Man Has Friendship Privileges Revoked, Returned To "Acquaintance" Status

Steve Cocksure recently received a telegram in the mail from what he thought were his new friends. Unfortunately, the telegram was an official, "rescinding of certain friendship privileges." Enough privileges were stripped that Steve is no longer categorized as a "new friend," but has actually been reverted back to "new acquaintance" status.

Here is the letter:

Dear Mr. Cocksure,

Not all of us involved with composing this letter know each other personally, but we've recently been united by a common thread. That thread is the feeling that you have perhaps crossed the friendship threshold line too quickly.

All of us signed at the bottom have gone out with you a couple times, and actually enjoyed your company somewhat. You have a modicum of intelligence, you're not completely unattractive, and you do seem to have a kind well-intentioned heart. While we kind of enjoyed the official "press release" you sent over e-mail, declaring us as your "new best friends," unfortunately there are some other actions you have taken that are a bit disconcerting, and we prefer not to deal with them until our "relationship" is more firmly established:

- calling us at work to complain about your job
- calling us after work to complain about your love life
- calling us in the middle of the night to ask if we're still friends, because your last friends bailed on you in the middle of the night
- calling us every time you get a new movie from NetFlix in the mail
- insulting us, then dismissing it by saying, "I'm just kidding, it's just jokes between friends, right?"
- telling us, "you don't act like you used to in the good 'ol days" Especially since the "good 'ol days" were last week
-offering heartfelt speeches about how we can shape up our lives, even though we barely know you
- farting in our faces

The last is a particularly inflexible demand.

See most of us believe that friendships and relationships build and evolve over time, and are not officially declared in a mock press release. So for the time being we have decided to return you to "new acquaintance" status. Effective immediately. This means that we only want to see or hear from you if we call you with a specific invite to a specific bar to laugh and joke in a particularly cavalier fashion. No heart-to-heart conversation. No follow-up with a movie from NetFlix after. And definitely no farting in one's face and laughing about it.

If things go smoothly, we will slowly dole out extra privileges as appropriate (though the farting bit usually takes at least a decade before it is even begrudgingly tolerated).

In a few months we sincerely hope to call you friend, but for now please respect our wishes.

Respectfully,

Your New Acquaintances
(names omitted)