Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Cheerleaders Have The Worst Timing

The sports reporter on this video is awesome. Pitch-perfect the whole way through.

Let no one tell you differently. Cheerleaders. They're tough

Adopt Us For Status, Adopt Us For Love

The trend of accessorizing with african babies continues, and this recent essay from the NY Times Modern Love column attempts to give us a little more insight into the cloying psychology. I don't know, obviously I presume the adopters have good selfless intentions, and I would never not applaud someone saving a child's life. But big picture? I'm still torn. I suspect I won't be fully comfortable until we start scooping up some caucasians.

And not just one or two. We need a full out epidemic of black people -- preferably Africans of only a few years of age -- adopting caucasian american adults. I have a dream. Etc, etc.

Too Bad For Me That She Was So Well Loved [Modern Love, NY Times]

Monday, October 29, 2007

Secret Of My Success: Gabe & Max's Internet Thing

I figure after a couple years of soaking up the good life via this blogging thing, I might as well share the system that got me on the fast track to internetting. It took me a while to digest all of Gabe & Max's 430 parts, but now I can look people in the eyes with confidence! It's wonderful!


Friday, October 26, 2007

Is Crack Still Illegal?

Been politicking with my Black Comedy Project peoples, I'm excited to get off the blog-couch and mix it up with them a lil' sumthin'-sumthin' (that's black-speak y'all!). From that crew, Baratunde Thurston just put me up on a sketch team that has been sorely missing from my life, The Message. After checking in with Negro Command, I realized I was the one a little behind in the game, as per usuale, because they've been blessin' folks for a while. HBO apparently pulled the plug on them a few months ago, but now they've reincarnated in an underground-blogspot location.

Here's a sample sketch I enjoyed. The DMX part is my fav, and is now being integrated into regular rotation for normal conversation and such. But I also like how "off" the Snoop voice is, especially compared to DMX.... Anyways, they've got a lot of good stuff, so peep:

Long Live THE MESSAGE [The Message?]

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

While We're At It, Let's Also Bury "Young, Gifted & Black"

Sometimes I think "Young Gifted & Black is a term that haunts us; I'd go so far as to liken it to the n-word. You often find talk about the psychology of the oppressed with black people. How we should, on occasion, sympathize with a lack of motivation, a lack of inertia, because there is no tangible incentive for the oppressed. There is a psychology at play that makes laziness, lack of motivation, fear, a tragic cycle.

But we rarely hear about the "plight" of the smart, intelligent negro. The torment of the talented tenth, if you will ("if you will" being a phrase only used by talented tenth negroes, btw). Aren't they, too, dealing with ramifications of that same psychology? A different strain of disorder, but ultimately the same disease...

When I went away to prep school it was through a program called Prep for Prep. In my experience it's very likely that if you went to prep school, you've heard of the program. Or at the least, one similar to it like ABC (A Better Chance). There are plenty of others now I'm sure. And it's almost become chuckle-worthy how cliché it is to come from one of these feeder programs and be a negro at one of these prestigious expensive prep-schools. You're black, and attending Andover? Oh, well of course you're in Prep, or ABC. Good for you negro!

When you consider the gap between what most negro children were used to when being plucked out of the urban abyss, versus how life is lived at an elite prep school, it really does feel like some Different Strokes ish. Or like being adopted by a celebrity. You're a "Gifted" negro. You're "Special." In the case of these prep school feeder programs, you're special enough to be afforded access to ish a lot of people -- white, black or whatever -- don't get.

For the most part in my come-up through The System, I've never heard about "gifted" or "special" caucasians. Sure you have a handful of exceptionals no matter what, geniuses and what not, but independent of those, the black kids in these schools are all hand-selected "creme de la creme" and are constantly reminded about this. You are The Chosen. And you shoulder a heavy responsibility (i.e. the liberation of the South Bronx). Meanwhile, for the most part, the caucasians mostly seem like kids who could afford to go. Nothing necessarily superlative about them.

On one side, this positive reinforcement is in many cases necessary for those raised amidst negativity swirling all around them. Ultimately what you get at prep school, the primary value, is freedom. Walking around in the Bronx, you're free, but it's a different sort. Prep school is a clean, crisp, brand-new-sheet-of-printer-paper freedom. The Bronx is cheap, used, ripped-out-of-a-notebook-and-not-even-perforated-paper freedom; it's crumpled around the edges. And if you're used to that, then it's important to be reminded that, yes, you are special. You deserve clean printer paper as much as the next person.

