Monday, December 11, 2006

A Portrait of The Artist As A Young Booty Dancer

Great artists are at their peak when: 1. They have great tools, 2. They know how to use them.

So it figures that women maximize their potential when: 1. They have a great booty, 2. They know how to use it.

Well guys and gals, with regards to the first directive, the NY Times kindly informs us that psychologist David A. Holmes has come up with an equation to measure the perfect female posterior. This renders him immediately eligible for a Nobel Prize and inclusion in the Pantheon of Epically and Monumentally Important Supermen(PEMIS).

Holmes' formula is:
(S + C) x (B + F)/T - V = X(Booty Factor)
(earlier report on boingboing lists equation as (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V)

S = Overall Shape (“including tendency to droop”)
C = Circularity, B = Bounce Factor (not to be confused with “wobble”)
F = Firmness (with perfect being “like a comfy bed”)
T = Skin Texture
V = Vertical Ratio (the goal: “on the top-heavy side of symmetrical”)

Holmes showcases an amusingly incisive understanding of the human condition,
"... because you can dress yourself up in a suit, you can put on your makeup and cover up all of nature’s ills and pretend you’re in great shape, but if you stand naked and stare backward into the mirror, you have to confront reality.”
Ahh yes, stare into the abyss and the abyss stares back at you. Indeed, I often find myself provoked to tears when a backwards glance at the mirror forces me to consider the plight of my dimpled meaningless existence.

But I digress...

Most great artists understand that: 1. Tools are nice, 2. Great skill makes up for modest tools.

And so it figures that for females: 1. A booty is nice, 2. Superior booty skills can balance out an inferior booty. As with the average-sized penis, no one cares about the physical dimensions if your skills are genius.

To demonstrate we have video of a gifted artist/female. For the woman seeking perspective on how her abilities stack up, this performance serves as a seminal *cough*, benchmark demonstration of skillsSKILLZ. Master this routine and you master the world. And for the man who thinks sexual boredom is an inevitability on par with death and taxes, I invite you to bear witness to a living, breathing, 100-position appendix to the Kama Sutra. Her name is Junko, she is a dancer, she is a god. She's an artist who has the tools, and knows how to use them. We shall all worship at the altar of her semi-NSFW greatness (ascent into godly plane starts around 1:30 mark):

Junko's MySpace [Myspace]
Tushology [NYTimes Magazine]


  1. Anonymous12/11/2006

    F*ck a "harajuka girl"...That sh!t was bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

  2. wow. I'm sort of speechless. not an easy thing to do.

  3. Anonymous12/11/2006

    She's ok. I don't know if her actual booty is all that though.

  4. ella - you jealous?

    anon - word, she should have been in the gwen stefani video.

    choatey - indeed. it's better to just watch the performance

    anon2 - i don't know. her skill makes the rating of her booty irrelevant. it's obviously not a BAD booty.

  5. nope. i have other skills.

    but more pfft-ed at this sentence:

    "So it figures that women maximize their potential when: 1. They have a great booty, 2. They know how to use it."

  6. Junko has no ass. She's a great acrobat and would do well in a freaky Cirque du Soleil but she has no ass!! Being able to shake the tops of one's thighs, while certainly harder, does not a good booty make. If you can't make it clap, you ain't doing nothing.

    But then again, I'm the type who could care less how great a man's "skills" are if he has a baby-dick. If I can't feel it, what good are the skills? Similarly, if I can't see the ass, what good is it??

  7. I don't think you could handle her TAN. She's got snap-back action for days. Better step your game up.

  8. I ran a quick search and learned:

    "No results match your search for 'dancehall workout' in"

    Not yet, anyway. The DVD MUST be forthcoming. Looks to be a much better workout than pole dancing.

  9. "'There is a massive — and I mean massive — disagreement among the public between the larger, motherly, 1950s womanly bum and the impossible small, pert, athletic, rounded one,' says Holmes."

    In other words, some folks like more Junko in the trunk than others.

  10. Whenever I wear my animal pelt panties, I feel like doing the Flying Fish too.

  11. Hmm... I don't know what to do with this information...doesn't this fall under your last post? Kinda sorta...In a way?

  12. That's not dancing, that's gymnastics, and she has no butt. And as far as " one cares about the physical dimensions if your skills are genius..." is concerned, many women as well as gay men would strongly disagree with that notion. But hey, what's a little objectifying between friends?

  13. I'll give her points for high energy. But the ass was lacking, and the routine was a little crazy. It was like booty dancin' for ADHD kids.

    And what was up with that dead racoon strapped to her bikini?

  14. Man, you Americans are always so late to the game.

    Junko was a dancehall queen a while back, and while quite skilled, her moves are somewhat limited and lacking in a certain panache.

    The new crop of Jamaicans are much better imho.

  15. Anonymous12/12/2006

    This whole discussion killed me. Thank you.

    P.S. Where is Junko's booty?

  16. Anonymous12/12/2006

    crazy? fine. sexy? not so much.

  17. ella - pfft

    ae38 - well that's why we also have the booty formula listed. I don't htink clappability is the sole defining characteristic.

    d - I'm in training.

    ill - yeah, she should come out with a workout...

    encantada - haha. The Kylie vs. JLo is an interesting debate.

    mist - what sort of animal pelts do you rock usually? any exotic creatures in the bunch?

    xeno - you're right. it actually came because someone was talking about other areas the japanese have infiltrated.

    star - you seem to have comapny in that notion. But presumably genius skills require a certain minimum standard of tools.

    james - agreed, there may have been some ADHD issues there. Booties have focus problems.

    pookie - you should send me a link and put us up on the new generation ...

    anon - no prob. when in doubt on the booty, use the formula. it's there, just a question of how the firmness circularity etc. add up.

    anon2 - hmmm, well what does sexy mean to you. there's something sexual going on...

  18. Currently, I'm sporting an iguana thong.

  19. check out the dancehall dvd "it's all about dancing." there's a smokin japanese girl and some hot jamaicans in there who all put junko to shame. you can get it on amazon

  20. mist - does it change colors to match your environment?

    theylion - word. but that's a lot of work you talkin', where's the youtube yo.

  21. can't find her on youtube, but the dancer's name is Kivo Akiba. if you can find some video of her, post it-- please!

  22. I saw Junko perform last month, and trust me it was nothing short of insane. I've been to a few reggae events in Japan and a few dodgy places in the US, and I've seen nothing like that!

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