TAN Goes Glossy

So TAN makes his debut in the glossy magazine world today.

Avery Cardoza's Player.
It's what the cool kids read to stay cool [poor tag-line mine]

I always wanted to write for a magazine that had someone's name written in a nice small cursive over it in the upper left-hand corner. Or in this case, the smaller vertical type on the left. That design always gives a cover a little extra punch. Seriously. Don't you think?

Rumors about me being the first black man to write for a glossy magazine are false. I think the first guy's name is Arthur Ashe. Or maybe Medgar Evers. Some sh*t like that. I think I'm actually the 16th negro to write for a glossy.... but who's counting right?

Also, rumors about me killing myself for the byline are false. But I do have to kill an important public figure in order to get paid. Apparently it's payment upon assassination. *rimshot*

(that was a "magazine world insider" joke, if you don't write for glossy mags like me you probably won't get it. sorry. don't take it personal. it's just way too complicated to explain all the details of what it's like writing for these magazines. It would take, like, five blogs posting non-stop for five decades to tell you enough information that would allow you to get the joke. But, like, Chuck Klosterman would get it. Cause me and him write columns for glossy magazines. Anyways, the joke is really funny, trust me.)

You can check out some of the mag online. But obviously it doesn't fully translate until you have the non-stolen glossy pages in your hands.

My column is: The Devil's Publicist ... unfortunately I couldn't get the TAN byline, and I didn't make the cover, nor did I sleep with Jessica Biel in the sink (she's not in the magazine). But I'm paying some dues and working on that.

And speaking of racism, whenever I tell people the name of the magazine, they always ask me if it's "Playa" or "Player" ... but the evolutionary cycle of the black man dictates that I currently find such racist banter highly amusing. Yet somehow I don't think they'd "double-check" the spelling/pronunciation of the magazine if I looked like this.


And while I'm doing all this ranting about global warming, I'd also like to thank the good folks over at The Gawk, which I believe is how this editor found me. Don't let anyone say that Gawker never inadvertently helped out a black guy. And for all you bloggers plucking the individual hairs off Jesse or Nick or Lock's ass for a little exposure -- you should know, it's all worth it.

*triumphantly raises single strand of ass-hair to the sky*
*cue single solitary tear*

So very, very worth it.