On the flip side, there is also a cost. Most pernicious and immediately felt is the growing disaffection for where you came from, and those not as "special." Every pat on the back is to support you, but also undermines your history. Being uprooted is good for everyone except the old pot that's not good/big enough. "You're getting out of here, you're leaving us behind, you're going to make something of yourself. Yay!!!" This is a good thing, right?

Then eventually you come to realize that "Gifted" and "Special" isn't a broadly applicable term that your mother might use. It's actually specifically unique to a bad background/history/area. You're gifted in comparison to these other deadbeat N's. You don't know what size fish you are, all you know is you must have been swimming in the smallest, dirtiest, wackest pond ever.

Through prep school, and subsequently college, this psychology is reinforced with every trip "back to the block." Every summer you return, and there's no grass, or caucasian females frolicking to and fro with nary an apprehensive thought. And you realize how much you were missing ... back then. Of course it also becomes harder to "relate" to your old homies who only know dreams of frolicking caucasian females so close you could literally reach out and caress their supple ... wait, what am I talking about again? Oh yeah: so it turns out ignorance was bliss, and now the loss of ignorance while very enlightening, is also tragic and depressing.

I'll ferret this out more at some point. But this is the sensibility that makes me think people who harp on the "N-word" or a noose are missing the slave-boat a little. There's context to everything and that context means as much as the thing itself. "Young, Gifted & Black" being constantly hammered into your dome can be as much an inhibitor to a young negro's psyche as the N-word. Maybe someone hears the n-word and is inspired to have that never apply to him. And he turns into a mogul-you-love-to-hate like Diddy or Jermaine Dupri. Meanwhile "Gifted" hears it over and over again, and gets lazy and passes the rest of his time writing a self-indulgent blog, never to realize his true potential. *cough*

Maybe the solution is balance: "That is a gifted ni**a right there! Let's give him a book and a noose and hope for the best!"


Monday, October 22, 2007

The Real: Failed Ideas In Hip Hop

This is a funny sketch from some guys who do funny sketches. The Real's latest confection explores "Failed Ideas in Hip Hop." My personal favorite is the only-child cipher. I remember those fondly; I def didn't get the memo on them being classified as "failed." Maybe "old school" is the term you're looking for. The only-child cipher still holds it down. Like BDP. Still #1. Here forever. Etc.

Failed Hip-Hop Ideas from jeff on Vimeo.

From The Noose To The Red Carpet, Let Freedom Ring

Hi there, my caucasian friend. Question: Do you know any black people struggling on their grind, trying to come up so they can get some red carpet shine? You do? Well tell them to buck up, because there's a new opportunity for negro fame and celebrity, and the best part about it is YOU CAN HELP.

All you have to do is buy one of these N-Nooses I'm selling for $8.99, and put it on your friend's doorstep, or perhaps a nearby tree (y'know, the one your friend isn't allowed to use). Tell your friend when he sees the rope and gets over the first wave of depressionin (depressionin = depression due to melanin issues) to call all the rappers in his Top 5, as well as Al Sharpton and the rest of the Negro Mafia. Once informed that you have seen one of my patented ultra-insulting N-Nooses, they will have your friend personally escorted to the next/nearest Black entertainment event so they can floss and get all that negativity out of their system. If your friend is a black male, call now and we'll throw in sex with Kim Kardashian and Vivica Fox too! And if you don't believe this incredible offer, just ask two of the Jena 6 boys who were seen last week basking in the glow of a carpet red from the blood of slaughtered slaves. Can I get a woot-woot!

Those could be your friends too, caucasian. And you know when a white person helps a black person get on, we never forget it! So act now and maybe you'll get broken off some KK or Vivica also. Or at least get a shout-out on the J6 hip hop album ( Making The Band? when it comes out. Holla!

Contact TAN to place your order now*

*void where prohibited. N-Noose may cause emotional/psychological damage, side effects include: nausea, headaches, unprotected sex, sobriety-intolerance, and a generally reckless approach to life.

Random Ridiculousness: BET Hip Hop Awards [Bossip]
hat tip: K

Friday, October 19, 2007

Live Blogging The Torre Press Conference

It's only the most important press conference to happen since God announced he was creating baseball. So I live blogged it for Deadspin.

Surprisingly, not much happened. If Joe wasn't Mr. Classy, maybe something could have popped off, but alas. We all know Joe Torre. But at least I was there to capture every repetitive question. Share in the boredom with me ... there's value in communion, no matter the unworthiness of the event.

