his cut. After the handful of seconds that passed I think most people would have managed to get down. But I remained in the barber’s chair. I think I was at the stage of the haircut where your body says, “well we can’t leave this chair until this stage is over, we’ll give the signal when movement is possible, but it will be around the time the rest of the mushroom disappears.”

So I didn’t move. I just kind of looked on. And lo and behold Jungle Jones breaks free from the group restraining him, and rushes to the door again. He yells and fires off another shot. I hear glass break, and I turn my head and look at the mirror on the other side of me. It’s a mirrored wall, and it has a gun shot hole in it. The glass is about two or three chairs away from me. But the hole is less than half the length of a barber’s clippers away from my head. When you looked in the mirror, you could see my mushroom, and the bullet hole right there next to it.

Almost like Jungle Jones was trying to get me.

So I noted the fact that I was almost shot in the head, and then waited for the barber to finish the haircut…

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Trends I Started

I believe in the communal reservoir of ideas. The notion that everyone on the planet contributes to a shared pool of thoughts; so that when someone in Europe has a brainstorm, it enters the thought-osphere and other people in America can draw off that same idea, despite not being in direct contact with the person. So this means that, for example, Joe Schmoe could have thought of the ipod the same time as Steve Jobs (or the engineers who brought the ipod to Jobs) did.

So with that preface, and considering I’ve been fairly quiet about my contributions to “The Pool,” I thought I’d share a list of some of my contributions. This list will likely be constantly updated, as I’ve contributed a lot, but can’t remember everything on the spot.

Trends I Started:
Wearing flip-flops on the subway

Wearing jeans at night


Wearing double t-shirts.

Enjoying the synergy of drinking while peeing at the same time

T-shirts with funny/cool phrases on them

Only doing two verses for a hip hop song

Making an acronym out of whatever you happen to be talking about at the time (i.e. “That’s M.A.A.O.O.W.Y.H.T.B.T.A.A.T.T silly, the assimilated negro started that)

The concept of combining two independent words together to make a new one. Like White and the N-Word = wigger. (I didn’t come up with wigger. I came up with the notion that allows you to create the word wigger, or blog, etc.)

Wearing t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers together.

Rock, paper, scissors

Flipping a coin to settle disputes

Reading Maxim magazine

Vaginal penetration

Setting your clock five minutes ahead to be on time

Brushing your teeth in the shower to save time

Spraying water on your clothes to iron them … and save time

Telling people you’re five minutes away, when you’re really fifteen minutes away

Rubbing your belly to indicate hunger

Any kind of hip hop song that has to do with idolatry of the Caucasian Female

Rubbing your booty to indicate having to go to the bathroom
Interracial dating

Interracial mating

Using double and triple parentheticals (you mean like this one?) (no, more like this one) (or this)

That’s going to be all for now. You’ll notice some of the things haven’t caught on yet, like others. And you might think I’m being a little presumptuous to posit myself as the sole progenitor of these cultural trends that you likely have taken for granted. But when is the last time you used posit and progenitor in ordinary conversation? Exactly.

So this was just an FYI … please pay your respects accordingly.


Only Geniuses Should Read This Post.

I have a sneaking suspicion that we as a people are held back by our notion of “genius”

Am I the only person that gets a little riled up when you watch one of these promo bits for a movie or show, and it’s like everyone is a genius. The director, star actor, the non-star actor, the dog, the grip, the caterer, the fluffer … everyone’s a genius.

Now the thing is, I don’t have a problem with everyone being a genius. I actually embrace that. My problem is with the way we use the term.

We use it primarily as a means of identifying people who we deem to have an extraordinary talent. We say, “so and so is a genius, they are greater than us at such and such.” It’s basically a god construct. The genius is god. Look at the god and his supernatural powers.

But of course we also readily acknowledge that geniuses are not gods, they are human beings. Like all of us, they fart, cough, get old and die. Except they have this unique talent …

I think this conflict creates a knot in our string of something or other (life maybe…).

If we subscribe to the genius-as-god construct, then what of the boy-genius who becomes a man? Or Michael Jordan getting older and losing his hops? The writer who nails the “great American Novel,” and then retires. It seems to me time is always the great equalizer. Or that is to say – if you think you know a genius, maybe you haven’t hung around them long enough.

I submit that genius is a zone that is accessible to everyone. It’s “THE zone.” When you’re in the zone, or the groove, or the pocket … you are also in the land of genius.

It also conveniently relates to the notion of a communal pool/reservoir of ideas that we all give to and draw from.

So genius could be, perhaps, the feeling of actually drinking, or giving to that pool. The transaction process of a certain original thought or perspective entering your consciousness is genius.

This is a concept that fits better in the big picture. We’re not conflicted here between god and human. If we separate genius from the religious/moral god-construct, then maybe we can remove the ceiling on our ambition. We allow everyone the capacity for genius.

