Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Dear TAN: Miami, Connecticut, and Reverse Assimilation

I once started a neverending interview, but now we're switching to a "Dear TAN" feature. Send your questions to theassimilatednegro [at] gmail [dot] com, and then pray that God will give you more you important things to do in the future.

Dear TAN,

I recently discovered your blog, and unfortunately it has been keeping me from my research and other important activities. So, since you have devoured so much of my valuable time recently, I thought I might as well ask you a few questions....

First off, any plans of coming to Miami? You should perform around here, at UM perhaps. It's nice this time of year.

Next, how could you stand being in Connecticut? That's the worst state of the union! I've written essays on my dislike of that damn state.

And lastly, do you believe the assimilation process can work backwards? See, I happen to be a lighter shade of brown, but I've had a black heterosexual life partner/college roommate for a bit now. I'm pretty sure I've lost some whiteness ever since.

And by the way, just about everything you described in Ghetto Pass holds true here as well, apparently bodega owners work under strict franchise standards... I especially appreciate your work on ghetto pickup artists.... if you could, PLEASE start a trend that men no longer honk/whistle/teeth-suck/grab at girls on the street/whistle/teeth-suck. Because as far as I know, this has never gotten ANYONE ass in all of history. Ever.


Dear G,

I love it when anyone uses the term "life partner." The last time I heard it was via a woman I went out with a couple times, I discovered it also means "husband."

as for your questions:

1. No immediate plans for Miami. But I'd love to go and have friends with friends there ... so you never know!

2. Connecticut is good for being privately educated. And the long lost art of tree-gazing. Finally, it's not far from NY! That makes it once, twice, three times a lady.

3. The assimilation process can definitely go either way. It's kind of like body weight, on any given day you might gain or lose a little blackness/whiteness, but you generally stay in the same zone. (note to self: I need to go on a whiteness diet, STAT!)

As for the trend-starting, it's so out-of-wack to honk, holler and catcall at this point you might actually be able to get over if you do it in an ironic fashion. It's kind of retro and vintage now, no? I mean if the guy is cute you might smile at a good teeth-sucking. Hot guys, like girls, have a lot more leeway with these rules of cool-conduct.

Of course I wouldn't know, I don't merit enough leeway to even FedEx a girl a crisp hundred dollar bill and a subscription to Vogue, let alone hoot at her on the street.

I think I'm gonna need me one of those life partners.


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