Live Blog of Joe Torre Press Conference [Deadspin]

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

When Assimilation Goes Wrong: Negro NASCAR

On Deadspin today, I lay out some of my issues with the NASCAR affirmative-action plan. Here's the intro:

I'm a big fan of diversity and cultural mash-ups: Fried-chicken flavored mayo. Kentucky Fried Couscous. General Tso's Tacos. I plan to invent these. Years ago I voted YES on the "White People Rapping" reform bill, and I continue to lobby for more black bloggers in movie roles opposite Jessica Biel. My record on willy-nilly cultural integration is clear. Nevertheless, after reading about one man's plan for diversifying NASCAR -- his blueprint for Negro NASCAR, if you will -- I was forced to wonder, is all diversity good? Should us minorities be interested in every little cultural apéritif YT has to offer? And, what is NASCAR exactly?

For you to understand my reason for pause, let me lay out this Negro NASCAR fairytale as I understand it:

Part 1: The Dreamer

Setting: A magical fantasy land where NASCAR is "as integral to the fabric of this country as the NFL, the NBA, or Major League Baseball." Weeee! What dreams may come!

Meet Rick Clark, dreamer, a magical wizard visionary who one day hopes to see Blacks and Latinos take an interest in Caucasians driving around in circles really fast.

continued on Deadspin ...

Negro NASCAR [Deadspin]
(visuals provided by: Miss G)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Psycho Mamas, Plinko, and the Urge to Pee On 'The Price Is Right'

I don't know if this is "psycho mama" actually, but seems like she has to be. I don't think there's another occupation she could hold down. It'd be fun if she was a judge or something though:

Monday, October 15, 2007

Cultural Cleanup, Aisle Youtube

Is it just me, or does this video quite obviously rip a hole in the space-time continuum? I thought I might live my whole life and never see an "original idea," but hark! If the question is why, the answer may very well be: youtube

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Star Wars: Revenge of the Trumpet

Best Week Ever found and nailed the analysis of this video. But after reading it, I just don't know if I should clue you in on whether this is really Stupendous, or Stupendously Awful. Seems like the surprise and suspense could be an added bonus. So I guess I'll only say that you definitely want to watch the video below and find out.

UPDATE: I guess a teaser on the laser-blaster pantomime and Charlie Chaplin impression is also necessary. NOW go watch:

SPOILER ALERT: My favorite comment is this one about the dog attacking the computer speakers upon hearing the performance.

Most Amazing Video Of A Girl Playing Star Wars On The Trumpet EVER [BWE]

Inside the Mind of a Delusional Notre Dame Fan

I'm a big NYC homer with all my sports teams. Mets, Knicks, Giants and Rangers cover the four professional sports. I came up as a St. Johns fan for college basketball, and in response to their irrelevance I've given up college bball for the most part.

But college fball, there was never a natural selection. And I think due to the national platform, and style of play I adopted a team far from home, Notre Dame.

I sort of came up with them during Lou Holtz post-National Championship-but-still-good era. Rick Mirer, Jerome Bettis, and Reggie Brooks as the full-house backfield were my first peoples. Derrick Mayes came a little later as a WR I was fond of. And while we weren't Florida St., Miami, Ohio St., or Oklahoma, I was satisfied with an annual top-15 or so team. Teams that maybe, if we could land a stud or two as a recruit, might have enough to go all the way.

And if not a stud or two, then a great coach. Cause with college sports, a great coach can seemingly trump everything. In college you can still control the players like slaves, and if you have a great system and the right style, you can establish a reign of terror. And also land that stud or two. So when Notre Dame hired Tyrone Willingham, a negro coach, and he started like gangbusters, I thought this would be the answer to all my dreams.

See my NYC territorialism had always left me feeling a little guilty when I had to declare Notre Dame as my team. And this was compounded by the stark racism with regards to the hiring of coaches in college fball, and specifically, Notre Dame's clearly complicit status in that regard. Tyrone Willingham was the first negro head coach for Notre Dame in any sport. And he started 8-0. Got an SI "Return to Glory" cover. And won coach of the year awards. This was no affirmative action hire. We had a great coach for Notre Dame, and he was black, I could be doubly proud.

But then it all went south. And Willingham wasn't showing the "great coach" stature. He was ok. But he was fired after going 21-15 overall, and while some cried racism, I thought, no, we're just looking for a higher standard.

Then came Charlie Weis, Notre Dame alum, imported from the championship Patriots. Also a former coordinator with the Giants and Parcells. I approved. This was championship pedigree. And he started like gangbusters as well. And he was doing it with Willingham's inferior talent. This was "The System" we needed. He came in and in one year made Brady Quinn a Heisman contender. Brady Quinn didn't seem super special before, so this seemed like something we could look forward to. Tom Brady QBs year-in and year-out. Top shelf offense. And perennial Top 10 status.

