Monday, May 01, 2006

TAN & The Bartending Muse (Intro/Day 1)

So there’s this bartender, and as fate would have it, she works at a bar. One might even go so far as to say she "tends the bar" at this bar, making it just a wee bit ironic that she's called a "bartender".

I would tell you the bar, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the paparazzi mess this one up.

Anyhäagen, I seem to have developed some sort of crush on this bartendress.

Now I’m not a player, I just crush a lot
… so, you know, whatevs, it’s not a huge deal. Ain't no thing but a chicken wing you dig. I ain't trippin', it's all good in the hood. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps at this petty pace, knahmean? But I was struck by the fact that it’s not a specific image of her that is distracting me, it’s more the idea of her. And thus I have decided to dub her The Bartending Muse, and chronicle my pursuit/stalking/wooing of her.

It might last four days (I’m writing this having already been through three non-consecutive “mission days”), it might last four months. It’s kind of like the movie My Date With Drew except, it’s not a movie, and there’s no Drew, and the main guy is black, not white. There are other discrepancies.

Now I first interacted with this bartender a couple weekends ago, and she keeps popping up in my head (again, not her, but the whole notion of wooing a bartender). She’s a cute girl, but not the hottest bartender on the planet by any means (yes this line is planted specifically for your ego if you happen to read this). I’ve seen girls more physically stunning (this one too). And I don’t have a history of fixating on bartenders. I might discreetly ogle (if an ogle can be discreet) at the bar, but my mind doesn’t usually loiter for this long. In fact this might be the first time I’ve recalled a bartender after 24 hours.

So a couple weeks in now, I’ve decided to “diarize” my progress here on TAN. And even though this could start today and end tomorrow (if, for example, she happened on my blog, recognized me and e-mailed me to stop stalking her), I expect that this journey will open up new lushly-layered vistas on life, love, and lust for ladies and liars alike. There will also be lemmings, lasers, and limericks. Maybe a lantern. And a lasso. If nothing else we should be more familiar with the Do's and Dont's in lassoing (see, told you) a hot bartendress.

So go ahead and order a Ketel and Cranberry, fire up those lanterns, and let's dive in...


I know every guy thinks the bartender loves them, I know this. But I think there's a connection here. I can sense it dammit, ... she likes the ol' TANeroni. It’s not like the girl licked her nipple for me or anything. She was affable. She served my drinks with a smile and pleasant disposition. When I actually think about it, it was pretty standard behavior for a bartender-drunk relationship. It just so happens that such behavior is more than enough to leave me confident Little Miss Bartender (L.M.B) wants to be Miss Assimilated Negro (M.A.N). If only for the better, cutting edge, multi-faceted acronym.

But really folks, I do think there was a little more than the standard bartender-drunk rapport. Not a lot mind you, but a little. I have two primary pieces of evidence. As Exhibit A I submit her enthusiastic playing along with my hand signal game to order drinks ( I had to order using sign language). For Exhibit B I submit her pro-actively expressing her displeasure when I ordered from a different bartender. (and yes, this written retelling is the extent of my "exhibit")

Again, it’s not licking her nipple, but a little territorial action is something to work with.

Unfortunately, on this day, I am also otherwise occupied with a crew of people. I am only able to engage briefly when ordering at the bar. No time for really testing the terrain.

BUT … I do ask about her work schedule. And she tells me. So that's a little nub to work with also. And so I plan to come by and see her again, when I can focus more on the task at hand.

And as it turns out Day 2 would indeed provide some quality time and plot thickener ...

On to Day 2 in TAN and The Bartending Muse chronicles


  1. Anonymous5/01/2006

    you better hurry up and put up Day Two TAN.

  2. As this is the internet, allow me to be the first to say....


  3. Anonymous5/01/2006

    I want to be M.A.N! - I bet you could have a whole MAN pageant....just a thought

  4. That was really fun to read TAN, nice to hear the other side of the story. Um, I am a bartender, so that also makes it fun to read.

    You probably don't want to hear this but, why not just ask her out?

    I know, no poetry, no angst, what if she declines, then not only do you lose a potential date, but also a crush. And crushes are fun to have.

    Looking forward to more...

    (oh and since you were so intriqued by my photos of hunting wabbits, I posted some more urban wildlife for you from here in Chicago)


  5. Yeah I'm in on THe M.A.N. competition.

    but i like this chronicling idea.

  6. Anonymous5/01/2006

    I've often thought about approaching bartenders, and I never get around to it. it seems so futile, I'll be interested to see how you handle it ...

  7. rafi - no pics, just yet ...

    minx - i haven't gotten the story up to date yet, but i'm not admiring from a far. day two brings interaction ...

  8. Anonymous5/01/2006

    this ones a tough call . . . stalker or friendly drunk . . . for the record, raising ones index finger and thinking its sign language is simply a reach . . . but when words fail you, like when you know they will tumple out all askew . . . raising the index and nodding while squinting (for focus, more than flirtation) is about all a guy can muster. The schedule is an easy way to relay when-she-has-license-to-the-tip-jar. You focusing on her allows permits her to leverage the moment, so to speak, thereby expanding her world, you are tipping on the up side, right?

  9. "You probably don't want to hear this but, why not just ask her out?"
    --candy minx

    But how would this protracted and contrived romantic saga be dragged out for days and days of written material? No, asking her out, that's too easy. Please, stalk away.

    Good luck with that, I'm sure this connection is real...

  10. Yeah, asking her out, at least before we hear about the restraining order, would be bad....

  11. Yeah, but can she make a drink?

  12. Just please tell me that you're making good use of the Almay mask before you head out to the bar.

  13. I saw what happened, I don't think she was flirting with you. You were fucking drunk that night. It's my bar, don't dirty it up with your whoring around.

  14. I dirtied my sheets once from whoring around. I was alone.

  15. Really rare things on this site


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