Friday, June 30, 2006
Clearly Kanye, as any rapper would, will take some shots at Foxx in an upcoming song, if not make a whole diss record dedicated to the issue. But what will Foxx do? How do actors make the beef happen? Does he take a role that spoofs Kanye? Maybe he alters some dialogue in a movie? Or maybe he'll make the first R&B diss song.
From the sound of it, I think we're going to find out, cause this ain't going away. NO ONE holds up a fan to Kanyeeze's head and gets away with it.
My shades are bigger. NO, MY shades are bigger ... ni**a [Media Take Out]
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Throughout a season where the Knicks won a meager 23 games (for you ladies, good teams win 50-60, mediocre teams win 40) and it felt like they won 10, I never once really questioned my loyalty or allegiance to my team. I was prepared to have an awful season, after all we had an awful roster. But we also had one of, if not the best coach in the business. And not one of these flavor-of-the-month hot coaches, we had a guy who had been around and proven himself over years and years. I’m a guy who believes change and success starts at the top and trickles down and permeates. Put people who “get it” and know what they’re doing at the top, and even though it may take them a little time, eventually they will figure it out. Case in point is with the recently crowned NBA champion Miami Heat. So I was under the impression we had three wise men leading this franchise. And while Starbury had yet to look like anything close to a savior, we could still feel confident that these guys would lead us out of the wilderness.
Unfortunately now it’s clear that we didn’t have three wisemen. We had a geek, a bully, and an idiot.
First, the basketball geek Larry Brown, who knows everything there is to know about the game, and obsesses over it, and is successful at what he does, but perhaps isn’t the most gallant virtuoso of the communicative arts. Of course he’s a geek at coaching, which entails a certain amount of communication skills, but clearly where Larry Brown failed the most this season was in adapting and ultimately getting his players to like him. He was a geek, a geek empowered as the highest paid coach in the league, and that meant he didn’t have to give ground to anyone. And he didn’t. And he put out his record for everyone to see, and said, “hello, I’m the geek here. I’m the one who’s succeeded. All you guys are class clowns and fools. Listen to me, I know what I’m doing.” And as far as this business of basketball goes, he’s probably right. He was the only man around with a record of success, and the Knicks should have listened to him. Problem was he wasn’t the only guy running the ship. And the other guys didn’t use the tools of rationality and intelligence to get in their positions. Rationality and intelligence are the tools of geekery (and maybe some others), but they are not the tools of bullies and idiots.
Which brings us to the bully, aka Isiah Thomas. Thomas is not quite the traditional bully, he’s not a big physically intimidating type, he’s more of the asshole-jock type. Always a winner on the court, Zeke won a national championship with Indiana and back-to-back NBA championships with Detroit. Named one of the 50 greatest basketball players of all time, Isiah Lord Thomas’s playing skills are undeniable. Unfortunately since leaving the court and becoming an executive, all he’s done is make for an incredible case against affirmative action and avoid success like an old, poor, obese woman with AIDS, leprosy, and herpes all at once.
From 1994-1998 he was in charge of the Toronto Raptors. He made some great draft picks, but never sniffed the playoffs.
Then Thomas became a forgettable broadcaster for a while.
Then he owned the CBA, until it went bankrupt and folded under his inept management.
Then he decides to try coaching, replaces Larry Bird in Indiana, and sort of has some success. This is a vote for Isiah until you realize he had a team that had Jermaine O’Neal, Brad Miller, Ron Artest, Reggie Miller, Al Harrington, and other solid role players. These teams made the playoffs, but never did anything in them, so essentially Thomas built his coaching resume by taking a team of all-stars to the playoffs, and nothing else.
And now, he has his track record with the Knicks. Which is abysmal.