But alas, that appears not to be the case. And after re-signing Weis to a mega-deal, yet faced with a performance at least as miserable as Willingham's, they also have added racist implications if they continue to let Weis hold the fort down.

But I actually agree with sticking it out at this point, they might as well live with Weis and being racist and see how it plays. Hopefully they can turn it around. But it's fairly hard to argue with anyone who wants to laugh at a Notre Dame fan and call them delusional for thinking that way.

And thus endeth the setup for this hilarious video about delusional Notre Dame fans:

Miss Information Hooks You Up With Bacon & Loving

One of the staples over at Nerve is Miss Information's dating advice column. And this week she's celebrating National Pork Month by helping single "best friends" and "bartenders" get "porked."

Now all those words are in quotes because I think ideally she'd hook up someone's best friend, who's also a bartender, and they'd end up getting some porking on, nationally, for a month, or more. But nothing is being held to the letter of the law here; its all in good fun so long as you're wearing your bacon deodorant.

In any case the guidelines for the contest are listed on her myspace blog, along with a couple of the contestants posted this week. So if you want to submit a single friend (or bartender), or yourself, email her at:

In addition to finding love and a bacon wallet (really!), you'll also be featured in a Miss Info column ... and we all know what that means. I dare not speak anymore on the subject.

So once again: Miss Info! Looking for singles! Good times to follow! So go get some action in your (or your friend's) life, and check her out.

Help Your Single Friends Get Porked
[Miss Info Myspace]

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

City Councilman James Oddo Ain't Nothing to F*ck Wit'

City Councilman James Oddo, Republican, blows up on some Norwegian comedy crew here. And it's awesome. Two notes:

1. Oddo represents Staten Island, aka Shaolin home of the Wu-Tang Clan. And I can totally hear the RZA or Ghostface or any of them using the same exact, um, speech patterns.

2. The Norwegian sketch group or whatever it is totally deserves this; they're doing some knock-off version of Borat, and it's not funny. I don't know how they do it in NORWEGIA or whatever, but here in the United States of Shaolin this is what you get when you ask busy people stupid questions.

Go Oddo! Throw those f'ing cameras out the window, son! Beat the f'ing ish out of them, yo! Break those fools! Let them know: Big Joe Oddo ain't nothing to f wit' ...

Now everybody hold a "J" and an "O" in the air while we watch this video.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Which Negro Are You? The Kanye vs. 50 Saga Continues ...

Choosing between Kanye and 50 Cent is not just about record sales, it's a choice we have to make in all sorts of scenarios: Do we need the more physically imposing, alpha-masculine 50 Cent, or do we want thoughtful, in-touch-with-his-femine-side, meta-metrosexual Kanye? There's pros and cons to each, so lets put the Kanye vs. 50 Cent challenge to some tests outside of record sales:

In the supermarket: Having an intimidating presence is helpful at the supermarket. People won't dare skip you in line, and they may even let you go in front of them if you rip your shirt off and perform a song like Amusement Park. If you're the more stylish Kanye, you might have a better chance of charming the market person, but muscles are just as sweet as brains to a girl who has nothing but a cash register to look forward to. In the end, I say physical intimidation is the surest bet to get what you want in most supermarket scenarios. Winner: 50

In Harlem with your white girlfriend:


Monday, October 08, 2007

National Holiday Review Board: Christopher Columbus

This is a little cumbersome, and I'm not big on the Sesame Street feel, but many valid points are made. Chief among them is that Christopher Columbus should be out. If Italian-Americans want a day, or a parade, we can work on that. But CC sounds like he was kind of a loser, certainly not a hero worthy of a holiday.

I think we should have a National Holiday Review Board with public appointees, and they can fix these oversights. Who's the guy who invented pizza? Surely he's as or more deserving than CC. Papa John's Day? Anyways, for now I guess I'll stick with happy murdering-rapist-who-accidentally-landed-somewhere-in-the-vicinity-of-Native America Day!

Happy Columbus Day

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Friday, October 05, 2007

Jewcy: TAN Interviews Julius Lester

I first discovered Julius Lester while in the midst of a James Baldwin moment.

Then I found out he had a blog, and felt compelled to share.

Now I've interviewed this black-jewish renaissance negro author-academic who's probably smarter than you for Jewcy.


Lester had some interesting things to say about negroes and jews, and old[er] folks and new media. Here's the intro, followed by another photo from his portfolio:

As an assimilated negro, Black Jews just tickle my fancy. (Any girls out there who identify as a hybrid of Sarah Silverman and Oprah, call me!) I agree with the writer Julius Lester when he says, “What I find remarkable about Jews: They’re the only ethnic group that seems to care about blacks. At least Jews want to learn.”