Now while we gain a world full of potential geniuses, we do sacrifice something as well. I think the biggest loss would be a ton of great album/blog/art titles. Artists get a kick out of recognizing the balance, the yin and yang. Pretty Ugly. Perfectly Flawed, Peaceful at War, Happy Sad. These are all potential artsy-fartsy titles that would no longer pack the same punch. Presuming they packed some punch in the first place of course.

So we lose the conceit of genius. We lose the muse. We lose some of the mystery … the oooh-ahhh … because ultimately if anyone can enter “the genius zone,” then being a genius is not such a big deal.

But we gain everyone’s involvement. And what’s worth doing if everyone can’t partake right? We lose the divide and conquer.

Michael Jordan is often called a genius. But he’s no genius when he grabs a baseball bat. And his genius was not the same as age took its toll on his physical abilities. So he was a genius for a moment. There was a period of time when he basically lived by the idea pool, and was constantly drinking and giving. Every time he leapt into the air, contorted his body, and carved out an original perspective on how to achieve an end vis-à-vis a basketball. That was genius. He wasn’t a genius in the introductions, or even while dribbling the ball up the court, it wasn’t until he did that thing we had never seen previously …and not a moment before or after.

Stevie Wonder, Einstein, Hitler … these guys are all geniuses. They all at some point demonstrated an excess of ability to achieve their goal. But they’re all also flawed in various ways. They aren’t gods (though there may be an argument for Stevie Wonder).

We have all stepped into the zone. We’ve all experienced genius. That’s why we can toss the term around so liberally. We all know that feeling, that surreal step into another dimension that constitutes everything going exactly as you will it.

The chick is digging all your game, the baseball looks like a beachball, the story is telling itself, you dominated Madden one day in all possible ways, or maybe you got those tater-tots out the oven at just the right time. And they were magical, amazing, beautifully-absurd, happy/sad tater-tots.

Seriously … my tater-tots last night were genius. That’s how I came to write this…

Genius is everywhere around us. Genius is a challenge. It’s always rented, never owned.

So don’t cheat yourself. Next time you get a little surly because that grip is being called a genius, and you know he's just a turd in grip clothing. Know that it’s no big deal. So are you ... you know, technically speaking. You may not be in the zone right now, but you will be … at some point … maybe …

This Ain't Your Negro-Momma's Satire ...

The TAN-man was given props in some new festival called - The Carnival of Satire.

Of course they still made me ride in the back of the bus, but you know ... whatever.

You could also just take my word for it and read "benefits of converting from negro ..." on the sidebizzy.

slang used in this post - (2) :

sidebizzy - sidebar ... come on dude.

props - term used for 'proper respect', praise, honor, kudos.

If you were into slapping grandmothers big time and you were also performing at a hip hop show you might say:
"I'd like to send props out to all the grandma slappers in the place, keep slappin'."

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

No Not Melanin, Melanoma

Why White Guys Have It Better Than Black Guys

Reason #136
-- Razor Bumps

Why Black People Have It Better Than White People

Reason #4
-- Not Melanin ... Melanoma


PT Anderson And His Perfect Bio

I was trolling around the internet, you know, looking for perfection. And to my surprise, I found it, in PT Anderson's bio.

You doubt?

Well see for yourself:

Lived in Los Angeles, USA with girlfriend Fiona Apple.

Dropped out of NYU's film program after two days. Subsequently got his tuition payment back and used the money to make Cigarettes & Coffee (1993).

He shaves his head before some productions. He did not shave his head before the production of Magnolia (1999), as evidenced in the documentary on the DVD.

His favorite all-time film is Network (1976)

For the brief time he was at NYU film school he handed in some of Pulitzer Prize winner David Mamet's work as his own. When he got it back with a "C" grade he decided to leave.

Tom Cruise got him on to the set of Eyes Wide Shut (1999). He spent the day there and got to talk to Stanley Kubrick.

He is a good friend of Quentin Tarantino.

Is a big fan of Adam Sandler and his movies.

His girlfriend of three years, Maya Rudolph (Saturday Night Live), is pregnant with their first child (due summer 2005).

Shares his birthday (26 June 1970) with Sean Hayes and Chris O'Donnell.

Doubt no more friends, doubt no more ...

Are You A Native NYer?????

If so, then undoubtedly you are wise beyond your years....

And if you are wise beyond your years, then you should know about this party, held once a month.

there are three things that make this party great.

#1 - Cover = $1

#2 - Drink Specials - $3 - $4

#3 - as if the reasons could get any better -- only NATIVE NEW YORKERS allowed

First Monday of the month, certainly something to do ... four years running. She holds it all around the city, so you have to e-mail for location and password.

For those who are a no-go for admission (yes, you count too), you may want to visit her "Past Passwords" section for a great collection of NY trivia/history. Natives can go for the reminisce-orama ....