So, this man has done nothing but fail, and then to add on to his bottom line track record, he’s also a renowned asshole. The type that wouldn’t shake hands with Michael Jordan after the Bulls ended the Pistons playoff reign. The type to have to deal with sexual harassment lawsuits. The type to burn bridges and make enemies wherever he goes. In other words a jerk, an asshole, a bully. Choosing Thomas over Larry Brown to run your team, is like choosing Hulk Hogan* to run your company instead of Bill Gates. By all accounts, it is the move of an idiot.
Which leads us to James Dolan, who much to every Knicks fan's chagrin is at the top of this totem pole of buffoonery. I wondered about Dolan, thinking he might just be a victim of Isiah's bullying tactics. Which he probably is. But after his recent "I'm really an idiot" coming out party veiled as an informational interview with Al Trautwig of MSG, it's eminently clear that he's the primary source of the cancer here. Success or failure starts at the top and trickles down. We see it with the Heat. We see it with the Knicks. The thing is Dolan's foolishness isn't totally represented by the decision to stick with Isiah over Larry Brown. It's demonstrated by his attempt to spin this whole debacle. Sometimes you have to know when to face the facts, and accept your mistakes, but it seems like this idiot Dolan is digging himself a hole, then when you ask him about the hole, he's like, "no, no hole here. I mean maybe there's a small ditch in the road, but nothing we can't get out of in a couple months." And then he continues digging. Isiah Thomas is the shovel. Larry Brown was the guy walking by with a truck full of dirt to fill up the hole, willing to sell it if you gave him enough money and control of the situation. The shovel said no. The idiot digging listened to the shovel instead of the guy with the dirt. And here we are continuing our descent into darkness. Our transformation into the LA Clippers.
These are tough times Knicks fans. It's times like this we have to stick together ... and root for the NETS!!!
or at least the Mets.
I know it's easy to pile on Isiah Thomas right now. I mean the guy can't even spell his name right. But the one thing he has done over the years, is identify NBA players in the draft. They may not be winners, but they can play. So I'll hold off on trashing him for the Reynaldo Balkman selection. In the bigger picture here, it doesn't matter. We didn't pass on Tim Duncan to select him. Maybe the PG marcus Williams is a better prospect, but no one's going to be doing any fair trades with Thomas. Thomas is like the runt in your fantasy league who everyone hits up with unfair trade offers. At some point that guys just shuts down, or he has no more talent left to offer, Or he gets raked over the coals so much that he refuses to trade unless it's decidely in his favor. So Williams would have probably just set us up for another disastrous move. Might as well get a guy with some hardware, even if it is an NIT trophy.
*No offense to you Hulk, I know you're smarter than you look, just going with an archetype there brothah. ok, back to eating my vitamins.
Monday, June 26, 2006
The first is a more biblical take on the Sir MixAlot classic "Baby Got Back." Spotted by Emily, it's called:
Baby Got Book
Then we have another you-tuber, Jamie Kennedy & Co. in "Rolling with Saget"
If you are caucasian, and you have never tried rapping before, I hereby advise you to get yourself vaccinated immediately.
Cracka Crackdown! - The ASS-EX [TAN]
Cracka Crackdown! - The Eminettes!!! [TAN]
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Here are some more Finals thoughts:
~ I had the Heat and Mavs in the Finals. Plus Heat in 6. I am waiting for someone to show up with my grand prize. Maybe I get to replace Shandon Anderson on the roster (you know the 9th man in the 8-man Miami rotation, who didn't need to have NBA level skills, just energy)
~ The Mavs are the more talented all around team. Great team. But no one beats Jordan in the Finals. It is tempting to say this team, with the Avery Johnson, Dirk, Jet, Josh Howard core will definitely get one. And I think they will also. But the Suns with Amare? Whoah. San Antonio is always there. And who’s going to be most inspired by this playoff? Phil Jackson and Kobe. Those two must be tossing and turning, consoling each other over their less pristine legacies. Who’s the greatest player in the NBA now? Who’s the greatest coach in the NBA now? The West is once again a beast.
