Monday, April 30, 1990

Only Lyrics in 1990 Son

I only have song lyrics posted in 1990. If you're looking for those, continue on. If not, go back ... as quickly as possible.

Friday, April 20, 1990

My Name's Not (lyrics)

where's the audio?

hi kids,
do you like your fries big?
see I’m not good with words
but I can turn over my eyelids
like Weird Al
got imitation down to a science
not to mention
I need attention
I thought I'd try this
now on arrival
I'm gonna puncture my vitals
girls think I’m a goat
my love notes are suicidal
I think I’m a mack,
they say I’m wack with a typo
went on a date with Norman Bates,
he called me a Psycho
I tell bad jokes
have no $ to get drugs
see I’m locked in my room,
my best friend is the rug
told Sharpton I was raped by the pope
he gave me a shrug
said "make some dough"
then he’ll bring hope and a hug
I’m gonna coon
and act like a monkey
tell my crew chop me up
feed my ass to a donkey
I’m so obsessed
I vish I vas a honkey
making my voice nasal
so America wants me ....

My Name’s Not ….

battles you’re supposed to win some
but I’m losing them all
mice and roaches kicked me out told me to sleep in the hall
tv’s tell me not to stare,
radios don’t let me hear
toilet said
“no shitting on me, go talk to a chair”
and when I tried the floor said
“no stepping on me anymore”
I rhyme and free-styles
get taken back to the store
I walk in the door
everyone’s starting to snore
It’s midnight New Year’s Eve
I’m at the club with no one awake on the floor
you piss of the world?
at least you get a reaction
my joints play in spas
cause they’re mild and relaxing
jim Crow would say I’m wack
2/5 of a fraction
prayed to be an athlete
now both feet needing Tinactin
I’m just asking
What’s a brother to do?
I’m inspired by Future Sound
and y'all not having a clue
a little something
from the Blue Room crew
get with us
and you could be down too – BUT

My Name’s Not ….

stop the tune
this dude’s an imitating buffoon
don’t just stand there
do something soon
is it Blue Room
or the Temple of Doom
told my pops I was gonna rap or die
he got me a tomb
you rapper rebels
y'all prove everyone wrong
seems like we’ve never seen anger
expressed in a song
cause when I get edgy
I just volcano the bong
used to get so many wedgies
I started wearing a thong
speaking of - I’m jelly
cause Brittany Murphy’s the ish...

Thursday, April 19, 1990

TAN's 21 Questions

where's the audio?

New York City …
you are now rallying …
with The Assimilated

when I blog sometimes I twist the la
write posts on my I-book g5
it’s all white, like these girls that’s on my jock
I don’t know son, it makes no sense to me
hope you got everything you need cause I
am so broke it might even make you cry
I got some questions that I gotta ask and I
don’t give a fcuk what you give as an answer baby

It’s easy to love TAN
But what if I’m not a brand
Just a man
Would you still have love for me
Can you get me a Ketel-cran?
The official drink of TAN
So scram
And show your love for me

Verse 1

if I got AIDS tomorrow
would you still touch me?
if I lost both my arms
would you still hug me?
if I got knocked into a coma for half a century
could I count on you to still have respect for me mentally?
if I killed the prez
i’m on the run from the feds
would you mind wearing a beard
and growing some dreds?
if I give you a black eye
you wearing glasses to hide?
if you caught me cheating
would you let it slide?
if I got you a fake bag for $5.99
are you giving me head
or starting to whine?
what if you work a tough job
straight walking with blisters
while I’m home, unemployed
banging your sister?
if I bite off your tongue
would you bite back???
if I nut in your eye
would you wipe that???
I could piss in your mouth
you know a nightcap???
might pass a little gass
I know you like that ...