NYC Magic Garden

Monday, September 26, 2005

No Gatorade Here, Derek Jeter Receives Only AN Haterade

Derek Jeter, a beacon of light for Assimilated Negroes everywhere is getting hate mail.

Have any of you been warned to "stop dating white women, or you'll be castrated, shot, or set on fire."

Well DJ has. And apparently many others Assimilated Negroes have as well. Never doubt that dating white chicks carries a large burden.

I have a dream, a dream that one day we'll all be able to date white women in peace *tears welling* ... but until that day ...*tears overflowing*... we AN's have to soldier on and do what we feel is right. Stand up for our right for light-skin lovin'. goddammit, I know we will overcome!!

And help ladies of all types do the same ...

Kate Moss - 100% AN Approved

Well first and foremost, this is our first time breaking out the AN (short for Assimilated Negro) acronym. Which I guess means we actually broke out the ANA … but … well…yeah.
Anyways, sometimes the AN lifestyle is pretty insular … so I’m a little late on the Kate Moss roast ... but you know, better late, than way too late ... so here are some lines for snorting:

Thought #1 -- I'm wondering how long until Kate’s on the Surreal Life? Over/Under for which season she’ll appear on is – 7.

Thought #2 -- Don't look now, but those lines are fatter than she is *buh-dum-bum* (is that how you spell rim-shot?)

Thought #3 -- I forgot...

Thought #4 -- If she wants to become a legend, she should kill herself. Right now. Opportunity is knocking. Change the world.

Thought #1 -- Is she looking to date black guys now?

Life Lesson #42 - If Johnny Depp is your boyfriend, hang on for dear life.

Thought #10 -- Who remembers this line?
“chances slimmer than that chick in Calvin Klein pants’s” [sic]
– Jay-Z “Friend or Foe”

Headline #2 -- Kate Moss: Six Months Pregnant

Thought #2 - I mean, do you think a regular guy, with a blog, like you, OR ME, could like, you know, get with her now?

Thought #12 - The “Kate Moss Diet” oddly enough does not require you to actually eat moss of any kind.

Quote #1 - “At least I don’t take steroids and lie about it.”

Quote #2 - "No Kate. I don’t think you want to ride The Cyclone ... "

New Game - "Where's Kate?" (from the makers of "Where's Waldo")

Seriously, ummm anyone know if she’s dating black guys ...

*this post was conceived, written, and edited in 8.2 seconds according to SmartPost™*

Friday, September 23, 2005

Blue Notes -- "The Eternal Now" (audio)

"And so many think, because ‘then’ happened, ‘now’ isn’t. But didn’t I mention? The ongoing WOW is happening right now.”

So begins “The Eternal Now,” the serious selection from the first trio of songs presented in the “Blue Notes” series on The Assimilated Negro.

The quote is taken from the movie Waking Life - a movie that comes highly recommended by this former philosophy major, the words key right in on the content of the song. It’s perfect.

This is my “live for today” song. I think I managed to come up with a creative and different approach to the old notion of “seizing the moment”.

When I try to personify “the past,” what comes to mind is a stalker. Someone who follows your every move. Knows everything about you. You can’t shake him (of course the past is a male) for the life of you. He means you no harm, but still he haunts you. Because of what he knows. You. We run from the past. We run from ourselves. Old versions of the application ME that have had the bugs identified. And we’re still working on getting all the glitches ironed out before our next release date, so the last thing we want to see is some old version. No, goshdarnit, look at me now!!

But we don’t really mean now. We mean the future. Look at me soon. Look at what lies in front of me. Look at what I will become. It’s certain to be better than that, or this. Perfection lies right down the road, past the mountains, and over the horizon.

But what about now? The now that is you and I right now. Now. I mean NOW.

When I try to personify the future, she (of course the future is a female) also deals in the “now”. Your now. Your cash. Your currency.

The past stalks you, and takes your every moment. Your every now. It knows how to do nothing else.

The future doles out moments. She gives you now. But can never be a part of them. She can never step from behind the horizon. She is a posthumous dream.

The structure of the song plays a role as well, with the first verse representing “the past”, the second verse representing “the future” and the “eternal now” chorus as the go-between. Which I like because a I think a chorus sort of represents the “now” part of a song.

So anyways, if you’re still awake, you should listen to it now, now … I mean now.

I also need new music for it... *sigh*

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Blue Notes -- "Girls I Like ..." (audio)

I can't always be rainbows and cotton-candy. Sometimes we must succumb to our base impulses ...

"Girls I Like ..." is a succumbing, a succumbing to the temptation that lurks in every newstand carrying magazines like Maxim, FHM, or Stuff.