~ Speaking of coach. I always thought the NFL was the league where your head coach mattered the most. No figures were as imposing as Bill Parcells or a Bill Belichick, or a Bill Cowher. (If you're an NFL Coach, you should change your name to Bill.) But maybe it's the NBA. Riley, Popovic, Larry Brown, Phil Jackson have won all the recent Championships. Pistons better fire Flip right now if they want to get back. And it's all the more reason to consider murder-suicide if Dolan and Thomas pay Larry Brown to leave the Knicks. If you need a great coach, despite the current roster conditions, the Knicks are closer to a championship than a lot of other teams.
~ The NBA also has the most entrenched apprenticeship formula for a ring. All the great teams have paid their dues via playoff losses with escalating stakes. You play in the semis, and lose. Then you play in the conference finals, and lose. Then you go to the Finals. Miami just finished the cycle. Dallas is on the doorstep. Phoenix is now primed also. San Antonio is the biggest team that hasn't really followed the formula.
~ Talk about a master motivator. Did you see Riley's reveal about the secret championship bowl that was shrouded in, um, secrecy and speculated on by everyone in the media. Maybe it's precious valuables? Maybe it's a book on how to hit free throws?? Maybe it's Pat Riley's hair pommade??? What did it end up being? A BOWL OF LITTLE PAPER CARDS. AWESOME!!! You're a master motivator when you get 15 millionaires to do what you want via a bunch little paper trading cards.
~ Zo, Antoine, Payton. Does anyone remember when they used to question Alonzo Mourning's heart in Georgetown? When he was the big underachiever? That's comical now. He was the fourth most important player on the Heat after Wade, Posey, and Haslem. Considering the minutes, it might be a bit of a stretch to put him ahead of Shaq, but his impact per minute easily dwarfed Shaq's. Toine had a nice Game 6, though he's still yet to hit a shot from the perimeter. And I still don't know how they survived with him guarding anyone. Payton was a mess except for those two HUGE baskets he hit. How about that play when he's jawing with the ref as they're trying to swing the ball back around through him and it hits him in the back? I hope he's retiring on top.
~ Riley constructed the team. Made specific mention of getting wounded guys. Guys who had been there but didn't get over the hump. Guys who had been humbled. It's an interesting idea, but I wouldn't advise it for everyone, 9 times out of 10 you'll end up with a team of losers. I wonder if Riley could reconstruct the old Sonics team led by Payton and Kemp and get a Championship out of them. Presuming Wade played the 2 of course.
~ Dallas seemed immature these final two games. A lot of jawing with refs. Avery let loose after game 5. They were a great team in part because of their dignified professional approach. They expected to be doubted agaisnt the Spurs. But once they had everyone on their side, they expected too much. The refs were out of hand in game 5, but you're supposed to just take the lumps, keep your head down, and persevere. When I saw Dirk's tantrum, and even Avery spouting off, I knew it was over. The mental game was won.
~ Shaq and Zo were the #1 and #2 picks in the ’92 draft
~ No Dirk. Wade's the big breakout star, but Udonis Haslem has made a name for himself I think. He killed himself with fouls all series, but he was incredible in terms of his defense on Dirk. And he finally got to relax and show his jumper in Game 6. He's the prototype 4 guy, Tough inside, tough on the glass, solid 15-foot jump shot. Only thing he's lacking is shot-block ability. He might be second to Wade in terms of value to the team.
~ If i’s not Haslem, it’s definitely James Posey who is second to Wade. Posey was the man. D'ing up on Dirk and Josh Howard. And hitting 3's. And taking about ten million charges. And hitting some big 3's. James Posey beat the Mavs goddammit.
~ If Miami had a nice defensive point guard. They’d actually be good. They need to freshen up the bench, get a good player in the draft. Perimeter defense.
~ What’s been great about this Finals is you now look forward to next year. So many great stories. Lebron. Are the Pistons done? New Jersey. And out West it's even crazier. NBA season is too long though. They still need to cut a month off the season.
