Mediocre Black Chick Reconditioning Program

So a few days ago I was out with a black girl and as is wont to happen when black guys hang out with black girls the conversation turned to the subject of interracial relations, and specifically about my (and my TAN-kind) presumed hearting of white girls.

I was taken aback because my presumed pedestalizing of caucasian women was under attack before I even had the chance to raise my usual defenses, like my Quest for Claire Huxtable post, and ummm ... that's it. Sans any legit evidence, I was already labeled: Guilty. Granted the "White Girls #1" gold chain around my neck (I made the switch from African medallions in the late 90s) serves as a little bit of a cue, but I still think in these murky racial waters benefit of the doubt should at least be offered like a life preserver, before you deflate it with your socio-political darts.

What made it worse was this part of the conversation was prefaced by her telling me how she had never dated white guys, but was starting to lean in that direction because her friends had done so and all of them were living SUCCESSFUL (ha!) lives with their white knights in shining armor. I chuckled over how she couched her dilemma, but offered sympathy and expected the same in return.

So after outing the blatant hypocrisy, she began to deconstruct the differences between a black woman going white and a black guy going white. And most of it was premised around, male thinking = physical, woman thinking = all encompassing wisdom, a mantra which I actually abide by, so it was all good. As she continued she ultimately qualified the point by saying her real problem was with black dudes dating mediocre white chicks. Hmmmmm. This was a smart beautiful black girl, who had gone to prep school, and was relatively dark, so you could anticipate her being a victim of getting romantically shirked off for some substandard lighter counterpart. As a more lightskin negro (thank heavens!) I know this is a problem, and I feel for the beautiful black women who have been ignored. Especially the ones who look like models. (Call me! We can show this white world who's boss by making strong black love all through the night!)

All that said, at this point I offered protest because I think that time has passed. Us TANs now have enough self-esteem to raise the bar on our white chick standards. It used to be any ol' chubby Jamie-Lynn wannabe could land herself a Taye Diggs-esque specimen. But now we know better. We're even getting to the point of feeling we run this ish. I mean look at Seal, 15 years ago dude would have been married to Roseanne Barr. Now even white girls wish they were Seal. So while I think that sentiment was once very valid, in the '07-08 I think hot TANs roll with strictly hot girls white, black or asian (Mandingo parties notwithstanding).

She didn't want to concede the point. Plus she wanted to make clear that she was talking country-wide, not just liberal progressive NYC. I definitely front on southern intelligence, and could see down-south brothas still flocking to any flash of tasty-pasty they can get. Add on the fact this was a stubborn black chick and all (it's in the genes), and I was forced to say, ok, you win. But now what? You just gonna hate on black guys for being cultured to enjoy the lighter persuasion?

5 minutes later, after leaving/getting kicked out of her spot, I thought about the convo, and while there are a few tangents to go off on here, the one that has stuck in my mind is this general issue of Mediocrity Tolerance.

When we talk about the whole system of institutionalized oppression still being present, I think what really grinds black people's gears is the abundance of white mediocrity getting over. Everyone says "I could do that too," but negroes really feel that way. George Bush as president is the prime example. I think Chris Rock riffed about something to the effect of black people having to be A and B students to achieve, while a white C or D student can be president.

And in the dating world, while I think the reign of white chick sovereignty has ended, in many ways the history, and more important, the habits of that era remain. So as this Toni Morrison Terry McMillan was exhaling about her gripes, I eventually confessed to having some white spots on my resume and generally tried to make the whole "you have to give us time to reprogram" argument. I personally chalk this all up to my prep school programming, I mean in many ways it just comes down to simple numbers, and what you see growing up, even before getting into the general cultural aggrandizing of white girls.

But while I was looking for the North star to find my way home, the facts hit me like
Courtney Love's face in the morning: I haven't dated any mediocre black girls. And I do have to acknowledge that blonde/white/gold/peach/light turns my head faster than Darkness, even if it isn't a superlative blonde, peach or whatever. And that fact bothers me. If an enlightened assimilated negro like myself can't shake off his programming how can I expect to hold others up to these racial-profiling demands?

Then just as I was feeling there was no hope, and I was about to go to Williamsburg to talk to some cute hipster-chicks so I could feel better about myself, I was hit with a solution. Eureka! All I need to do is simply force-feed/date myself some mediocre black chicks. I could liken it to eating my vegetables; it doesn't necessarily taste good, but it's good for a healthy mind, body and soul. Mediocre black girls are like cauliflower! And okra! Yes!

So in 2008 I plan to kick-start what amounts to a Mediocre Black Chick Reconditioning Program. I'm going to reacquaint myself with the average black chick, and marvel at her unexceptional melanin-addled physique. I'm going to enjoy sexing second-rate sistas. I'm going to take the middle-of-the-road black woman (presumably less traveled), and hope that will make all the difference. You too can enjoy my sexist head-turning nods of approval! You too can receive ambivalent evaluations from me and my crew at the bar! As it stands now, I don't even see mediocre black-chicks. I have the same conversations with them that I have with old people about blogs. Which is less conversation, and more awkward waiting for them to leave. But no longer! That's the old TAN. I'm recalibrating. I see you mediocre black chick, and I like you. Kind of.

So yeah, that's it. If you're a black girl, and you've been looking in the mirror thinking you're ok, but nothing special, it's time to wipe those tears. It's time to get excited!! This mediocre black dude is officially letting you get behind the velvet-caucasian rope. Club Mediocre is open for business. And bring your friends!!!

Keep in mind that, of course, there's nothing happening long term or big picture here. And you'll be subject to the same head-on-a-swivel treatment when legitimately hot black or white girls come into my field of vision as everyone else .... but in this era of new media narcissism any attention is good attention, right? By any means necessary to get a little fuel in the ol' self-worth mobile, yes?? No need to respond Miss Mediocre, you doth protest too much.

So let's do it up. No need to send any pics, cause that's just going to dishearten me, and I really want to see this through for the good of our people. But do let me know about those few things you do have going for you, like if you're good at scrabble or catching cabs or whatever. And then let's do lunch. Or a movie. Something dark and secluded. And maybe you can bring extra alcohol too. Or you know what? Don't even worry about that, you pretty girl you. I'll bring the extra alcohol. It's the least I can do.

Looking forward to it.

Cheers!

xoxo,

TAN

UPDATE: when I posed this "MBC Reconditioning Program" as a response to her gripe with black guys and MWCs I was told there's no such thing as a mediocre black chick. Truuue. So, oh well, back to she-males for me.