Written a couple years ago, there is a 2005 edition/update that has been written, but not recorded ... regardless, the underlying feelings/infrastructure remain constant.

peece brothers ...


tell all the kids
to cover their ears
i’m gonna bring this raw dog
and rape Britney Spears
but this ain’t no oops b*tch
you know I’ll do it again
your songs are corny, but I’m horny
and you’re showing some skin
more important
if you’re sexy and white
this brother’s brainwashed
all these posh celebs [are] just my type
so quick fast I punk Ashton
give more to Demi
tell her to StripTease
after a couple of Remy’s
and there’s still more for Mandy, Julieanne, and Drew Barry
die my pubes blonde
Give it to Deborah Harry
-step into a room …-
catch me howling at full moons
no punchline
just looking at Heidi Klum
give me time with Reese
she can’t wither my spoon
i’m Bond
legally armed
with Cruel Intentions for blondes
i respond to Jenna J flickspam A’s tits
angelina’s lips
and Shakira’s hips
and when I want that imported
i see Penelope Cru
lucy Liu
they not white but they can get some too
as I’m kicking that
voulez vous coucher avec moi
put this in your mouth ma
till you get to the marmalade
i’m not French but I spread love like it’s my job
and I only know two words
bon jour and ménage
be it Wilma and Betty
ginger and Maryanne
paris and Nikki
olsen Twins get down with the plan
get them Bud Light girls
i’ll give them something to share
taste great, more filling
d*ck is better than beer
amazed, how many ways I get you to blow
telling Cheryl – guitar down
while I’m eating that crow
in Chicago I see Zeta
send Michael the pics
gotta kick Winona out
she start robbing my ish …
i’m an undercover brother
scoping Denise Rich
no doubt she a petty b*tch
but can’t act for sh*t
that’s alright I want skillsi’m gonna go see Streep
only thing she cries for hours
and makes sh*t too deep
and I don’t need another motherf*cking lecture
tell all that objectify women sh*t
to Carmen Electra
you know I’m a lover
throw me the rubbers
turn this up for all the heads
who jerk to Maxim covers
it's not a song
i plan to release others
just a toast
to the girls I like most

Peace brothers …


Blue Notes -- "My Name's Not" (audio)

"My Name's Not" is an obvious parody on "My Name Is" by Eminem.

It's been a polarizing selection from the catalogue over the years. People either get with the program and love the tongue-in-cheekery ... or they say "what the hell is this" ... especially in shows after you've just done a real serious/hardcore song.

There's also been an interesting lifecycle, where when it was first done, not terribly long after the initial Eminem breaks into hip hop phase, it was nice. Then there was a period, where it was like, "who the f*ck are you to do be doing a parody of Eminem, our lord, god, and saviour." Now time has passed, and Eminemers have some perspective, I think this bit has held up well.

"I'm so obsessed, I vish I vas a honkey ..."

holla ...

where's the lyrics?

Readables ...

A couple interesting readable tidbits:

For those who may not be up to speed on the latest advances on the inter-neato. Here's a good primer on recent developments in our new virtual world that we all love and enjoy. It's from PC World, July '05, so it'll be relevant at least until the end of this post.

For you slackers among us, you're sure to find inspiration (or uninspiration?) in the story of Paul Orfalea (pronounced OR-fah-la), the founder of Kinko's. In contrast to the normal driven-to-succeed-500-hour-work-week-until-we-are-established schpiel, check out this excerpt on how Orfalea worked to create his Copy Empire:
"I certainly didn't behave like other executives. If you opened the drawers and filing cabinets of my office, you would have seen ... nothing. I didn't keep paperwork, files, a pen, or a computer. What for? As a nonreader, I wouldn't be using them much. In a way the office was just for show, because I didn't like spending time there. I didn't like sitting around and reading long, novelistic reports. I didn't get caught up in the minutiae of meeting minutes. (I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than sit through a board meeting.) Co-workers helped with my written correspondence."

that's hot for a CEO...

His next section is headlined: Make Yourself Less Accessible

Here's more fuel for slackers across the globe. Go Orfalea Go!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Fantasy Football (Week 2 Roundup)

In week two, trends are developing...

The question of the week is - what to do with Daunte? I say, when in doubt, consult the schedule. If you’re not in a keeper league, the schedule should always be the first thing you reference for player valuation purposes.

He’s got New Orleans, Chicago, and Green Bay in 3 of the next 4. These are games Daunte should reestablish some value. Chicago has a good D, but still a game you can post points.

So that means Daunte is a hold. If you can get 2nd round value for him, meaning a RB 1 or RB2 (top15) or WR1 (top5), then by all means deal him, but he’s still a top 3-4 QB in terms of upside.

Daunte owners should look to upgrade at backup QB though. He should improve, but he won’t be the Daunte of old. So try and match it up, Daunte has Pittsburgh and Baltimore in week 15 and 16. So you definitely want another option at playoff time. This season in general looks like it will be advantageous to have two quality quarterbacks on the roster regardless of who your #1 is.

