Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Man Has Friendship Privileges Revoked, Returned To "Acquaintance" Status

Steve Cocksure recently received a telegram in the mail from what he thought were his new friends. Unfortunately, the telegram was an official, "rescinding of certain friendship privileges." Enough privileges were stripped that Steve is no longer categorized as a "new friend," but has actually been reverted back to "new acquaintance" status.

Here is the letter:

Dear Mr. Cocksure,

Not all of us involved with composing this letter know each other personally, but we've recently been united by a common thread. That thread is the feeling that you have perhaps crossed the friendship threshold line too quickly.

All of us signed at the bottom have gone out with you a couple times, and actually enjoyed your company somewhat. You have a modicum of intelligence, you're not completely unattractive, and you do seem to have a kind well-intentioned heart. While we kind of enjoyed the official "press release" you sent over e-mail, declaring us as your "new best friends," unfortunately there are some other actions you have taken that are a bit disconcerting, and we prefer not to deal with them until our "relationship" is more firmly established:
- calling us at work to complain about your job
- calling us after work to complain about your love life
- calling us in the middle of the night to ask if we're still friends, because your last friends bailed on you in the middle of the night
- calling us every time you get a new movie from NetFlix in the mail
- insulting us, then dismissing it by saying, "I'm just kidding, it's just jokes between friends, right?"
- telling us, "you don't act like you used to in the good 'ol days" Especially since the "good 'ol days" were last week
-offering heartfelt speeches about how we can shape up our lives, even though we barely know you
- farting in our faces
The last is a particularly inflexible demand.

See most of us believe that friendships and relationships build and evolve over time, and are not officially declared in a mock press release. So for the time being we have decided to return you to "new acquaintance" status. Effective immediately. This means that we only want to see or hear from you if we call you with a specific invite to a specific bar to laugh and joke in a particularly cavalier fashion. No heart-to-heart conversation. No follow-up with a movie from NetFlix after. And definitely no farting in one's face and laughing about it.

If things go smoothly, we will slowly dole out extra privileges as appropriate (though the farting bit usually takes at least a decade before it is even begrudgingly tolerated).

In a few months we sincerely hope to call you friend, but for now please respect our wishes.


Your New Acquaintances
(names omitted)


  1. Farting in faces and laughing? That behavior should be reserved only for spouses.

  2. Damn. You can be my new best black friend if you want. All the whitey and in between spaces are full.


  3. They left out the part that says, "Repeatedly telling us we look like Barry Bonds."

  4. Man - you really know how to piss them off! But then, at least you picked people to try to buddy-up with that are so funny and intelligent as to send you such a cool "fuck-off" note! You have excellent taste!

  5. hahaha...that's so sad! I wish I had thought of that when I had someone like that pestering my existance!

  6. If plagerism wasn't illegal, Why I would reform this letter to send to my family.. But I would tell them that they had been reduced from viable human back to damaged ova or sperm depending on current sexual preference.

    Excellent letter.
    Which leads me to this.. you should always

    Napoleon Dynamite: So, we're pretty much friends by now, right?
    Pedro: Yes.
    Napoleon Dynamite: So, you got my back and everything, right?
    Pedro: What?


  7. hopefully this rejection will lead to self-reflection on your part. no friend deserves the abuse you give, especially the complaining about the job. that's just cruel and unusual punishment. i don't even let my momma complain to me about her job and she's the one who gave me life.


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