I’ve certainly tried to learn a Jewish girl a thing or two on blacks, so I figured Julius Lester might have some words of wisdom for me. I first discovered Lester when I stumbled upon his must-read 1984 New York Times interview with James Baldwin (during which Baldwin exclaimed “Fuck Norman Mailer!” when Lester mentioned the author of “The White Negro”—sadly, the Times struck it from the record.) Besides being an academic and literary star—he's author of over 45 books and a decorated professor emeritus of UMass—Lester also happens to be that most intriguing of exotic birds, a Black Jew. He made a name for himself as a writer, radio commentator, and avowed atheist during the civil rights era, but converted to Judaism in 1982 after years of religious searching (Lovesong, his spiritual memoir, details this journey.)

At 68, Lester is still writing; next spring Harper Collins will publish his novel about lynching, told from the point of view of a 14-year-old white boy. I took to asking him some questions over e-mail...

“Our Lives Do Not Begin With Our Births” [Jewcy]

King-Mag: Read A Book Interview

Been sitting on this interview with the creators of the "Read A Book" video for a minute. Today it runs on King.

I sort of enjoy the King synergy of it all, because the bouncing "book-booties" were def. one of the video highlights, and the "not a magazine" skewering specifically used "Blaxim" as a mag-parody, and no one fits the "Blaxim" description better than King.

And of course King gets the joke, and heeds the message. Unlike some people. Just makes a nice synergy for the interview ... or so I dream while watching R Kelly again and again and again.

So yeah, Read A Book interview ...

(I got a lot more from them also, so might post a Part 2/addendum or something next week maybe.)

Book 'Em [King-Mag]
Read A Book [TAN]

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Real Talk: R Kelly Should Never Have a Non-Singing Conversation Again

There are so many things I want to say about this video, but I think I'd have to sing it for you to understand

via Stereohyped

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

One of These Pics is Oh So Adorable

I wonder how many cute kitties you could fit inside the "Booty Bank"

kitties via Michelle

What Can Browne Sanders Do For You?

If you've followed the Isiah Thomas sexual harassment case at all, then you must check out this Miss Gossip video on "what can browne sanders do for you?" Hilarity ensues and so forth ...

The Real Story of the MSG Legal Disaster
[AOL Fanhouse]

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Cheetos Grow On Trees

This is not breaking news here, but I'm incredibly amused by the "Natural Cheetos" bag.

First off all, I'm always amazed at the gall and audacity of ad/marketing people to completely ignore the notion of consumer intelligence. I think I believe in people too much to hold that type of gig down; one where you'd have an exchange like this:

Ad Boss: Sooooo Cheetos everyone. We need a new spark on that line. What can we do?

Ad Crony #1: We could make Chester the Cheetah rap and dance some more.

Ad Boss: That's good. But we got black people on lock already, just off the cheesy crunchy goodness. So no need to belabor them.

Ad Crony #2: Hmmm, we could make the cheese different colors. Like purple or green.

Ad Boss: Ummm ... maybe. But that might be a turn off. I'll consider it for the holidays though.

Ad Crony #3: We could just make a "Natural" line of Cheetos. It'd be a total lie, obviously Cheetos don't grow on trees, or come from the ground. You'd have to be retarded to think otherwise. In fact, a cheeto is quite possibly the quintessence of artificiality ... but hey, everyone loves "natural" and "organic" these days.

Ad Boss: You're right! People are retarded! "Natural Cheetos" ... ha. Brilliant! Let's do it!

and ... scene

Anycheese, they also added an ear of corn to the bottom. Which I don't get. Are we so strung out on US Farm Americana imagery that all we need to see is an ear of corn on the package to greenlight ingestion? Do they put corn graphics on hot dogs and ice cream also? Or maybe they're just suckering retarded Fritos™ devotees as well? Does anyone get Cheetos for a corn-flavored fix? Why is it not a block of cheese used as the dishonest "natural" graphic?

oh, I see now the first ingredient listed is "organic corn." Ok, that settles that.

Anyways, off to go fill my RDA of vitamins and minerals with a nice big bowl of Cheetos. Taste good, and good for you too.

When The Sex Stopped ...

via AOL Fanhouse

The Mets Are Slightly Better Than Sex With a Cheese Grater.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Kanye Destroys SNL

If you didn't see SNL this weekend, it was hosted by Lebron James with Kanye West as the musical guest. Lebron fumbled the ball a little, Crash & Learn styley, but Kanye kills it. His sketch was easily the best, and then he goes off the dome in his second performance of the night. More on this to come, but here are the vids:

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