Friday, January 06, 2006

Birds And Bees Tired Of Being "Romantically Linked"

A garden in soho, NYC -- Very little sex was in the air when a group of birds and bees got together to protest the puerile gossip mongering that continues to plague both creatures.

One big bird said, “Who the fuck started this nonsense? I remember my grandmother used to say, ‘people are going to say things during your life. They’re going to say things about you and the bees. And you’re not going to like those things, but you have to keep on flying.’ "

The non-yellow big bird wiped a way a tear and continued, “Birds and bees fucking? I mean sweet jesus, who in the hell started this, this … this LIE!! I ain’t fucking no bees. Period. Not with all these fine ass birds around. How’s that gonna look? A big ass bird like me flying around, looking for bees. How would you even get it on with a bee anyways. What the fuck? How? Seriously. Do you know how? You. Writing this down. Yeah you. Seriously. Do you have a solution?”

I responded, “Um, no.”

“Ok then. So let’s kill ‘the birds and the bees’ talk, shall we? I ain’t done nothing with no bees. Nah son, never have, never will. Let some other motherfuckers be associated with bees. The antelopes and the bees. The aardvarks and the bees. Maybe anteaters like them. What’s that?? Yeah I guess I am somewhat fond of ‘the A animals,’ but that’s beside the point. But while we’re off subject, I’m also pissed about the term ‘bird-brained.’ What the fuck??!! You guys think you run shit and can just be disrespectful like this …”

While many bees were buzzing about, it was difficult to get any to speak on the record. Eventually a young bee stepped up to respond after the big bird erupted, “I think the bird is being a little overdramatic. I mean I don’t want to have sex with him either, but he shouldn’t be writing off us bees. We get our buzz on also, if you know what I’m saying. He may have a size advantage, but it’s not the size of the stinger, it’s the yummy in the honey you know what I mean?”

The bee then grotesquely grabbed his abdomen and secreted a strange fluid that caused everyone to immediately seek out an exit. While others fled the scene he continued, “ But it really doesn’t make sense. Cause the other thing is if we use our stingers to get inside some non-bee booty, for us it amounts to a death countdown. Cause as soon as we use that, it’s over. So it’s a much bigger commitment. We don’t usually try to stick it in just anybody. I know a lot of people who say, ‘yo, I’ll just work and stay busy. I ain’t trying to die for no ass.’

It may serve us well to keep all this in mind next time we teach little Johnny about the birds and the bees.

Related:
What's with the phrase "romantically linked"? [Jenisfamous]
Apples and oranges are pissed too [TAN]

10 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Anonymous1/06/2006

    I've always wondered about this. I think the phrase comes from a song or something.

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  3. here's a link:

    http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-bir1.htm

    I'm surprised scientists haven't tried to mate birds and bees just to see already. get a birdee?

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  4. this is funny ...

    here's another link:
    http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_229a.html

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  5. "[I]t’s not the size of the stinger, it’s the yummy in the honey you know what I mean?”

    Please make that a t-shirt.

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  6. Tee hee! Thanks for making me laugh, TAN.

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  7. I hate to be the party pooper, but it's "the birds and the bees and the flowers in the trees." So what birds and bees do to each other is not even a question; the question is do they know that they both hittin' the flowers in the trees? Cause that's drama just waiting to happen.

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  8. Pretty awesome literary gymnastics... either that or you and the writers of "Sponge Bob Square Pants" have gotten together and smoked a couple bowls of hashish.

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  9. Damn, that's some funny shit.

    :)))))))))))))

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