Other QB notes:

Carson Palmer owners should shop around and be open to deals. His value won’t be higher. Palmer is not Peyton Manning, and you see what Peyton Manning is doing. This league gives everyone some humility, Carson will get his dosage as well.

At RB:

Parker, Davis, Tiki Barber, Thomas Jones owners should all sell. Parker’s legit, but Bettis and Staley can’t sit around all season. By default he has to regress. Thomas Jones is Thomas Jones. Tiki will still lose TD’s to Brandon Jacobs, and the goal-line targets of Shockey and Burress. He’s still good, but he won’t be a #1 RB.

Cadillac – The road will get bumpier for the Cadillac. After the bye in week 7, he has names like Carolina twice, New England, and Washington. Tough defenses right when Williams could be starting to hit the wall. You can probably find a lateral move RB, like Clinton Portis, and get an upgrade somewhere else in the exchange.

I think Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson are going to hurt each other. I’d sell on those guys.

Lamont Jordan, Steven Jackson, Ahman Green rate as strong buys.

At Wide Receiver:

Larry Fitzgerald looks like he will be what Chris Carter used to do. Lots of catches, lots of TD. Maybe not eye-popping yardage, but a top WR option week in, week-out.

Darrell Jackson, Donald Driver, Plaxico Burress rate as buys. Jackson and Alexander make the Seattle offense go. Driver is a dependable WR, and the definite #1 in GB, a team that should have to pass a lot to remain competitive. He could be a top 10-15 WR the rest of the way, but no one will place that mmuch value on him in a trade. Plaxico will have down games, courtesy of his young QB. But he’s definitely a big part of the offense, and a nice end-zone target. He’s a solid #2.

Team Defenses don’t get enough attention and coverage.

Colts D is for real, primarily because of strength of schedule. Cincy has a decent schedule and are definitely an option. Giants I’d be a little worried about, they're good, but I think they will have less productive days (from a points perspective) . Keep an eye on the Chiefs. Ravens will come back also.


Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Funny Game ...

I had to chuckle at this game. I think I even chortled as well. If you like the challenge of looking at a hearty bosom without being detected, then see below. I believe the game is called "Lust For Bust."

Perhaps you too will chuckle and/or chortle.

The Benefits Of Converting From A Negro To An Assimilated Negro

All the Negroes in the house say, “Yeah!”

All the Negroes in the house say, “hell yeah!!”

Word up.

In this episode we’re going to go over the primary reasons why any Negro should want to convert to being an Assimilated Negro:


Monday, September 19, 2005

Exposing "The Source" - R.I.P.

a couple more links I stumbled on relating to "The Source" and their decline in readership and credibility.

This first one is a three-parter. Written by the music editor of The Source in it's heyday. It's a must read for all hip hop fans with more than a cursory interest in its history.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

This second one is an amusing story by a copy-editor who was there briefly, but what he saw was very telling.

Lil' Kim Gets Five Mics - Hip Hop Fans Plan For Immediate Evacuation!!

I figure most everyone, both on the assimilated side, and on the negro side, is familiar with Lil' Kim. Everyone on both sides pretty much recognizes her as the hoochie-mama rapper who crossed over and is now frequently seen on red-carpets and big celeb parties. On a list of things that come to mind when thinking of Lil' Kim aka The Queen B, terms like "classic," "timeless," and "artist" are either last on the list, or don't make it on the list before you remember that there are an infinite number of more productive options than making a Lil' Kim list.

So when walking in NYC today I almost got hit by a car, because while crossing the street I happened to see a billboard announcing that Lil Kim's latest album "The Naked Truth" had received Five Mics from The Source. I had to call one of my boys to make sure there wasn't some sort of terrorist alert I didn't know about or something.

Now some of you on the assimilated side might not be familar with The Source. Well the short story is that The Source bills itself as "the bible" on hip hop, culture, and politics. And in its record review section they rank albums with a "mic" system. One mic is wack. Five mics is a classic album. Here's a primer that breaks down the history of the magazine, and its current spiral downward.

The bottom line here is that any serious hip hop fan knows that it would be impossible for Lil' Kim to drop a 5-mic album. Maybe if she had Jay-Z, Nas, and Common collaborate to ghost-write it. With Kanye, Jay-Dee, and Dre on the boards. And then have Lauryn Hill do the vocals. Then we could talk. But classic timeless albums are not what Lil' Kim does. Lil' Kim does "I have buffoons eating my pu**y while I watch cartoons..." - that's Lil' Kim. Amusing - yes. Entertaining - maybe. Classic - never.

The Source shold bill themselves as a magazine for hip hop satire. That would be truer to their current identity. "The Farce" perhaps. It's something to seriously consider. Lil' Kim getting five mics is an incredibly funny bit.

Especially considering the new editor-in-chief for The Source is a woman. And these comments from Kim herself:
“I think it just does great for the evolution of black women. I thinks it's gonna be great for female rappers now too.”
By this logic hip hop advocates should elect the Yin-Yang Twins as president and vice president come next election.