~ What’s remarkable about seeing Shaq become mortal is realizing how ridiculous he used to be. He still commanded a double team in this series (probably the last time he commands an automatic double), but all those in close moves he missed used to be dunks. And his rebounding has fallen off the charts.
~ There wasn't a good pure point guard in this series. Mavs will be good when Devin Harris becomes a good point guard, instead of just a speed freak.
And that's about it folks. So begins the slow time in sports. Until the NFL starts up, it's all sex all the time.
Monday, June 19, 2006
A couple days ago there was a tragic accident, where some guy plowed his pickup truck (you were expecting a Lexus?) into an oncoming car killing a woman and her daughter. We go from tragedy to close-your-eyes-and-cringe mode when we discover a severed head flew out the window and on to the road during the accident. And the head belonged to (what's the rules on possession again?) the driver's wife. There's probably something to be said about Boise, Idaho here, the location of the accident/crime, but I'm not going to be the one to do it.
Police Find 2 Bodies, 3 Heads, 0 Potatoes [MSNBC]
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Perhaps you've seen this, perhaps not, but here's a woman spitting a hot traffic-report freestyle.
So the question is, do you trade lacrosse in harlem parking lots for every rhythmless spaz taking at stab at the microphone?
The Assimilation Exchange. Forget AMEX, it's all about ASS-EX. Does the ASS-EX favor negro or caucasian? Tempting to say negro. We do get to share in the laugh on Jodie and the Eminettes and gain a sport. But some [of us] may be like I TAKE THIS HIP HOP SHIT SERIOUS SON!! This is the cost of mainstream appeal. Feels like your converting a nice balanced meal into popcorn and candy. More people may buy it, but is it good?
Who knows? I just highlight the words and make the links.
Ladies & Germs I Present , The Eminettes!!! [TAN]
You Kids Go Play In That Parking Lot. Yeah, The One With The Cars [TAN]
Friday, June 16, 2006
You might expect this from some Bad News Bears / Major League type team, but this team is currently in first place with a 17-8 record, and lost in the championships a couple years ago.
Fans will initially get to make decisions on lineups, fielding positions, and the pitching roster ... basically what a manager does before the game. Which leads to the most amusing section in the piece, as the team owner Rich Ehrenreich discusses one of the hurdles in the move.
The toughest part of the deal was selling it to his manager Andy McCauley.
"I think he was initially shocked at the idea," Ehrenreich said. "But then I asked him how he felt about being famous."
Ahhh yes, another in the line of famous minor league managers who were replaced by marketing gimmicks. Andy McCauley anyone? Anyone???Famous For What? Getting Replaced By The Fans? [ESPN]
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Okay, so here's the lowdown. Besides making a really cute couple, my girlfriend and I are both really funny. A lot of times we find ourselves wishing our friends could be more like us. I don't mean that in a negative, arrogant way because I love our friends, but my girlfriend and I are so witty that we usually steal the show. I'm a pretty accomplished comedy writer. I have had jokes published in Reader's Digest and I was the runner up in the annual Omaha, Nebraska "Funniest Guy on the Farm" competition. I recently had a great idea for a variety show that my girlfriend and I could cohost. When we get together, there is a great comedic energy. We'll do funny things like talk to each other in strange, high-pitched voices and finish each other's sentences with unfavorable content. For instance, if I was going to say, "Today I went to the mall," my girlfriend might finish my sentence with, "...to the laundromat after I pooped in my pants!" Since I was unable to establish that I went to the mall, the sentence sounds like I said, "Today I went to the laundromat after I pooped in my pants!" Our antics never fail to make our friends laugh and I truly think they would be just as funny on television. The name of our show is "Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper."The request continues here
I think this has to be a brilliant joke, but it would be oh-so-sweet if it wasn't. Anyone looking to get on board the "Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper" locomotive do get in touch, and do, please, let me know about it...
