True Negro Confessions: Ebony Section on Porn Websites

Porn bares naked the primal vice in all of us. Sex without the reproductive agenda is visceral vanity. There is no concealing the ugliness when you’re all sweaty and stroking it to a picture of some burly guy slamming his love-staff in some girl’s arsehole while he steps on her face (and that's just what the ladies are looking at!). Suffice to say when one is "in session," a leap of faith is required. Faith you remembered to lock the door before getting started, and faith the pigeon staring at you from outside the window is not a roving spy-cam for the government.

Of course if your character in some way is predicated on the kind of porn you like, it figures the kind of porn you avoid also says something. And nowadays when black solidarity is so important to our economic empowerment, you can surely understand my shock and concern when I met this black guy who:

Skips The Ebony Section On Porn Sites

TAN: So can you state your problem for the record?

Le'Tron: I am a frequent masturbator, but even in the neediest times I never turn to the "Ebony section" on a porn site.

TAN: How do you feel about this?

Le’Tron: I feel nauseous. I make myself throw up on myself. I also feel a deep sense of shame. Every time I rub one out I set my people back fifty years. This is who I am. Can you imagine? Don't look at me!!

TAN: Do you think you’d feel the same sense of shame if you weren’t black? What impact does you being a black man have on the situation?

Le'Tron: Where’s my pride? Where’s my integrity? Most importantly, what would Oprah say? Would she cradle me in her arms and explain to the audience through streaming tears why they should tolerate the foul stench of my masturbatory discrimination? Or would she be curt and shun me, such that I may never be able to walk the earth amongst the black bourgeoisie again? A life without Oprah's approval is not worth living.

TAN: How does this happen? Were you raised by racist wolves?

Le'Tron: My only defense is: can you blame me? I’m know I'm not the only one giving a thumbs down to the ebony section. I’ve been cultured to think of my people as animals. Gorillas! I don’t want to f*ck a gorilla dammit! I don’t want a fat-ass dread-locked silverback in my fantasy! I want one of those nubile perfectly-toned white cuties who run away from the monsters. In their tube-tops and short-shorts with sweat glistening on their bodies ...

TAN: Mmmmm sweaty white girls ...

Le’Tron: mmmmm

TAN: Can you give us some insight to your thought process? What influences your choice of porn?

Le'Tron: Well first I consider the basic parameters for my day: am I at home, in an office, church bathroom? Am I alone, or with company? Am I single or dating? Have I had sex in a while, and how was it? Am I just cleaning out the pipes, or is masturbating all I’m doing today? All of these things affect the particular hue of porn I'm looking for.

Eventually you have to pick girls: there's babes, porn-stars, asian, mature, fetal, big boobies, big booties, lip moustaches, corns-on-the-feet, etc. etc.

My problem is I try them all out except one … ebony.

Maybe it’s the pool of women they have to choose from. Do hot black girls not do porn? I guess that would actually be good. Maybe young hot black women got too much going on for that. In which case my problem is kind of uplifting.

TAN: I don't think anyone would find your porn tendencies uplifting. Have you thought about solutions for the problem?

Le'Tron: I don’t know. I think production value is lacking. I think regular porn has cameras and lighting, and black porn productions use camera-phones and flashlights. Maybe in addition to politicians, scientists, mailroom managers etc., we should also make sure to cultivate the next generation of black pornographers.

Does Spike Lee have a pervy brother we don’t know about? We should get him.

Or maybe we can get a foundation started. Or some sort of grant to help those without flashlights. An historically black school of porn sounds pretty awesome. Only through education can we become pornographically empowered. It's all about grad school dude! Master of the Porn Arts here I come!