Consider also that Lauryn Hill's - The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill - was not deemed worth of the "timeless" rating.

I guess it is positive for all those young black women out there to know that all they have to do is get a little plastic surgery (old to the new), get sent to prison, and drop mediocre material to be heralded as a classic artist.

Here's the evolution
of black women according to Lil' Kim.

Classic material baby ...

Friday, September 16, 2005

More George Bush Loving ...

What?? A Storm??!!? What Kind Of Storm??? Hmmmmmm ....I think I'll need to respond.

Interview With a Negro Pig ...

Well had to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you the interview with a negro pig.

Looks like the pig is also fairly assimilated...

Hollaback girl says to also check out the ad for the dancing prostitute who's an absolutely horrific dancer. Which presumably means she's good at rock-and-roll ....

no diggity.

Blog The Dog!

Figure this cartoon is a nice segue to introducing the dog/dog-walking section of The Assimilated

Fantasy Sports - Credentials & Week 1 Roundup

I’m a big sports fan. Football, baseball, and basketball. My good friend “hedgefund guy” introduced me to Rotisserie baseball during the college days, and the rest, as they say, is past tense.

Since my introduction I have played in and won numerous fantasy sports leagues, been awarded a flat-screen LCD television by for Fantasy Football dominance, and I’ve contributed content for a variety of websites and magazines. I am what some in the business refer to as an “expert.”

So for football season I’ll give a weekly take/analysis/outlook/perspective on the NFL. If you play in a league you should keep tabs on this b-l-o-g for the odd chance I tell you something you don’t know, or is not mentioned on any of the other multitude of Fantasy Football sites out there.

So after week one …

Quarterback – Fantasy football is about “difference-makers,” players who create a statistical stratification between themselves and the rest of the league. Last year Peyton Manning and Daunte Culpepper were difference-makers because they clearly outclassed the rest of the quarterbacks in the league in productivity. This year it looks like everyone should be relatively close together as both Manning and Culpepper come back to the pack a little. If you can trade a Culpepper or Vick for a guy like Kerry Collins, or Bulger, or maybe even Kurt Warner … and get a nice upgrade at RB or WR. You should jump on it. There’s tons of depth at QB and very little difference between 2, 10 and 15. McNair, K. Warner, J. Harrington, and even … dare I say ... Gus Frerotte are good value targets right now.

Top RB’s right now are – Tomlinson, Alexander, James, Deuce, J. Jones, Portis, - then McGahee, L. Jordan, and Dillon. These are the big boys. If you can get two of them, do it. Trade any QB, or any WR – except maybe Holt, Moss, Owens.

Other notes:

The value on Clinton Portis will only get higher. Washington O-line is healthier, and the schedule looks promising.

Bail on Thomas Jones as soon as you can.

In leagues that don’t penalize for interceptions, Vick is still a difference-maker.

Larry Fitzgerald, The Dolphins, and the Colts defense are for real.

Buffalo Bills, Tim Rattay, and Larry Johnson are not.

Pick of the week is Philly at home against the 49ers. Take the two touchdowns no problem...


Giant Thoughts (Week 1)

Week One - Arizona Cardinals

Clearly a great week for the New York football Giants.

Arizona was a big preseason bandwagon team, so they were a perfect litmus test for the new look Jints. You don’t want a powerhouse, like Philly, that puts too much pressure right out the gate. And you don’t want a supposed rollover, like the Browns, where it’s a no-win situation because you’re expected to dominate.

I think Dennis Green will have a good team in Arizona. Kurt Warner’s kind of like Drew Bledsoe now. Boldin and Fitzgerald are for real, and Green just has to figure out his o-line situation. Dennis Green is a great coach who always wins, so he’ll have them playing tough by season’s end. But they might go 8-8 in the process.

But back to Big Blue. Obviously anyone who saw the game immediately went out to get a Brandon Jacobs jersey. He’s exciting. It will be nice to see him develop, he’s looking like a Bettis or Eddie George type.

What’s nice about the Giants offense is they have three to four players who present very difficult one-on-one match-ups. Shockey cannot be covered by most LB’s or safeties. Plaxico is a great jump ball guy. Tiki can’t be covered by most LB’s or safeties. If we can stay reasonably healthy, it will really and truly all rest on Eli’s shoulders. I think every Giant fan is happy to see 42 points in a week where Eli played mediocre at best.

Special Teams!! What a sight for sore eyes.

Our D-line looked ferocious. Strahan was dominating as usual, which was nice to see. Osi was shutdown by Leonard Davis most of the day, but it’s a good learning experience for him. Davis is massive and could emerge this year, he’s been transitioning from guard to tackle, and should be more comfortable this year.