Wednesday, April 18, 1990

Blogging All Over NY

BLogging All OVer New York (Lyrics)

where's the audio


they act like stars
dodgeballing at the back of the bar
you know who we are
cause we’re blogging all over new york

all over new york baby
center of the universe
the blogging here is so crazy right now
that’s why, when I see a girl
i walk right over to her
i’m like yo …

waddup girl, I’m a blogger
assimilated negro looking for fodder
and I’m not your average ipodder
kicking some game
you know my shit’s smart, funny,
plus a little insane
see TAN is running this town
and if you got some wi-fi
I could show you around
that’s why anywhere online
you’ll be thinking of me
there's so many blogrolls with people linking to me
they really digging my shit
guys want to get me drinks
girls show me their tits
I’m fueled by NY
can’t fuck with the sticks
trying to hit these hipster chicks
in the basement of Lit
the assimilated negro dot com
I swear it
now you know the URL
go share it
make sure you tell them how your boy got flows
scripts and videos
Gonna …


you hear the song so dance
go on and shake your ass like monkeys up in your pants
cause see me
I’m blogging in 3-d
popping out like titties on an IJC
word, my words overheard on the streets
where they bump my nerve shit
from the curb to the beach
but you can reach me downtown
with that smart-ass banter
talking shit, taking shots with the copyranter
this is what we do now
these real New Yorkers
know your blog ain’t shit
until it’s linked on gawkerthat’s how I shake it up
get the dough and rake it up
beefing on the street
you bretter break it up
gonna need some taping up
smelling salts for waking up
stories that I tell
you can’t make it up
this is live no satellite
flow so satin-like
for my sharp tongue young manhattanites

(sketch break)

Verse 3

Tuesday, April 17, 1990

Road To Nowhere (lyrics)

Road To Nowhere (lyrics)

where's the audio

We’re on the road to nowhere
Is that a real place?
Don’t know and I don’t care
I’m just flowing
So when they ask where I’m going
Where you going?
Tell ‘em I was on the road to nowhere

so I stick my thumb out
only to be picked up
by six chicks in a pick up
screaming they love d*ck and liquor
“d*ck and liquor !!!”
dream come true
you know my flame don’t flicker
not gonna say what it was
but something was getting thicker
one stole a glance
said, “is that a mic in your pants”
“or you just amped
for the chance
to act flirty and dirty dance”
and I was like,
“you girls are puuurrty, but I can’t front
that is a microphone in my pants”
but go ahead, grab it
you’re all welcome to spit a verse
plus I can do some beatbox if you want to rehearse
who’s up first?
I don’t care if you’re crappy
if you give me a lift I’ll have each one of you rapping
plus I got some other shit
that should make each of you happy
in my bag I got E, weed, and salt water taffy
the driver said, “taffy? nice”
“that’ll suffice”
“girls make room, we found lucky seven tonight”

We’re on the road to nowhere
Is that a real place?
Don’t know and I don’t care
I’m just flowing
So when they ask where I’m going
Where you going?
Tell ‘em I was on the road to nowhere

so you ladies ever wonder why the number seven is so lucky?
one leaned over and said “shut up and just f*ck me”
you? Me? Now? Here in the truck?
what about your friends?
“don't worry, we like watching each other fuck
so what’s up?”
no doubt mama
run them drawers, no comma
“damn, you need a trim”
“pu**y looking like osama
I guess I’m looking for weapons of mass destruction
start rubbing on her spot
gave the titties a little suction
"conjunction junction, we have a malfunction"
actually everything’s ok just wanted to say that
since the days of way back
now back to the saga
in the back stroking a girl who looks like Jessica Alba
and you know I don’t pass a chance
to make a little funny
I said, damn you look good
bet that pu**y tastes like honey
slide back, besides that
we want d*ck and liquor ni**a
we're sick of your wisecracks

We’re on the road to nowhere
Is that a real place?
Don’t know and I don’t care
I’m just flowing
So when they ask where I’m going
Where you going?
Tell ‘em I was on the road to nowhere

so where we at?
that’s right, the road with nowhere to go
oh dear the flow
got these girls near the o
on their tits smearing blow
put my #@@# near the hole
then I get to grinding
six broads minus the one driving
most important number?
one ni**a rhyming
got these virgins throwing their hymens
trying to f*ck up my timing
so I take a breath …..
tell the driver – wait a sec
looked around outside, said next exit make a left
driver said, come on we not dropping you off
better get your ass up here and start topping me off
I said I’m gonna need some time if you want me to go again
she said, you’re out of time
and started peeling off her skin
I said ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh
I see what you mean
I think I’m gonna go
just blow this whole scene
and then another one appeared
popped out of her spleen
and it had two big pinchers
but this wasn’t a dream
so I reached for my phone
to call one of my team
and she knocked it out my hand
and said, what are you kidding?
why would I let you call for help?
I said my bad
but can you work with me
I got to pull this on beat
otherwise it’s just some alternative hip hop def poetry jam bullshit
not the raw deal to make niggas pull shit
throwing chairs smashing poolsticks
oh sh*t
someone tell me the rules quick

