Devil's Advocate: Global Warming

In my 100 things list I submit that I can argue for or against any position, except pro-Bush.

I also recently started a column for "Player Magazine" called "The Devil's Publicist." (pick up my first issue May 2nd)

So with that in mind I'm starting a regular "Devil's Advocate" feature on TAN. Using the blog to explore ideas for the print column. I hope the idea/premise is self-explanatory.

We're going to start with the subject of global warming. To which I say:

If You Can’t Take The Heat, Get Off Of The Planet

I’ve decided I’m pro global warming.

This is not to say I'm suspicious of the idea and its purported consequences. I do believe human activities are responsible for an increase in global temperature. I also believe the temperature increase is causing damage to our natural environment. I believe the planet is warming, and I believe that warming is indicative of our parasitic effect on the world around us. We are in fact destroying our world. I believe that wholeheartedly. And I'm down with the program.

Ultimately, what I’ve decided is that I also believe in people. I’m pro human. And the basis of my decision is that I support people, more than I support “the globe.” I’m not going to be coy about it anymore. Fuck the world! Not the people mind you, but the world. I mean, I don’t technically DESIRE for the world to go bye-bye, but if it’s us or the world in a steel-cage deathmatch, then hasta la vista planet. I’ll take my chances on Mars. I believe in people that much.

Frankly, if we want to destroy the world, that is our fucking volition. Those who can, do. Those who can't, hold protest rallies and sign petitions. Until this glorious day I didn’t understand the genius of George Bush. We mock him, but really we just don’t understand him, we don’t comprehend his genius. He’s a modern day Nietzsche. Will To Fucking Power. Fuck You, I Am America, Hear Me Roar!! We could learn something from that. We have to believe in ourselves. No matter how egregious the error, we can overcome it.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. I ain’t scared of no “hot planet.” As far as I’m concerned if this Global Warming really takes off, all that’s going to happen is a new "Super-Hottt" remix of the Nelly song,“It’s Getting Hot In Here.” Then maybe microwave technology will be put in a time capsule and laughed at. And the guys who walk on hot coals will become best selling authors and consultants. The point being … we can handle it. We’ve got our media, we’ve got our computers, we’ve got ourselves. We have our brains, our desire, our will power. We have porn. We have the New York Mets. We have all sort of drugs. To be afraid of global warming is to be afraid of a challenge. You think Pfizer can't come up with a pill to help us cope with global warming? Who knows what form evolution will take. All we really need is a vision of the future that incorporates global warming. For example, no more turtlenecks, Northface puffy jackets, or UGGS boots.

What if, instead of using all our research and development to figure out alternative fuel, we use it to research and prepare for living in a world with a hot-ass environment. So what if the jungle becomes a swamp? And the swamp becomes, I don’t know, something worse than a swamp. So what? If some animals die, so what? Species have ceased to exist before. Others have continued on. Do we really miss the Dodo bird? What worldview is this where I have to concern myself with saving some cute furry creature who’s to stupid to get a real job and move out the forest. They’re supposed to be excused because they’re animals?? We live in a world where we prioritize personal responsibility and accountability. So I say, handle your business cute furry animal, or become gloves, … or a fur-lined condom.

We must expand our horizons. Change happens. And the beauty of life is we don’t know exactly what will change, and what the ramifications will be. But we always adapt. Holocausts, World Wars, Slavery, we’ve survived those natural disasters. We can laser fat, clone, and transplant faces. We can't handle a little heat?

We have to trust our instincts. Sure we want to think about our actions, and try to make wise decisions. And I can certainly understand people thinking the destruction of our planet is a little short-sighted. But we also want to be diligent about maintaining a perspective that doesn’t shortchange our own potential. To be afraid of global warming lacks ambition. The greater the challenge, the greater the reward.

What if we warm the globe, and because our bodies can’t stand the heat it inspires us to mentally project ourselves into some new "cooler" dimension. Thus global warming would have brought upon a new era of human existence. Sometimes when evil busts a nut, good comes of it (holla!).

If global warming becomes an immediate danger to our existence, then we will naturally combat it. We have it on our radar now. It's not going to surprise us. And even if it does surprise us and wipe a bunch of us out. Then hey, lesson learned. Mistakes are part of the process. Obviously a few of us will stick around to repop the planet. And if you look like Jake Gyllenhaal your odds are a little better than the rest of us.

I say bring it all on!! Bring on global warming, bring on AIDS, bring on obnoxious hipsters. There is no mountain we can’t climb. If the above happens, we adapt, evolve and become self-cooling, AIDS-repellent obnoxious-hipster killers. RARRRR!! And guess what, if you don't have faith, if you're scared, then you deserve to die from overexposure to UV rays like the little pansy you are.

Natural selection baby. We're taking evolution into our own hands. And if you can't take the heat, you WILL get off of the planet. One way or another.

Thus spach TANathustra.