The pleasant surprise was the play of Joseph and Clancy, they were constantly causing a ruckus. But it is tempered because the middle of the Cards O-line is weak, with a rookie at guard and a one-year waiver pickup at center.

Much bally-hooed Antonio Pierce looked good, and very bad-ass playing MLB without knee or thigh pads. There wasn’t much running in the second half by the Cards though, so he wasn’t featured as much.

But not much to say really when you win big in week one. It feels good, but let's see about this upcoming Sunday. Saints are a very interesting match-up. We should know a lot (or a little) more about these Giants after week two.


Thursday, September 15, 2005

Morality Test

Got this in the Inbox from a hollaback girl I know... very appropriate ...


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.

Here's the situation:

You are in Florida; Miami to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly, you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.

It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever. You have two options-you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?


In The Beginning (part 1)

I like to say at age five I was born in a cab.

My mother and father had me when they were very young. I believe one was twenty, the other twenty-one. When they eventually got divorced, I was four, possibly five, years old. Immediately following their split my mother had custody of me, and she coached me to hate my father. If hate is too strong a word, then at the least I was extremely afraid.

One of literally maybe five memories I have from this time is simply standing on the street with my mother, she holding my hand, I think we were at church. Dressed up a bit. Nice bright day. Then from a distance a disembodied call of my name – “Patrice!” Then again, “Patrice!!” Then again, “PATRICE!!!” It was my father. And I was afraid. Each time my name was screamed down the street (maybe ten times that day), never with a face, just a voice, my body winced from fear. I could feel the adrenaline pump through my veins. My mother grabbed my hand, and we started running. I don’t know where, but I know we were running, and I knew the last thing that could happen to us was getting caught. It was like being in a horror movie, and my father was Jason. We ran for our lives, my mother and I, or so I thought. We ran like the movie would end way too early if we were caught. And so we weren’t.

But with this memory in mind, you could imagine my surprise when one day, not long after this incident, I would learn I was going to live with my father. And it wasn’t due to some evil spell or potion he concocted, or some crazy act of child terrorism (something I would become more familiar with later). No, surprisingly, it was my mother’s decision. The woman who held my hand as we frantically tried to escape the monster’s clutches, was now sending me directly to the evil lair. With little discussion, and the advance notice of a few minutes, I was told I would be leaving my mother that day. She was putting me in a cab, by myself, and sending me off to my father’s parent’s home, my grandparents’ home, my new home. I was going to live with the monster, and I was going by myself, and I would have to deal with it.

The subsequent cab ride is the place(?) of my birth. Going from my mother to the monster, the monster that wasn’t really a monster, but my father. The consciousness I know, that I remember now, that I regard as me was born during that cab ride. Anything else I know previous is cobbled together through intuition and family anecdotes. My accessible reservoir of memories begins after I exited that cab, that makeshift birth canal, to ring the bell of my grandparent’s home.

And though I have no authentic memory of the ride itself, I do remember getting out the cab and tentatively walking up the steps to the front door of 717 Commonwealth Avenue. And I remember another child about one or two houses down yelling at me, “Pinoccchio! Pinocchio’s here! What’s up Pinocchio??”

He knew me. But I didn’t know him. I didn’t think I knew him. I remember thinking, “Why is he calling me Pinocchio? My name’s not Pinocchio. Maybe it’s because they both start with a P. Ahhhh. That must be the reason.” Satisfied with my conclusion, I refocused on the task at hand, “Hmmm, I wonder which doorbell it is, the top one or the bottom one.”

I remember these thoughts. I remember them like they happened five minutes ago. Since I have developed some mild self-consciousness about my nose, I still wonder on occasion if the Pinocchio cry was a sly poke at the size of my snout. Upon getting out the cab, my young friend could not help but think of the long-nosed marionette as I followed my beak to the door of my grandparent’s house. You know how children are so brutally honest.

Anyways, I decided to ring both bells. And the door was opened. And …

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

We're Just About To Get Started. Trust Me.

YEEE-HAAAA that’s right turkeys, The Assimilated Negro is in the building. Hold your blunt cracker! Don’t trade that stock yet my niggy! We got a lot to talk about.


So this is the beginning of my b-l-o-g, also known as the end of the world as we know it. Fittingly we start in the middle, as I right this in real time somewhere in the midst of Act II of the story of my life. Act I ended on 8/18/05 … but more on that later

I’m hoping this b-l-o-g will serve many purposes...

First off, I’m a writer, so obviously a writer needs an outlet for writing.

I’m also a performing hip hop artist, but since I haven’t sold crack, or been shot (though I have had a bullet just miss my head) I feel I need to explain myself. I mean, I went to boarding school. People who went to boarding school become writers all the time, but they don’t become rappers. Right?? Well in the posts to follow we will explore this dastardly conundrum of the mind, body, and soul. We’ll also explore sports, philosophy, the progress of my creative/commercial endeavors, and platypus mating habits. There won’t be much cooking. Not much politics, at least not much of the government variety. Nor any quilting, crochet, or anything dealing with needles and yarn or other fabrics.