"We'll Work Out The Financial Details" [CL]
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
The Cracka Crackdown really feels like it's getting enough legs to stand as a regular feature.
and of course, Dear Average-Sized Penis, part of the TAN Classic Edition ... and by the way I do have to take great pains to get those six hairs on my booty perfectly straight.
UPDATE: I've added the other two toons here below.
Brandon: Illustrious Illustrator
Coming Soon: TAN Toons [TAN]
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Brandon Bolt - Fearless Cartoon Illustrator
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
So, um, do you actually want to remain friends?
A. Definitely, we had chemistry, just want different things.
B. Yeah, sure, WHATEVER.
C. I'll say hello when I see you, how about that?
D. I'll be your friend only to have a better view as I destroy your life from the inside like a Trojan Horse infested with spiteful-friends-that-stab-you-in-the-back.
E. Please ask me this in person so I can spit in your face.
Do you want to remain friends w/ benefits?
B. NOLLA!!! (pronounced NAHLA)
How open to
A. You better not call me after 2AM, or I'll be angry!
B. You better not call me after midnight, or I'll be angry!
C. You better not call me after 10 PM, or I'll be angry!
D. You better not call me. With a phone. Or your mouth. Or a sign. Or anything. Or I'll kill you!!!
How many calls/e-mails per month do you consider adequate for “friendship maintenance?”
B. 1 a week
C. whoah nelly, slow down there!
Please refresh my memory, are you able to cook fairly well?
Do you understand why TAN designated you for re-assignment? (please select as many as appropriate.)
A. He needed more space.
B. I wanted more than TAN could give.
C. I couldn’t hold a conversation.
D. I revealed psychotic tendencies.
E. I frustrated TAN sexually.
F. I intimidated TAN sexually.
G. I kept joking about running my fingers through his wooliness.
H. Oral technique needs work.
I. Someone hotter and fresher came along.
J. Someone not necessarily hotter, but fresher, came along.
K. My vagina stinks.
L. Someone hotter, but not as fresh, returned into his life.
M. I kept bringing up his mother.
N. In all the various drafts of this survey lying around his house I never once saw a choice that entertained the notion of me rejecting him. And I called him on it.
O. I talk too much.
P. I’m insecure.
Q. I didn’t read his blog.
R. I kept asking why he’s so sensitive about his age.
S. I asked if he was really going to give a choice for each letter of the alphabet, or if he would stop when the joke, if you can call it that, had more than run its course.
T. All of the above.
Do you wish TAN was?
TAN’s abode was?
B. refreshingly quirky
C. a palace
D. what abode? You said you lived in LA/Asia/France/Africa/Jamaica.
While with TAN you were treated like?
C. Sex object
D. Cold sore
Monday, June 05, 2006
And you probably had some saying the Pistons could lose after the Cavs started giving them trouble.
But you won't find anyone who was saying the Heat will beat the Pistons early in the season when the Pistons were destroying everyone in the league and the Heat looked old and ready for renovation.
Well, anyone except this guy.
Unfortunately I wasn't talking sports on TAN at the time, but peep my defiant prediction(s) when my boy Joey was slurping the Pistons back in December, and I tried to shine the light in the comment box:
Not just once on December 2nd
but I had to stress the point again on December 19th
I actually don't even consider it a prediction, as it was an inevitability as soon as Flip Saunders signed on the dotted line. This was a team that needed a superior coach that commanded their respect, ultimately, the Pistons being so "good" in the regular season only sealed their eventual demise. Classic case of a team's collective ego outsizing their actual talent. I won't go into much depth on the matter since you've all probably been reading plenty on the subject recently, and of course I was up on all this five months ago, so it's old news.
For the record, I also called the Mavs, but I didn't post that up anywhere. But I was a Dirk for MVP guy, so that too was an easy one.