On the road to nowhere
Is that a real place?
Don’t know and I don’t care
I’m just flowing
So when they ask where I’m going
Where you going?
Tell ‘em I was on the road to nowhere ...

Sunday, April 08, 1990

TAN Drunkcast (lyrics)

where's the audio???

what’s black and white
and heard all over?
TAN, Girlspoke
and ain’t no one sober
the Drunkcast
TAN, lexie, and meme
some drunk ass shit
it's too sexy for tv
you know my punk ass
must be next to a genie
to have one pouring wine
the other touching my wee-wee
these girls are so fine
my mind don’t wanna believe me
sex is getting steamy
scene's dreamy ...
dreamy …

who is he?
I’m like the online Diddy
feel the hop
my blogspot
got a hot new ditty
laptops in the promised land
to Nu Gawk City
all saying TAN’s the shit
other blogs are shitty

where the girls talk smart
and keep their blogs real pretty
i’m through the door
and four
go manicure their kitty
who got the nerve to get witty
for krucoff
or fiddy
it’s the man and the brand
named TAN
Now who’s with me?

RIP Richard Pryor

holla at girlspoke

Saturday, April 07, 1990

Vitaminwater/Snap (lyrics)

hold up son. where's the audio.

what’s the formula yo?
it’s formula 5-0
prepare to dance
for enhanced h-2-o
yo, from Glaceau
little more than a peso
drop it like it’s hot
drink it when we say so


hip-hop nation
prepare for hydration
you know Jor-El done crept into the station
and I got my VitaminWater
better than the kind that you’re bored of
if you know the time you won’t stop the recorder
cause we’re keeping a tape of
this here caper
like Glaceau I make paper
off of distilled vapor
in ’96 they got they shit off
swallowed what they bit off
now everyone’s a ripoff
of Darius Bikoff
I didn’t stutter or hic-cough
leave competitors pissed off
the water make ni&&as bust
and mami's rub their tits off
-- the rhyme piecing like a jigsaw
your whole brand getting carried like a rickshaw
just a marketing rap
I won’t even get sore
for sure the name Snap
expect the best and get more
but back to the beverage
for a little leverage at the bar
i told the girl it was nutrient enhanced
yo, she put her booty in my hands ….
and I was like JEEAAAHHH (this shit works)!


Thursday, April 05, 1990



(me no read good, need audio)

a blog-rapper for hire
TAN's a sign of the times
like "Temp Blogger Fired!"
story found in The Times
we compared pens to swords
now its blogs and ak's
when they put my man A.K.
on permanent vaca
heard he got canned
had to make him a jam
he probably prayed to god
has to settle for TAN
and I arrive bearing wise words
a flow so crafty
told him, jobs are like girls
and yours was Konde Nasty
nah, she not classy
[her] armpits look grassy
wouldn't kiss her ass
covered in salt water taffy
they're crusty and nasty
hipsters call 'em crasty
these mags [that]
can you for laughing
or scratching your ass -
word to hizzy
y'all know TAN gets busy
girls in my press room
wondering who is he
it's the man who knocks your boots off
this one is for krucoff
let's have gawker throw the party
where we tear the fucking roof off

In the motherf*cking house:

The Blue Room

Gawk City
Hip Hop (is everywhere)


RIP Spinachdip NYC (and I know you're not really dead)

word to hizzy

Tuesday, April 03, 1990

Got Some Nerve? (lyrics)

Got Some Nerve?