Since this is my fifth post and I have yet to move out of “introduction” mode. I will end this stage of the b-l-o-g now, and start posting actual content from heretoforwith.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

OK. This Title Will Not Have The Word Negro In It.


I'll try again next time ...

but seriously ... coming up soon. the origins and background of the assimilated negro. Week one in the NFL. And the beginning of the Doggy Diaries ...

stay tuned ...

Monday, September 12, 2005

Come See The Assimilated Negro !!

cue sound



1 …

Hello there. Do you consider yourself clever, sexy, or caring?? Have you ever been hungry … or thirsty? Are you in a place that’s room temperature … or a little below?? Do you own a light bulb?

Well if you answered yes to any of these questions, you are in the right place.

The Assimilated Negro b-l-o-g is the b-l-o-g of all b-l-o-g-s. It is the greatest invention since sliced bread … errr … I mean the I-pod Nano.

Don’t read all those other boring blahhhhhhhhhhgs.

Or even those silly blogs.

Read yourself a genuine, state of the art, vintage, imported directly from El Barrio, stainless steel, diamond crusted, Teflon coated, velvety, leathery, buttery, light-as-a-feather, sexy, smart, sophisticated, yet sensible, spicy, tasty, fuel-efficient, no-carb, lo-carb, mo-carb, remodeled, renovated, innovative, aqua-beveled, tri-level, love god/ignore the devil, handsome, tasteful, classy, fun, funny, functional, fundamentally sound, fungus repellent, fundamentalist approved, democratically powered, capitalistically financed … and generally speaking, just very good b-l-o-g.

This b-l-o-g is going to be hot. It’s going to be HOT. It’s going to be HOTTTT!!! It’s going to be hot like fire. It’s going to be hotter than a Paris Hilton sex tape with Angelina Jolie, and Beyonce, and Lucy Liu, and Madonna when she was hot, and Shakhira at the VMA’s …mmmm Shakhira at the VMA’s … with a hot soundtrack by Kanye West, and hot narration by Bobby Brown and Morgan Freeman, and hot new episodes of Chappelle’s Show in between, all produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, set in hell, on the 4th of July, on the sun, in the sun, in the sun’s core, with no AC or even a fan, and burlap Northface coats on, zipped all the way up, all rolled into a Hot Pocket in the hottest microwave set on hot (or high) with no time limit…

This blog will make all that seem like nothing.

But don’t take my word for it. Check out these testimonials:

“The Assimilated Negro b-l-o-g reminds me of ambrosia and nectar”
- Zeus

“I love reading “The Assimilated Negro,” it makes me dance like I did at the VMA’s.”
- Shakhira

“I’m going to quit singing and dancing and have a baby just so he/she can read this blog. It’s awesome!!”
- Britney Spears

“Now this is the type of sh*t I’m talking about son!! Holla at your boy my niggy!!”
- Barack Obama

“It might be cliché for me to say this, but I’m on Cloud Nine when I read The Assimilated Negro”
- The Number Nine

“what are your profit margins looking like with that there blog of yours. I might want to get in on that action.”
- hedgefund guy

“We’re going to fortify …. We’re going to intensify .. .and we’re going to stay the course and get the job done.”
- George W. Bush

“A gazillion dollars is a lot of pressure ni$$a, you try entertaining with that much pressure on your shoulders”
- Dave Chappelle

“Hey assimilated negro. Can you write your next post on our breasts??”
- random ‘Girls Gone Wild’ girls

“kissed by the rainbow’s breath, I dance with sorrow, whispers come, and still I …smile”
- random poet

“I’ll plug The Assimilated Negro on the invention channel if you give me 20% of your profits”
- Pat Murphy-Stark of the Invention Channel

So as you can see, people from all walks of life love The Assimilated Negro b-l-o-g. So what are you waiting for? Act now and you can partake in this amazing force of nature for the low price of ZERO DOLLARS!! That’s right ladies and germs* FREE!!

And best of all … your satisfaction is guaranteed. If you are not completely ecstatic about The Assimilated Negro after trying it for 3,650 days, we will send you your money back**

Don’t miss out on this amazing opportunity, for as soon as The Assimilated Negro has enough leverage to charge money … he will…

Alright, that’s all folks. My time is up, so I’ll just plan to see you in the comments section of The Assimilated Negro.

‘til then …

Au Revoir

-cue video of The Assimilated Negro knitting a sweater for one of his fans-

germs is not a colloquialism for the term “gentleman”, only actual germs and ladies/females try free, all males will be charged an annual fee of $45,000 a year. Transvestites or transsexuals should contact customer service.

** No we won’t.

Monday, September 05, 2005

A Better Negro?

Someone told me this might be a better picture ...

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Friday, September 02, 2005

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