What's tough is calling the Finals. Heat vs. Mavs is a tough call because of all the compelling storylines on both sides ...Mavs are the better team, but I think the Heat have more/better stories. I could see Dallas winning, but I'm going with Heat in 6 (?)...
One final note. When searching for these comments on Joey's site, I came across this guy who had this to say about Boris Diaw. Very amusing now in hindsight since Diaw's become a rising star, needless to say he's not joining TAN in the we-make-hot-on-point-predictions club.
PS - I should note, Joey didn't say i was wrong in these comments, so I don't want to pose him as the foil to my predictive brilliance. I think I was just more convinced of it than him.
*sigh* it's so tough being right all the time ... it's really quite a burden.
The Home of TAN's Defiant & Perfect NBA Predictions [straight bangin']
Friday, June 02, 2006
So I was on the train and saw this odd scene that demanded documentation.
There's a couple with a child in a stroller. They are sitting at the end of the ... (what are subway seats called, sub-seats?). Standing above them is a stranger, holding on to one of those... (what are those hanging things we hold on to called, sub-hangers?). The stranger is eating Combos™, ... out the bag no less (so low-brow, everyone knows you eat combos with only the finest of silverware, a sterling silver toothpick, and/or crystal plates).
So the baby is sitting in the stroller and is apparently telepathically communicating with the stranger, because all of a sudden, out of the blue, without any conspicuous prompting, the stranger gives the child a Combo™.
And then to my further surprise, the parents allow the child to take it. This baby is all of a year old, tops, well short of the legal age for Combo-eating. I don't consider myself a prude, but I was tempted to call Social Services on these people. I mean I know a Combo™ has riboflavin. And perhaps their new flavors/editions have been enriched with essential vitamins and nutrients, making it passable as some sort of ghetto multi-vitamin. But who allows their baby to take one from a stranger on the train??? Ewww. And she didn't even offer the combo with a sterling silver toothpick or anything, no, it was right out of her nasty, grubby, just-finished-fondling-the-escalator-handrail hands. The parents were so laissez-faire, I suspect they would have still allowed it even if she offered to chew it up and regurgitate it back into the baby's mouth.
But now here's the twist, the baby then took the Combo™, played with it for a while, feigned putting it into its mouth, and then proceeded to hand the combo off to the father. At which point I began feeling empathy for the Combo eater. Look like she was suckered by some sort of Combo™ Con, where hungry parents use their child to lure unknowing strangers into giving them nacho-cheese pretzel nuggets.
I waited to see if the stranger would demand the father return the Combo to her, that would have brought the odd scene full circle. But alas the stranger made no move, and after playing like he wasn't going to do anything with it, the father eventually ate the Combo.
I don't know who I want to judge more, the stranger who would have the gumption to give a Combo to a strange baby on the train. Or the Bonny & Clyde Combo™ Criminal Team. What I do know is I'm not taking or giving any Combos™ on the train ever. It's just too risky.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Then the Natalie Portman joint dropped. And of course Natalie's so hot-cute that it'd be impossible to hate on her. Plus she was pretty funny. But the laugh wasn't as full-bellied as before. Those who listened close heard the faint whisper (gasp?) of concern underneath the bemused chortling. Was it a free-for-all on rappin' crackas ?? Natalie represented a dangerous line, and the risk was obvious.
Sure enough ... The Tipping Point - starring Jodie Foster.
Ahhh, the bittersweet taste of assimilation. No one ever said it was going to be all interracial mating, Eminem (in his prime), and seersucker shorts. But regardless, I'm thinking that's just about a wrap on the middle-aged women rapping at graduation ceremonies. Please surrender your microphone to the nearest person of color. Thanks for playing.
(yes, I discovered this later than others)
Jodie Covers Em [stereogum]
Calves Yes, Rapping No [No Parachute]
Lamest Speech Award [The Superficial]
Cracka CrackDown! - Enron Edition [TAN]