Tuesday, May 02, 2006

TAN Goes Glossy

So TAN makes his debut in the glossy magazine world today.

Avery Cardoza's Player.
It's what the cool kids read to stay cool [poor tag-line mine]

I always wanted to write for a magazine that had someone's name written in a nice small cursive over it in the upper left-hand corner. Or in this case, the smaller vertical type on the left. That design always gives a cover a little extra punch. Seriously. Don't you think?

Rumors about me being the first black man to write for a glossy magazine are false. I think the first guy's name is Arthur Ashe. Or maybe Medgar Evers. Some sh*t like that. I think I'm actually the 16th negro to write for a glossy.... but who's counting right?

Also, rumors about me killing myself for the byline are false.
But I do have to kill an important public figure in order to get paid. Apparently it's payment upon assassination. *rimshot*

(that was a "magazine world insider" joke, if you don't write for glossy mags like me you probably won't get it. sorry. don't take it personal. it's just way too complicated to explain all the details of what it's like writing for these magazines. It would take, like, five blogs posting non-stop for five decades to tell you enough information that would allow you to get the joke. But, like, Chuck Klosterman would get it. Cause me and him write columns for glossy magazines. Anyways, the joke is really funny, trust me.)

You can check out some of the mag online. But obviously it doesn't fully translate until you have the non-stolen glossy pages in your hands.

My column is: The Devil's Publicist ... unfortunately I couldn't get the TAN byline, and I didn't make the cover, nor did I sleep with Jessica Biel in the sink (she's not in the magazine). But I'm paying some dues and working on that.

And speaking of racism, whenever I tell people the name of the magazine, they always ask me if it's "Playa" or "Player" ... but the evolutionary cycle of the black man dictates that I currently find such racist banter highly amusing. Yet somehow I don't think they'd "double-check" the spelling/pronunciation of the magazine if I looked like this.

And while I'm doing all this ranting about global warming, I'd also like to thank the good folks over at The Gawk, which I believe is how this editor found me. Don't let anyone say that Gawker never inadvertently helped out a black guy. And for all you bloggers plucking the individual hairs off Jesse or Nick or Lock's ass for a little exposure -- you should know, it's all worth it.

*triumphantly raises single strand of ass-hair to the sky*
*cue single solitary tear*

So very, very worth it.


  1. Congrats, Patrice!

    The article is great! Not that I read it online, of course, I rushed out and bought a copy....ok, I'm lying, but the article is great. Loved the quote from "The Usual Suspects," one of my alltime favorite movies.

  2. I'd like to write for a real magazine. I'd be doing pretty much what I'm doing now except gettin' paid for it. I mean, I'd rather star in porn films with Jenna Jameson, but if that doesn't work out, then writing for glossys would be a very distant second.

  3. TAN, nice piece. I can't believe you have a column now. I remember when yo uwere just delivering standing ovation-worthy speeches at Choate to become class president. Now this.

    I hear columns pay well, is that true? Drinks on you?

  4. Anonymous5/02/2006

    congratulations TAN. of all the blogs I read, you're one of the few that have a voice I would like to see in print. keep up the good work

  5. nice work TAN, I too want to write for a mag. this gives a little inspiration.

  6. Hey Congrats thats really cool!

  7. This is going to go a long way toward helping you with your under-developed ego problem!!

    Seriously, congratulations! You deserve it and I hope you take the magazine world by storm.

  8. Anonymous5/02/2006

    go TAN, it's your birthday

  9. Nice..

    Keep up the great writing.

  10. Shit, Lockhart told you about "Ass hair Fridays"?

  11. Anonymous12/17/2006

    How is asking if it's "Player" or "Playa" racist?

  12. Anonymous7/10/2007

    Just the use of your plural "anyways," discredits you to no extent. There is just one anyway. It's publishers like you who discredit all that is english worthy. Learn how to write then I may take your writings to mean something.


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