I can't read, where's the audio?

one time for your mind
two times for the show
third time's for the pride
so the fourth is for the dough
my journalism gonzo
sharper than a Hanzo
without warning
i'll leave you mourning like Alonzotoo hot to handle
ruthless, I run sh*t like Rufus Griscom
so come on into the shit storm
swarms of diphthongs
who else got the goods
plus a pitch that’s this strong?
[I] mix songs quickly
with flair for Whitneymake her toes curl
and the hair get prickly
make the spot feel tickly
[you] gonna think I’m a stalker
[when I’m] cutting out her clips in the Times and New Yorker
yo even in a walker
I’m sexual harassin'
my thoughts about Sarah Harrison
are more than embarrassin'
and girls say I’m on some ideal man sh*t
tell Ada I don’t care
unless they say it in Sanskrit
i’m too old for all that making the band sh*t
i’m on some freelance sh*t
measure my cubby in bandwidth
back to the point:
you ladies here in my apartment
[where] I want you to leave Gear
like you're Michael Martin
and I’m hoping for disrobin'
left a spot open for Tobin
rhyme provokin'
which line you quotin'
when Blue Room gets with

Monday, April 02, 1990

Dodgeball Lyrics

I can't believe I was writing this stuff back in 1990.

Rather prescient of me.


no thanks, I prefer audio

It's not for couch potatoes
sitting home w/ wife
it’s a techno-tornado
bring your phone to life
they call it Dodgeball
who the fuck knows why
I just know the shit connects
and not just online
that means the girls are real live
looking for real guys
not lies behind a screen
with dreams they can’t realize --
you can’t touch us
sending girlies crushes
texting @ the bar
when they boyfriends rush us
everyone for ten blocks
know we caused a ruckus
guys cuss us
when they see their girls get blushes
wish she’d stop talking
all she does is gushes
“I don’t know about the song – but his lips are luscious”
a mobile menace
from Alex and Dennis
and when the ipo blows
might make Trump the apprentice
we’re here now
but the future sent us
and no, it’s not football, NBA or tennis (that)

I’m playing
He’s playing
She’s playing

2nd verse

now we playing with the big dogs
since the sale to Google
we make guys grab their d*cks
chi-chis grab their poodles
cause we’re making real plans
while other cats just doodle
and the college kids use us more than Ramen noodles
so now we’re moogles
wait – I meant mogul
from sprint to t-mobile
communicate to the global
we spread across the country
while our comp. is local
Dennis is out six nights
man that dude is loco
so pour the SoCo
drink one for the boys
only place you find Alex
at the Magician, or Floyd’s
it’s something from nothing
filling a void
program is so enhanced
it should be tested for ‘roids
it’s Jor-El, Blue Room
I just wanna be down
rapper, journalist
renaissance man of the town
and my pitch like Pedro
when I"m toeing the mound
so when I say so
just shake your ass to the sound
(that goes …)

I’m playing
He’s playing
She’s playing

Sunday, April 01, 1990

Gawk At This (lyrics)

Some bloggers think they're so smart. But I wrote this on April Fool's Day in 1990, so you folks are shit-going-uphill compared to the TAN-Man. In fact I wrote this when Jessica was still just a little snark dishing out monotonously sadistic comments about her family and friends up to twelve times a day. Only difference is then the lightning rods were My Pretty Pony instead of Paris Hilton. And Care Bears instead of Kate Moss.

Gawk At This (lyrics)

ummm, I can't read, where's the audio?

G is for the gossip
A is for showing your ass
W is for whatever
So the K is for Kash
E is for the er … uh ..
bloggity blah
no duh
*snark snark*
"see you after the jump."
but can I get a little bump ...
*I don't know what this sound is*
now I’m pumped to slam dunk
wannabe blog-chumps
you'll look a little too chunky
smell a little too funky
you girls sound drunk
trunk’s a little too junky
while I’m hunky
spaced off
feeling kind of spunky
so when I say Kate Moss
you'll say coke junkie
*cough cough*
Kate you know we love you
we wouldn’t be the toast if skin and bones stayed out of trouble
cause it’s gawker-stalker
popping the corkers
fat stackscause all our trackbacks need a walker
this is full throttle
hip hop for models
the kind who look good, roll, and drink half the bottle
make you change your mottos
think you hit the lotto
when they grab you and say “fuck me” in a voce sotto
got the melanin flowing
for Jessica Coen
girl where you heading?
I’m going …

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